SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Well I am 4 days out now from uncovering my wife's affair (It seems like minutes) and I feel so stupid and lost. I don't have any idea what direction I am supposed to be going.

I suppose maybe some back story on me and my marriage would be helpful. I am a 43 year old man and have been with my wife since we were 15 (she's the same age as me). We had a son when we were only 16 years old and 5 years later we had our second son and got married. Life has been tough raising a family from so young when we were kids ourselves but we did it. And we did it alone, by ourselves. We built a good life, we own a couple of businesses and have raised good kids.

I have not been a perfect husband myself. It hurts me so deeply to say that I cheated on my wife 6 years ago and was caught in my affair. The hurt that I caused.... the pain in my wife's eyes, was devastating for me. I swore to her and likely more importantly to myself that I would never again cheat and cause the kind of pain that I never imagined even existed. The last 6 years have been tough, real tough. But my wife forgave me and we moved on.

Things have been pretty good for a couple of years now, and we fairly recently (a year ago) met another couple that had many of the same interests as us and we all got along extremely well. I started to have some uneasy feelings about a few little things that I couldn't quite put my finger on so I began watching a little closer, and at a BBQ that we were having at their house with a third couple also I made a point of keeping a close eye and caught my wife kiss him. It wasn't good.

I carry a lot of guilt for what I have done in the past and felt like I owed it to my wife to listen to her and try to work it out, after all she forgave my sexual affair and this was just a kiss. After getting her story on it all and confronting my so called friend separately I honestly believe that what they were telling me was the truth, that that kiss was the first one they had shared. They had had some more provocative conversations but that was the first contact. Everyone bawled to me and begged for forgiveness saying that it was simply a lack of judgement after a couple of beers and that would be the end of it that we could salvage what was at the time a very great friendship with another couple. Stupidly I agreed to try to work on rebuilding a relationship.

That was 3 months ago, 4 days ago I caught my wife using a secret chat app and grabbed her phone from her. It was him. They had just gotten the app that day and they were still figuring it out, I read the whole conversation, saw the pictures, saw the videos's. My world, my life came crashing down. They talked about the rendezvous that they had a couple of weeks prior and how much they enjoyed each other. They said "I love you" to each other. They were planning another session for the very next night.

My wife takes ownership of it, is deeply sorry for the hurt yada yada...I just don't know what to do. I know we can never be the same and we were so fractured already from my infidelity that I don't know how we can possibly overcome this. She told me that she just needed to feel desired again after a long marriage that may have become a little mundane with daily duties. That it was only sexual in nature and it wasn't more. That she only loves me. But they told each other "I love you".

My wife said that she desperately wants to work it out, that I mean everything to her, but I'm just so hurt right now. She knows this hurt herself. She's been here, and seeing her bear this very hurt, being ripped apart from it, was enough for me to know that I would never risk putting her back here. Yet she did it to me KNOWING what this hurt is. She stayed with me, I feel like I owe her the effort I just don't know how I can overcome the things I saw and the things they said.

Sorry for such a long post but I'm just venting a little.

One thing that I should add to this story is that my wife recently in the past year or so has lost a lot of weight and looks fantastic (she always did tho). But I really felt that the kiss was a by-product of that. She feels desirable now to other men and she explored that with the kiss is what I was told... but now this. Is this just the beginning? Now that she feels desirable to other men am I old news and boring? Ive never seen or had her act towards me the way that she acted towards him in the texts. How can I ever compete? I will never be new and exciting again. I don't think she has ever craved me like she craved him. She may love me deeply I do believe that, but I can't make her feel that way apparently. So how do I stay?

Do you remember the “rush” you got at the beginning of your affair? That is where she is. It goes away after a while. No one stays on cloud nine forever.

You need to find out how it started and you need to tell his wife.

If the two of you swept your affair under the rug then you did not heal your married. This time use a MC to help you reconnect.

By marrying as young as you did neither of you got to enjoy the joy and the agony of being teenagers riding around in cars, acting stupid and just being typical teenagers. Both of you have tried to get those experiences by cheating. But you are adults with responsibilities and need to own that.

