SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Im early 30's, she's late 20's, he's mid 30's

I've been cheated on by 2 others girls, including a previous fiancee.

I know it’s very rough to find yourself in this situation. Most here will tell you that her affair is not about you, and that is true to a large degree...except the disrespect you have allowed her to show you.

Based on your history, you’ll need to do some significant introspection as to how this has become a pattern for you. It’s clear from your posts that for the most part you are very passive. Being easygoing, while perceived as a good quality, often lends itself to allowing yourself to be disrespected. No doubt you feel really awful right now, and you will for some time...but there’s a huge unwanted lesson in this for you...and at the right time you’ll need to make some big adjustments in how you set and communicate boundaries to prevent the cycle repeating.

At this point though, you’ve got yourself out of infidelity and that is your first big step in the right direction. The next big step is to stand firm on your boundaries on what you will and won’t accept going forward. This place will offer you a variety of advice and opinions on that, take what you need and leave what you don’t, but don’t waiver. You’re far more valuable than you think, and you clearly need to learn and appreciate that about yourself! Good luck brother!!

[This message edited by Phantasmagoria at 7:39 PM, June 2nd (Saturday)]

I'm sorry things ended up for you the way they did.

Please tell the OBS. She needs to know. I wish someone had told me what my cheating ex BF was up to. It's going to suck for her, but you don't own that. Protecting her from this feels falsely paternalistic, as she doesn't get to decide for herself because she doesn't know. You're not doing her harm by telling her, but not telling her may cause pain in the long run.

I initially planned to, however after a long talk with my dad, we believe they would prefer me to do that.

As it would once again take the gravity of the decisions and the weight of their actions out of there hands, and force the BOW to make all the tough decisions.

I don't like that she's out of the loop, but with me out of the picture, it's only a short matter of time before they draw her full attention.

Justification to take the easy way out and do nothing while the other BS may be going thru hell not knowing what is going on? You have just become a coconspirator with your wife and her other man. Good luck living with that.

[This message edited by Marz at 8:17 PM, June 2nd (Saturday)]

Tell the obs that your wife chose her husband to be her boyfriend; she deserves the truth.

You continue to behave passively even after she has left you. Look where that got you. Tell the OBS, she deserves to know and they deserve to be exposed. What is the problem? Seriously....

Great job standing your ground.

Will you be filing for D soon?

Please tell the OBS. She deserves to know the truth about her life so she can take action. It’s a matter of fairness certainly. Though also she needs to know that she is at risk of STDs since her husband is clearly not faithful to her.

Absolutely, the OBS (BOW) needs to know - for more than one reason. She needs to know because it is morally the right thing and also cheating should not go unpunished.

You have just become a coconspirator with your wife and her other man.

Uhhh, bullshit. The only people cheating on the BOW are his wife and the OM. Stop trying to manipulate the OP into doing what you want him to do by insulting and attacking him. He’s got quite enough of a shitstorm to enjoy without supposed helpers kicking him in the groin.

That said, a simple note sent to the BOW would go a long way towards letting everybody live a truthful life.

Sending strength!

Warped, she's calling your bluff. She thinks she can use the marriage as leverage to get what she wants. She clearly thought you would do the pick me dance. Her leaving is her attempt to ante up the marital stakes to get you to sweat, then bend to her demands. Call her bluff and file the divorce papers. Let her know the games over.

You also need to go tell the OBS. She deserves to have full knowledge of what's affecting her marriage and to consider her own choices in her situation. Besides, a majority of the married OM's never leave their own wives and simply string along their affair partners after they left their own betrayed spouse or partners. Odds are high when you tell the OBS the OM will throw your WW under the bus. At the point you will know whether your WW wants to stay married with you or stay single. Even if she came crawling back to you for a second chance you may feel different by then and decide to D anyway. No matter what, you are exercising the option to longer be present in a marriage with a woman who will not fully commit to you and your terms for R.

Telling obs is single best step to ending an affair. Daylight kills them. Its too late, IMO, for that now.

But obs does deserve to know. Youd have wanted to know. Its the only moral choice.

Double post

[This message edited by william at 10:22 AM, June 3rd (Sunday)]

In the five hours she was at her "mom's house," your wife and her boyfriend were probably making up a story to tell other people about why she had to leave you. It's pretty common for the BS to be described as jealous, controlling and abusive.

Why? Because IF you tell people they're having an affair, some of them will wonder if you aren't just a jealous control freak who won't let her have any friends. It also gives OBS reason to let her husband continue helping his friend, who is now a victim in need of extra support. It helps protect their reputations at work and with other family and friends, at your expense.

Now is the time to see a lawyer and figure out how to protect yourself. How can you prevent her from using your combined income to take out loans or credit cards to fund her new life with the other man? How can you retain possession of the house now that she's abandoned it? How can you fight any false charges she might press against you?

Time wasted protecting her job and her reputation could cost you your own.

I would start by recording all income phone calls and getting a voice-activated recorder to wear should she stop by. That will help protect you if she tries to call the police and claim abuse. I would also file for divorce. You can always stop the proceedings later, but for now it protects you and your assets. Good luck.

In essence, your doing the right thing.

She brought another man into your relationship. And now has chosen him over you.

You have now taken control.

Go no contact. Let her know that you want nothing to do with her. Nothing...

