SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I have been in a loving and committed relationship for 15 years. We are both in our early thirties, we hooked up when we were both still very young. Our situation is strange in that our livelihood depends on us being together since we are in a band that has seen some mild success. This means we are constantly together on tour or working on music and if we split up we would both be without significant income. Three months ago I started noticing that she was acting strange, she got nervous if I came close to her phone or computer which never used to be a problem. She started blaming random things on me and being just very negative towards me. Most importantly I noticed that she would go to bed at 2 in the morning and get up again at 4 or 5. Then I stumbled onto a bunch of disturbing things on our internet history and it became clear to me that something was up. I immediately asked her about some of the things and she immediately denied everything and made like I was imagining it(not knowing that I had found evidence). I was hoping she would come clean since that has for many years been the nature of our relationship. When I busted her a couple of days later again she wouldn't talk to me for three days. I was in misery, not knowing exactly what was going on and a massive tour looming just weeks away. In those couple of weeks I hardly slept and busted her so many times, each time I would be blamed for something instead of us talking about the actual problem. She seemed not to care that I was in horrible emotional pain, this stretched over a three month period of me finding things out little by little and her denying or explaining away as just being nothing. Whilst we are on the biggest tour of our careers I'm forced to spend 24 hours a day with her lying to my face and then having to go on stage every night and perform. I just wanted to end it all. She clearly had more than one thing going on, she was planning to meet up with an ex on tour and had visited his Facebook page 10 times a day. He is married with two kids but from the messages I could already tell something was not right there. This was hardly the biggest of my concerns, she had something much bigger than that going on which finally came out one night after I intercepted an Instagram message(of all things). I found an email where she told this guy that they can no longer use that account cos I'm onto them. The confrontation turned ugly and I wanted to walk out on her even though I was in a strange country, she physically wouldn't let me leave but still kept lying to me about their relationship. It carried on like this on tour for another month. She would fight me about everything, just seemed like she wanted to argue and suddenly showed an awful amount of resentment towards me. She said that she doesn't love me, treated me like I was worthless. Two days ago after seriously not being able to deny the evidence any longer and me threatening to leave, she gave me at least some truth. The guy is her master and she must do whatever he demands of her, this includes obviously mostly sexual activities. She calls him sir and does everything for him. He's a real piece of work, all that resentment came from him telling her to hate me and encouraging her to break me down because she deserves all kinds of things I can't offer. I did not deserve this, I treat her with respect, love and understanding and it all turned into something so ugly. She was obsessed with him, wouldn't say a bad word about him and let her work and social life collapse under his influence. It took so much to snap her out of this fantasy and for all I know it's still going on since each time I bust them, they just move to a new place to chat. Our sex life has been slow for the last 7 years (mostly due to her making excuses), I've also noticed many other suspicious things like her staying out late and coming home wearing someone else's shorts etc. I used to just let go because I wanted to give her some space back then. So Lord only knows if something else was going on behind my back all these years. She has lied to me so many times that it's hard to believe her now when she denies any physical cheating. She went through the whole script, denying everything, blaming me, feeling sorry for herself and so on. Now after serious threats and much painful confrontation she says that she broke off the relationship with her online Dom and wants to R. I'm torn, it's too painful to be with her and yet I still love her to bits. She's always been my everything and if we split we would both be without a career since I would never be able to carry on with the music if we broke up.

I'm 33

She's 31

Been together for 15 of the best years of my life

Inform his wife without warning. Good bet he's doing this ar work do th Rees another outlet

How to navigate this when your lives and careers are interwoven is a dreadful puzzle. I honestly don't have an idea what you should do about online masters except for the standard infidelity advice in the healing library. Could you interview other musicians to come in so that if she leaves you won't be out of work? I know it's not that easy but bands do survive members leaving. I might be looking for a group to join just in case.

Why this stuff comes along to ruin wonderful lives and careers is bewildering. Sometimes great creative work can arise from the experience and sometimes we just escape from utter destruction. It's tough to be an artist giving of yourself and undergoing this trauma.

I would say that you have to protect yourself from whatever she may choose to do. You can't let an out of control situation steer your life. Be open to opportunity and maybe she takes this as the moment to change and make some sudden growth in her life too. Don't think you can't go on with music without her. The music lives in you. I find in emotional times I can use my art to help me through.