Do you remember the “rush” you got at the beginning of your affair? That is where she is. It goes away after a while. No one stays on cloud nine forever.

You need to find out how it started and you need to tell his wife.

If the two of you swept your affair under the rug then you did not heal your married. This time use a MC to help you reconnect.

By marrying as young as you did neither of you got to enjoy the joy and the agony of being teenagers riding around in cars, acting stupid and just being typical teenagers. Both of you have tried to get those experiences by cheating. But you are adults with responsibilities and need to own that.

Has to be no contact, better yet move away. Make sure you tell his wife.

Inform OM’s wife immediately. Just because you found out doesn’t mean it’ll stop.

Do do without warning!!!!

I don't know if this will help you or not, but after my WH's betrayal I don't really feel that I owe him fidelity anymore. Having committed to R, I can't imagine a scenario in which I would cheat because I truly can't imagine allowing a stranger to physically touch me. Also, I'm not at all comfortable with subterfuge, so I'd leave him before I'd bother with all the trouble of keeping my lies straight.

That said, my WH changed the parameters of our marital agreement when he cheated, and I no longer feel constrained by my original vows. He essentially divorced me without telling me. So, it's me who holds me back from that brink. Not the marriage and not the vows. Those were broken.

Intimate betrayal makes us step back. We're no longer under any illusions about true love or soulmates or any other romanticism which infers that we're safe or won't be victimized at the hands of our beloved. Once we've seen that, I don't think it can be unseen.

Now, that's not to say that we can't go on to very fulfilling relationships with our former WS's. But, I don't think that the innocent trust which made us believe wholeheartedly that we could maintain that level of emotional dependence upon another person ever returns. We become independent because we have to be in order to survive the trauma. We are released from those broken vows.

Is it possible to remarry? ..to go in with your eyes wide open and make new vows? In my particular case, no. I would never truly say those words to anyone again. But maybe in your situation, it might be something to consider.

Counseling for both of you separately. Marriage counseling can come later. She has probably harbored resentment against you for years because of your affair even if she wasn't consciously aware of it. This may sound weird but honestly I think you two can rebuild because you're now on even ground. You've both crushed each other to the core. You both know what both sides of this feels like. You know what it feels like to be betrayed and you know what the guilt and shame feels like when you betray.

FIRST, these other couples HAVE TO GO FOREVER. These friends are not friends of the marriage. That friendship is over this minute and for the rest of your lives. Also, his wife must be informed of this.

Have a real heart to heart talk. No anger. No judgments against each other. Be brave because neither of you might like the outcome. Decide if you two want to work this out and want to be together. "I don't know" is not an answer. That's a coward's answer. A child's answer. Deep down you both know if you want to be with each other or not. You both have to be honest with each other. If that answer is "yes" from both of you then you both have to go 100% all-in on this. You both have to do the work. You both need to figure out your "why's". You also need to define boundaries and recognize situations or people that are enemies of your marriage and cut them out of your lives.

Good luck my friend.

Dear Jondoe,

It is very unfortunate you have found yourself in this predicament. You must admit, both you and your wife were wrong in entering into an affair, and now both know the tremendous hurt and pain that comes with adultery.

I agree with “CincyKid,” in his assessment and recommendations. I want to add; you should contact the OMW or partner.

Best,

Bigheart

I agree with the others...you were young...life does get mundane....she has scars from your A..

YOu didn't mention why you had an A...maybe you should explore that, and consider what drove her to an A....not just her looks...

Its not uncommon for cheaters, to adjust their looks during an A...its very very common...she may have already been in it...of course she feels pretty, and wanted...every A starts that way...but she brought rejection of the worst kind with her...

You never get over an A...not her not you...you learn to live with it, thru effort and choice...it lives with you..

How much damage did your A cause? that's where to start...in your mess.. All A's have very long lasting effect...forever in fact. She made the same mistake....she has to explore her mess...its equal..

