SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I had to let your reasoning for not telling the OBS marinate for a while. The majority of posters believe it is in the OBS's best interest that you tell her. I looked at your reasoning to see what you gain by not telling. Your interests must be served in some way by not telling. Is any part of your not telling being driven by you being conflict avoidant? Your reasons for not telling seem passive aggressive: that by not telling you believe you get back at WW and OM in some way.

I initially planned to, however after a long talk with my dad, we believe they would prefer me to do that.

You won't tell the OBS because you believe WW and OM want you to do it. You don't want to put yourself in a position of doing what they want you to do. You are not going to play into their hands.

As it would once again take the gravity of the decisions and the weight of their actions out of there hands, and force the BOW to make all the tough decisions.

You won't tell the OBS because it would give WW and OM an easy out. You want to make them solely responsible for the outcomes. Telling the OBS would let them off the hook for being responsible for the outcomes. You aren't going to let WW and OM take the easy way out. You want them to make all the tough decisions.

I don't like that she's out of the loop, but with me out of the picture, it's only a short matter of time before they draw her full attention.

You won't tell the OBS for the reasons you state above, and telling her isn't necessary because in short order she will learn of the betrayal. Your being out of the picture will set this discovery in motion by some undisclosed mechanism.

it's only a short matter of time before they draw her full attention.

Not necessarily because now they have been given a master class in how to not get caught. They won't make the same mistakes that allowed you to catch them again.

I haven't read all of this but trust your gut. It will be right. I wish I had. 20 years and some kids later, I found out I was right all along.

Thanks Timeless for explaining that. I didn't pick up on his thinking at all.

A little over a month Update: (Sorry if I used the wrong shortforms.)

Less than a week after I kicked my CS out, the other SO contacted me to tell me, her husband told her he didn't love her and told her he wanted a divorce.

I met with her, and she told me everything from her perspective and a few things came out of it.

1) We had been fighting the exact same fight on two fronts, and we got the same answers. "We're being untrusting, paranoid etc..." "Its not like that, we're just great friends."

2) Found out he had basically had a crush on my wife (well exwife) since the first met. He basically told his SO about her, with enthusiasm, the first time he met her.

3.) Despite both of the CS still denying everything, he had the balls to ask his wife if "in a few months he and my CS got together, if he and his wife could stay friends for the benefit their kids.

Despite everything, apparently the wife is still trying to make it work. From what I gather he's staying elsewhere, but spending time with the kids. Last I heard they're going to try counselling (her choice, he said it's a waste of time.

I've shut down communication as much as possible with my CS. She sent me a text basically blaming both of us for the result, so I used it as an opportunity to air my grievances again and basically reiterate none of my behaviour happens if it wasn't for her actions. And then told her again, that theres not reason for us to keep communicating because nothing is going change.

This board has been very helpful for clearing my head and reinforcing that my perspective wasn't wrong. I've still taken the highroad and just continue to separate myself further and further from all parties involved.

Thank you for the update. It sounds as if you are doing well. Keep it up!

Maybe you can send the OBS here.

I’m sorry it did not have a better outcome.

It appears you will be D.

I just want you to be prepared in case she decides to turn around and try to R. Don’t laugh I have seen it happen. You need to be on your game b/c it can be subtle.

If the new R is not going well or she is a game player - please know it does happen. Sometimes a few months later - sometimes years later. Just always watch your back.

Sorry she was so selfish. Karma will rear its head one day.

The odds of a successful relationship that started as an A are less than 10% - even less odds if children are involved.

She sent me a text basically blaming both of us for the result, so I used it as an opportunity to air my grievances again and basically reiterate none of my behaviour happens if it wasn't for her actions. And then told her again, that theres not reason for us to keep communicating because nothing is going change.

If it was "true love" then there really is no blame to give now, is there? Instead, she should be so thankful of you to let her have those morning runs with that douche-bag instead, allowing those twin flames to discover each other, telling you "I'm sorry you feel that way. I hope you find someone makes you as happy as I AP has made me" But instead, it sounds like she's blaming you for her ending up with him. Doesn't sound like a great start to a great relationship with the AP already.

This board has been very helpful for clearing my head and reinforcing that my perspective wasn't wrong

We are glad to know you've taken some of our advice, our experience, and our varying viewpoints to heart and allowed us to validate you on what you knew in your gut. It is good to know that our input was not lost on deaf ears. Thank you for taking the time to update us on your progress.

Here's one more advice from me. If your D is finalized, block your XW's number from your phone. Now. Block her from further calls and texts. For whatever reason in the future she needs to contact you out of emergency (She got and STD, she's pregnant, she wants to kill herself if she can't have you back) you want a third party around to hear that exchange anyway to help protect you. Other than that, all she's going to do is use you as her emotional punching bag when she realizes this AP is not as great a guy she thinks he is. If the OBS is still dragging him to counseling and he is agreeing, even the AP isn't sure about his own D and is just going to sit on the fence and bask in the pick me dance that his OBS and your XW will be doing until either or both are sick of it and leave. The writing is pretty much on the wall that relationship between your XW and the AP is going to flounder.

One more thing. This is your third time on that betrayed carousel. It's time to dig into your "picker" and your own self to understand how this pattern is repeating before taking on another relationship. I know. I was cheated on by almost every girlfriend I had in the past in addition to my previous wife. I had some things to fix.

The angry texts blaming you and the OBS may hurt a bit, but they're demonstrations of how fucked up cheaters are in rationalizing their treacherous behaviors.

