SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I also agree with Timelessloss,

If your wife had nothing to hide, then why is she searching your computer. Yes, she is researching to find out what you know to cover her butt. I believe, she is taking her affair underground and will maintain a low profile. You must demand of her not to have any form of contact with that person. Follow the prescribed steps of Timelessloss!!!

Best

Confused... let's take a breath.

You chose to confront and have done so... honestly you now have to control the direction in which you are comfortable with in the issues you brought to light with your wife.

Very similar to what was in my earlier posts, I stated perhaps bring up your marriage issues without the accusation of cheating... while this point is now moot, the issues still remain as you clearly would like more intimacy.

I would cool off on trying to be detective for now and can always resume later if more red flags arise; but, focus on what you know.

1. Her relationship with the OM is not appropriate. Enforce no contact with him. This in either case of A or no A puts you in control of that relationship and ends it.

2. Start a plan with her to get the intimacy back or whichever issues within the marriage you feel are most important to work on. Bigger's advise about the vars to date nights, I would agree with.

The point again is that you chose to confront and now must follow through as to keep moving in the right direction. To again reiterate in holding off on the detective work for now.

While I did not totally agree with Bigger on confronting right away, he is correct in that we can become obsessed and see what we want even if it is not there. Clearly there are red flags and issues, so for now work on those and getting your relationship to a point where you can discuss boundaries with your wife that hopefully she reciprocates and can restore your confidence.

You know what you know, don't ignore what is already found by this constant digging for an "ah ha" moment.

all the best.

[This message edited by atreides at 6:40 PM, July 23rd (Monday)]

You are blown. I think you should confront. I also think you should proceed with message recovery software and you need to take more precautions just now. Assume she is a world class spy and proceed accordingly.

[This message edited by Smillie at 7:05 PM, July 23rd (Monday)]

Has she ever explained the SIM cards? That's something you need an answer to. Does she travel overseas, is the SIM form her old phone? I would go on the trip with her, are you going?

Many of the red flags have explanations on their own but taken together they paint a curious picture.

Do you think it is time to just put it all out there, your thoughts about her "BF" and the various questions you have?

Like bigger says about horses and zebras. Let's hope there are not zebras. but there bloody well may be.

I agree with House.

Something is off. Stop feeling guilty. It's her who let this OM into your life and marriage. It's her who should feel guilty. I would take the approach that she has already cheated and make her walk back how she didn't.

Break off all communication with this guy, make sure there are no burner phones and then really ask her if you did this to her, would she stand for it or stay married to her ??

She will say yes of course but look into her eyes and see the real answer.

What you just went through was disgusting.

Prepare for the worst case scenario, attorney etc..... don't file quite yet and confront her multiple times. Get the truth as best as you know it and observe. There's more to the eye here that you know.

And when it exposes it's ugly head, go to war.

Sounds like an empty houser affair

and why are your kids getting texts about this scumbag ?

wait, I must have missed that, he is texting the kids?

Wow... Confused, whatever the status... no contact with the OM has to be enforced.

But that of two evils you would rather she divorces your than be in an affair.

This must be your mantra to yourself and to your wife. Follow Bigger's advice on this. You must show her the strength of your resolve. However innocently she let another man into your marriage, that is beyond dispute.

Yes talk to her but be assertive whilst doing so along the lines of TimelessLoss's excellent post. There are many red flags here including the latest one of her searching your computer. Why on earth would she do this if she was completely innocent? You researched her because you were concerned she was guilty of infidelity. She is researching you because she is afraid you will find her infidelity.

She may argue that she is afraid you are becoming paranoid. Your answer is that she be completely 100% open with you and you will be the same with her.

If she is innocent you both win, if she is guilty you both lose. There are no winners in infidelity.

Your indecisiveness and lack of street-smart tact is going to be your downfall. This is tantamount to war for a BH. Why leave your PC open like that?

Act fast !

Poly!

She says no and you have your answer.

Thats my take on this, but I have never been one who was able to sit by and let things simmer.

In my mind, seeing a guy regularly, in bars and elsewhere, two people who really like each other, all in secrecy, over a long period, is deep infidelity, a full blown affair.