[This message edited by pureheartkit at 9:02 PM, July 9th (Monday)]

My husband used to be a musician. Still gets hit up for projects all the time. I see why you wouldn't want to rock the boat in your situation, but it's probably one reason she's so brazen. She doesn't think you'll leave because you don't want to break up the band. So... side projects.

This will do a few things for you:

- scare her shitless

- help you feel more confident

- garner support and distraction at a time when you really need it

- possibly add to extra income

You should also tell the other man's wife as soon as possible. She deserves to know her husband is cheating, and she is your best bet at getting things to stop. WITH THIS GUY. If your girlfriend is in cheater mode, she's going to stay there until she admits she did the wrong thing and works on herself. Keep reminding her who did what. Cheating was stupid and selfish. Full stop.

Oh, and this...

I would never be able to carry on with the music if we broke up.

Total bullshit. Artists make their best work while they're struggling through heartbreak. Best time ever to start a new band.

Man.... I feel your pain. My wayward wife did the same thing. She became the sub to an online Dom through fetlife. Its horrible. You sound like you're handling it so much better than I am. I'm just trying not to kill myself every day. But I am truly sorry that you are having to deal with any of this. I know how soul crushing it is. I wish I could offer toy something to help, but I'm afraid mutual commiseration is all I got for you at the moment.

Be the man. Let her know that you cannot accept such behaviour. Don't do the pick me dance because then you will certainly lose her, but propose a divorce. If she is really remorsefull she has to take the actions to save the marriage. About master and sub. If she really likes this kink why don't you both sexually explore this toghether. can be a lot of fun. Has she ever got physical sex with this man or is it just some fantasy of her being dominated?

She became another man's sub, and you still want her?

If she really likes this kink why don't you both sexually explore this toghether. can be a lot of fun.

I think this is terrible advice.

Trying to get into the very thing that is tearing you apart? No way.

Stay true to who you are as a person. Start detaching from this train wreck, I would step AWAY, not TOWARDS her.

I was also wrapped up in the same business as my cheating husband, and breaking up meant losing my job and our mutual connections, but although it destroyed the frame of the life I was living, his cheating didn't destroy ME. I got out, found a new way forward, and I don't have to be a part of his dysfunctional bullshit any more.

I agree that you can continue to make your music without her in the picture. I suggest you tell your bandmates as soon as possible and open up the discussion about how to handle turnover in the band. Either you are leaving or she is, this isn't a salvageable situation.

Holy mother of all crap. If you can disentangle yourself from this person, please, find a way. You are describing pure torture. This was sadistic. Truly and on purpose. I can relate on so many levels.

She needs some serious therapy.

While the dom/sub lifestyle can be very intoxicating -- even addictive -- there are ground rules, and consent is central. The sub creates her own boundaries. The power exchange comes from the dom pushing those boundaries. It sounds like your wife definitely has serious boundary issues, as while married participants are not unusual within the lifestyle, the secrecy about the relationship with the spouse is not the norm! (I know, it is hard to imagine a marriage where one or both can have this kind of relationship, but there are many married folks who choose to explore their sexuality to the hilt!)

But like any infidelity, your wife simply did not want to ask you if she could explore this, but went ahead and did it behind your back. This is one reason I think she needs to explore this in therapy. Taking directions from a stranger online can be very dangerous. I would want to know how she first made contact with this person, and what moved her to want to begin an anonymous relationship in which she gave control to a complete stranger. It may be because she was afraid to explore this in real life, but it certainly might signal she is afraid to share her deepest desires with you, her spouse. A therapist should be able to help uncover the source of her motivation.

I am sorry you are going through this.

Edited to add: I found this on a blog about online dominance and submission, because I am a researcher at heart. I know I would want to know what strange and new things my spouse found an interest in, whether it be skydiving, extreme sports, or a new interest the kept them glued to their laptop all day and night. Knowledge is power, and the more you know about this, the less b.s. your spouse can pass off to you about her secret.

“Among the cyber population is a growing number of predators. Those who seek to find the vulnerable, exploit their dreams and pervert those dreams into ugly episodes of brutality and cruelty. And there are those who have discovered a way to find ‘free’ people to use for sex or servant. They have landed amidst the herd of the unsuspecting. The only way to combat these people who are not ‘of’ our community but ‘using’ it for ugly purposes is education. The more a person learns the easier it becomes to spot those who have suspect motives.”

