SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am wondering what that means for most people?

Does it mean an intact marriage and family, even if not perfect, but together regardless (staying for kids, financials, circumstances).

Does it mean having a better marriage than before infidelity?

Does it mean divorce?

Does it mean forgiveness from the BH, an improved marriage, and stability and a fresh start?

Or does it mean having a BH that rugswept and not being challenged, just moving forward and not ever discussing it again? Pretend it never happened?

I think for me I am still not ready to define what happiness means to me after infidelity yet. I know I need to find my own personal happiness and not look towards finding it from my husband, but I do believe in having a happy marriage. I don't think I could just settle for staying for the kids or financial stability. I know I am still at a "working on me" stage but that includes making sure I can also work towards making my BH feel secure. I want a fully happy marriage, better than before infidelity, I want to be happy with myself, and I want my husband to find happiness, but I know this is a very long term goal.

What does happiness after infidelity look like for you?

Hi Pinkpggy,

I can say happiness for me after this shitshow of infidelity means that I have a partner that I can depend on. Meaning that if we decide this marriage can survive we can still raise our children together in peace. We can share future grandchildren and holidays with out anger.

We are doing well in R so from a marital standpoint it means that we are friends who get to have a lot of sex. We enjoy each other fully. We encourage one another. We laugh. We have fun. We CHALLENGE each other. That is new for us. I don't feel attacked when he pushing me to think differently or from another perspective. Same from him. I trust that his dreams are healthy and he is working towards them in a healthy positive manner. And I encourage him. It means that he is tuned into me...we are still working on what that means. But I am happy we are fumbling along with open hearts, communication and honest intent.

Happiness means that I am sure of myself and what I have for myself that his journey is his. I dont have to take it over or dictate it. He doesnt have to feel threatened by journey or feel as if he is being left behind.

Happiness for me(for us) means that we are two healthy people who get the pleasure of sharing our journey with each other, make memories, raise kids, cheer each other, experience heartache and disappointment with someone we trust to help us through it, challenge us to be our best selves, remind us when we are too far down in the weeds to see big picture or too far up to the see the details. We have eachother's back even if that means giving eachother a kick in the pants.

OH and we get to have a lot of sex.

In a nutshell it means that all my needs are being met. Some my W can fill, some I find in other areas. I diversified my life. I don't define myself by being a husband and father solely anymore.

I think I noticed I was happy when the volume on the A got lowered and it just became life. I though more about the present and the future than the past. It is still there and I think about it sometimes still, but I can usually reflect back to something I learned about myself. Or how awesome I am now. (humblebrag)

Being co-dependent was a large part of our issues. We've moved to a renewed M that is tailored to meet each of our needs. We talk about things all of the time. We've learned to "fight fair." We both know that not many issues can be resolved without both of us working at it. We fail or "forget" sometimes, but that is why admitting your faults, apologizing and being forgiven are crucial in a M. Resentments don't have time to take root.

It can be hard to get to the root of why certain things set each of us off. We've learned why we are that way and have explained to each other why that is that way. It isn't always comfortable in the moment, but you trust that it is taking somewhere you want to be.

Sorry. Starting typing and it just came out.

Does it mean forgiveness from the BH, an improved marriage, and stability and a fresh start?

Of what you've listed this is close to what it means for me.

After an A a fresh start just isn't always possible. The A happened, we dealt with it and we've grown. We have to revisit that at times. It is impossible to never talk about it again. Plus I plain don't think that is healthy. You can't put rules in place for what you are "allowed" to communicate about if you really and truly want an intimate M. I prefer the second M wording, but I get the intent behind the question.

ETA: Fixed some spelling errors

[This message edited by numb&dumb at 11:25 AM, July 31st (Tuesday)]

I have actually thought a lot about this lately.

See, in these last couple of months I have felt happy. Not every minute, but just in general sense of well-being. Accepting my life as is, and as a work in progress. And that may seem like a paradox to some.

I was very unhappy in the year leading up to the A, and then for most of the year since the A. And at some point, I just said you know what, I'm done with this "happiness is a destination" thing. I was never like that before, and I didn't like it. For example, when my H and I were first married, he made some bad investments and we had a hard time financially for a couple of years after. Was I unhappy? No. I accepted this was my life and found ways to be happy in it, despite there being a lot of pressure. The A was way worse in after-effects, I would have gone back to being poor again instead if I could have traded.

