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I guess I’m feeling sorry for myself today. My STBXC couldn’t give up his twu luv/soulmatism/kismet thing for his AP. So we’re heading for divorce. I’m ok with that.

But I’m just feeling so discarded. So on the scrap heap. I am nearly twenty years older than his AP. I’m def not as pretty. I’m just an older mum who looks every year of her age from working full time and raising two boys alone.

It feels to me that my STBXC affaired up in looks and age. Her character didn’t and still doesn’t matter to him, so we might say he’d affaired down but he certainly doesn’t think so. He thinks he’s the cat who’s got the cream.

So I sit alone feeling ugly, old and discarded... I try every day to tell myself it’ll be ok, and I know it will but just sometimes I want to sit in a corner and just sob. I want something good to happen for me... you know just a little bit of luck. I know that looks aren’t important to everyone... but that isn’t making me feel any better.

How do you cope with feeling like this?

Feeling so blue!

[This message edited by Dragonfly123 at 11:41 AM, October 17th (Wednesday)]

It don’t matter you’re pretty I bet. You should be to him. So what he was with a younger woman. You’re his wife and he should see you as the most beautiful woman on the planet. I’m sorry he acts like this. You be strong and do what you got to do. If he don’t see it that way that’s his loss. Good luck I’m out.

My WS's whore MOW was a lot younger than me too. She was also very pretty. Her personality and nastiness during their A was all I needed to know about her. In fact my WS and MOW personality mirrored each other. 2 toxic people that fell for each other. Maybe he met his match and not in a good way

Keep your head up! Looks fade with time and we all get old. It's what is on the inside that counts.

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 11:55 AM, October 17th (Wednesday)]

As an acceptable looking guy I can say that between a younger woman who is an AP and a woman more my age who was cheated on- I'd pick the one who was cheated on every time.

He might not know it, but he did affair down. Now he's got a woman who cheats with married men.

In whose book is that a win?

Just remember if they will cheat with you they will cheat on you. By the real world numbers the relationship has about a 10% chance of success and even then there will always be suspicion and discord. It's no way to live.

Think of a beautifully wrapped gift. It has sparkly wrapping paper and the bow!!! The damned bow is just the most lovely thing you’ve ever seen!!! But there’s a second gift. It’s wrapping is atrocious!!! You can see the tape and the wrap is actually a faded comics page from the newspaper.

You get to choose one present to open. You open the sparkly gorgeous one - and to your dismay - it’s filled with runny dog poop and chunky vomit!!! It’s awful!!!

Did you choose well? Because you get to see what’s in that messy gift - and it’s a box full of glowing and sparkling precious gems. You and I - we may be that old comic page but inside - damn - that’s worth cherishing. We are loyal, and steadfast and intelligent, sometimes funny - we have lots of wonderful attributes - even if our wrapping has yellowed a bit with age. We had our youth once and we sure as hell didn’t waste it being some old dude’s side piece!!!

Damn did your WH lose out. It’s almost sad.... if he didn’t sooo deserve that box of dog shit and puke!!!

Now he's got a woman who cheats with married men.

^^^ Nailed it.

You would probably feel the same way if the AP was unattractive.

My wife's AP was six inches shorter than me, bald, slightly obese, largely unattractive and had no apparent muscles. Nonetheless, I feel less than, discarded and sexually inadequate despite being more attractive than him in every way.

Part of being cheated on for me was having my self-confidence shattered.

I even started feeling bad about my own body and penis for the first time in my life.

My guess is all the self-confidence issues will pass with time.

[This message edited by SweetCreamPie at 1:14 PM, October 17th (Wednesday)]

As Judge Judy would say: beauty fades, dumb is forever.

The outside appearance only counts for so long in a relationship. There is a time limit on 'looks' alone. No matter how good looking someone is - if they're nasty on the inside - they soon start looking ugly on the outside once they're found out. I have a feeling that once this OW has had her fill of 'winning' and starts to treat your STBXWH like crap...she'll soon be looking ugly to him. Nothing is more beautiful to discerning people than a kind heart - which you have - and she doesn't. True beauty is on the inside. As your STBXH is likely to find out soon enough.

If you compare you will allways find something..Ow of ex is not prettyer than me..she is 3years younger than me..but her family have lots of money and properties..she provide him whit finances stability..everything i have i provide my self alone..my family dosent have money to suport me..but it's ok..im ok whit that.

She is not better than you..she is just new thing..if it's not her there will be another woman.

I am so sorry you feel this way, it's truly awful. With the 10lbs of makeup she wore and the right snapchat filter, my WH's AP was pretty, too.. and 7 years younger. It doesn't matter how attractive you think you are, how many other people tell you, what you see in the mirror.. you still feel like garbage & can't help the comparisons.. I know because it is something I struggle with, as well. I don't have any advice but I send you hugs.

Younger and prettier is only a few superficial factors on how beautiful a person is. They may be the least important.

Cheating, deceiving, and lying brings out the ugly in anyone.

[This message edited by twisted at 11:01 AM, October 18th (Thursday)]

So when I was single, if a man old enough to be my dad, especially one wearing a wedding ring, came on to me I would think he was gross and get away from him as quickly as possible. My friends were the same. We would probably joke about the creeper and make up nicknames for him (grocery store creeper, gym creeper etc). He would be pathetic to us. No way we would ever date him. Why when there are so many cute single guys out there?

In addition to being morally ugly, she’s messed up. He managed to find someone as broken as he is. That’s not winning.

[This message edited by Slowlygoingcrazy at 4:41 PM, October 17th (Wednesday)]

So I sit alone feeling ugly, old and discarded...

