SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Even though my struggles with infidelity are not recent I have been encouraged to post a version of my story that might be of assistance to recent BS’s struggling to come to grips with their next move. In hopes that this may help others I will share my story. ( I apologize if this “condensed” version gets too long, I know I can get verbose.)

If they made a movie about our courtship it would be “ She’s Out of Your League”. We are totally different people and we came from different worlds. We met in college and dated and developed a great personal connection. My fWW was bubbly, outgoing and popular. She was into everything, Prom Queen, Dance Team, Sorority girl. She loved to socialize and party, and she had an active dating life with many bf’s and sexual experiences before we met. She came from a great, loving family, and although they were not economically well off they really knew how to enjoy life.

My family life growing up was horrific. We were not well off either but that’s where the comparison ends. Both of my parents were severe and abusive alcoholics. My father was an especially cruel emotionally and physically, and my mother drank just so she could forget who she married. For those familiar with the Al-anon categories for children of alcoholics I was the Manipulator. As the oldest of four children I took on the role of diverting my fathers abuse to me rather than my mother or siblings, not because I was courageous, but because I knew I could handle it, and my mother could not. My younger siblings still joke that they thought my name growing up was my father’s pet name for me: worthless POS.

I lived at home throughout h.s. and college in part to save money and in part to protect my siblings. I never dated or socialized in Hs or college except for one brief fling in the summer of my junior year. Later that year I met my fWW. I was shy, self conscious, a loner, and very uncomfortable talking with women. We dated for a period, got engaged after one year and were married after she graduated. Friends and family swore it would never work.

Fast forward just after our fourth anniversary we had moved to a new city and we were both working decent jobs, and I was going to grad school part time at night. We had our ups and downs but overall we got along better than I had hoped. Like a lot of young married couples just starting out, especially in a new city, we did not have a lot of friends or family to socialize with. I knew that my WW dearly missed her friends and the party life. In the previous two years there had been some red flags when she had gone out with coworkers for happy hour, and had come late and been cold and defensive. I also overheard some of her friends talking about some questionable behavior on a business trip to a conference. My gut was telling me that all was not right. But Imhad no proof anything had happened.

My DDay was in early December on a Friday night. My WW went to her office Xmas party with friends while I stayed home and crammed for grad school finals. I was thankful for the exams because I hated going to social gatherings. I was still up cramming when she came home very, very late obviously drunk, disheveled and sobbing that she was sorry. She immediately confessed that she had kissed two guys at the party and had sex with a third guy after the party had disbanded. I remember feeling like I had been kicked in the stomach and I wanted to lash out in anger, but actually managed to keep calm. I told her I loved her and that she had taken me out of the depths, but that we were going to have to separate the next day.

She fought the idea but eventually gave in when I explained that I needed to concentrate on my finals if we were going to have a future at all, and I couldn’t concentrate with her there. After my exam, I helped her move in with a friend and we were separated for the next five months with very little contact except for finances and responsibility for bills. We did not chit chat about our daily life or problems. I simply could not do it.

We were separated over Xmas, and three weeks after DDay I filed for divorce. My WW was furious and hurt that I had filed for divorce but she knew my reasons. I was simply not going to spend one minute of my adult life in a dysfunctional relationship if I could help it. I had spent my entire childhood as a pawn in my parents abusive marriage and as much as I loved my WW I was not going to live in a dysfunctional M. I literally could not do it. I was certainly not a macho guy or decisive by nature, but we all have our limits.

Beginning in January, although heartbroken, I continued with my life. I returned to my part time grad school classes at night as well as working full time during the day. I joined a running club and tried to stay active with friends as awkward as it was with my WW missing. Five months after we separated and before the D was final, my WW tracked me down and pleaded with me to give her a chance to save the M. We set up a date for lunch.

I was shocked and amazed at the changes she had made. She had changed everything including her appearance, dress, demeanor and attitude. She had cut her hair short, dressed more conservatively and put forth a more serious demeanor. She had quit her old job and found a new one. She had apologized to her former coworkers for her behavior at the Xmas party. Before she left the job she had asked some of the women in the office how she came across at work. They told her she acted too open and flirty with male coworkers, and she dressed inappropriately at times, seemed “available” and non serious. She told me that she had made changes in her life to try and win me back and convince me to stay together. She gave me a shoebox full of love notes she had written about what she loved about me. She gave me a complete description as much as she could remember of what, when, and whom was involved in the Xmas party incident along with a sincere letter of apology.

We started to date again and observing her consistent changes, I believed that her actions were sincere and I stopped the divorce proceedings. We moved back in together in August. She was consistent in her actions. She did not socialize after work and she let me know her whereabouts. For company functions we attended together or not all. She was attentive to the hurt and pain that kept churning my stomach that would not dissipate. Finally my anger came and I would verbally lash out. She never flinched and took full responsibility for her actions. Finally after almost two years I felt stuck and I needed to get past my anger. I was determined that if we were going to stay married I did not want her infidelity to define us. I opened myself to her and became vulnerable. And the floodgates opened and we were able to eventually regain that great connection that had brought us together in the first place. We had real conversations and shared our fears and hopes as well. We moved forward together. The pain of her infidelity has never gone away and I will never forget, but we have moved on to so many more great memories that it is just one of many memories.

My fWW told me years afterwards that one of the things that she could never figure out is that after we separated and I filed for D, that I did not pursue her to try and reconcile and save the M. She told me she had always been pursued by men her entire life, she was the prize, and when I did not pursue her she became frustrated and missed our connection and realized she really wanted to save the M. This was the impetus for all the positive changes she made. Of course over time I also had to change and embrace more socializing and become more comfortable in her world as she did in mine. But that was only after we got back together. I was too hurt and too angry to focus on those changes until much later.

