SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I spent hours and hours and hours reading all the posts by Walloped and MrsWalloped.

These were probably the best things I ever read for affair recovery.

I just finished reading MrsWalloped comments 2.5 years after the affair was discovered. She said her husband was dealing sexual insecurites/is he good enough years later.

Does think kind of thinking ever go away for men ?

This kind of thinking is killing me now and I doubt it is going to go away any time soon.

Hi MM, Just wanted to say Welcome to the R forum. As you recall, our stories have some similarities as my wife also cheated with her much younger fitness trainer. My wife's affair was almost 3 years, and the last year of her affair went physical.

One of the most difficult issues for me to get over was the constant mind movies, where I kept picturing my wife having sex with the OM. I would say it took me roughly a year before the mind movies stopped becoming a big deal. I am now 11 years out from d-day (June 25th is my d-day) and have considered my marriage reconciled since 18 months out.

It will take time for the insecurities to diminish, but I know from my experience on SI that it is very possible. Everyone heals at a different rate. As you continue to learn more about the psychology of affairs, you will eventually realize your wife's affair had nothing to do with you, your sex life or your physical attributes. It was hard for me to accept that as well, but it is true. You'll go searching for the many reasons why and conclude none of those reasons justify cheating.

I can tell you the main reason your wife cheated. It's the main reason most spouses cheat. It's the only reason that makes sense. The main reason your wife cheated is because it helped her to love herself. It was purely a selfish act. She needed that external validation more than anything in her life. The OM gave your wife the one thing that you can't. He gave her the thrill and external validation that can only come with cheating on your spouse. You can't do that because you are her husband. Your wife knows she's married to a wonderful man, but that wasn't enough for her. It had to be someone other than you to give her that forbidden thrill that can only come with cheating.

MM, I've read your posts. You're a good guy trying to make sense of this awful mess. Believe me, you won't find the answers blaming yourself. You have no reason to feel insecure or worthless. The blame goes squarely on your wife for not having enough moral conviction to do the right thing.

If all goes well, your wife will come out of this a better person and you will have a stronger relationship. That's how it turned out for my wife and me. I'm sending best wishes that it will be that way for the both of you as well.

[This message edited by HardenMyHeart at 1:07 AM, June 20th (Wednesday)]

You can get over it, if you leave your wife, and find someone who actually respects you and treats you right, someone you can actually trust.

Or, even if you don't, it's better to be alone than to live like this.

OneLittleVictory

You said;

"it's better to be alone than to live like this"

Do you know this from experience ?

You can get over it, if you leave your wife, and find someone who actually respects you and treats you right, someone you can actually trust.

Or, even if you don't, it's better to be alone than to live like this.

For crying out loud OneLittleVictory. It's MM's first post in the R forum and you're already trying to blow up his marriage. This is really inappropriate for the R forum.

[This message edited by HardenMyHeart at 1:33 AM, June 20th (Wednesday)]

Yes, of course. I have a cheating wife, too. Whenever I'm away from her, I'm happy. Whenever she's around, I'm not.

My apologies. I actually did think I was in general. But what is there to blow up? His wife did that, not me.

HardenMyHeart...

Great post. You have some hard earned wisdom.

This is really inappropriate for the R forum.

The OP asked a very specific question and I answered it. Detaching and leaving is the most effective way to get over it. It's really that simple.

As a man who has experienced sexual insecurity even before my fWW cheated on me, I can tell you that we can and do get over it.

It required two things:

- finding my self worth again.

- having a spouse that is willing to pain-stakingly work with you to get back to a good place in your sex life.

I am curious Mike, because I've read through many of your threads today but I haven't seen this brought up (and I apologize if it has). Have you considered that your WW's A might very well have been a deal-breaker for you, and that you are simply prolonging the agony?

While yes, we can get over our sexual insecurities, such as they are, some BS's are never able to rekindle the desire, viewing the WS as irredeemably tainted.

I don't want you to take this as me pushing you away from R. Just do yourself a favor and be completely honest, can you envision ever getting back to a good place with your WW?

Hurt4

No yet

Let me re-frame the question, then. What can your WW do to open up the possibility of R for you?

Mike, some BH's get over it, and some don't. My observation is that the marriages where the R is successful, the WW is able to show the BH that he is not a "plan B" or second best, that her love and sexual desire for the H is true. She shows this not through words, but through consistent actions over a long period of time.

There is no checklist for this. It is a matter of the heart. The heart of every BH and WW either creating that new connection, or not.

There is also the reality that, for some men, certain sexual acts by a WW in her A are particular triggers. For example, there is a lot of discussion here on SI about A's where the WW engages in sexual acts with her AP that the BH had previously requested and been denied. Many men find that difficult to overcome, even if the WW offers up those acts after D-Day. In your A, there is some suggestion that she may have engaged in "sloppy seconds" sex with you. Some men find this difficult to overcome. This is personal and subjective.