I may be a vengeful bitch but in that situation I’d just wait for the moment when his AP will make your STBXH feel exactly the same way. And it will not be long, of that I am sure. You get yourself in a place where he has no power over you and you know 100% you will not take him back even if he wins the lottery. Listen, your STBXH is presumably similar age to you. As attractive as a man his age may be. His AP enjoyed the game and wanted to win the prize. You know that. She’ll get bored pretty quick. That you also know already. Their relationship will not last. Not a chance in hell. But you need to ensure you’re not the consolation prize.

As for your attractiveness? Listen, I know there are men out there much younger than my husband who I could hook up with. Are they more attractive physically? Sure, a 25/30 year old will be in a lot of cases more attractive than a 45-50 yo. More fit more whatever. Would their soul and maturity attract me? Hell no! What’s there to talk to with a 25 yo? To tell him I remember the year he was born? To mention stuff about my childhood realising he wasn’t even at conception stage at that point? Ughhh...

I’m sure you’re a beautiful woman. So am I. But I also know I couldn’t compete physically with a 25 yo. How could I? I had two kids who left their mark on my body and of that I’ll never be ashamed. Can my WH be with any of those in need of a sugar daddy and some exciting “I won the prize” games same as yours? Of course he can. Good luck with that. I wouldn’t even try to compare and compete with that. Because physical beauty is not everlasting. Nobody can keep it forever. If there are stupid 25 yo women out there who want to wipe old asses when they are in their prime, or want to make sure their SO takes their blood pressure pills when they actually want to go dancing that’s their problem.

I know that no matter what I tell you it wouldn’t make you feel any better. My WH’s AP is the same age as me and below me in looks (forget the crazy character). I still struggle with self esteem.

I’m sorry if any of my words offended you or anybody but that’s the reality. There’s a reason for which the majority of us marry people our ages. So we can have similar interests, so we can have a conversation based on similar circumstances and take our blood pressure pills together when that time comes. If it would all be based on looks the divorce rate would be even higher than it is as we would all “upgrade” our models every time our spouse’s physical appearance doesn’t match our fantasies.

Neither of them are winners in this. He got a slut, she got a cheater. He is going to age, get ED, fart a lot, and she will dump him. If her doesn't dump her first, after all he is a cheater.

One more thing: how old is his AP? I can only imagine my WH dating a woman 20 years younger than him. That would make that woman 26. So imagine a 26 yo. She wants to go out. A lot. She wants to go dancing and clubbing and mountain hiking, she wants to be entertained, she is full of energy and has lots of friends and parties she wants to throw for her friends and so on. How long would my WH last? Erm... he goes to bed at 10.30pm. He’d probably tell her to F..k off in about, I don’t know... 2 months? And then let’s say the AP is more flexible and willing to give up on this, I mean she really loves him and is happy to sit on the sofa and watch the news form 10pm to 10.30 and then go to bed. How long would she compromise like this? Her friends texting her and asking her out and she’s like “oh I can’t, I am spending time with the love of my life, oh he’s asleep”. Separate socialising? Sure. How long would my WH be happy with the AP turning up at 2 am slightly drunk and noisy?

Take her out with their friends: ok which friends? His? AP please don’t open your mouth too much as everyone would be embarrassed to realise you don’t remember the 70s because you were not F...king born yet. Her friends? WH please don’t talk too much as you embarrass me when you start talking about the 70s music and the fun you had back then.

Can big age gap marriages survive? Sure! But not when they are build on deceit and lying on top of the age gap. Not when you have kids visitations thrown in the mix and the AP knows the reasons for all of it is her doing.

And you’re so beautiful, you’ll recover and one day probably meet a man your age who can walk the path of life without fear of your cheating and lack of integrity. He cannot say the same thing.

So what if she is younger and prettier than you, she lacks integrity to sleep with an older married man. You earned every wrinkle and grey hair by being a woman of integrity and a mother to his children.

I used to feel the same way although even younger than me, none were prettier. Now I have a wonderful new husband who doesn't care that I may not be prettier than a lot of the young women out there. He loves me for who I am as a person, not for my face, not for my body, and certainly not because I am young. A man of integrity doesn't care about those things. He cares about what is on the inside. I understand where you are coming from, but remember everyone gets older and looks fade, integrity is either there or it isn't.

This may not help much, but my first (betraying) wife was a 10. She was 25% Sioux indian and had that olive complexion, feisty, athletic... When I see her now, I see ugly. A devout Christian who betrayed me. My second wife would be considered "plain" by the world's standards but I see her as a totally beautiful woman. I see her thru faithful eyes. I love holding hands when we go places and just love having her beside me.

Even physical beauty is defined by the person within.

I’m with SweetCreamPie It wouldn’t matter, you would still feel devastated, just from a different perspective.

My WH’s type is ME: athletic build, curvier, strong, smart, red hair with long waves, confident, and someone who likes to look nice and take care of themselves.

AP: skinny, scrawny, flat nasty hair, ugly (even he admitted it), no make-up, wears crappy clothes, and is obviously stupid and totally insecure.

It completely devastates me that he put our marriage, his family, and our health on the line for a piece of shit. You want to know why my WH had an affair with her? Because she was the only one that EVER responded to his flirting in a way that said she was up to anything he would offer. He couldn’t believe it. So, he was not being hit on for years (he’s worked there forever and it’s primarily female staff) and the first one to make a move, he took it. She must have been really special, right?!??

You know what? They are ALL pieces of shit and invade our lives like nothing else, ever. It doesn’t matter pretty/ugly; smart/dumb; rich/poor; skinny/fat—it would kill you no matter what. This is just something that you are hanging on to because it feels like it matters. It doesn’t.

He did affair down. They all do. You get to live the rest of your life as a wonderful role model to your children, live with integrity, and have your morals remain gracefully intact.

[This message edited by onthefence123 at 10:39 PM, October 17th (Wednesday)]