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Today is our son's 20th birthday and of course, his father didn't try to contact him to even wish him a happy birthday. I feel upset for my son.

My parents were D, and I had a love/hate relationship with my father because of it, and I was crushed if he didn't contact me or wish me a happy birthday, although I hid it.

I used to remind stbxWH about the kids' birthdays or graduations for the kids' sake, but I stopped when he told me not to tell him what to do and he was responsible for his kids' relationship with him and they would love him because he was their father and I shouldn't get involved.

So be it.

But I'm so angry and upset for my sweet, caring, sensitive, loving son.

Thank God, DS started therapy a month ago ( he wanted to) and the difference is phenomenal!!

But, still, even when they are growing up, they are still your babies and I'm so upset and angry for him. I know he didn't say anything, but I'm sure deep down it hurts him that his own father didn't contact him.

Bastard.

Thank you for letting me vent.

Damn. That is just wrong of your STBXH. But I am glad your DS has you. Happy 🎂 birthday to him!!

Thank you BearlyBreathing! This son is just so sweet and caring and has the most wonderful biggest heart in the world ( my youngest of 4 sons). He is so empathetic and caring about other people.

After starting therapy, he is talking more and more and admitted to me that he was suicidal after he found out that his father had secretly married another woman overseas and had 3 OC's with her. He is talking a lot now and God bless his IC!!!!

It doesn't matter how old they get, they are still your babies, if you know what I mean, even if they are grown. He's an "old soul", but yet so innocent.

Not your monkey, not your circus.

^^^^^know it, learnit , live it

Your (adult!) Son's relationship with his father is not your concern. It is your Ex-husbands.

If he chooses not to have a (good) relationship with your son, that's on him. Don't waste your time and emotion on this.

I know how you feel. One of the few times my ex remembered that he had a kid, he actually sent her a happy belated birthday card for the wrong year! Not only did he space off her birthday, he couldn't even keep track of how old she was.

I totally second what WornDown said, though. It's not your responsibility to maintain or facilitate their relationship as your son is now an adult.

That is hard to let go of, not because we care about the ex, but because of how it affects our kids. Every time my ex hurt my daughter like that, I wanted to 'discuss' it with him, unpleasantly, with a baseball bat.

I feel for you, I'm angry as hell for your son, too. Some people just plain suck.

It is hard to step aside and let young adult children navigate their own relationship with the wayward parent, but that is exactly what you have to do. And whatever that relationship becomes is out of your hands. Just keep being a stable, loving, and supporting mom. That does make a difference.

My youngest DD (almost 22) decided she doesn't want her father in her life. I hated to see that happen, but it was/is her choice. She made the determination that her father is toxic to her and she didn't want that in her life any more. When he refused to apologize to her for blowing up the family, that was the final nail in their relationship coffin. Last year he called her on her 21st birthday. She answered the call just long enough to hear, "Happy..." before she hung up on him. After that she blocked him completely. I'm sorry it came to that, but I respect her decision and her reasons.

I'm glad your DS us benefiting from therapy. That will hopefully help him process his father's behavior.

I'm sorry he's being such a dick, and vent here all you want!

Always your babies... totally understandable that you feel so protective over the pain your boy has suffered and the sadness his father's actions can still cause. So glad to see he's in IC, it took me a lot longer to realise that I needed IC to unpick the damage that a non attentive father had done to me (I love my dad warts and all, I just understand his weaknesses now). I think as adults we all have to reevaluate our relationships with our parents to some degree, it's a process. Carry on being the solid, reliable, loving mummy you are and put your arms around that biggest boy of yours, you'll see him through. He sounds wonderful!

[This message edited by Dragonfly123 at 12:54 AM, August 9th (Thursday)]

Yeah, he is an adult and all that, but......

WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!! A (so-called) man can't even be bothered to wish HIS OWN SON HAPPY BIRTHDAY???? FUCKER!!!

Well I'll do it. Happy Birthday DS, you deserve so much more from a father than this pos. But know that there are people in the world who love you and are worthy of your love.

((((honest & DS))))

DS turned 24 this week. His younger brother works for my ex - their father. xwh told ds22 to tell ds24 "dad says happy birthday, junior". wtf? That's all ya got, dude?? You can't make that phone that's glued to your hand dial your son's number … at the least? And I find out later that xwh cancelled his son's 'birthday dinner out' for non-reasons....to hear later that xwh tried to get ds22 girlfriend (seriously) to go out to dinner that night instead. ( she said buzz off).

Oh, man, smh and so much more....but remember, we are divorced from these people for really really good reasons in the first place.

The kids will be alright

Side note- do not tell your xh your son has a counselor.

My xh ramped up the crazy to try manipulate both sons to not tell the counselor the truth-to keep his image of himself intact.

The next IC the kids got - we didn’t tell their Dad and she really helped a lot!

It doesn't matter how old they get, they are still your babies, if you know what I mean, even if they are grown.

I get it. My son is 21 and in the Navy now, but he will ALWAYS be my baby....and I always hurt when he hurts. I honestly do not know how some parents don't.

Any male with a dick can spawn a child. But it takes an actual man to be a father. Your STBXH is not a man. Perhaps a teaching moment for your son.

I think its good for him not have any contact with

fuckboybuckethead

he doesn't need trash in his life

Thank you for your replies! DS blocked his father on his phone months ago, and of course according to stbx, it was my fault and my doing. Stbx texted me the other day with questions about his business and something he may have left in the house to which I just responded "ok". If stbx can contact me like that, he could still text me about the birthday.

I am not getting involved in their relationship, although when all my DS's were younger, I did remind them it was Father's Day or their father's birthday because I felt I wanted to teach them the right thing to do, but I don't do anything now.

It's just gets me mad for my son, and wanted to vent here where I know people get it.

The only good thing for me is that it solidifies my decision for going ahead in the D. What a bastard!!

I'm sorry for your son. Your STBX deserves not a peep for his B-day! I do want to wish your son a very Happy and Blessed Birthday.

What a complete douchebag. I hope I don’t trigger someone but man that burns my butt more then any affair. Douchebag. He’s not worthy of your sons love. And he’ll probably be that angry entitled asshole if your DS doesn’t call him bright and early in his birthday. Man this just elevated my blood pressure. 😤

Your son won't forget it, ever.

Shit head is defining his relationship with his son and son is hearing it loud and clear.

I have three adult children who do not have a relationship with their father. Fathers loss.

Thank you for your birthday wishes and support.

stbxWH does have that feeling of entitlement just because he is the father, therefore he should get respect on that alone. DS did block his father on his phone many months ago, but this was after his farther wouldn't contact him for months and then send a rare text asking some random questions about what we were doing or where I was if I didn't answer texts. No texting simply saying, "Hi, how are you doing?" Of course, stbxWH says the kids should be texting him but not realizing or admitting to why they aren't. And of course it's all my fault according to WH, that I turned the kids against him, which I most certainly did not.

Thank you all so much for listening. I know one is "supposed" to let these things go and heal. I have so much problem with the process of how one is supposed to heal. These damaging things come up, hurt like hell, we aren't supposed to ignore them , not dwell on them either. I would love to get to a place of acceptance, but then something comes up and brings out the old pain. This is an example of how it's worse because it affects the kids.