SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

She knows I've filed and has made the decision that were now over because of it.

It was over before you filed. She was never gonna stop anyway.

It hurts, but you probably knew the truth deep down, it's a tough pill to swallow and it's something that may take a long time to get over but at the same time look at the quality of the person you're getting upset over.

A person who continues to piss all over you, with no regard for your feelings.

You validate her with these out bursts, every time you get angry because she knows you still care and what ego kibbles she's getting, a new boyfriend and a husband she can still play when she decides to.

Thing is how long are you willing to play this game? You have kids so she's in your life for good, you will have to interact. Are you game for a lifetime of her yanking your chain and you being upset?

Improve the quality of your life through improving the quality of self and that bruised ego. Stop giving her the gift of ego kibbles, if you have something to say bite your tongue, breathe and count to five before you speak.

She knows I've filed and has made the decision that were now over because of it.

It was over before you filed. She was never gonna stop anyway.

Yea this struck me as wrong. It may just be semantics but I wouldn't let her start spinning this that you are over because you filed for Divorce. The marriage ended when she had an Affair. All you've done is get the paperwork started. This is on her. You do not owe her another chance. She made the decision to sleep with someone else and you are now over because of that.

Hi all, thought I'd check-in.

So things have pretty much continued as they are, the 180 is helping a lot and apart from a few slip-ups with the NC rule it's been going OK. D papers yet to arrive which is very annoying because I want this to get moving now.

I never bothered with the VAR in the end as she'd already read this thread, I've also stopped snooping and digging for info, I've come to the realisation that all that's doing is hurting me more without any gain at all.

The only bad days I have are when I've engaged in contact and lost my temper, if I keep NC then I find my days are a lot better. The A hasn't stopped, no attempt at R has been made, and we've not discussed ANYTHING in person since 2 days after DDay.

She's looking for somewhere to live and hopefully that will be sometime next month. I've suggested we tell the kids before that happens so that they get used to it, so once the separation is "scheduled" then we will tell them in good time. My patience on this is wearing thin though as my first born is picking up on her absence and is starting to question things. This is killing me to see and whilst a part of me wants to plough ahead and tell the kids myself, it needs to be both of us doing that chat, that feels like the right and honest thing to do, and it's one thing I DO NOT want to fuck up.

So from that it's pretty clear that D is the only route, feels like the acceptance stage at the moment, the shock has worn off but I have to control my anger, particularly when around her, I now know what triggers me inside, and learning to control that has been the hardest thing I've ever had to do.

On the good days I worry, I worry because I can feel so normal, and have these moments where I just don't feel the burden, and then I stop and think "Shit, does that mean another emotion is going to hit me soon???". I know there's more to come and I'm not looking forward to any of it.

One thing I've noticed, and this triggers me every time, I'll receive a text concerning the kids or something, but in that message she'll make a point to mention something that tells me either where she's going or where she's been and this then sets me off, now I could be paranoid but this really feels like bait to me - and so far I've FALLEN FOR IT EVERY FUCKING TIME!!! I feel like a fish who just chomped on a hook. So from that I know that I need to improve on the detachment, and detaching from someone you've spent 21 years with is FUCKING HARD.

Thanks for all the posts so far. Any opinions on my last paragraph would be particularly welcomed, I just get the feeling that some of what's said is on purpose to get a rise out of me, to maybe see if I have completely detached or that I do still get upset.

You will learn to detach from her emotionally in time, and with practice. You are in control of your reactions.

I would simply respond with “it’s clear you have chosen to no longer put my feelings above all others, so I no longer need to know where you have been or are going. Thank you.”

Then don’t respond if she does.

I feel for you. I really do.

Just a small update, got confirmation that D papers have been mailed. I got to read the papers too in the email and it really does feel like shit is getting real now, I had a bit of a shock but a good one, as if finally I can begin getting out of this shithole I'm in. I've waited 3 weeks feeling like no progress, now they've been served I feel like I've got the control back.

Still very angry that I was ever put in this position, never believed in D because my mother had an affair and broke up the home, it forever tarnished me.

People can be so cruel.

I'm sorry brother.

Sorry things have come to this.

Part of the 180 is NOT snooping. You can't do research like that and disconnect. It doesn't work. So I'm glad you are putting an end to that.

I'm glad you are taking control and putting an end to things.

As far as telling your kids, what is your reason for waiting? I suspect that this is weighing on you. If your children are starting to sense the stress, I would suggest you stop putting it off. If the paperwork has been filed, it is "official". If your WW makes excuses, then some time when she is there, call your kids together and start the conversation. It may make your WW uncomfortable, but who the f&@* cares? She didn't care about the rest of the family when she made her choices. No reason for you all to accommodate her.

If she's been served then the children need to be informed regardless of whether she participates or not. They need at least one parent who's going to be honest with them regardless of how hard the truth is. If you want to destroy their trust in you and ruin your future relationship with them, just keep them in the dark. It will come back to bite you hard and you'll have no one to blame but yourself. You show your love for them by never lying, never being deceitful, never being dishonest, and always being the one person in this world where they know they'll get the truth no matter how difficult or painful it is. They need a solid anchor that they can rely upon; that should be you. Take care of yourself and your kids.

Papers now officially served. Feeling positive that I'm out of infidelity. Plans to tell children are in place. Today I felt a lot more normal and grounded. Even in control. At one stage I genuinely laughed today.

When I had noone. And I mean noone. This place was here for me so thanks to everyone. I took on board all the advice but I didn't react. I mulled everything over and ultimately made the decisions once I was happy that they were right for me. It would have been so easy to back down and take this shit and I guess the advice and perspective gave me the clarity to carry out those decisions not to mention the strength.

Even though this is a shitty situation with no guarantees, the way I feel today is night and day compared to the pain and suffering I was going through throughout this horrendous shitstorm. And I couldn't have got through it without that support. Thanks again.

Don't lie to your kids. If you have to approach it yourself. She's not going to partner for this or she'll attempt a rugsweep and blame it all on you later.

You can tell them in a sanitized non confrontational way.

Keeping them in the dark will only compound their anxiety.

It would be to your benefit to discuss what you are going to tell your children. Marz is right, she may rewrite marital history and blame you. Do not get caught in another trap of her making.

Be as open and honest as possible considering their ages. You know what your parents split did to you, try to help your kids through this as the thoughtful loving father you have proven to be. There will be tears and profound sadness over time, let everyone deal with it in their own way and be ready with a therapist.

I feel for you, buddy. Be strong. You’ll get through this. Your children will always love you no matter what happens. Just be here for them. Don’t demonise their mother though. If she demonises you they’ll resent her one day when they get older.

I agree, don't demonize their mother, but want to add to make sure that the kids understand and KNOW that they are not the cause of the D, that they are merely innocent bystanders who will be unfortunately impacted by it.

What are you going to tell the kids?

You handled this unfair situation very well for yourself as well as your kids. Stay in touch and know that you are not alone.

"At one stage I genuinely laughed today."

I've been there. I remember the weight being lifted and an incredible feeling of relief rush over me. I've been happily divorced for years now and at times I still chuckle over getting my freedom. Not that I'm advocating divorce and certainly there are still some bumps ahead, but the decision to get the wheels in motion is one of the hardest decisions you have to make. You've taken control of your life; where the road leads from here is your decision. I'm really happy for you.

Mantorok

How did she react to the papers.

Are you still headed toward D?

How are you holding up?

Make sure you EXPOSE her A to all family and close friends without warning, she may try to put the blame on you and rewrite your M history. Make sure they know she's the one that cheated and has a boyfriend.