There is no reason imo for more information to confirm this.

I would however wonder about these points: (1) Has it been going on-and-off since college? (2) Has she discussed marriage with this divorcing person? (3) Did your wife facilitate his divorce?

Hang in there and try to learn the truth.

Either way you need some more answers to decide what is best for you your wife and kids.

Good luck

[This message edited by MickeyBill2016 at 11:43 PM, July 25th (Wednesday)]

I am writing for a little closure and to give everyone on this forum a great deal of gratitude. After a little more data collection -- I realized that despite these real and disturbing red flags, there was nothing more that I could find. I had found several text strings, FB messages, and a few phone calls. Travelling seemed as normal as I could tell. So, I talked with my wife and told her my concerns. I never gave her details of the extent of my efforts and she never asked. She agreed that from my perspective that much of her behavior was inappropriate, and she apologized for the secrets. She never thought anything about this contact as more than reminiscing about college. She confirmed that her first (and only) connection other than a FB friending with her college friend was last year and it has stayed on FB the whole time, except for the recent set of texting.

Call me anything -- stupid and naive and maybe I am completely wrong and will be on this forum in a month or two with a darker tale, but I have to believe her. There is too much complexity to make her relationship with her old friend anything more than what she says it is. I have to believe her, because, basically the process of finding more information is tearing me apart. I do not have suspicious nature, but my imagination is large and can make up tremendous tales from little fragments of data. I found no burner phones, hidden accounts, nudes pictures, or anything out of the normal from my searches. My searches were far from complete -- I am just not capable of doing more than I did. I just stopped looking two days ago and told myself to cool down -- I haven't even looked at this page until today and was happy to see that some recommended this. As Bigger stated, there is always an alternative story, good or bad; there may be something that might be happening and I haven't found it. But until something hits me in the head again, I have to believe my wife.

As closure, my wife has defriended her college pal and cut off all contact. She called him to explain her reasons. I was there and spoke with him as well and explained to a nervous, defensive man what his actions suggested. He denied and claimed that they are just friends. I told him I don't believe him but if he wanted to talk face-to-face, I would be willing to drive 12 hours and talk him in person. He didn't want that and agreed to no contact. After my wife gets back from her conference, we are planning some trip to a MC and I can get back to planning her surprise party in September -- which has been totally derailed by this whole mess. Am I naive? maybe. Do I trust my wife? of course, but maybe not as much as I did -- which if she is telling the truth is a shame. I still have a strange feeling in my gut and my eyes are more open than ever. Whether this is a good or bad thing...who knows. Thanks again and good luck to everyone.

@confused1976, You did good by addressing the issue head on with your wife and making that phone call to OM to make sure he knows you're onto him, however, did you ask her about the sim card ? a sim card could be used as a burner phone, if I were in your shoes i would not dismiss that detail (a different OM ? I remember a few cases here in SI), tell her that in order for you to move on to give you access to that sim card (before there's a chance of deleting any data like she did the last time) then I would definitely move on and keep vigilant for any signs in the future and concentrate on improving your relationship, the more info/major red flags you discard, the better.

I think you have done well confused1976. It’s good that you again talked to your W and that she understood and agreed to unfriend him. I think you understand that those of us who have responded are all B.S. and speaking for myself at least, I know I tend to have a bias based on my experiences to suspect cheating even in questionable circumstances where the facts might lead to that conclusion but might not. Many times I am mistaken, but unfortunately too often we learn that cheating did exist. In your case the prospect that you described for an active A was speculative IMHO. I am glad at this time it seems not to be an A. Good for you. I don’t wish the pain of being a B.S. on anyone. Enjoy your M as I indicated earlier.

@confused1976, You did good by addressing the issue head on

Indeed. It is extremely rare that infidelity isn't a long slide down a slippery slope, and the ideal is to catch the slide sooner than later, before things get unrecoverable. Hopefully this is a warning to all parties. No marriage is so strong that it can't be brought down in a second. It needs tending.

...however, did you ask her about the sim card?

Maybe I read it wrong, but I thought she knew about sim cards, not that she had sim cards. Anyone who has replaced a phone and swapped the sim card knows about them.

