SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

[This message edited by Whyamisoawful at 1:38 PM, September 6th (Thursday)]

Hey whyamisoawful. Try to breathe and stay calm. Maybe try some meditation before he calls. When my dday happened, my BH wanted to leave the next day. I panicked. I had no idea what to do, but I couldn't stop crying. I started reading books on infidelity, most especially How to help your spouse heal and Surviving Infidelity, third edition. I read a bunch of articles online, and talked to my sister (who is a BS). I sat my BH down and outlined everything I had done to hurt and betray him, everything I had read, and everything I was planning to do to prove to him that I wanted our M more than anything else. He agreed to give me 6 months before making a decision, and then I followed through on everything I said I was planning. And added a few things that I learned here.

Now, I'm not saying this so you can hide your head in the sand. An A is always a dealbreaker, and your H may very well have his mind made up. But do the work anyway. Show him, and more importantly yourself that you can become an authentic person of integrity. I wish you luck and calmness through your conversation and this journey.

Whyamisoawful, I agree that this ordeal is in infancy timeframe. Your husband is understandably shattered. You need to do your best to convince him that you want to R and to work this out. Ask him for some time.

If he is adamant he wants to divorce, remember this is how he feels now. He may waiver in a few months. Continue to be there for him and show him you care and are remorseful.

Ultimately it's his call. But I think you can gently work with him and in the end get him to agree to R.

BW here...

I just wanted to say that a lot of BSes state they want a divorce. Then they state they want R. Then D. Then R. Unfortunately, it's part of the emotional rollercoaster and is completely normal, especially in the early days.

And your BH didn't say he wanted one, just that he was "thinking" about it. So that's a good sign.

I told my WH I wanted a divorce multiple times. And at that moment, I really did. There are some days, even at eleven months out, that I still do. Again, completely normal.

My WH's responses have always been, "If divorce is what you need to heal, I understand. I deserve it."

And it has been his calm supportive responses that have kept me from running to the lawyer's office.

So when you speak to your BH, remember his emotions are fluctuating wildly. If you start getting upset, he'll spin right down the rabbit hole.

Practice what you'll say. Write it down if you need to. Having a prepared response will help you stay calm during the discussion. Let him know that D is not what you want, but that you understand that you broke the M, and that you're more concerned with his healing than you are with your wants/needs.

Best of luck to you.

[This message edited by Whyamisoawful at 1:38 PM, September 6th (Thursday)]

Whatever you do, don't give up. DesertLily has given you some excellent advice:

"If divorce is what you need to heal, I understand. I deserve it." ... it has been his calm supportive responses that have kept me from running to the lawyer's office.

You need to be as calm and supportive as possible. You need to make the point that your BH has every right to feel the way that he does, and that it is because of your actions. That you will support his decision, whatever it is. You also, IMO, need to let him know that your desire is to reconcile the marriage and that you will be working towards that goal. And then show him, and continue to show him through your actions, that you are working hard to be a safe partner for him. This is going to be extremely tough given that he is away for a month, but you can read, study, come up with ways to be accountable brainstorm on what you CAN do!

I know that my emotions were all over the map. I would threaten divorce sometimes just because I was in so much pain that this was the only way that I could see it stopping, without a funeral. The best thing that my FWH did during those times was to acknowledge my pain, take full responsibility for being the cause of that pain, let me know that he would support me in my decision, and also let me know that his goal was to stay married to me.

You can beg, plead, make a rational argument for why he should give you three months to let the idea that you cheated on him sink in and give you time make some amends. But I caution you, to tell him that you know, but he doesn't, that he is supposed to give you the three months is asking for trouble.

If my Ex had told me what I was supposed to do a month in she wouldn't have had one more minute let alone three months.

You seem to be doing all of the right things. The suggestion to talk and not text is a good one. Just remember that sometimes this is just a dealbreaker no matter how much you wish it wasn't. Not telling you to give up by any means, just don't try to push him too hard.

I just want to be clear about your story...you've told you BS that "something happened" at a party while he was away, but he doesn't have the full truth about how far things went.

