SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I do now feel that I'm at the point where I'm not going to discover the full story, there is some proof but it's not from the horses mouth so to speak, I'm hoping the var will give me closure, I guess what some of you said is true, I want it to be exposed as a PA just so that any doubt is completely gone, I know that's not the right thing to do, and it is a sticking point that I'm trying to work through now. But as I'm sure all of you will understand, that's really difficult for me because I'm so angry and just want to tell her what a filthy lying cheating scumbag she is.

One of the most difficult things to reconcile in our own minds is the real possibility that our own partner, THE ONE WHO WE ARE CLOSEST TO IN LIFE, will not even give us the honesty that we deserve. But once you accept that this is their shortcomings, and it is all on them, it gets a little bit easier.

Thanks for your post, I probably didn't mention it in my OP but I've had this conversation with her numerous times, every time we talk I keep re-iterating that contact must cease - she won't do it, and claims that we can get through this if she keeps the "friend" relationship side and avoids the "partner" side - yeah, I too was thinking HTF would that work?????? I have also said if it doesn't cease then it's game over. I even tried to explain to her the affect it would have on my repair if I'm still wondering what she's doing every time shes out of sight and with him!

So from the responses on here are telling me, it IS game over, and it's now time to act on that, not just talk about it.

Yes, it is ALL about the actions. And the same goes for YOU and YOUR actions. Don't do something with the expectation of some sort of response from her. That is not detaching....that is trying to manipulate a result. You need to use tunnel vision when you are taking actions to get yourself out of infidelity. You need to do these things solely for you.

"...when I file she is then going to blame me for the break-up, I know that and fully expect it."

Why give a fuck who she blames? My gosh, man, the woman has been spending time in hotel rooms with another man--and his home.

[This message edited by MidnightRun at 5:45 AM, July 17th (Tuesday)]

One of the most difficult things to reconcile in our own minds is the real possibility that our own partner, THE ONE WHO WE ARE CLOSEST TO IN LIFE, will not even give us the honesty that we deserve. But once you accept that this is their shortcomings, and it is all on them, it gets a little bit easier.

This is obviously the biggest hurdle, I think the shock is still wearing off, and you don't WANT to believe it's happening, you don't WANT to be going through this right now, you WANT to believe that your WW would not ACTUALLY go through with something like this, I now HAVE to accept that it IS happening and I need to get out.

It's tough, really tough, but I think I'm getting there, it's a battle with myself more than anything butI will come out of it alive.

Why give a fuck who she blames? My gosh, man, the woman has been spending time in hotel rooms with another man--and his home.

I know, it's crazy, there's facts and there are emotions.

The first one is easy, the latter is hard, particularly at this juncture, maybe I'm not very good at managing them, in fact I KNOW I'm not good at managing them, particularly negatives.

I have to cut through them, I WILL cut through them.

You will be okay. It is difficult. Hell to be exact. I do not understand why wayward spouses rip our hearts to pieces for such selfish reasons. It happens a lot unfortunately. This site is called Surviving Infidelity for a purpose. We are going through what you are experiencing with you or have survived. My thoughts are with you and your family.

So I'm not asking for advice right now but I'd like some insight if possible.

Since the 180 I think she's noticed my distancing from her. But she's trying to creep now and suggesting we play nice and I've shot her down politely every time. However I'm sensing frustration in her because I'm no longer confronting her and starting arguments which result in her going out for the night. So instead she gets annoyed and starts one with me so she has an excuse to distance herself from me.

So is this a ploy to make me feel like I'm the bad guy now or is she feeling her plan B slipping away?

Again not asking for advice just insight so I can understand the situation better and be able to deal with it.

It does not matter. It is impossible to know her reasons. Have you discussed boundaries with her?

[This message edited by Ripped62 at 1:37 PM, July 17th (Tuesday)]

Again not asking for advice just insight so I can understand the situation better and be able to deal with it.

She does feel you slipping away and she is trying to keep you where you were. If you continue with the 180 she is going to get even angrier most likely. She enjoys knowing that she can affect you with her behavior. It is part of the thrill of all of this. She has two men pursuing her. She can get you riled up and it makes her feel desired. Just continue with what you are doing. Get out of Infidelity, with or without her.

You should not be fighting in the 180. Use these phrases if you must communicate.

* I am not Okay with that

* I see things differently

* That is interesting

* It's unfortunate for you that you feel that way.

* I am sorry you feel that way.

* It is hard to hear your words when your actions speak so loudly.

* You do what you feel you have to do. I will do the same.

These will stop the confrontations. The first 3 or 4 work for most situations.

So I'm not asking for advice right now but I'd like some insight if possible.

Since the 180 I think she's noticed my distancing from her. But she's trying to creep now and suggesting we play nice and I've shot her down politely every time. However I'm sensing frustration in her because I'm no longer confronting her and starting arguments which result in her going out for the night. So instead she gets annoyed and starts one with me so she has an excuse to distance herself from me.

So is this a ploy to make me feel like I'm the bad guy now or is she feeling her plan B slipping away?

Again not asking for advice just insight so I can understand the situation better and be able to deal with it.

I think its obvious isn't it?

You've stopped arguing with her, the arguments were her ticket out of the house. Now, because you've stopped providing her with an excuse to leave she has to go looking for it herself. She's picking fights so she has an excuse to run off to loverboy.

[This message edited by leftbroken at 12:37 PM, July 17th (Tuesday)]

She's playing you like a child plays a parent. We're here to help you escape infidelity--not to hold your hand while you wallow.

Mantorok,

The problem with how you're handling this is crystal clear. You tell her you're going to do something and then don't do it. She knows you're bluffing. That empowers her and makes her perceive you as weak and co-dependent. That in turn reduces her attraction for you compared to the OM.