But, this is my life. This moment. This day. I have learned to feel joy despite circumstances. I exercise regularly to keep my endorphins going, I put my best effort in everday. I take time to enjoy little things - a good meal, reading, a long bath, etc. My H is doing better, and we spend a lot of quality time together, and all the sex also adds to the endorphins. I spend time being thankful and expressing gratitude. I notice small things my H does for me like once over the weekend I dropped my walled while paying for something and he watched that as I came up I didn't hit my head on the counter. Sounds silly, but he was looking out for me and I was paying attention and was thankful for it.

This might seem a little Pollyanna, but if you are where you want to be, you are doing your best, you are taking care of yourself, there is a simplicity to happiness that is within your reach. I accept my circumstances and work within them as I created them. But, I don't walk through life feeling unhappy or unfulfilled. If anything, I am more aware, more awake, and more engaged in my life than I ever was pre-A. Happiness is a decision, it's not something that happens to us after we complete x,y, or z.

[This message edited by hikingout at 1:00 PM, July 31st (Tuesday)]

Happiness is a decision, it's not something that happens to us after we complete x,y, or z.

Forget everything I said. Hikingout explained it much better than I did.

My two cents, happiness is a feeling, not a choice or a decision. No way could I just choose to be happy, think happy, or whatever happy if say my dog died, or my H decides to cheat on me again. Oh well FL, just choose to be happy.. haha okay sure thing ..

See feelings lie to us, even happy ones. They can distort our thinking and they aren't always based in reality. Hmm.. think being happy with the AP.

And feelings often just happen to us! I remember the day my son was born, omg the tears streaming down my face uncontrollably due to pure joy! I couldn't stop them and it came out of nowhere. I mean yeah I was happy for his birth, but that, I truly wasn't expecting. Zero control.

Now, the one thing we all have control over (or a choice) to some degree is our thoughts. We can't prevent a bad thought popping up, but we can redirect it. I can also cultivate happiness with positive thoughts. As well as surrounding myself with people and things that bring positivity in my life which in turn will bring me much happiness.

My values and beliefs have changed so much in two years. And if in my M they are respected and cherished because they have worth to me, what is more positive in a relationship than that? I do believe it would make me quite happy.

[This message edited by foreverlabeled at 1:44 PM, July 31st (Tuesday)]

Foreverlabeled -

Ah but we are talking about two different kinds of happiness.

Happiness to me is an overall outlook on ones life. Just because your dog died doesn't mean you don't have a happy life. On Sunday, I had a rough start to the day that started with tears, but overall the day ended up to be a good one with a lot of rich experiences. I am not talking about being happy in every moment - I am talking about being happy, satisfied, and content with one's life. And, that is always a decision. Even if that decision is "I want to be happy so I will work to heal", or "He cheated again, and it sucks that we're going to get a divorce, but I want to have a happy life and I can't do it this way".

I am talking about choosing to be grateful, choosing to be positive, and choosing to move towards what our souls want and need and aligning that with morals and authenticity.

Noone is going to be happy all the time, and I don't shame those who are still deep in their despair and aren't to the point they can embrace that yet. But, overall, we can choose to lead a happy and fulfilled life. We are saying the same thing.

I wasn't aware there are different kinds of happiness. I assumed happy meant happy.

I guess in short what I was trying to say is happiness is not always an option, but positive thinking always is.

Even if that decision is "I want to be happy so I will work to heal", or "He cheated again, and it sucks that we're going to get a divorce, but I want to have a happy life and I can't do it this way".

and this is exactly what I mean, positive thinking. I can turn a shit situation into something better. Or to go back to the doggo "he had many years of a good happy life" see I can't make myself happy that he died but I can make myself see the good.

Positive thinking is an active choice, the decision to focus on the possibility of good results or seek out the goodness in any situation or person (good or bad). Positive thinking is logical, not emotional like happiness. It's more about using your head than it is about using your heart. It's about taking whatever you experience (and feel) and trying your best to make the most of the situation (even if the situation is terrible).