He now doesn't want to speak to you regularly and will not know the truth until October when he returns.

You are going to ask him for 3 months to prove you deserve a second chance before he knows the details which you will offer him once he is home.

You may have told him more since...I just wanted to understand a bit better.

Whyamisoawful-

You have already received a lot of good advice. I will add just a bit more.

All of this gently, IMHO-You mentioned how what your BH said about D is so hurtful to you. Of course it is and if you are a WW who wants to reconcile you will have to deal with that hurt on your own or here or with a supportive friend, counselor, etc. Do not expect him to apologize for that or help support you right now. Now is the time for focusing on what you can control and using your actions to prove your words-FOR YEARS.

You are in a place that is immeasurably painful right now-if you are remorseful. You need support and healthy self care to get through it- there are no shortcuts. Please realize that now you need to support your BH healing while you heal yourself. At this point do not expect support from him in return.

Start reading, start changing- there is no avoiding that one. Realize that when you do make the necessary changes, your BH will need to see those new actions for years usually before trust is rebuilt. It took nearly 3.5 years after d-day for my H and I to reconcile. Much of the first six months was me often living minute to minute. Change is hard. Making different choices takes time, energy and thoughtfulness. I would use the next month before he gets home to work on you. It seems a lot of waywards have issues with lying even beyond the affair lies. No more lying period is a great one to work on while he is away.

As for how to stay calm on the phone, I would mostly listen and reflect back what he is saying. He really probably needs to be heard and also get questions answered. Now is the time to get upset by screaming in a pillow or whatever else you can do now to prevent reacting in such a way with him that makes it about you.

Finally, as many others on here told me- you matter, your life matters, you can do this- so many of us have. The goal is really for both of you to heal without creating more damage to the relationship. You both need to heal whether the relationship continues or not.

Sending strength and healing.

[This message edited by Whyamisoawful at 1:39 PM, September 6th (Thursday)]

BS here.

I know he’s not supposed to make any decisions before three months. I know that but he doesn’t.

First of all, there isn't anything he's "supposed" to do, so don't kid yourself that he's breaking some rule if he makes a decision on his own time.

Secondly, think about what you said about you knowing something that he doesn't. Clearly, there are a LOT of things that you know and he doesn't... and that's part the mindfuck amazingly intense pain of infidelity that you luckily do not understand. It’s pretty much the ONE thing he knows that you don’t.

The ball is in his court now, and you put it there. You want to feel calm? TRY to imagine how he feels.

[This message edited by GiveTimeTime at 10:12 AM, September 4th (Tuesday)]

[This message edited by Whyamisoawful at 1:39 PM, September 6th (Thursday)]

Whyamisoawful

I’m beyond repair and that’s okay I’m allowed to feel all my pain and guilt and remorse right out here in the open because I am also a person. I am a person that made a poor decision that will forever be a life lesson.

No, you are NOT beyond repair! None of us ever are. There is a LOT of work yet to do, though ..... painful, uncomfortable work. You have to figure out why you did what you did. No excuses, no passing the blame to someone else, including your BS, for your own bad choices. Once you OWN this, hopefully you are remorseful. You have to tell your BS everything. Be totally open and honest and answer every question he asks, no matter how painful.

Then, be prepared for the roller coaster. I am a WW and am going through this now with my BH. One of the most important things I learned here is that he wants, no NEEDS, me to understand and validate his pain. I can't brush it off or get angry about how much I am hurting. He's not interested. He needs to know that I understand the pain I put him through. On the couple of occasions that I lost my temper in frustration ..... well, let's just say that didn't turn out well. It was definitely a time of going backwards.

So, take this time to collect your thoughts. Dig deeply into your actions and reasons for your choices and be prepared to tell the 100% truth about what you did. You made a horrible mistake but it doesn't need to define you as a person.

