SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My wife admitted to cheating on me on our honeymoon 11 years ago. We were on our honeymoon at an all inclusive resort in Mexico. We met a couple who were close in age to us and liked to party. I came to find out they were into swinging (sexually) which totally turned me off. And they were very insistent on hanging out with us day and night. I told my wife that I’d like more time alone with her, but she played it off as me being boring. On our last night I got a bit of a stomach bug and was in the mood to stay in. She wanted to go hang out with them. So she left me, and came back early in the morning drunk. Our airport shuttle was early, and when we went to go line up to get on the bus, the husband (from the swinging couple) showed up to say “goodbye”, but he was acting all weird and awkward, and was apologizing to me. I was annoyed but was happy to be going home. What had happened that night really bugged me for years, and there were other instances of my wife getting drunk and flirting or leaving me at party’s to go “enjoy” herself spending hours mingling with other men. I confronted her finally about what happened on our honeymoon maybe about 3 or 4 years ago and she finally admitted to making out with the wife only. Not convinced and not able to get over the fact that I think she’s lying - I brought it up again and she flat out denied what she told me anything had even happened, which makes me even more pissed off because she screwing with my reality, I know what I heard her say. Am I wrong to be pissed off?Should I suspect that she’s lying about what happened? That was our honeymoon for Christ’s sake! Should I suspect that she still cheating on me with someone else? I’m really at my wits end.

**to add to the above...she denies telling me that she admitted anything, but then tells me that I shouldn’t be upset because she was just young and stupid...but never cheated on me, and that 11 years have past and that I shouldn’t keep bringing it up anymore. Which to me is the real kicker. WTF?!

It's been 11 years and you're still triggering over it....it ain't going away.

I'd demand a poly, and if she refused, have D papers in hand. Tell her this is her one chance to come clean and still have a chance to save your marriage. Tell her you're tired of living what you feel is a lie of a marriage, and if she wants to stay with you, she'll either come clean now or at a poly.

Th longer you leave this unresolved, the worse it becomes.

Resentment and paranoia builds up over time, until it gets to a stage that whatever is said, will not be believed.

This has festered for 11yrs, and it is not healthy, and the way your W has blown this off (' but then tells me that I shouldn’t be upset because she was just young and stupid')is disrespectful.

If she is empathic of you, she would have no qualms sitting down with you to discuss it.

Something happened on your honeymoon.

You know it. She knows it.

It’s just a matter of whether she will admit it. And that doesn’t seem likely in my opinion.

You know it happened she just won't tell you.

polygraph time.

It's been 11 years and you're still triggering over it....it ain't going away.

GoldenR is right - and IMO, you're still triggering because your gut is screaming at you (men have intuition too)! Listen to it.

I echo the sentiments of the posters who are suggesting a polygraph. Just watching her reaction to you telling her to get one to assuage your anxiety will speak volumes. If it were me and I were innocent, I'd jump on it.

Her overall behavior is worrisome - she did things without you on your honeymoon! If she were sick, I'll bet you would have been right by her side taking care of her...not only is it the right thing to do because you love them, it's in the friggin wedding vows (in sickness...). You also mentioned she's done this other times in your M (going out without you, being flirtatious).

I'm so sorry, JeepGuy.

Tell her that you would like some closure on this, and unfortunately, because she has told you two conflicting stories, you need the reassurance that a lie detector can provide. Tell her that this is essential to the continuance of this marriage. She will say, do you not trust me? You will reply with the situations that she has put herself in, you give her the moral high ground statements, and let her dig her way out.

You will get your answers one way or the other.

[This message edited by Plate628 at 11:06 AM, October 18th (Thursday)]

I too have a strong need to set the record straight so I understand. But what are you going to do if you find out she had intercourse with the OM? Think about that. Are there conditions where you will actually divorce her?

What you already know is very bad. You can’t trust her. Do you want to live with a woman like that for the rest of your life? Do you have kids?

I'm sorry you're feeling this way. I do think that you have good reason to doubt her regarding that incident on your honeymoon. Listen to your gut.

Have you had reason to suspect anything since then?

Thank you so much to everyone on this forum for the kind words and advice. I really appreciate it. I’ve dealt with PTSD and depression and anxiety (and I’ve been working it) my whole life. She uses gaslighting tactics on my and takes advantage of my mental disability, saying that I’m crazy and paranoid and that I need to figure shit out myself. She take no ownership or accountability for her half in the marriage. I do have reason to suspect other instances of physical and emotional infidelity. We do have 2 beautiful little girls together. I just asked her to take a polygraph test and she replied simply with “ok”. Not sure what will come of it, but already we don’t have a real marriage - we’re both unhappy - so separating and divorce will not be that difficult for me emotionally, I think, since I’ve already checked out a long time ago.

Like Coreofsteel said...listen to your gut. Sounds like you gut is screaming to you.

I agree she needs to submit to a polygraph. If her boundaries are as loose as you say, this wasn't the only time she strayed in your marriage.

I just asked her to take a polygraph test and she replied simply with “ok”

Book it. You must follow through when you make a request or she'll continue to walk all over you. SI peeps can help you frame the questions for the polygrapher to ask.

Have you considered DNA testing your children?

Clearly this is bothering you. You've found your way here and have joined and posted. This is because it was rug-swept at the time. Rug-sweeping almost always results in this type of circumstance, where the doubt and worry eats away at you over time, like cancer. It will continue to get worse.

It's not likely your WW will come clean unless she realizes that you are serious about leaving her because you can't live with the unresolved factual questions.