(((Warped))))

You are handling this like a champ. I think sharing some of your thoughts with her was appropriate, even if she didn't listen.... She is still in Unicorn land.

Keep NC as much as possible, and focus on healing your own heart.

You will become a stronger happier man than you ever dreamed possible. Love your dog, Focus on doing things for yourself, and healing your heart.

One more thing. This is your third time on that betrayed carousel. It's time to dig into your "picker" and your own self to understand how this pattern is repeating before taking on another relationship. I know. I was cheated on by almost every girlfriend I had in the past in addition to my previous wife. I had some things to fix.

This a million times over.

It's been a lengthy conversation with friends and family. Its been a huge amount self reflection.

I keep looking back on, maybe not red flags, but instances where I could of, should of, needed to be more aware of or more assertive, instead of trying to handle it with a very calm/passive approach or with a 'it'll get better' stance.

I think a big silver lining in all this, is a new found awareness that I need to be, for lack of a better term, more selfish in what I deserve, what I want, etc.. instead of giving up more and more ground, without getting any back. Thats the most common failure on my end in all these.

It's only been a month, and know I'll have some sad days ahead, just happens. Did an Ikea run yesterday for the first without her and it hurt a bit. But I can confidently stand here and say there is no R. Not even in the slightest. There is no action that she can take that would convince me it'd be worth it, even in my darkest moments I haven't wavered from that belief.

[This message edited by Warpedatticus at 3:37 PM, July 5th (Thursday)]

Get into counseling and find out why your woman picker is broke.

So just to clarify, your Ex is still standing firm that nothing was or is going on between them?

You are doing a great job of handling this situation. Kudos for continuing to take the high road in all of this.

Your situation sounds a lot like mine, and now looking back on my own situation all the marital problems occurred pretty much around the time he started cheating (the first time) and then later the second time. Like you situation, many things were blamed on me and at a time I didn’t have a clue what was really going on behind my back. I was very trusting, but in looking back I see there were red flags that I won’t dismiss again.

I applaud you for what you wrote back to her saying that none of your behavior would have happened if it wasn’t for her actions – yes! So true! These WS get so deeply mired in lala land that they are oblivious to how their behavior affects the people around them. It’s selfish, infuriating, painful, senseless. And we BSs are left to clean up what they so carelessly destroyed. SMH

But you my friend are handling this very well. Keep taking good care of yourself, and I hope you have a good support system in place too, a trusted friend or two or family member, a counselor experienced in infidelity, and of course you have SI, so keep posting here. You have the support of many here who have been through the wringer and understand what a hellfire this is. I admire your strength. Keep on keepin on!

(edited for typo)

[This message edited by burninghouse at 5:56 PM, July 5th (Thursday)]

So just to clarify, your Ex is still standing firm that nothing was or is going on between them?

Yup, as of our last exchange, despite EVERYTHING that's come out, she still stands firm nothing was going on.

Which honestly makes me laugh. It makes me feel better, for some sick reason it makes me happy to see her fight it beyond the bitter end. I assume its more for her ego, or she thinks I'm stupid enough to believe it still.

Either way she can enjoy whatever her life will be moving forward. I got my dog and i got great friends/family (and of course SI)

Next up, meeting with divorce lawyer to get paperwork ready - stupid Canada, have to be separated for 1 year first, since it'll be a cold day in hell before she signs off as unfaithful.

That’s fascinating. And her “Friend” all of a sudden fell out of love with his wife at the exact same time as you and your wife separated. What a coincidence. Affairs bring out the dumbest in people.

It’s true, you need to be very firm as to what you need and also what you expect to give to stay in any relationship.

Will she be served papers and then you wait the year of separation?

If she comes to you after being served and asks what it will take to save the marriage make it very clear what you will need.

This will include NC which means a new job without her “partner”. Doubt she will go for that of course, but just be prepared with what are your non-negotiable items.

So does your family know? Does hers?

Continued strength to you.

Don't blame yourself. You loved her and trusted her words. I got the same story ( they were exercise buddies and then progressed to dinners and so forth )I finally saw pictures and other evidence of hotel room but anyway what does it matter. They were telling a story and I was the bad suspicious one.

Would things have changed if I stomped and made demands? Don't know. I said my objections many times. It hurts to watch them pull away. So I say to you don't put this on yourself. You stood in the right and asked her to stand with you. That she chose to go was not because you weren't (anything) enough to make her stay. I think she will see she made a big mistake as time goes by.

I don't think anyone who loved and was honest and held out their hand has anything to feel bad about. I'm glad you don't have to hear any more excuses and lies. She simply didn't have the maturity that you do to handle herself in a committed relationship.

Even though we know all these things it doesn't ease the hurt. Think about what you want in life now. This is a door to a much better place if you want it to be. These times for change don't come often so make the most of it and prosper.

Warpedatticus, you are doing well. Decisive action, standing firm, and with a clear path forwards. One trap to watch out for, is the WS comes crying later, and saying that it was all a mistake. Don't falter on your resolve. Stand firm, as this will help your own self-respect and will show your WW that you are made of sterner stuff, and not to be trifled with.

Anything that your WW might say is just static. She does not want to admit it to herself that she is a POS, as she is too delusional/proud, and does not want to believe she is a bad person. Quite common amongst WS.

Dogs love unconditionally, and you will get more satisfaction and companionship from your dog than if you had stayed with your WW.

All the best for your future. Just make sure that in any future relationships, you are assertive. No need to be an ass about it, but stand firm for your beliefs and values.