Just to let you know, too, I think it seems perfectly normal for the BS to be so hurting that they think of divorce and express it as a way out of this pain they are in. It isn't, necessarily, of course but we all tend to want to run away from pain ...... And, if he's like my BH, he will say that one minute and the next minute, he will declare his love for me. There is your roller coaster. Who knows where it will end ...... but, there is ALWAYS hope. Read lots here. Ask for help when you need to. We've all been there or are still there.

I do a lot of praying. It works for me. Still trying to heal myself. It's a BIG job but I know I am worth it. You are, too!

Just to let you know, too, I think it seems perfectly normal for the BS to be so hurting that they think of divorce and express it as a way out of this pain they are in. It isn't, necessarily, of course but we all tend to want to run away from pain ...... And, if he's like my BH, he will say that one minute and the next minute, he will declare his love for me. There is your roller coaster. Who knows where it will end ...... but, there is ALWAYS hope. Read lots here. Ask for help when you need to. We've all been there or are still there.

This is true. First, stop trying to control the outcome or your BS thoughts and actions. If he wants a divorce, then there is not much you can do to stop it. He may tell you 50x he wants a divorce and not follow through, or he may follow through on the 50th time. My husband has brought up and said he wants a divorce probably 20x in the past 18 months. I used to get really worked up over it. Now I realize this is his way to get anger out and say what feels like is just the easiest answer in the moment, and what would hurt the most. Now when he says it, I just say OK. If my husband wants a divorce, that is his decision, but I know at this point I have done everything I can to reconcile.

Don't worry about what has to happen, what you think is the correct timeline or behavior. Realize you cannot control him or his actions so begin to work on yourself so that when he returns you can show him you have become a safer partner. Read, get counseling, talk to people, take strides to clear your head and your thoughts. Maintain your composure when talking to him and don't make demands, escalate arguments or play the woe is me card "I'm broken beyond repair." Its a long road but healing is possible.

Stay calm! It’s so early right now and he will probably go back and forth (and you may too) for awhile. He doesn’t even know the whole story yet.

Lots of great advice so far. When you talk to him just let him know that you want to tell him everything in-person after he gets home (as he wished) and you ask that no decisions be made until he has had a chance to hear the whole story and what you are going to do in the future. Keep doing the work now to reconcile the marriage and make sure he knows all the ways you’re going to make it up to him and how you plan to stay faithful.

I wish you luck!!!!

[This message edited by Whyamisoawful at 1:39 PM, September 6th (Thursday)]

He is not stonewalling you. He is hurting and upset and conflicted and his way to try to inflict pain on you and get a handle on the situation is to not respond. That is his choice. Accept it. When he is ready to talk, be there to talk, but let him talk.

When I had my d-day my husband left and didn't come home for like 12 hours. This happened multiple times where I would wake up and he would be gone, he would not respond to any texts, calls emails. When he was home it was like WW3.

Use the distance to your advantage. It can be a cooling off period where you can each get your thoughts straight. Try writing or journaling your thoughts so when he does call you can remain calm and not go into hysterics.

I promise you it is not the end of the world, I know it feels like it. 18 months ago I fell on the ground and grabbed my husbands leg and tried to get him to not leave as he was dragging me on the floor. Last night we were cuddling and watching a show and then went to bed together. Time can do wonders.

[This message edited by Whyamisoawful at 1:40 PM, September 6th (Thursday)]

Pinkpggy is completely right. Time truly is the great equilizer. When emotions run high they are rarely controlled and right now, emotions are about as high as can be (for both of you). The hardest thing in the world is to let go of the outcome and wait for a response. One of the best pieces of advice I got early on was to focus my energy on fixing myself, until my H was ready to respond. When he would ignore my texts and calls eatly on, I would turn my attention to work, cleaning the house, taking care of the dogs, really anything productive to take my mind off waiting. But most importantly, I would read books and articles on infidelity. When my H was ready to talk, I had so many things I could recommend to him to read. It's important to remember that your H's whole world has crumbled and he needs time and space to wade through the rubble before beginning the daunting task of cleaning it up. Keep working on you while you wait.

[This message edited by Whyamisoawful at 1:41 PM, September 6th (Thursday)]