SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My husband was having an affair with a co-worker. I found out and he ended it, when she initiated contact it started up again for a further 2 months till I found out again. Now there is a business trip coming up in September in another country where they both will be attending and it's 4 nights away. How am I supposed to manage? It is part of my husband's job to attend the conference, I suspect he got her on the attendee list originally so they could spend time together there.

Go with him.

He needs to get a new job, now.

I can't go with him, I work full time and am not allowed time off in term time. Plus have two young children at school who need to attend. There isn't a chance I can go as well.

Tell him he cant go. If he does youll file divorce.

Ive been on jobs that I had to travel. If I asked not to go due to family issues I got out of it.

He needs to quit and get a new job

My wh had to walk away from our family business he had spent years building because OW was involved in it and wouldnt let go. We literally had nothing. And that was 4 years ago and we have built a business together which is doing better than the 1st one. Wh walked away of his own accord. I could not have handled it if it was any different. Im sorry but I wouldnt allow any of what your H is doing. Give the ultimatum or file in my opinion.

Wishing you strength

Why are you worried? They are still fucking each other. They just are better at hiding it.

What consequences have you given your husband?

I honestly don't think this is worth saving based on the little information you gave.

File for divorce.

Is there anyone else that is traveling to the conference that you trust to prevent NC?

Can you hire a PI?

How about using face time to check on where he is and with whom?

If he got her on the list he can get her off the list, if they both go there will be trouble.

There are 8 in total going. 1 other knows but I don't know if I could trust him to be their minder so to speak.

He says he wasn't part of her getting on the list of attendees but it is published now for people to know who they can consult with from the company so it's too late to change the attendees now.

He has offered to face time through the visit and overnight so I know he's sleeping alone but I am not good with stress and be coming ill. I'm concerned I will just get badly run down and then have two children and a full time job to manage at home

Peach

Your man is no longer trustworthy.

If it were me I would have insisted on a new job after the first time. The second time staying at the company would have been a deal breaker for me. Leave the company or I file for D.

At the very least he should have seen this coming. A truly remorseful spouse would have know this was a chance and alerted the boss he may not be able to go.

Waywards that are still wayward have a closetful of excuses as to why they have to be in the same place as the AP.

If he wanted to save your marriage, truly wanted to save it, he would have found a way to make you feel safe. After the second time how do you know theyre not sneaking away at coffee breaks or lunch together? This trip is that on steroids.

There is absolutely no way for him to make you feel safe on this trip.

So if it were me, I’d say “you obviously have no understanding of the pain you caused me or a desire to make me feel safe in this marriage, let alone loved. Go do what you want, I no longer care since you no longer care. I will be working to find my way out of your infidelity and this marriage. If I can’t have your love and devotion, I’ll just take your money”

Honestly what steps has he actually taken toward R. Is he doing any work? A truly remorseful spouse will do ALL the work.

Don’t settle for a fraction of the spouse you deserve. Take control. You can’t control what he does, so control what you do. In the end you’ll find your self respect again and eventually happiness again.

I wish you luck.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 7:57 PM, August 23rd (Thursday)]

Thank you Stevesn for your comprehensive reply. I will need to process the fact that what I want to happen and what is happening are two different things.

Hi Pinky,

I am sorry you are in this shitty situation.

I have been living a similar nightmare of my WH working with his AP. I caught them over two years ago— he promised me it was over and gave me excuse after excuse as to why they still worked together (big deals coming in, she couldn’t find another job, — I heard it ALL) Then, a few months ago I discovered emails between the two of them ... they never ended the affair, they had just found different ways to sneak around.

I gurarentee your WH will find a way to sneak off on this trip and be with his AP.

If you report them to HR, then your WH could lose his job.

But simply keeping your fingers crossed that they stay away from each other seems like a pretty shitty option too.

Your WH is totally disrespecting you by working with her. He needs to be actively looking for another job or to be transferred to another location immediately.

I use to put PI’s put on my WH when he traveled, I would call his hotel room directly really late to make sure he was there ... sometimes I would make him FaceTime me so I could make sure he was alone.

It made me bat-shit crazy.

You are not your husband’s babysitter.

Don’t be me.

Set your boundaries and figure out if his work situation is acceptable to you, and then decide from there what you want to do.

You can’t monitor your WH every minute of the day, nor should you have to. (That’s why I’m divorcing mine!)

Call the human resources department and tell them what happened. The fact they work together might make it sticky situation with human resources, but blowing it up could be the best thing you could do to make sure it’s done.

Call the human resources department and tell them what happened. The fact they work together might make it sticky situation with human resources, but blowing it up could be the best thing you could do to make sure it’s done.

Affairs thrive in secrecy. Exposure is one of the best things you can do to help end an affair.

Also a thought on calling human resources, if you are worried that your husband‘s job could be in jeopardy, just remember these things… You could always anonymously report that the other woman is involved in an affair with someone that she supposed to travel with and she shouldn’t go. Purely put it on her! From there, she could turn on your husband trying to defend herself, but at least you didn’t list his name. Let them take each other out, so to speak. Next, Even if it does put his job in jeopardy, he did it to himself! That is simply a consequence of his actions, so do not let that scare you. He could probably get another job even if it takes less money, but your sanity is worth more than his job at the present moment.

[This message edited by deena04 at 11:11 PM, August 23rd (Thursday)]

I like the blow it up idea, too. But also, it is total baloney that someone cant be removed from the list. People get sick, people have deaths in the family... stuff happens and people cancel from trips ALL THE TIME. Even really “important” meetings.

He can get out of going if he wants to.

If the above idea to blow it up and call human resources does not work, can you have an emergency right before he leaves so that he has to stay? Again, his job is nothing right now. Emergency could even be something like “if you go on this trip, your shit will be in the grass when you return”. Make it very clear that if he chooses to go, he chooses to be single and homeless since you will have his crap outside and the locks changed! You can do this. The only way to stop it is to play hardball. From there, if he still goes, then you know he wants out anyhow.

[This message edited by deena04 at 11:17 PM, August 23rd (Thursday)]

Just tell him to figure it out and get it done. Tell him you don’t care how he does it but it absolutely must be done. If he can’t manage it then you should file for divorce. If he really wanted this then he would make it happen.

I know the the distress the thought of travel can bring on after the ground falls out from under you. I too could not drop work and shift the kids to travel with him and the thought of it was just too much at the time.

HE needs to make the adjustments and the cost has to fall on HIM until you are healed enough to manage.

"My wife is not well right now. It is serious.

I will not be able to travel at this time."

Period. That is all that is needed.

He will have to find other ways to connect with colleagues/clients that will not further harm you and his family. He CAN do that. It may be difficult for him to say and it may not meet the expectations of him at work but that is a consequence of his choices.

Things have to shift so that you are protected. If you were in hospital or physically unwell, he would cancel. This is no less. Please do not bend on what you need right now. You have already been hurt too much. Ask for what you need even if it's hard for him.

Tell him he needs to rise to protect your healing, or you will move to somewhere safe.

((Pinkypeach))

[This message edited by LetItRain at 7:10 AM, August 24th (Friday)]