[This message edited by cancuncrushed at 8:42 AM, September 28th (Friday)]

Jondoe

SI has a well-marked policy that only betrayed spouses (BS) can post in the JFO forum. Since you admit that you yourself have had an affair the moderators moved your thread to General.

I have been here too long to question SI guidelines. There is a good reason this is done, and I would never suggest it be otherwise. However, there is one problem with this policy and that is once posts about newly discovered infidelity are placed in General they tend to drop quickly to page 2 oblivion. I sometimes worry that the original posters don’t get the help they so desperately need.

Maybe it’s because these posts usually contain a BS who is also a Mad Hatter (like you and your wife, both been both sides of the table…) and we “normal” people that are only BS or WS aren’t so sure how to offer help.

Anyways… I want to offer you two things to ponder on:

First, the suggestions you let OM wife know are true and spot on. No warning, no threats. Just do it. Do it as kindly as you can with no expectation on any feedback or response:

“Wife of OM. I discovered that my wife and your H are having an affair. I have enough proof to be 100% certain that it was physical and started XXXX. My wife says it’s over and now we are trying to save our marriage. However, I think you need to know so you can decide what you want with your marriage. Understandably we will not be in contact with you and your husband in any way or form in the future and wish that you two respect that. The ONLY exception is if you want information on the affair or if you have further info on the affair. In that case you can contact ME.”

Second:

You and your wife have been together for nearly 30 years.

I suggest you find 3-6 hours alone where you sit down facing each other at a table and simply answer the question why you should remain married.

Seriously…

Be very critical on all material issues.

Remove all financial issues – you could both rebuild a pension, you can both get rid of debt, you can both start a new life independently of each other.

Remove all family issues – as good co-parents you can keep your kids in a good loving environment (and what with the oldest being 28…).

Remove all outside pressure – What friends and family say doesn’t matter. They will get over it.

Remove all history – Just because it’s most of your lives doesn’t mean it has to be the rest of your lives.

What you want to have on the table is what is IMHO the only good reason for wanting to remain married: Because you want each other.

If you get to that place – if you reach that conclusion then start talking about what marriage is to you.

If you don’t get to that place, then start talking about how you can let go of your fear of divorce to get to divorce.

Make sure you are both on the same track. Talk about finances, where you want to be in 5 years, 10 years. Talk about sex and intimacy. Talk about your fears. Make sure that after that talk you are both clear on what you two expect a marriage to be.

Third and finally: If you follow my advice and reach the conclusion you want each other than acknowledge that your marriage is worth the financial and emotional cost of a good MC. Realize and accept its hard work and the only ones doing it are you.

Does she have any continuing contact with the OM?

Expose to all your 'friends' that brushed off the kiss as meaningless.

Save the messages (you never know) otherwise she'll delete them.

Give yourself at least 90 days to decide whether to D or R. Your decision to D or R is personal to your needs going forward and should not be based on your previous affair. For example, 6 years ago she decided it was in her best interest to R ...now it's your turn.

Get tested for SDTs, discuss meds for sleeping and anti anxiety.

See your attorney to see what divorce looks like.

Give yourself some space from her (have her sleep in the guest room).

my wife who who has always been sexy to me and she has lost weight over the past year and is getting attention from men at her work. She seems to like it but never sends explicit e mails back that Ive seen. My wife wont own shit but the shit is about to hit the fan. She looks so hot but tries to look too good for work I feel and have voiced this to her. She says im being silly. you cant make her not pretty to everyone so you have to deal with the threat of other men and hope she don't enjoy the attention. If shed focus on me and my love for her shed see that she could do better but never find the love I have for her. good luck

Thanks for letting me vent and for the replies and advice. The OM's wife does know, I let her know right away, it would be unfair not too. And all contact is supposedly cut off for now as far as I know but I am keeping a close untrusting eye on that right now too.

I have not yet made a decision on what I am going to do. My youngest son is so much like us, he is 22yo now and is due to get married to his high school sweetheart in a couple of months. I don't think I could hit him with the news that we would be getting a divorce right before his wedding. I fear it would have to wait until after even if it is the decision that I make.