SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I fucked up. I hate myself and I’m sick with guilt. I never thought I was capable of doing something so cruel.

Now I’m terrified of how to proceed. Do I have to tell my boyfriend? I honestly love the man so much and I want nothing more than to be with him. I can’t believe I could do something like this to hurt him.

It was a drunk, one time mistake. I’ll never do it again because I’m never drinking like that again. This has been a wake up call. If I tell him, I think he would be absolutely devastated and leave me. But I love the guy so fucking much. I really want to put it behind me and focus on being a faithful, good girlfriend. Should I just keep it to myself, avoid hurting him and never do anything like it again?

Any advice would be much appreciated. I’m just a fucking wreck right now. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, I can’t do anything but think about how bad I just fucked everything up. Please help.

Neoreader626,

Welcome to SI. You've come to a place where there are some wise people who will give you advice from experience and from the heart. I'm sorry you've made choices that brought you here.

Of course you'll have to confess to your boyfriend because he deserves to know what's happening in his life so that he can decide how to move forward. Please don't think you can keep this a secret and live a lie. That would be very damaging to both of you.

There's lots of good information in The Healing Library on this site. It's a good place to start.

I know how you feel (beyond devastated). I'm sorry.

Neoreader626

Welcome to SI and I'm sorry you are here. This is a great place to be for advice to help you through this. Some of the advice you will receive will be gentle and some will hurt like hell. Like you, we are all Waywards here in this forum. We are just at different places in healing. So remember, we only want to help you even if sometimes the help seems harsh.

As for telling your BBF (betrayed boyfriend), that is going to be a personal decision, one that only you can make. But the overwhelming belief here on SI is to be completely honest and confess your A (affair) to your BBF. I will warn you now, you will get hammered by this.

I personally believe that you should be honest and confess. You may not want to but deep down, you know it is the right thing to do or you wouldn't be here asking for help. As hard as it will be, it will be better for your BBF coming from you. He will be destroyed but try to imagine how he will feel if he finds out another way. That you didn't respect him enough to even tell him the truth.

Also, you did not make a mistake. A mistake is something you do by accident. This was not an accident. The sooner you own this and take responsibility for your actions, the sooner you will have taken a first step towards fixing yourself .

Up in the left hand corner is the healing library. It is a great place for information you will need. Also, How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair, is a must read. It is a short book that you can get online or download.

When you are comfortable with sharing more of your story, please do. It does help and it makes it easier to understand and help you. Just keep posting and remember, you will get through this.

Please get tested for STDs because it would be very disturbing to your boyfriend to find out you gave him a permanent gift. You also have to take care of yourself, no booze,drink lots of water and eat sensibly. It will help no one if you can't function correctly because you were wallowing in self pity.

Write a timeline in 2 versions, one a g rated version but that details times where you went what you were thinking at all points, and the second one is to be the full x-rated version with ALL the dirty details. Put them in two envelopes , plainly marked so he can decide how much he needs to know.

DO NOT Trickle Truth, which is not coming out and telling the COMPLETE TRUTH. You are going to have to tell the whole story because otherwise there will be holes in your story. If you lie you won't remember exactly what you said and he will catch you.

If you wind up having to confess more at a later date you will at the least have just restarted at ground zero all over again. The pain WILL BE WORSE than when you tell the first time. Why because NOW you just lied ALL OVER AGAIN. If he was having trust issues (and believe me he will) at the start of this and while he was trying to reconcile you are still lying than what can he believe?? How can he believe??

You have already trashed your old relationship. Your ONLY hope is NO MORE LIES!! NO omitting anything NO MATTER HOW BAD!! If you think that it is bad now, if it has to come out at a later time it will have the added baggage of all the additional lies. I have read here that the affair is bad but the lies "are the salt in the wound".

OK I'll get off my high horse and let others help you with different viewpoints.

Wish you luck and peace however this tragedy plays out.

Hey Neo, take a deep breath and breathe.

Fear is to be expected! And all the panic and anxiety that comes with. It's easy to let our emotions run away, become something bigger than we think we can handle. I mean this IS big, but try and center yourself. You've got some changeling times ahead of you, so try to take care of yourself.

Do I have to tell my boyfriend?

Well no I don't suppose you have to. You don't have to do anything you don't want. But I will say (gently) that you cannot go on being a faithful girlfriend because you are certainly NOT that.

One of the BIGGEST downfalls of a WS is thinking they can control the outcome, or predict it for that matter, so we tailor ourselves and actions based on our perceived thoughts of a particular outcome we want or think we can achieve.

In your situation, you think he will be devastated and leave you. You've got the devastated part right. No way to skirt around that. But Neo, you don't know that he will leave you. WE all thought our BSs would leave. Some did, but hey, some didn't.

I was so sure on dday that that was it. He's done with with me, marriage over, game over. Well when that didn't prove to be true, I was faced with something else. Brutal honesty. That meant confessing to two more affairs. Holy shit Neo! I've never been so scared in my life face with that, oh I just knew if not before, now it will be over. I paced around the kitchen, heart beating, life flashing before my eyes, two phrases circulating around in my head; "fuck it" and "FL just do the right thing for once!". I finally blurted "there's more". I forced myself to go beyond the paralyzing fear. It was hard!

I'm always going to encourage truth over lies. So, I will encourage you to confess. It's not going to be easy, and it will get ugly and hard. But people do recover intact with their SO after infidelity. Please don't let your fears keep you from doing the right thing.

How did it go? Did you tell? I myself am holding onto a secret not because I want to but because my husband is our fishing and he doesn’t want his life full of drama while he is working. So I have to wait till he comes home to tell me about my drink horrible one night stand. Right now it is eating me Alive. I feel awful my h won’t even talk to me right now cause he knows something happened. But if your bf truly loves you he will stay and fight. I think my husband truly loves me he just doesn’t know how to cope now. It’s even harder because we can’t see eachother for two months so the both of us have to sit with our pain.

It isn't the end of the world. People do get through this. Many better than they were. Telling the truth begins a real compassion to what other people are entitled to. To be in control of their lives and make informed decisions. Regardless of how much it hurts you or what you want. Choosing to take a selfless path. It will hurt them for some time, it seems a majority of the BS get over it with or without the WS. You can work towards fixing you and getting a real relationship where the other person loves the real authentic you. Working towards a healthier person you can be proud of because you are truthful, authentic, have honor and integrity.

Or you can lie, be eaten alive with guilt/shame, have a caged bird (boyfriend) you lie and manipulate to keep while reaping the benefits of their faithfulness who loves someone you aren't while taking the cowardly selfish way out. I mean after lying and manipulating someone in such a way, what keeps you from doing more shit down the road. Everything you build on from that point on is built on shit covered by cheap gold paint. Personally, I don't think it is possible to be a good person and lie and manipulate at the same time. If you are Godly person, then you continue to live in sin and risk that Eternal Soul.

Which sounds better?