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Jess, ignore the transparency. He did that last time too and it was just as hollow. The issue here is that he knows he just needs to play good and jump through a few hoops before he can get a new OW. He's extremely entitled to believe he deserves AN0THER chance to ruin this marriage for a third time.

You can file and call it off if he moves heaven and earth for you but this time, you must show him that you mean business. You must send a clear message that IF you take him back, there will be no third chance. Any whiff of inappropriate behavior will mean a divorce. Make him earn it this time. Come up with a list of non-negotiables that he must complete before you stop the divorce from going through.

I wold suggest you file for D, he saw the pain he caused you the 1st time (that you know of), yet he chose to do it again, however if you are considering giving him a 3rd chance, you need to know what you're forgiving in order to avoid TT and heal.

Confront the OW, is your WH part of the reason she's now divorced ? sometimes cheaters confide other As with their current AP, we've seen it here, plus you need to know the length and depth of this A, did they talk about your H leaving you for her ?, once you have all info, EXPOSE the A to all family and friends.

Jess, he haven't learned his lesson, but I truly hope that you have learned yours.

Jess,

I am truly sorry you find yourself here again, the awfulness is beyond me.

I know you want to keep your family together, but at what cost to you?

I fear that your WH has shown you who he is. Yes, perhaps he is doing all he "should" be doing, but he did last time as well with an undesirable outcome. For me the bottom line is he watched you suffer through the hell of healing from his first A, despite which he willingly and knowingly put you in that same place again? I have no words (and this from someone whose WH had 4 As, but one dday).

Your WH has shown you who he is based on what he did with your gift. He is still incredibly selfish and puts his needs first, despite knowing the costs, as he bore witness to it five years ago when he had a front seat to the pain he caused you. Please take time to reflect on your needs and set them as a priority.

We all have our lines in the sand, only you know yours. Admittedly, my belief is the gift of R should only be given one time, to a remorseful spouse wiling to do the work if that's what the BS wants to offer. If the WS messes that up? I would be done, no second chances, as painful as that would be. You deserve so much more.

Again, I am very sorry and wish you healing.

[This message edited by hopeandhealing at 12:25 AM, September 4th (Tuesday)]

I'm glad you are planning to check out some attorneys. When you talk to them you might ask if they can draw up an enforceable post-nuptial agreement with a severe penalty if cheats again. That might allow you to sleep better should you decide to give him a third chance. This would give him knowledge that if he screws yet another woman he really may be screwing himself at the same time.

I'm going through the same thing you're going through right now. My wife cheated three years into our marriage before we had any kids. 12 years later, after 4 kids, I discovered a second affair. Dday #2 was just three months ago. So I'm in your position right now trying to decide whether to stay or go. (I actually posted about it a couple weeks ago on the Just Found Out forum: "Second Affair...Help.") Feel free to read it.

A lot of the advice I got was similar to yours. "Leave her." "Get out." etc. etc. etc. Really easy for people to say when they're not in your position. In all fairness, many of them have been in very similar positions, but not your exact position. People make a lot of assumptions about your husband and about his character. Many of the assumptions are fair, and some may not be accurate.

I don't know what I'm going to do. My wife is totally remorseful, takes accountability, wants to work it out, hates herself, is in counseling. Her family has turned on her. My parents hate her. We're both going through hell. I don't know if she can or will change. It very well may not be worth me taking the risk. But we have 4 kids ages 3-11, so its not as cut and dry as many of the commenters make it sound. And don't go around and besmirch his name to all friends, family, and community like some people suggest. That doesn't do anyone any good. Anyway, feel free to message me or respond to this post. Perhaps we can share some ideas or at least relate to what we're both going through. Really sorry. I know your pain...trust me.

Old timer here.

How about stop worrying about him, and focus on yourself.

If this was a friend or sibling in your situation what would you recommend.

He clearly didn't do the work or care to dig deep and fix his shit the first time around. Please stop opening yourself for this abuse, and pain.

Go see a lawyer, and file. F' him. Seriously.

Time to make you and your kids priority number one.

A man that is capable of loving his spouse doesn't do this twice.

Get yourself to your Dr for STD testing.

Get yourself to a lawyer for filing.

Get yourself to IC for figuring out why you would be willing to tolerate this shit one more moment.

You deserve so much more out of life. All you have to do is figure out that this is true, and then demand it of all you love and come in contact with. It is truly a lot easier than it sounds.

Of course you still love him.

One of the cruel ironies of infidelity = we don't stop loving our spouse just b/c they betrayed us in the worst way possible.

It takes time to fall out of love but Jess...you cannot trust your feelings at this point.

You don't have to kick him to the curb this instant but protect yourself. Focus on you - put distance between you. You are emotionally traumatized at the moment and need to find your footing again. Give yourself grace - you DO NOT need to make a decision right now. That was the one thing that helped me find some peace in my upside down world at the beginning...you don't have to decide right now.

((hugs)) from one mama to another - we never want this for our kiddos but remember we didn't choose it.

I am so sorry for what you are going through. I have been in your shoes and I understand your pain all too well.

I have been struggling with how to respond to your post. I could say so much about your husband, but after praying about this I think I want to focus on you instead of him, but first I will share a bit of my story.

My husband was a serial cheater and we were married for 15 years with two sons. We eventually divorced. Our marriage was very traumatic...all 15 years of it, and my wounds run deep...so much more than I ever realized. I tried to be strong throughout the marriage for our sons, and I did the best I could to raise them well while living in a toxic environment. They are good boys (14 and 11 now) and I am blessed beyond measure. But, that marriage took a toll on my heart and soul and I was a very defeated and broken woman. I imagine you may be as well. I would encourage you to take this time to focus on yourself and your own healing.

I recently discovered this little gem of a resource for people like you and me. It's called https://beyondaffairs.com/affair-recovery/. There's a plethora of information here that is so beneficial to your healing process. I truly believe you will find something here that can help you. If you're not already, I encourage you to seek individual counseling to help you process the trauma and grief you are feeling. Take care of yourself right now physically as well...even if you have to force yourself to eat healthy and exercise (even if just a slow walk). Spoil yourself every once in a while, too...food is comfort to the soul (but in moderation). Surround yourself with people who will build you up and not tear you down. Look for a support group...or start one of your own...there are A LOT of us out there. Be the best mom you can be but recognize when you need to take a break and take it. Go back and love on your kids. I think by focusing on your own healing in time you will know what to do about your marriage. This may require a trial separation. Be prepared for that.

I truly hope and pray you find peace and healing no matter the outcome of your marriage. And I pray your husband will seek the help he needs and change his life. Hugs to you my friend!!!

This is terrible this guy is a real jerk and for her she is a piece of turd.. I knew the OW also she worked at the arena were my husband played hockey and was always so nice toYou me and my daughter but for that simple reason I have made it very clear to my husband that my daughter will never be in her presence.And im sure that is pissing her off..I would not give him a second chance you will be miserable always being suspicious of him...you deserve so much better he is selfish and only thinks about himself.