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Your getting great advice. Here are two more things to think of. Have her stay home with the kids. See if you can get a few days off from work. Go visit a friend, a family member across the country, a place you like to visit. The thing is for you to figure out what you want. Let your WW deal with the kids.

Before you leave tell her you want a complete time table of her A. Two copies, 1 PG 1 Xxx. As you stated you will not tol6any TT. This will be her time while your gone to compose her sealed list.

If you think you want to offer the gift of R, the list will help you form questions for a lie detector test.

I am sorry you had a reason to find us.

How do you know this guy is single?

Some men are really tortured by the details so much that they can't have intimacy or respect any more with their WW. This is real and you must consider it carefully. She should tell the truth about how many times they met. I knew girls that flirted forever and then spent the night and regretted it big time. It's not impossible and I think it does happen.

However, there is a constant parade of stories here where it was not like that. The A partners really enjoyed being together but the spouse lied about it. Can she trust you enough to tell you the truth? Many won't until forced. That's up to you how aggressive you want to be. It's going to be hard. Your emotions will be unpredictable. She will need to see things from a new perspective. If you don't know exactly what you want to do that's normal. Some people know and some don't.

If she's going to stay, she's got to be completely honest about everything and support you 100%. Keep your eyes open and remember, it's not the words, it's the actions to focus on. Whatever you both decide, this is the place to get the help you need.

I'm truly in belief that the affair is over. I have a phone now that replicates her phone; so I'm able to see every text and phone call as they happen. Nothing is out of the ordinary. She is checking in regularly. I told her that I would, without a doubt, divorce her if she contacted him one more time (and I will). She understood, and we crafted a NC message and sent it.

Unenviabledad

First off I’ve never ever heard of a WS cutting off their AP cold turkey. An official NC letter isn’t good enough. The very best I’ve seen is for the WS to contact them one more time for “closure.”

Sometimes they will not contact them for months until the dust settles. There will be nothing for you to find until they start back up.

If a WS spontaneously offers to turn over all their passwords, ect. it’s a nice gesture but that’s all it is. Many BS take comfort in it but in the real would it doesn’t guarantee anything.

They can get a burner phone. They can give you 99 passwords and the will use the 100th to contact their AP.

The BS will waste their time checking all the massages on all their devices. It makes the BS feel more secure but that’s quite a bit of work. If they know you can check the device then they will never use it for anything bad. They will use a method you can’t check.

The only things you can rely upon are things they don’t know you can check like a voice activated recorder (VAR) under their car seat.

[This message edited by Michigan at 12:51 AM, August 4th (Saturday)]

I am one of those uncommon BS who got the whole truth up front. The only things I have found out since are specific questions I asked about details. So, 1) don’t flip out if she answers one of your questions with new information (unless, I suppose, it contradicts something she already said). You can’t unlearn the details, so it’s reasonable that she’s not just giving you a play by play without being asked. Which brings me to 2) don’t ask something you don’t really want to know the answer to. One of the things I learned from Esther Perel’s book is the difference between detective questions, which mine the sordid details, and investigative questions, which mine the meanings and motives. The first category is very hurtful, so be careful going down that path. You may need it, but you can’t unlearn that information. Investigative questions, on the other hand, are incredibly helpful in either R or moving forward on your own. So ask yourself: do you really want the answer to your question or do you want your partner to know you have the question? Because as much evidence as I have, sometimes I wish all I had was lipstick on a collar. I’m so sorry you’re here.

If anyone leaves the house and kids for a couple days it should be you, not her.

If she goes off alone for a couple days is there a chance for contact with OM for closure or a shoulder to cry on? obvioously she can do that at any time but who knows what she's thinking late at night alone.

Doing that reminds me of when a cop does something wrong and get 3 days off paid leave...

OTOH, there may be some satisfaction telling her to get out for a few days...to get an idea what the future may be...

[This message edited by MickeyBill2016 at 10:40 AM, August 4th (Saturday)]

... alone for a couple days is there a chance for contact with OM for closure or a shoulder to cry on? obvioously she can do that at any time but who knows what she's thinking late at night alone.

It could happen, and does, in the family home just as easily or easier.

He needs to stay in the home with the kids. She should go if for no other reason than he wouldn't appear to abandon the kids and household.

You're right Rubix home or at a hotel or in the car or a pay phone on she corner she can contact her OM, that part is up to her. How "over it" can she be in 3 or 4 days...not much

Somebody going away for a couple days is probably a good idea.

[This message edited by MickeyBill2016 at 12:30 PM, August 4th (Saturday)]

Some try to carry on for the kids but several years later the anger, resentment and mental replay of her behavior/triggers eventually undermines the relationship.

Another option to maintain the family unit for the kids but also to hold her feet to the hard work of R ... is to divorce immediately (but don't tell anyone) but continue to be a family ... and then go to R.

If you're satisfied that's she has changed and is reliable (and you can live with her past behavior) then you can remarry...or not.

I’m sorry you’re here. You’re doing great after 3 days.

Your WW should give you total and complete access to her phone, computer, passwords etc. and she should know and agree to turn them over to you upon request. I would get Dr. Fone or similar and verify that she’s not deleting things to maintain contact. Maybe she has gone NC but, newsflash, cheaters cheat and lie, I wouldn’t trust for a second.

You’re seeing regret not remorse, as others have said. Remorse is down the road, if it happens, right now she’s primarily thinking of herself and how her misconduct is affecting her.

Keep posting and hang in there.

