SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

say, the 1000 days we were together, she was pretty good for 999 of them.

Well that one day was a real barn burner!

Other than that Jackie, how did you like Dallas?

Man, don't worry at all about your next gf. It will go down as it goes down. Primary quality is lack of guile. Followed by normal life prior to meeting you. Let it happen.

Your description of you ex gave me the willies. It's like the twilight zone.

My w is exactly like your gf. She is always setting these goals for herself which when they can't be achieved sets her into a mind loop. And of course makes me miserable. She too had major foo issues. Can't figure out why no one at work can stand her. She's not cruel and clueless about others, she's just honest and forthrightly saying. Identify with this?

She's got no filter. Yours? And of course there is a pattern of self destructive behavior. I was perfect. I was the one. I was the greatest thing in her life ever. Then within n 18 months of M she's in a hotel room fucking bareback. Sound familiar?

It's sad but these people have an inner need to destroy to prove she is really trash after all. Doubt that? Look at some of our presidents and the inexplicable behavior over the last 100 years. The need to self destruct at the peak of mount Olympus is real as a heart attack. That can't help it, you can't help it, but so what. Go for stable and reasonable and normal. You don't need to fix your next gf. She can't be fixed.

End of frenzied rant from a guy who has lived this.

You lost the dream. Grieve that. She had some good qualities, everyone does, but she wasnt the person you thought she was.

Keep up with the IC.

When I heard people tell me I was going to be ok it felt I insulting as though they didnt understand the level of pain. Endure the pain. Harness it and put the energy somewhere good.

Your going to kick ass not just be ok.

[This message edited by RockstarDad at 7:40 PM, June 13th (Wednesday)]

Sorry for your pain. You have handled things very well.

I hope you don't mind if I ask you for clarification on a few things. Apologies if I have missed this in your posts:

1. Did she leave to see her friends and specifically ask you not to go with her?

2. Did you establish if this was a set-up and that her ONS was actually planned before the night in question? Or did it just happen on the night?

3. Did she confess voluntarily or did you press her hard to do so?

4. Did she explain why she did this? For example, was it because she fancied the guy and did not care about you on that night? Or was it to test the waters to see whether she really wanted to go ahead with the marriage?

It just seems a really strange and illogical thing to do, from going to meet them separately to staying out until 4.00am when it would have been obvious to you what was likely to have happened. Did she explain why she seemed to value your relationship so little to do this in such a public and flagrant way?

[This message edited by SorrowfulMoon at 8:19 PM, June 13th (Wednesday)]

1. Did she leave to see her friends and specifically ask you not to go with her?

2. Did you establish if this was a set-up and that her ONS was actually planned before the night in question? Or did it just happen on the night?

3. Did she confess voluntarily or did you press her hard to do so?

4. Did she explain why she did this? For example, was it because she fancied the guy and did not care about you on that night? Or was it to test the waters to see whether she really wanted to go ahead with the marriage?

1. They went to go get coke. Not my thing, so I didn’t want to go. They said they’d be back in 30 min. This was 1230 pm. At first I was like ehhh whatever. 5 min after they left I told them I am not cool with this and she needs to come back. That was the first of a large volume of texts that were ignored.

2. Happened that night. Ex’s roommate saw OM’s Instagram and thought his friend was cute. Asked ex to reach out to him. That was the pretext.

3. So I got really drunk. I’m not a big drinker or partier, so I went home and passed out. I texted and called her a shitload. Literally a shitload. These calls and texts were ignored by her. Eventually went to bed at 3:00 am. Going through those texts and my call log is very tough for me. I will literally start shaking. I woke up at 10:00 am and was hungover. She was there by then. I started pressing her right then and she claimed that she was blacked out and didn’t know. I believe her here - she was very drunk. I made her text OM and got the info there.

4. I don’t think I’ll ever know the why for sure. Likely has abandonment issues, so she did something that would cause me to abandon her in a way she could control. Test the waters - she has admitted this one. That she wasn’t sure and now feels 100% that she wants to get married to me. Just drunk and mindless.

It’s still pretty difficult for me to look back at that night. I think that’s why I never really told the complete story here.

Just read your thread. You're doing great. Be glad you found out when you did. BTW: My 62 Jazzmaster and my acoustics were my best friends for about 12 months. Take care friend.

Wocket

Sorry to read what has happened with your fiancé. It's tough but you are making the right decision and seem to be working through it with increasing clarity.

I want to give you a little advice based on what you posted that you probably won't like.

1. You don't get married because you want a good teammate. You get married because you want a wife. If you want a teammate, join a golf league or play rec softball. Teammate and spouse are two very different things.

2. Never let your GF, Fiance, or wife take off to get blow with a random dude.

I'm not trying to be harsh but there is the way we think things should be and what they really are.

"They went to go get coke. Not my thing, so I didn’t want to go."

And you question whether you can do better?

It's tough for anybody to tell the whole story. It gets a bit easier with time and repeated attempts or at his with me anyway.

I think it helps to let go of the story at least once by telling someone or at least writing it out personally but definitely not until your ready.