When I used the scenario of my dog dying I didn't mean to imply that my whole life is shit, just that I literally could NOT choose or decide to be happy in that moment. Because happiness is just that an emotion.

Making a FEELING like happiness a life goal is just setting yourself up for disappointment. You really think you can feel happiness all the time? Happiness comes from fleeting moments we are all lucky to experience from time to time.

You really think you can feel happiness all the time? Happiness comes from fleeting moments we are all lucky to experience from time to time.

No, I didn't say that, in fact I said you aren't going to feel happy every moment.

What I meant was, I wasn't talking about happiness as the fleeting emotion. I was talking about having a happy life. Those are separate and different concepts.

From Wikipedia:

"In psychology, happiness is a mental or emotional state of well-being which can be defined by positive or pleasant emotions ranging from contentment to intense joy. Happy mental states may reflect judgements by a person about their overall well-being."

What I am talking about is the decision to have an overall satisfaction and contentment over ones life. A sense of well-being. I am not talking about temporary emotions, which come and go.

I am sure you might relate here, but if you ask me the overall state of my life for at least a year prior to the A, and for the better part of a year after the A...I would have told you I was unhappy and unsatisfied with my life. I wasn't unhappy every moment of every day but I would have classified myself as un-happy. The relief I feel not to say that any longer does put some euphoria into my days after being so sad for so long. Deciding to not live that way any more was a choice, and that choice did have to involve positive thinking and redirecting thoughts. But, it's not about minute to minute - it's about the overall statement of feeling satisfied and happy with ones life. You are talking about the euphoric emotion that we have in certain moments, and yes that is fleeting. But, to go into every day mindful, present, engaged, and more than anything with full gratitude...Those are the decisions that one makes to have an overall happy life.

[This message edited by hikingout at 2:46 PM, July 31st (Tuesday)]

double post oops!

[This message edited by foreverlabeled at 3:05 PM, July 31st (Tuesday)]

Sorry hiking.. sometimes when I post and say things like "you" its a general term, I wasn't speaking to you directly.

I do get irked though, when people pull out Webster, wiki, Oxford definitions. God my H did that when he was trying to tell me an EA isn't defined by Webster as an affair. hahaha.

But if we are going with the happy mental state definition you like.. okay, you're right.

[This message edited by foreverlabeled at 3:36 PM, July 31st (Tuesday)]

Yes, I don't usually pull out the wiki, but I was trying to find words to express myself, and that fit so I shared them. When the OP posts about "Happiness after infidelity", I think she means the "state of things" not having the temporary emotions of happiness so I think I was just dumbfounded as to how to rephrase my response.

I posted kind of general in response because in the end there is no right or wrong answer in the way the question is stated. (where it says does it mean divorced, reconciled, rugsweeping, etc). In general, having a happy life can be enhanced by a relationship or a marriage, but generally speaking the way to have a happy life is to decide to and to make decisions that are authentic to what that means for you.

Once you decide to be happy and do things that line up with your needs and wants...I think what you want to do with any given relationship becomes more obvious. So, my overall advice was towards happiness as a state of being.

For me I think it's about happiness vs. joy.

Happiness is a transient emotion largely based on external circumstances. It's not sustainable and like all transient emotions it comes and goes. Getting attached to keeping it going at all times is part of what sent me down a bad path.

Joy is anchored in me. It comes from the knowledge that I'm being the real, authentic and imperfect me and that that me is enough. That me is worthy of love and connection. The light of joy is not situation dependent. Circumstances can be difficult or sublime, but joy can sustain me through the former and allow me to be truly grateful for the latter. Joy's light is not external or reflected. It comes from within.

Distinguishing between happiness and joy and how I relate to them is one of the biggest differences in my pre- and post- brain rewiring thought patterns. I kept finding this idea threaded throughout the work of Brené Brown, Pema Chodron and clearly described in The Book of Joy which is a chronicle of a series of conversations on the subject of happiness between The Dalai Lama and Arch Bishop Desmond Tutu. That's worth a read if you haven't already explored it.

Happiness means I made it through the day with peace and compassion. Sometimes I catch myself making plans for the future and I just laugh.