Some BH have tried R for extended period, even years. In the end, they find that although they truly love their WW and wish that they could get back what they lost, they simply cannot get over the sexual insecurity/harm created by the A and they move on. In other words, D is not limited to instances where the BH hates his WW.

As a BH, your main task is to find your personal truth in this regard. The only way to do that is through working with a good IC, and talking with your WW. You will not be able to observe her actions toward you if you do not interact with her.

There is no "one size fits all" answer. The one truth, and I sense this is the truth that terrifies you, is that you cannot get back what you once had. That is gone. The path forward is to build a new life. The trauma and pain and mental images of your WW having sex with her trainer will be with you for life. You have been fed the proverbial shit sandwich, and it was your WW who fed it to you.

Every BH has only three choices in this regard. Knowing that this pain will haunt you for the rest of your life, would you rather live that life: (a) with your current WW, (b) alone, if you D and never marry again, or (c) with somebody you might meet in the future, fall in love with, and marry?

Choice (a) works if your WW truly understands your pain and is willing to to the work, for all of the rest of your years, to help you heal.

There is a very good book often recommended on this site. I always forget its exact title, but I believe it is called "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair" by Linda MacDonald. You should ask your WW to read this, ASAP.

Also, gently, several posters on your many threads have suggested that this forum tends to work best when the betrayed original poster sticks to one long thread, usually in the Just Found Out forum. You reference the threads by Mr. and Mrs. Walloped, which are structured exactly that way. And you see, among other things, the instructional benefit to others from reading those threads.

One of the reasons this works is because thinking should be occurring in a linear fashion. Your posts reflects a scattered thought process, like somebody who is in extreme panic attack. I think you will get the best help and advice from people here if you organize yourself into a single thread and follow that. You're way too early in your process to be here in the Reconciliation forum.

[This message edited by Butforthegrace at 7:47 AM, June 20th (Wednesday)]

OneLittleVictory,

Please review the Forum Description.

I'm questioning if every BS is in pain years into recovery. I'm not. and I don't buy the male BS thing as different either. I hate the generalization that it's so much worse for the male BS.

Harden: this is golden:

"I can tell you the main reason your wife cheated. It's the main reason most spouses cheat. It's the only reason that makes sense. The main reason your wife cheated is because it helped her to love herself. It was purely a selfish act. She needed that external validation more than anything in her life. The OM gave your wife the one thing that you can't. He gave her the thrill and external validation that can only come with cheating on your spouse. You can't do that because you are her husband. Your wife knows she's married to a wonderful man, but that wasn't enough for her. It had to be someone other than you to give her that forbidden thrill that can only come with cheating."

so if that's the case, why would any BS feel inadequate?

Does think kind of thinking ever go away for men ?

Yes

MM42:

You can read the positive reconciliation thread at the top of the forum for stories of BH who moved past their anger, hurt and securities and successfully R. Good luck.

My situation is a lot less common than most, but sure, I got over that. My W & I do pretty well. My bet is that I'd do pretty well with a new partner, too, once we got to know each other, assuming the new partner was not some hot young thing of, say, 60.

It required two things:

- finding my self worth again.

- having a spouse that is willing to pain-stakingly work with you to get back to a good place in your sex life.

I think that's absolutely true for R. But R is not the only choice.

The key element in getting over the hit to sexual confidence is:

- finding my self worth again.

That's the way to go, whether you D or R.

The fact is that your W cheated for her own reasons, and those reasons will usually parse down to some big internal hole in your W.

An A just about always leads the BS to feel sexually inadequate - but the facts in virtually every A say that the BS's sexual performance is not the cause of the A.

(Different levels of desire could lead to unresolvable conflict over sex, but that should lead to D, not to A.)

[This message edited by sisoon at 11:24 AM, June 20th (Wednesday)]

...assuming the new partner was not some hot young thing of, say, 60.

sisoon...keeping it real! 😄😄😄

I know I felt horrible about it all at first. The sinking feeling of comparison -- and worse, feeling like second place with your wife.

But I got over that pretty quick.

As others have said better than me, it ain't on you.

Infidelity has nothing to do with anything wrong with you.

It is your wife's insecurity and worthlessness that contributed to her lack of care for you -- not ANYthing about the dude at the gym being cooler, or better. Your wife's selfish choice was her malfunction, she didn't improve her life giving it all away to a player.

Good men don't sleep with other man's wives. They just don't. He has nothing on you.

Remember YOUR worth and your value.

Once I got back to my feet, dusted myself off, I realized I don't need ANYone's approval of me. If my wife can't see my value, she needed to be somewhere else.