You seem like you have your head screwed on pretty well after 3 days which is good. Unfortunately it's still very early in the process for you.

I agree with others. You most likely don't have the full story. Probably not even close. You can't even be sure if this is the first time she's cheated on you.

At the end of the day it's your marriage but I think you should distance yourself to get some perspective. Your emotions are eventually going to be all over the place if they aren't already.

It's WAAAYY too early for you to decide whether you want to stay in the marriage or not. I don't think a hotel for your wife is necessary, but maybe seperate bedrooms or someone sleeps on the couch makes more sense. The hotel isn't a horrible idea but all you do is blow some money for a few days and you guys are back in the same situation. At the very least I recommend not having sex with her for the time being.

I also agree with others who have said your wife is most likely regretful, not remorseful. And there is a difference. Right now she's in Cover Your Ass mode. Which does not mean she's a safe spouse to reconcile with, at least not at this time.

And as someone else said, I'm sure you think you know everything but cheaters lie, lie, lie, and then lie some more. That's when they're not just covering things up. Just because you have access to her phone doesn't mean she can't get a cheap burner with a cheap plan you don't know anything about for example.

You need to stay vigilant, because this early after D-day your wife and the AP have a much higher chance of reaching out to each other or meeting. Cheaters rarely just flip a switch for their AP and the feelings just turn off. Don't take her at her word, observe her actions, and don't commit to anything this early (at least not to her).

And ya DNA test the kids and make sure she knows about it. You should be talking to an attorney too to see what your options look like.

[This message edited by JS84 at 5:10 AM, August 5th (Sunday)]

In response to your question, I would say that you don't. If you are anything like most of us who experienced what you have, your emotions are all over the place. You need some time and some space. Allow yourself time to think and, if necessary, to grieve. Your M as you knew it is over. I'm not saying you have to D, but if you continue, the M will never be the same.

I agree with the others that your WW is not being completely honest with you. I would suggest you call her on her BS, and tell her she has one chance to tell you the whole truth, and if she lies, you are done. If she believes you are serious, hopefully she will come clean.

You've received a lot of advice from people that walked the same path as yours. Much of it may seem offensive or overly critical or judgemental of your wife....it's not meant to hurt you it's just that cheaters have similar explanations and behaviors. Your wife is not the exception.

Just a heads up: Your statement that you don't want to know the details (which may really be your long term response) also sounds like a man in denial or attempting to minimize - all of which makes you more vulnerable to further deceit. In view of what you learned about your wife, your eyes should be wide open and questioning.

I’m so sorry you’ve found yourself here. This kind of betrayal is soul destroying. You’re at the start of a rollercoaster, but you’re not on this journey alone. On here you’ll find all kinds of advice. Some will work, some won’t apply, and some won’t make sense for a long time. Take what you need and leave the rest.

At 3 days out I was a gibbering wreck, so kudos to you for finding this place and starting out on this journey so well. I held everything together with manic desperation whilst I tried to figure out what the hell had just destroyed my life. It destroys your very self, your concept of your world, and the idea of who your partner is. It’s going to take time to rebuild yourself and decide what you want to do. There is no rush! Your mind might change 100’s of times a day. That said, get all your options together for D or R.

Unfortunately I wouldn’t be sure that you’ve got all the truth. It took my fWH over a week to tell me everything, and it was excruciating. I left it a few months before I asked for sexual details, as initially I didn’t want to think about it. The truth when it came was sad and sordid. These are things you now have to accept as part of your life whether you R or D.

My fWH did go NC straight away, and I know from the AP that he actually did this.

Every situation is different. You know yours best. Take care of yourself and your lovely children. You’re going to make it through this xxx

Right now you're seeing regret,not remorse. Her life is about to explode. You were never supposed to find out. The main thing that tells me it is regret, is she hasn't come clean with you yet. The whole, "It was only one time. I ended it early. It was horrible. I cried so much afterwards", is something that 99% of WWs say.

So true. This is a Wayward's "damage control" scenario.

Why?

Because she didn't want to NOT be M to you - she does not want D; she wanted to have the secure home life with some fun on the side. She enjoyed the ego kibbles, the no responsibility - I often call this place Rainbowskittlefartland. You just closed the amusement park and she's scrambling because she doesn't want to lose the home comforts.

I'm not saying she does not love you, but there is something very broken in her that you cannot fix. That's why we tend to recommend IC for the BS and WS, and MC later.

As some posters pointed out, it was an intense EA, yet she felt guilty for the one-time sex? Maybe, but it is, IMHO, difficult to believe. Again, I think she fears losing the M by disclosing everything as she knows you and what will hurt you. She needs to know that she has to be willing to lose the M to maybe save it. This goes for waywards and the betrayed.

In the interim, you're doing a great deal to move forward one way or the other. Take your time. Take care of yourself. You know the old adage about all work and no play. Find balance. I know you're in pain and want to act swiftly, but you have to take some respite and recharge those batteries so you can think and act with clarity as you are now.

Sending strength....

Three months ago, my wife made a friend. About a month later I started to get a bad feeling;

I don't know if this was explained. How do married women become friends with single guys?

Where? How? Did they meet? At work, Starbucks, Target, Gym, Bible study?

I'm curious about this as well. How did they meet? My ex used social media and Ashley Madison and who knows what else. Her regret wasn't that she had the affair(s), it was that her last one was with a single guy, as opposed to the married ones prior.

[This message edited by Kintsugi at 10:12 AM, August 15th (Wednesday)]