Now.. Doesnt the horizon look better already. Is'nt it great to have that all behind you.

Start making plans for you future. Upgrade. Look at what you can change in the house. Pictures.. furniture.. layout..

Upgrade your employment prospects..

Enjoy life to its fullest.

You have been told by everyone here who has experience of infidelity to call his wife. It looks more and more that this was a full affair. She must be relying on him leaving his wife now.

[This message edited by Smillie at 12:41 PM, June 3rd (Sunday)]

I am so sorry about what your wife has chosen to do.

It is great that you have your Dad for support, and if you have others around you who can stand by you and help you through this, so much the better.

I have to echo stevesn, and say 'well done' for sticking to your boundaries. This is not a 'friendship', because no-one ends a marriage to be someone else's 'friend'. However, your wife is delusional, and whatever happens, she and her 'friend' are headed for a train wreck of epic proportions. Her 'friend' has a family and a career to protect, and he is doing neither. Your wife has a marriage and a career to protect, and she is doing neither. When the 'friendship' becomes public knowledge, both of them are going to face a lot of fireworks. So be it; they chose to create this mess.

Re. the OM's wife, you wrote:

I don't like that she's out of the loop, but with me out of the picture, it's only a short matter of time before they draw her full attention.

I am saying this gently, but how will the OM's wife know that you are out of the loop? Your wife won't tell her, and her husband won't tell her. They can lie to her for years if they choose to.

I know that you are going through the mill, and we all have the right to make our own decisions, but I seriously want to urge you to inform his wife about recent events. That woman has a family to protect, and she needs to know that your wife has an obsession with her husband, and also that your wife is a 'loose cannon' who has walked out of her marriage because of that obsession. How else will that poor woman know? And why should you hide the actions of your wife and her 'friend'?

I am sending strength and best wishes to you. You did nothing to deserve this, and you will recover from it. This forum is full of people who had similar things, or worse, happen to them, and they have moved on and rebuilt their lives. You can, and will, too.

Please do things that you enjoy. Indulge yourself, pursue the hobbies you enjoy, and make a real effort to be good to yourself.

Really sorry for what you have been through and that your worst fears have been realised.

I don't have anything to add beyond the good advice you have received but just want to add to the weight of those saying tell the OBS. She deserves to know, it's not your secret to keep and it will bring things to a head. The likelihood is that your WW is in for a big dose of reality.

Everything else can happen in its own good time, while you take stock, look after yourself and try to clear your head.

Please tell the OBW. She has a right to know her husband is involved with a married (albeit not faithfully or for long) woman. If I were her I would want to know ASAP so I could make decisions about my own life.

I am so sorry for the pain you are in and will endure for some time because your wife is not who you thought she was. Find yourself a good therapist and get tight with your closest and most trustworthy friends, and you will come out better in the end than being in a sham of a marriage to someone who does not deserve you.

Yes, inform the OBS immediately, tell her what you know so your conscience will be clear.

It's the right thing to do.

warped, in my past situation I was the OBS. The OM's wife contacted me to meet in person and she gave me the evidence of the affair. It was the best thing anyone did for me in that situation. It gave me the pertinent information that I needed to make very difficult and decisive actions to protect me and my kids. I found out that my XW had secretly filed for D, she just had her attorney hold off serving me. I don't know what my XW's intent was but where I live if the recipient of the petition did not respond with 30 days of service then the judgement is default, meaning my XW gets everything she asks for in the petition. They may have been trying to time the service where I was least likely to respond properly in time. Who knows. When I discovered the REAL reason behind her ILYBINILWY speech, I hired a lawyer immediately and he responded to that petition with a counter claim and we got the ball rolling for my D.

Believe us when I say that your WW and the OM are not planning for you and the OBS to "make all the hard decisions" to break the news and thus break each others marriages so that your WW and the OM can segue into the sunset together hand in hand. That's just not how affairs work. If your WW and the OM are counting on anything from you it is for you to do NOTHING to raise your voice, to call them out, to bring attention to their inappropriate behavior, to expose their affair.

A majority of the time the OM's in these situations need their AP to remain involved in their own marriages or relationships with the betrayed partners because they only want the sex and fantasy from the AP, and avoid all the real life demands like -

Helping around the house

Dealing with bills and budgets

Figuring out what for dinner every day

Helping with the kids (if there were any) and with chauffeuring them to school and activities

Buying her lady products in a pinch because its that time of the month and she forgot to get more last time and she has an emergency

Who's turn it is clean the toilet

Who's turn it is to do the laundry

etc.

They already deal with that and more with their own wives, the OBS, and they are only escaping their own reality with their AP's. Once the proverbial shit hits the fan with exposure then OTHER realities start coming into play for the OM like -

Having the drama at home with the OBS, her own family and her own friends

Having to pay alimony and child support to the OBS

Having to split assets or lose a significant amount of it in the D process

Having to see his own kids part of the time

Having to deal with the fallout with his own family and friends

Having to explain his actions with your WW at work and possibly losing a source of income

etc.

It is ok to not allow a couple of assholes to get away with their assholery. It really is. I imagine if you saw your neighbors house catch on fire you wouldn't just sit there and watch it burn down, would you? You would at least call the fire department. That's what you are doing when you tell the OBS. You are just letting her know there's a major fire in her marriage right now. It is up to her to do something about it.