We have moved on to have a very strong and mutually fulfilling M. My fWW has never failed to follow thru on making me feel safe, especially around the holidays when I still trigger. Ironically, I think that all of my abusive childhood experiences handling unimaginable parental crises week after week actually prepared me to handle the devastation on DDay, and to take the decisive action necessary which ultimately allowed our M to survive.

This year we will celebrate our 45th wedding anniversary. The Prom Queen and the Nerd. I hope this helps someone out there struggling with infidelity.

This year we will celebrate our 45th wedding anniversary.

That speaks volumes to the entire story. Thank you for sharing this.

I was simply not going to spend one minute of my adult life in a dysfunctional relationship

I think this is very important. Most betrayed immediately make excuses for the wayward, or try to find reasons for their actions or blame themselves or the classic "It's harder to stay and try to fix things than walk away".

Although your wife's motive for getting back was partially through her selfishness and ego, in the end the realisation that the relationship was screwed and immediately putting the onus on the wayward to fix the relationship through fixing themselves ultimately ensured success.

What a wonderful story.

The hey is your W recognized her shortcomings and mistakes.

Thank you for your comments. I do realize that my struggle with infidelity basically involved dealing with a ONS and pales in comparison to so many stories I read here of LTA’s and multiple AP’s and multiple A’s. But I will say that it was the single most painful incident that I have experienced in my life, greater than anything I had experienced with my parents.

I wanted to share my story because I see so many newly BS struggle with the fear of making a decision and feeling too weak to act. I can tell you I in no way considered myself to be a strong decisive person when DDay happened. I was still very self conscious and insecure. I had bought into much of what friends had said that she was out of my league and I should thank my lucky stars she married me. But on DDay and afterwards I discovered that somewhere in that mess of my childhood and FOO issues I had developed an independent streak and sense of self worth that I didn’t know I had. It was the defining moment in our relationship.

I think to some extent everyone has this strength within them. It may be deeply buried but it’s there. One advantage I did have is that I never feared living alone. I see many newly BS also struggle with this. I literally closed myself off from normal social contact out of shame and fear of being judged. I did not believe anyone could understand what I was going thru at home. Therefore I learned to be comfortable by myself and in my own skin. I had been a loner before Inwas married and I could do it again. I knew I would be just fine moving forward alone.

The lesson for me is that things you may see as a weakness or liability may in fact give you unknown strength and advantages you did not know existed.😀

My fWW told me years afterwards that one of the things that she could never figure out is that after we separated and I filed for D, that I did not pursue her to try and reconcile and save the M. She told me she had always been pursued by men her entire life, she was the prize, and when I did not pursue her she became frustrated and missed our connection and realized she really wanted to save the M.

The reality is she destroyed the marriage so it was up to her to save it.

A lot of BS's would do well to follow your example.

Way to many chase afterwards which just lowers their status.

Thanks for sharing your very moving story, fareast.

Great story. You took control and was not a victim and became a survivor. Not only did you get your WW respect, you kept your own.

Kudos to you.

Thank you for sharing your story, fareast. I hope I, too, can find that streak of independence and strength that dwells within. I am one that has never been comfortable being alone. Major abandonment issues here. Your story offers hope, not necessarily for R but for taking the lead in one's life.

Thanks Rambler:

In hindsight although it may sound trite, but I believe by acting decisively on DDay and thereafter filing for D, I demonstrated that I was willing to lose the M, and by taking that step it helped me to save the M. We often hear this truism on the forum. I know in my case this was true.

I know how difficult it is to handle the shitstorm of emotions on DDay, but if a BS can maintain their sense of self worth and self respect when their world is falling apart and act accordingly, I believe it will shorten the stay in infidelity.

fareast,

Thank you so much for sharing.

Ironically, I think that all of my abusive childhood experiences handling unimaginable parental crises week after week actually prepared me to handle the devastation on DDay, and to take the decisive action necessary which ultimately allowed our M to survive.

I just wanted to say that I also had difficult childhood experiences that I believe also may have prepared me for dealing with the trauma of infidelity and an abusive marriage. The day I decided to leave I had a clarity that hasn't wavered since. I recognized that although painful, it was the correct choice for me because it felt the same way it did whenever I had made the correct but painful choices in the past.

This really, truly helped me see some light in my world of darkness. Often it seems my only solution to stop.the pain and voices is to make my body as dead as my soul, but this story gives me some hope. Thank you for sharing it with me.

Thank you Emptyshelldad:

I am so very glad that my story has helped you see some light. I know you are struggling. But I believe things will get better for you. We suffer through soul crushing pain inflicted by people who should love and cherish us. Things happen to us that we don’t deserve. I did not deserve to be treated like shit by my father or betrayed by my wife. But we refuse to let them define us. We move forward one step at a time. How? Because we know deep down that we have self worth. We can never control how others choose to treat us. If they choose to betray us, so be it. The only thing we can control is to be true to ourselves and our values and never stoop to their level. It’s good to get up each morning and to like what you see in the mirror. Keep moving forward. Strength to you.

Forty five years ago.

What I find special is that your WW learned how to

fix herself before there was the internet.

Wow! Thank you for sharing your story fareast.

I didn't know your story fareast but I know you've been a good virtual friend to me during my fledgling journey. Thank you for sharing this. It's so lovely to see the happiness that can come from such awful times... here's to many many more happy years together with your prom queen!

Sincere thanks Dragonfly123. I have been blessed. For me the key was to know my self worth and faith that moving forward, whether alone or together with my W, I would be okay and find my own path to happiness. I want to pay this message forward to you and others struggling at the outset. It will get better for you and your boys. You are strong, smart, and resilient and I have confidence you will also find your own path to happiness.