For her to continue seeing this guy and not tell you the truth is a marriage ender. Period. The question is not whether she's had sex with him; she has; it's whether you respect yourself enough to not accept it. If she sees that you are serious she may or may not turn around. Either way, starting the divorce process is the best plan to get you out of infidelity one way or the other. But, you've got to follow through. All the way if necessary.

Until you understand and believe that you have to be willing to end your marriage to save it; you'll continue to be her door mat and be miserable.

[This message edited by badmemory at 3:08 PM, July 17th (Tuesday)]

OP,

IMO the source of most mistakes, confusion, and paralysis that so many BS go through after DDay comes from one fundamental mistake....

After discovery, they start trying to predict what their WS is going to think or do based on how they imagine THEY would react if the roles were reversed.

If I had just been busted, I would.....

If I knew my M was on the line, I would....

Or variations on this theme.

Then....they get rattled and confused when the WS does not do those things.....and get caught up in overanalysing things like:

Why are they acting like this?

What could this mean?

And with that overanalysis comes paralysis.

But the fundamental mistake came at the VERY BEGINNING of their thinking and decision-making process.

They think/believe their WS is going to react and think like THEY do.

It is flawed from the get go.....if the WS thought and acted like the BS, they wouldn’t even be in the situation to begin with....there would have been no A.

The best policy for a BS is always to forget trying to understand why the WS did what they did, or even continue to do it.

Harsh as it sounds, the only real response to those questions is....WHO CARES WHY!

It does not matter.....

The only thing that should matter to a BS is getting themselves out of the insanity of infidelity ASAP.....

And that means focusing on what the BS needs to do to end the M immediately while simultaneously annihilating the A through exposure(even if they want to try R eventually).....

This sends a clear and unequivocable message to the WS that their bullshit will no longer be tolerated.....any continuation of it will mean they will soon no longer have their spouse and life as they have known it up til that point.

If the WS is OK with that and continues.....well, they were never coming back anyway and the BS is well on their way to ridding themselves of a useless traitor.

On the other hand, if they do not really want to D, the WS will panic and realize if they don’t get their head out of their ass and start meeting the demands of their BS that is exactly what they are going to get in short order.....

In other words, the WS has to do the pursuing and begging to save the M.....

And at that point, it is up to the BS to decide if they even want to try to save the M or just move on to find a better future.

I know it is recent for you.....but right now you seem stuck in that first fundamental mistake, expecting your WW to act as you would and puzzled why she isn’t.

Stop wasting your time with that.....it will just keep you stuck in infidelity....

And besides.....as a non-cheater, you will never come to a ‘why’ that will truly make a bit of sense to you anyway....

That’s why so many BS on these threads post about how they think their WS has lost their damn minds.

She could care a less about redeeming her self.

Being a bar fly is a hell of a lot more fun then being a remorseful wife.

Hell or high water your old lady is going after some attention!

The questions remain who and were.

That's my $0.02

Cut the wheat from the chaff:

She's screwing another man, period.

Accept it, or do something about it.

[This message edited by MidnightRun at 8:12 PM, July 17th (Tuesday)]

What she is doing and why is now irrelevant. She has shown you enough disrespect already to show you she is not a worthy partner in your marriage.

She refuses to stop seeing him, so the only way to get out of infidelity is to divorce her. Forget about holidays, trying to rationalise her actions etc. The 180 is there to build up yourself so that you can live without her. It is not there to show her that, that is just incidental but it is not the purpose.

See a lawyer immediately and divorce her asap. I presume it will be a no fault divorce. Your only chance for it to be other has passed. You needed to gather your evidence before confronting her. You could I suppose employ a PI to show the Court that she is still seeing this man and at least having an EA, if not a PA after DDay, which will be pretty damming morally if it achieves nothing else, if that is what you really want.

If she changes dramatically then you can stop the process but otherwise it must, must be full steam ahead.

Show her your strength. Up until now all you have done is show her your weaknesses.

"The A is the wound, the lies are the salt" - Stronger08

[This message edited by SorrowfulMoon at 8:07 PM, July 17th (Tuesday)]

Open your eyes man.

Why let her make a fool of you ?

Why let her walk all over you ?

She is spending time with him in hotel,going out with him,talking with him all day and ALL OF THIS in front of your eyes.

Your life,good luck.

Mantarok the reason you are floundering and the reason she is not willing to break off the affair and stop being this other guy's bang-toy is because up until now all you have done is talk.

Talking to her won't change a thing.

As for my own fWW, the shit didn't get real for her until I plopped that divorce petition down in front of her. That changed my WW's attitude pronto. She sang a different tune after she saw that I was ready to end the marriage.

Listen to Livingwithpain.

No better truth can be found.

I am only two weeks after finding out and am still working on the 180 - my WS says he’s getting help with sex addiction (whatever), but I’m going to take care of myself now. The one piece of advice I can give is that your WS clearly has no idea what she is doing to your kids. I am the second wife and although we met after his D, where WS Ex told the kids about his infidelity, it was super rough on the kids and I got to see it first hand.

You should go down the D path as she has given you no other option, but be sure all you do is directed at WS and that the kids don’t end up in a position to take sides, even if it is your side and you are right - maybe IC for them at some point too. Don’t let her use “it’s in the kids best interest” to keep her happy and you compliant. Kids will get over it - my stepdkids are fabulous now - but just communicate with them. I saw a post that stuck with me about “when you don’t clean your room in a long time, it keeps building - mom and dad are cleaning up” or similar. I told my 13 year old “we are working through some issues and they are between us” and she has been good with that. I do “seem” to have a remorseful WS, but we will see.