[This message edited by Root at 6:19 PM, July 31st (Tuesday)]

Thanks for all the replies.

I am in the camp that happiness is an over all feeling, a peace about you. I do not think it is a decision. I think you can wake up and decide to see things in a positive light, but that happiness is an emotion, and at this stage a I really can't choose my emotions. I don't think it is possible to be happy and stay happy. I think it must be a feeling that comes and goes.

What prompted this was that I took my son to play with a friend and sat and chatted with both of the friends parents for a good 3 hours. They know nothing about my infidelity. And we were laughing about being 40 and duds. And the husband looked at his wife and he was like, but I'm happy, I love my life and I wouldn't change a thing. The wife was looking at him with a sparkle in her eye.

It hit me like a ton of bricks. It made me sad. It made me wonder if I or my husband would ever say those words. It really has been stuck in my mind for days. I just wonder if happiness after infidelity is even an option.

[This message edited by pinkpggy at 9:05 AM, August 1st (Wednesday)]

Don't get discouraged ((pinkpggy))

I know all too well witnessing moments like you describe with your friends, and then feeling that empty place in my own relationship. Our Ms have suffered a great loss at our hands, we are going to feel it everywhere we look, in good places and bad. It's just seeing the good stuff elsewhere stings a little more, huh?

It made me wonder if I or my husband would ever say those words. It really has been stuck in my mind for days. I just wonder if happiness after infidelity is even an option.

Time, pink. In time it's very possible. I used to hate the word time, in the beginning it felt like it played all kinds of tricks on me. Some strange phenomenon, where I could have sworn the first 6 months, I lived 6 life times. Then it seemed to speed up like crazy, only to slow down again. Now, 2 1/2 years later, I have no idea where all that time went!! But somewhere in all the time that has passed, wounds begin to heal, that work we have to do, it gives you a different perspective, and when you have two working for the same goal, yeah pink, happiness is an option.

Did I mention it takes time?

Just last weekend, my H and I attended a wedding. First one we've been to since our own! As the couple were saying their vows (they wrote their own) I looked over at him, tears swelling in my eyes, and in his? that sparkle you spoke of.

pink there is no quick way about it. I hope time gives back to the both of you that sparkle.

It sort of sounds like you aren't talking about personal happiness, though it's part of it...but about being happily married again.

I think that's always a fair thing to question on both sides after infidelity. I guess every journey is different and the healing comes at different paces. I am several months behind you, and while there is turbulence, I do see glimpses of that couple you are describing. We are beginning to come together more and more. I know you have said several times and even recently that you are still in recovery and not really reconciliation. And, it seems like you have been trying to take stock to figure out if there is more that you can do to get to reconciliation. Something to propel it forward.

It comes down to whether your H can commit to that as well. We can do everything under the sun to try and change the tides of our damage, but at some point the BS has to say "I see you are trying, I want for us to be happy, I am going to put some work in now too".

Happiness can be a decision for you, but it sounds like your first choice is for you and your husband to move forward in healing and that's not happening yet so you don't feel like you have a happy life. But you don't feel like you are in control of when that begins to happen. And, you are right you don't. So, you are at a place that you are waiting for the situation to change and you aren't sure if it will.

It means being happy for myself. Being able to feel like I am worth it without ego kibbles from anyone. Having a better marriage because I was married for the right reasons came from me being a healthier and happier person. I became happy when I addressed FOO issues and learned the coping skills to distance myself from my mother. Being rehabilitated, recovered, and then reconciled. Also, getting out of the immature phase where I wanted to go party and not have responsibilities. I don't get happiness by going out drinking and hanging. I get happiness from family game nights, movie nights, cookouts, and filling the bucket lists with my wife. Making plans for spending my golden years traveling with my wife. That is what the 3 R's looked like in my life and made us happy.

I think the happier and healthier you are the better all relationships will be. Not just marriage.

I guess my issue is the *sparkle* was long gone before the affair. I don't think my husband has ever said he loves his life.

I don't know. I am at the point where I don't know if my marriage will ever be comprised of two happy people.

I'm working on it though, but I know I can't control someone else's happiness.

[This message edited by pinkpggy at 10:48 AM, August 1st (Wednesday)]