This is an old wound but a wound that was never properly treated so it's still open and has festered all these years. If left untreated it will kill your marriage. It has already caused you years of pain. You MUST treat this wound. That requires a "come to Jesus" moment for your wife where she lays herself bare to you and any/all secrets are put on the table. Sometimes it takes a polygraph to elicit this kind of breakthrough with a WS. She may be so ashamed of what she did to you when you were younger that it's really hard for her to admit it even to herself.

Still, the fact that you're here asking for help shows you beyond a shadow of a doubt that this open wound is slowly killing you as a person and is definitely killing your marriage. You have to be brave and firm. You have to initiate the things that will help you heal and heal the marriage. Don't relent. Don't accept compromises. You two need real therapy and she needs a polygraph or at least getting to the parking lot of the place where 9 times out of 10 the WS will go ahead and bear their soul so they go into the polygraph clean.

If she values the marriage at all, she'll agree to these things. If she doesn't, and refuses, then you at least know the truth and know the marriage is not going to survive. Please know this. Even if the marriage doesn't survive, YOU will survive and can be very happy in the future.

Sorry to hear about your situation JeepMan.

I had the same experience in that my now ex had told me a story about what happened with a fellow she'd been spending lunches with years ago. Then a few years later it was a different story and she denied telling me the first story all together. The only reason a person lies is to cover something up. I also suspect she believes that you're blowing smoke and won't have her take a poly.

It's pitiful when we find ourselves wasting our life with energy sucking individuals that can't bring themselves to live honestly. We've all been where you are now. You should take some time to decide if she's worth your efforts. It sounds like she's no stranger to cheating. I wish the best for you.

My wife admitted to cheating on me on our honeymoon 11 years ago.

This is consistent with

there were other instances of my wife getting drunk and flirting or leaving me at party’s to go “enjoy” herself spending hours mingling with other men

This statement.

A spouse doesn’t cheat in his/her honeymoon unless he/she is very messed up. A spouse at parties doesn’t flirt, it may not be ‘cheating ‘ per se, but it’s very disrespectful. It’s almost as if you wife wants to live the life of a young single woman and be married at the same time?

You said you’re already checked out? In that case you can just go for D without the need to dig further.

If you’re thinking of R, go through with the polygraph and don’t forget to ask if she has ever cheated in your marriage, not only the honeymoon. Also ask for all passwords (phone, email etc...) and check everything.

Are you leaning towards D or R?

I'm going to take a wild guess here, but your wife has been doing this so long and I believe she really thinks you already know she is cheating. In her sick mind "how could you not know" she is screwing around!

Weird thing about waywards is they have a warped reality. I bet your wife thinks you diserve to be cheated on for not kicking her to the curb 11 years ago.

Sorry man this ain't your fault... some folks in this world just aren't right in the head.

And when these mentally sick people find some one to control they go for it.

Eleven years ago instead of comforting her best friend and soul mate for being sick (you). She comforted her best friend and soul mate ….her self!!!! Ever since then it's been a sweet ride of manipulation and control over a guy she knew she could trick into believing what ever she wanted him to believe.

So with that said go ahead make her take the poly and when she fail who cares.

If you really want to scare the hell out of her....just let her go and emotionally distance your self from her. Once she gets a taste of your indifference towards her and feels you moving on with out her.....the truth of what she really is will scare the shyt out of her knowing she no longer has control over you.

But for now why should she careless if the poly proves her cheating..in her mind you ain't going any were. THAT NEEDS TO CHANGE MAN!

Something really bad happened to your wife when she was young.

Wow, what an incredible and generous community of people you are. So grateful for all the candid advice coming from so many of you (tear in my eye). Finally some validation of what I’ve been feeling all these years.

Update. Her and I have been going back and forth over text messages. I took the advice and told her in order for me to have closure and move on I need her to take polygraph test. She said one word “ok”.

We have two daughters, who I would give my life for. And she texts me back, “why did you agree to having a second child?”... the truth is , and she knows this is, I was reluctant to have a second child. In my weak state of mind and wanting to continually please her, I caved in. I own that, and that’s on me for being weak. But let me tell you instead of the conception being an intimate period in our life, she would be rude and mad at me when she got her period (ie when she wasn’t getting pregnant). I said let’s take a break and not put so much pressure on ourselves. Then one night we’re having sex, and I pulled out before finishing inside her. She fucking slapped me in the face (I don’t know if she was joking or serious) and said something to the effect of “why didn’t you cum inside me?!” I was so taken aback that I froze...I couldn’t fathom that she would do that after having shared an intimate and emotionally vulnerable experience together. The next time we had sex I made sure not to pull out and voila she got pregnant and the sex ended for almost a year.

Sorry for the long story...so back to text message exchange today...she totally denied that that ever happened - I laid into her and told her “maybe had I told you to never lay a finger on me again and to Fuck Off (which by the way I’ve never once said to her but she has numerous times). Then maybe she would have remembered it happening”. It’s her typical stubborn pattern of deflecting and denying any of her actions or behaviour.

My last message to her was a response to this message to me she said , “before I left for New York everything was great now i feel like we are falling apart before my eyes. it's very confusing”. My response,

“I finally woke up and decided I'm done with being nice and need to stop pretending things are ok. Please objectively read with an open-mind what I'm trying to tell you, if it's still confusing then get help in understanding what I'm talking about, if you think I'm mistreating you, and punishing you, etc...and there's nothing wrong with your side of this relationship then I can't go on with this relationship .” She kept asking me if I wanted a divorce. And I layed out two possible scenarios she can take.