I am fairly new to this club. My dday was in September. I have been married nearly 31 years, together 33, and I lived with my WH one year prior to getting married.
He has always been loving, supportive and we had a good sex life. Although, I didn’t know how important oral was to him, I now understand why I didn’t. He was getting it elsewhere. He did try performing oral on me on different occasions. He performed it during our first time being together sexually, after dating for a while. I found this to be a turn off because, I didn’t think that was something you did in the beginning of forming a relationship. I too had/have my own sexual hang ups. He says, that he put me on a pedestal and he didn’t feel like a wife was suppose to perform oral sex. I’m puzzled by his statement, because I haven’t always been his wife. When I mentioned that to him his response was that he was working to build a relationship with me and that he didn’t want that from me. I was at a higher level. Help.....how does that make sense?
I discovered that my WH cheated on me over 25 years ago, and hasn’t cheated since; at least that is what he claims.
In Sept he confessed to cheating during the early part of our marriage and hasn’t cheated in over 25 years.
He confessed to seeing two women that he met in clubs prior to starting a relationship with me. According to my WH he met these women that approached him and asked if he wanted to have some “fun”. He asked, how much and was told $20. The first one who he has had the longest relationship with and whom he continued seeing a number of years after we were married, there was no intercourse, so he says. He did admit to performing oral sex on her twice. One night was the first night he was with her in a hotel room she rented. How nasty! He said, he didn’t continue performing oral on her because it just wasn’t good; however he continued seeing this woman for years. Prior to us living together she did occasionally visit his apartment and even stayed over one night. Do men allow those types of women to stay over? Maybe, I ‘m just naive. He says that he has never kissed either women. I find that hard to believe. The woman he spent the least amount of time with, he doesn’t know her last name and she has never been to his apartment. He did admit to receiving a bj in his car because for some reason he wasn’t allowed in her apartment on that particular day.
I’m struggling because one of these really feel like a relationship to me, although he keeps saying that it was not. That it was strictly oral sex and transactional. Something just doesn’t feel right! I can’t put my hands on it, but my gut is telling me that there is more.
He does not really know when things ended. What he is sure of is that it never happened while leaving in our current home. He said, that he would go months with out contacting these women or them contacting him; however, out of the blue he would call them or they would call him at work and ask, if he/they wanted to get together and things would start up again.
My WH is a quiet, hardworking, shy man that doesn’t really have friends. He is very family oriented. Even around family he is very quiet and stays to himself. He tried to please me in all areas and it’s so difficult to believe that he would betray me and that he had so little regard for these women. I told him that it’s hard for me to believe that he didn’t try to satisfy these women like he did/does with me. He said, it was totally about him.
My WH was in his late 30’s when we got married. I think I associated age with knowledge and wisdom. I’m
learning that he may have really been somewhat naive about relationships and he had never been in a real and meaningful relationship.
I am just devastated. He seems to be remorseful and is trying. He started going to a counselor (something that I never thought he would agree to). He doesn’t see his counselor any longer but we are in couples counseling. We are working on improving our communication but he just seems so superficial.
This is so hard. I may never understand the things that I’m trying to understand.
Sorry, that I’m all over the place and the long rant. I just need to communicate with someone besides him and the counselor.