SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

have you cut off internet at the house?

Deep,

Thanks for letting us know. It sounds to me like you are doing what's necessary to 180 yourself within the limitations that you've been given.

If you can't find an IC that's specialized in Infidelity I would just try and determine which one is a better listener. The best C's I've had (and I'm going on like 11-12 here) has all had that trait in common. My current IC wasn't focused on Infidelity but she blew me away with the amount of research she did on the topic and even (after talking to me about it) brought in another therapist to discuss my case. Basically, she's shown that she's willing and driven to learn in order to help and I got that feeling somewhat by the end of the first session but by the beginning of the second for sure.

Also of the 3/4 IC/MC involved now, none of them have hesitated to call the suffering caused by infidelity as trauma or that it was very likely to cause trauma. I think if I heard an IC say otherwise I'd probably be on my way out the door.

Keep working on you and the detachment part (though still painful) is going to get easier for you. Good luck with the IC this week.

Internet is not shut off as we both rely on it for work related functions and until I update to a new router I am unable to block ports or set access times etc...

I have given her all the space to stop her affair, I refuse to enforce it, seeing her make the decision(s) to allow me to suffer and endure physical health impacts has been key to my detachment. Though maybe not the smartest of approaches on my end.

I see now my health and mental well being mean nothing next to her getting a virtual fix of debauchery and dopamine/oxytocin. I realize now, finally, I have to protect myself from her and the behavior.

Overall things have been ok, but I bottomed out Sunday night and again this morning.

Sunday a flag I had setup for monitoring, when I still was bothering to monitor, came up because I hadn't cleared all the rules. I have now removed them all. I still had 2-3 innocuous monitoring rules that weren't obvious when I removed the others. I checked the alert and it amounted to an image to the effect of them saying they love one another.

I probably should have took a walk but instead I removed myself to another part of the house and beat the shit out of a doorframe and bloddied my hands up a bit. Didn't want to put holes in the wall or something I would have to fix later. After I patched myself up all was good and I felt a bit better.

Things went back to the semblance of normal my life has since become and then this morning I was chatting with an old highschool friend I semi-recently reconnected with and she started turning up the heat and I was right into it with her until... she mentioned how hot it was with her husband asleep beside her... my heart and gut dropped somewhere down near my ankles and I dropped my phone. I didn't even know she was dating/married but I ended the conversation saying sorry but I had to get to work. Karma is a fickle mistress.

Not sure how I'm going to re-break our connection but I am not going to be that guy. I may actually talk to her about my situation and explain why I can't and won't, then sever ties again. If the Belgian AP had even a fraction of decency he would have walked away when he realized it was causing RL issues. My wife who should have my back... bah.. nm she sucks ass as a human being too.

No sympathy or coddling needed, just keeping this updated as an example of why people should listen to all of your advice and not assume their situation is different, special or that there is some magical fix waiting to be discovered.

I was told by a former psych. professor I confided in this week that I am/qualify as what is being termed as an HSP. She also advised, like all of you, that I get out of the situation with or without her asap because the way I internalize and "feel' I can/could be doing very real physical harm to myself internally thats not being noticed as it may not have physical manifestations like the anxiety.

That said, I'm still working to reclaim that last belt notch and am looking at joining some support groups in addition to IC which I start next Wed. It should keep my mind focused and get me out of the house enough to get past these next few weeks.

<3 Be well.

Just sorry to see and hear all of this from you. I'm thankful for the update and to hear you've got some help and are coming around a bit.

And HSP here as well you ain't alone.

I'll be back later.

Hang in there,

DeepFeeler,

Your post got me thinking about gaining emotional detachment through the 180. Learning to emotionally detach is difficult for any betrayed whether a HSP, an empath, or those with a "normal" intuitive sense of others. That concentration of traits that characterize a HSP might make the use (and effectiveness?) of the 180 a much greater challenge.

IMO you've made progress with your arriving at a place of detachment. Jettisoning the policing of her communication is a good sign. Coming to the realization that she is so clearly willing to make your health and wellbeing subordinate to her infidelity is certainly a sad milestone for you. That realization may be doubly hard because you are understanding that she is not going to change.

You are in an emotionally and mentally toxic environment that has affected your health. Stress can have long term, permanent/near permanent, health implications. There are many threads on SI where those betrayed voice a common message that they didn't realize how toxic their environment was until they were out of it. You can literally feel their sense of relief.

Please keep posting. You have such high value.

Your emotions will get worse until you’ve taken charge and gotten out of infidelity.

There is nobody on this site that will disagree with thisnplaim and direct statement.

Getting rid of her = improved health.

I'm glad you are getting in IC.

You are still in infidelity, so you will continue to hurt, very painfully, until you are out of infidelity. Only then will the pain start to abate and it may take a good long time.