I had a similar experience with a long list of unanswered phone calls and texts to an ExGf who up and disappeared on me one night that I'd still like to forget. After a few weeks, I actually went through and cleared my call log list and deleted every text she ever sent me it helped but I was still struggling. It took me a couple of months of suffering after that before I got to this point but I eventually just bit the bullet and bought a brand new phone in order to get rid of the trigger. It sucked to shell out the extra money but it was worth every penny.

And you question whether you can do better?

I don’t really mind occasional coke usage. Since January 2017 she had done it twice, and I had done it once.

I consumed a lot of illegal substances during my early 20’s so it doesn’t bother me, as long as it does not impact your day to day life, your job, and personal/professional relationships.

2. Never let your GF, Fiance, or wife take off to get blow with a random dude.

I think the lesson I’m taking here is to not be in a relationship with someone who has such poor boundaries that they think it’s in the realm of acceptable behavior.

You know, one month ago I would have agreed with you here. But at this stage I’m glad I “let” her go.

You know, one month ago I would have agreed with you here. But at this stage I’m glad I “let” her go.

Ah, you have finally discovered the path to detachment and indifference. Well done.

I’m really sorry you are here. I found out my now WH was cheating on me 6 months before our wedding. Little did I know he kept cheating during our entire 15 year marriage. I took a risk for love, and it was a huge mistake. Every situation is different. Learn what you can from this site and follow your gut. I wish I would have listened to mine.

4. I don’t think I’ll ever know the why for sure. Likely has abandonment issues, so she did something that would cause me to abandon her in a way she could control. Test the waters - she has admitted this one. That she wasn’t sure and now feels 100% that she wants to get married to me. Just drunk and mindless.

The trouble is, when you only have one of something that is fragile and precious, and you deliberately test it to destruction instead of cherishing and protecting it, what do you have left at the end of the test?

I hope that the lesson your ex will take away is that the significant others in her life should never be used as crash test dummies, because they will not appreciate it. And that by putting them through destructive trials of their durability, they learn more about her than she learns about them.

The sad thing is that she will keep repeating this cycle over and over again. Even if you had gone back with her, it is extremely likely that she would need to test her commitment to you again in a year's time, or five years, or whatever. I know it is painful, but removing yourself from that cycle is the best thing you can do.

If what she is looking for in life is a person who will always stay with her, no matter how she abuses them, all she will end up with is a co-dependent wreck of a human being, with no sense of self-worth at all. What a horrible, hollow victory that will be, if she ever brings it to fruition.

You know, one month ago I would have agreed with you here. But at this stage I’m glad I “let” her go.

There is a huge amount of wisdom in that. It would be a tempting self-deception to think that if she had not gone, everything would still be perfect. The truth is that whatever causes her to act this way would simply have risen to the surface at a later date. The fact that you have realised this will, I hope, give you solace that you have made the right decision. I think that you have, even though I am sad and sorry that you were put in the position of having to make such a decision.

[This message edited by M1965 at 7:08 PM, June 14th (Thursday)]

solid gold from M1965 ^^^^^

Very insightful M1965!!!!!

Thanks for taking the time to post that m1965. It’s a great post.

At this stage I pity her. I really do. I’ve mentioned this before, but you have to be fucked in the head to do what she did at that stage.

Honestly, I don’t think she’d be satisfied with someone who isn’t accomplished and confident. I don’t think she would be attracted to someone who lacks respect for themselves.

She’s having a very rough go of things right now, from what I hear from her sibling. I hope her pain is a catalyst for change. I don’t want her to hurt someone like she has hurt me, and I don’t think she does either.

Many thanks for your detailed response Wocket. It must be a very difficult thing to relive that night, so much appreciated.

I like others agree with M1965:

There is a huge amount of wisdom in that. It would be a tempting self-deception to think that if she had not gone, everything would still be perfect. The truth is that whatever causes her to act this way would simply have risen to the surface at a later date. The fact that you have realised this will, I hope, give you solace that you have made the right decision. I think that you have, even though I am sad and sorry that you were put in the position of having to make such a decision.

Far better you learned who she was before you married her, even though the pain in finding out was unbearable.

You made the right decision, especially as the motivation for the liaison, for the want of a better word, seemed so inconsequential as she has explained it to you. I doubt if you will ever know what really went on in her head or why.

[This message edited by SorrowfulMoon at 8:16 PM, June 14th (Thursday)]

Hi Wocket, I am a bit late to the thread but wanted to let you know I have been in a similar boat. My ex cheated on me prior to our marriage. I found naked photos on his phone. He said his buddy grabbed his phone and took shots of his gf. I was upset and as we were only two weeks away from our wedding day, I rugswept and married him anyway. You are very wise to have called off the wedding. Whatever reason our ex's chose the path they did does not really matter. You matter and deserve all the happiness in the world without looking over your shoulder or waiting for the next shoe to drop.

I am sorry that this happened to you and it is a very painful process to go through. Keep on trucking and

We focus too much on saying that if someone who cheats is broken. That may or may not be the case.

She had doubts before she cheated. I too do not understand how sleeping with another person will make you sure about marrying someone.

Whatever doubts she had prior to cheating more than

likely still exist.

The lesson here is do not say yes when you are unsure.