The OP wrote

she knows about sims cards -

Not that she has pocketful.

Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.

Sometimes a SIM card is from an old phone.

"For iPhone users, there is another stash of location information. Go to Settings > Privacy > Location Services and then scroll down to System Services > Significant Locations. There you can see a map and list of the most frequently visited places as well as the times the locations were visited.

A second cell phone or SIM card

If your spouse is clever, he or she will be using a second cell phone—or just a second SIM card—-for communicating with his or her lover. However, people slip up occasionally. If your spouse calls you from a cell phone number you don’t recognize, that may be cause for suspicion. Try calling the other number when your spouse is home and see how they react. If you happen to find an extra SIM card, stick it in a phone and see what phone numbers are stored on it."

I think Confused played it right had a talk with his wife, and talked to the friend letting him know he was into him. OM was grooming Mrs Confused, possibly Mrs had no clue because it was her friend - or she liked a little harmless flattery.

When Confused took a break I feared the "you guys were right" post when it all comes out that she's been in an affair since college. I think this is one of the good outcomes.

Good luck with the MC and the party. Trust your spidey sense.

[This message edited by MickeyBill2016 at 3:17 AM, July 29th (Sunday)]

Hey ... I think you did ok. You stood up to her and him (and for yourself) - and let them both know where you stand and where the boundaries are. That took some guts (and self control). I think it's likely you nipped it in the bud ... and also discouraged the OM from 'playing' her. Don't feel bad about not trusting her 100% (that's on her).

Please stay in touch so others can learn.

Confused. I personally have no problem with your approach. Communication is the key and you are doing that. You will obviously be more attuned to what she is doing and with whom in the future. She knows she is “on probation “ in a way and has to rebuild your trust.

She needs to be open and honest with you about who she’s communicating with in the future, especially anyone that “professes love” and you should be willing to do the same for her.

My bigger concern for you is the marital problems you mentioned at the beginning of your thread. A dwindling physical life needs to be addressed. If you aren’t connecting sexually you shouldn’t let that go by the wayside. It’s an important part of any committed relationship and can cause great heartache and pain.

You need to get back to a point where you both desire each other and make that known as equally as possible. I wish you good luck in addressing that. I think if you can, you can have a happy relationship going forward for a long time. Hopefully forever.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 2:27 PM, July 26th (Thursday)]

confused1976

As closure, my wife has defriended her college pal and cut off all contact. She called him to explain her reasons. I was there and spoke with him as well and explained to a nervous, defensive man what his actions suggested. He denied and claimed that they are just friends. I told him I don't believe him but if he wanted to talk face-to-face, I would be willing to drive 12 hours and talk him in person. He didn't want that and agreed to no contact.

Well played, outstanding on your part!

She agreed that from my perspective that much of her behavior was inappropriate, and she apologized for the secrets. She never thought anything about this contact as more than reminiscing about college.

I find this disingenuous. Disappointing that she is still holding onto the viewpoint that it is your perspective that is the problem.

You did well. You stood strong.

Call me anything -- stupid and naive and maybe I am completely wrong and will be on this forum in a month or two with a darker tale, but I have to believe her.

The key thing here is that you made your feelings and your thoughts on the situation abundantly clear to your wife and that college pal. You've clearly communicated where your boundaries are on this and it sounds like all parties understand very well and communicated to you that they respect it.

That is the very best start in putting your foot down on the situation and more importantly it sounds like they believe you on how you've defined your boundaries on the matter. All you have at this point forward is the time to see if they consistently respect and honor it.

And should your situation do become worse down the road just know that we are not all sitting here holding 2x4s with "I told you so" stamped all over it. We know your pain very well and what you went through from the moment you suspected to where you are now with your own situation. We get it. We will also be here to help should you have to return with your own "You guys were right..." update because we have seen enough of those updates ourselves to know the last thing a BS needs is a kick in the teeth at that point.

Personally, I do hope you do not have such an update in your future. I also feel you got this nipped early in the bud and it did not progress from EA to PA. Definitely make sure you both go over the "Not just friends" book together. Best of luck, Confused.