I spent years in limbo and false R with a WH that refused to cut off ties with his APs. Most of the time he lied to me that the affairs were over, then I'd find evidence that they weren't, then he'd gaslight me.

I did a lot of forensics and drove myself crazy trying to find the truth.

It is very hard to come to grips with the FACT that your spouse doesn't care that their behavior is like a knife in your back. Your spouse doesn't care that their actions cause you pain.

It sucks. I hope you find a way forward that leads you to peace and happiness in the future.

My advice to you is to be that guy. Break up with her already. I waited and waited and waited for him to break up with me and he wouldn't do it. He liked to eat his cake, and ultimately, I think he actually liked to see me suffer. There is nothing wrong with you calling it quits and saying "I am standing up for myself and I'm ending this to get out of infidelity. Good bye."

There is a book out there, forgive me if the title is wrong, The Body Keeps the Score or The Body Keeps Count.

It goes into how your body reacts to emotional and physical trauma over a life time. Eventually something will happen, aka the straw that broke the camels back, and you will have a emotional breakdown or physical ailment.

Please think of having your wife served. Continue the the 180. And get out of infidelity as fast as possible for your own health.

Please, please take this advice by Sharkman and many others

Your emotions will get worse until you’ve taken charge and gotten out of infidelity.

There is nobody on this site that will disagree with this plain and direct statement

Of course it is difficult and emotionally painful but you will eventually recover. If you continue down your present path, you may never recover as the damage done will be irreversible.

Thanks you for the responses and yes I am coming to terms with the physical aspects of this and working to get away from that.

Honestly she has been making a dash for friends and rewriting our marital history and I think I feel more pain from that than any other source, because honestly the last 14-15 years have been near fairy tale bliss as real marriages go, sure we had a few bumps but we got along on everything, we never squabbled about money or decisions because we were always on the same page.

Only got 2 hours of sleep last night so I'll spare you all another "windy" mini novel. Hope you all have a good weekend. I'm crossing my fingers hoping fathers day won't be another shitshow like mothers day was.

Deep 0

SI 2

One thing I asked for Father's Day no Snapchat Ryomaru in Second Life, Pietre last name protected RL.

Have been having a great few weeks with a nice day w my family and the WS. Came home and within the hour and was on SL with him. I am enraged, shaking ready to track a ip and send a letter to his mother/caregiver and him.

Both of them are douchebags him for knowing its a RL issue and continuing. Her for doing this to her Husband.

Deeper, we all feel how much you love your wife and want her back.... but you need to shock her back to reality. That's why we all say you need to have her served with divorce paper, AT WORK! The D process can always be stopped but she needs to see what is happening and could happen in the real world. But every day that goes by this action loses its effect...

Sadly...

Everyday that passes you lose a bit more of her.... eventually IF you file it will come as a releif to her and not a reality shock.

There's only one person that can possibly put a stop what's happening here. And it won't happen by "nice-ing" her into reality.

She continues to hurt you; you continue to be hurt and you continue to do nothing about it.

...and you're right. There is no colder heart than one who needlessly inflicts pain on another for no good reason.

We were looking for houses but since all of the loan is on my report. I will buy a house once my Divorce is finalized.

I am providing ALL logs and information to be included in the divorce decree as reasoning so it will all be public record.

There was some dysfunctional attempts at reconciliation but she isn't strong enough mentally to commit more than a day or few hours at a time.

Douchebag#2's parents and possibly brother are getting a copy of the logs too and a nice note from me thanking them for their morally bankrupt offspring/sibling who helped me see through my sham of a marriage. (debating this because I'm not sure I give enough of a shit to bother.)

The more I look at this, the more I realize how fucking stupid, selfish and childish they both are. May the hearbreak of a million galaxies be theirs. I'm done with their fuckery and this bullshit marriage.

All my resources are going into get my kids out of this mess and away from their morally bankrupt, icechest of a mother. just in case they ever find/see this (apologies to SI folks):

FUCK YOU TWO! I hope you both die slowly of a belly wound in a trench of slow burning fire.

DF

I’m sorry how painful this is for you.

Are you at the point yet where you are ready to have her served?

To ever recover from this addiction your WW would need heavy IC and perhaps a 12 step program like any other addict. She would need to remove all SL technology from her and your life. It’s too much of a trigger.

Stay strong.

Strength to you moving forward DeepFeeler.

DF,

How are you doing. Hope your getting out of infidelity now. Hope your looking after yourself now.

Thank you NoOpt I'm actually off the rails and in a bit of a downward spiral. As was pointed out weeks ago by one of the members, I've been pain shopping and the delivery arrived a day or two ago.

Im kind of stunned, numb and well I dunno really where I am, where I'm going or even what I want right now. I just work and goto bed shortly after I get home rinse and repeat. I think broken is a fair statement. I'll get my head out of my ass in a few days and get back to some semblance of normal, just not today.