SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Also, as kindly as possible, I'm going to challenge this, because I want to help you disperse the fog and it seems this may be a part of it:

AP is single, and she loves me (or thinks she does), so deep down I know that if I really wanted to choose her instead of my marriage I could.

You don't know this. If you've been NC for the past 2.5 months, then you have no way of knowing what AP is doing with her life. She might have already moved on. Eventually, as you do the work on yourself, and as you continue NC, the answer won't matter.

The reason I ask you about this is not to punish you nor beat you up. Again, it's about helping to disperse with the fog. Ask yourself: do you believe the above because it seemed those were the facts? Or does it make you feel better in some way to have that narrative in your mind?

I ask these because it's so very important to examine yourself and start digging now, rather than wait for the fog to disperse. In fact, the digging will probably help the fog disperse a lot faster and more completely. At its core, your A was not about your AP, nor was it about your BW. It was about you.

My withdrawal pain was so bad my hair turned white.

I get it. you can do this.

MAIA-

Can you pm me or give me your email? I’d love your help through this process.

I ended the affair myself because I knew I wanted to save my marriage, but knowing in the back of my mind that AP is still out there and an "option" if I chose it actually makes it harder to move on in some ways.

Gee, do you think that maybe your wife deserves to be with someone that feels that love and desire for her? Not just the marriage working? So, for the rest of her life she is going to wonder like many BS on here wonder- do you miss or pine for the one that you thought got away? What a cruel existence for your wife. But, hey- you get to go one knowing there is another woman out there that wants you. If you care about your wife and you hope or choose to be a better husband- that post should just make you want to throw up. This is why I think all BS need to give us Hell and to do a hard 180 on our ass. So we don't have our heads up are ass thinking we are the shit and all these woman want us. The BS need or should see that we are scum and it us that need to want or earn them. Not two woman in line wanting a man that has low integrity, honor, and character. It is a cold slap in the face when you realize the person you took advantage of and for granted doesn't want you anymore. APs don't look nearly so pretty, especially when you realize their value is less than what you already have. Of course, for you- you are pining for being a carefree 20something and trying to run from growing the fuck up. Like most of us cake eaters.