Can I ask, before you found out about this, has your wife ever shown any interest in BDSM? Was she an avid reader of the recently popular pulp-turned-movie series, 50 Shades? It might be helpful to both of you to recognize the boundaries between healthy curiosity and acting out outside of marriage. It also might be more helpful if you have a fundamental understanding of what she might have been wanting to explore, rather than just getting really angry and making her sharing her honest feelings more difficult.

[This message edited by OneInTheSame at 8:44 AM, July 10th (Tuesday)]

First, there is no such thing as soulmates. Get that through your head.

Second, this isn't the end of the world. You don't have kids. You have an awesome career. Sounds like your sex life sucked. Was this a sexless marriage? How frequent?

You need to man up and stop crying over this. Let her go. It's that simple. You both become co-workers. You're no longer a couple. Get separate hotel rooms. Think of all the fun you can now have that th you're finally single later on in life when you are much smarter and mature?!? If you both want out and can be adults about it, there's no reason why your band can't continue on for the time being.

You have no idea how good you have it, man! Time to free yourself of this woman you've been dating before your brain fully developed. This is your time!

[This message edited by GuyInColorado at 10:03 AM, July 10th (Tuesday)]

I have been in a loving and committed relationship for 15 years.

Apparently, she didn't get that memo. She has shown you that she is neither loving or committed. In fact, she's a liar and a cheater. A depraved cheater at that. You'd be well advised to kick her ass to the curb, now that she's shown you who she is.

Your working relationship with her is unfortunate, but I wouldn't advise that you continue it as non partners. It would just be too difficult to compartmentalize your resentment for her. That would be nothing but trouble for you.

On the positive side, you aren't married and don't have children. You should take your professional lumps now and move on with your life. Find some one else who understands what a "committed" relationship actually entails.

[This message edited by badmemory at 10:07 AM, July 10th (Tuesday)]

I have been in a loving and committed relationship for 15 years.

she was planning to meet up with an ex on tour and had visited his Facebook page 10 times a day.

Your wife/girlfriend is obviously still committed to the ex. If you're not married and no kids... there is nothing to save here.

Right now she has the upper hand.

Unless you are willing to make the sacrifice and prove to her that your dignity and self respect is worth more, you are not going to get anywhere.

In all honesty, you are not married.. have no kids... you needn't put up with this. How on earth do you see yourself making a life with someone without morals. Imagine having kids with her? you'd be stuck.

Do yourself a favor, eat humble pie and move in with a buddy or family until you can land a better gig and let her rely on "master" to take care of her.

You'd be wise to do that, but generally those cheated on tend to stick around for more punishment.

15 years meant nothing to her so grow a pair and make another 15 years to a lifetime with someone worth your efforts

He's her master and she must do what he says? Are you sh*tting me? Is she 7 years old or mentally challenged? Seriously, how do you expect to have a rational discussion about this with her if she tells you something like that with a straight face. Does she not see how ridiculous it is?

[This message edited by CincyKid at 11:28 AM, July 10th (Tuesday)]

Haha... read CincyKid's post over and over. True AF!

Just laugh and let her go. Sing next to her and then go screw all of the women you want after the shows while she has her online master tell her what to do thousands of miles a way. LOL! How can you not laugh about it??

[This message edited by GuyInColorado at 5:54 PM, July 10th (Tuesday)]

(1) She was a sub for another man.

(2) She was a sub for another man.

(3) She was a.......

RUN.

Thanks to all for the support and advice, it's been helpful to get some outside perspective. Unfortunately this forum has now been compromised for me as WS has found it

You need to check out of this high school mentality nonsense pronto

It may be good for her to review what others are saying about her behavior. It is ridiculous. You need to consider detaching and allow the Facebook friend and the internet dom have her given her resentment to your shutting down contact.

To allow an old dom control over herself via messaging apps is beyond reason. She needs help - IC. She needs to get it together. This is way beyond what is acceptable adult behavior. Because of her infidelity I suggest she start posting in the Wayward forum. They may be able to help her.

[This message edited by Ripped62 at 9:11 PM, July 22nd (Sunday)]