SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I know for our marraige to work, he has to behave so that I don't need to snoop the rest of our lives. I have intentions of living that way. He will either truly change his ways, or I will be done pretty quick.

That's a good start.

HE confessed to things I didn't know. I will keep my eye on him for sure.

I do so hope you have it all.

My XW admitted to two involvements - a foreign holiday fling consummated twice (I'd guessed but never said anything)- the other, at a conference, not consummated - though not for lack of trying on her part (I had absolutely no idea). Both were some ten or so years before DD and the men were long moved on and probably untraceable.

She didn't admit to something I did know though - much more recent and traceable (colleague(s) at her previous job) though the exact extent of her misbehaviour was uncertain.

In other words - she was clever enough at TT to give me a couple of crumbs more than just what she thought I knew in the hope that it would convince me that she really, truly was being totally honest when she wasn't.

1wvgirl

I hope the memorial went as well as could be hoped. I don’t know how you kept it all together but I am so happy you are on the other side of the weekend.

Your confrontation is similar to mine meaning you too found out things you didn’t have evidence of. That is a huge positive sign. The fact that he is readily agreeing to all of your stipulations is another positive sign.

Remember he needs to be in control of his healing and if he is serious about proving he is safe to you, he will step up and do all things needed without needing reminders etc. If you have to remind him to make his appts with a counselor etc that is a red flag. Lay down all your requirements and then step back and see what he does. That is the fastest way to know where he stands. Whether he soars or flounders is all on him.

Well done in taking control of getting yourself out of infidelity. You need to go to IC to get help for all of the trauma that is recovery from the grief/betrayal of infidelity as well as the sudden passing of your loved one.

Hope

Well, if the other BS does indeed know, it won't cause one bit of harm if you contact him off your H's radar and let the other BS know that you know now as well.

The other BS may not know, sadly, liars lie and this is a common one.

Tell the other bs without telling your H ahead of time.

Living the life of a warden isn't worth it.

I understand. I don't have blinders on. That's why I'm keeping the GPS on his vehcile and having the PI continue to follow him.

You are an intelligent woman and wise to confirm what you can to be true. I say this not with the intention of "catching him" on something (I really hope you don't), but rather in contrast, to give evidence that your decision to stay and work on it is warranted, that his words are supported by his actions, so you can gain confidence as you move forward.

I know I am the minority on here, as my WH had multiple As, so by many is deemed a serial cheater incapable of change; however, that has not been my experience thus far. To me, the key is behaviour post dday, regardless of whether it was a ONS, LTA or serial cheating.

Like you, my WH very quickly came clean with information I didn't have and frankly, would likely have never found out without his disclosure. He actually said in some ways he was glad it was out, that he didn't need to live with the lie anymore, though he obviously felt awful that the burden was mine to now bear. He too had a physiological reaction, was physically sick and cried a lot. He immediately booked in with an IC and still goes, a year out to continue digging, even though I think we have the "whys" and "hows" pretty ironed out.

My WH answered all of my questions, as much as they hurt me. Though he sometimes asked if I really wanted the answers, as it would be hurtful, he answered them. I needed that to process the trauma, not everybody does.

I don't live like an investigator at this stage, 14 months out. I won't live like that. Boundaries have been set. He knows the consequences if crossed, I have been very clear, I will be gone, no questions asked, no need for dialogue about it. His second chance is a gift and there will not be third gift doled out. I do truly believe he won't cheat again, despite being a serial offender. If I am wrong, well, joke's on me I guess and I move on. For now, I am happy, I am mostly at peace. I do still love him despite the hurt. Our old M is dead and we are building a new one from the ashes, one with honesty, vulnerability and most importantly communication.

I wish you well and just want to say there is hope if you have a spouse who genuinely wants to change and is wiling to do the work, despite the magnitude of his transgressions.

Again, I am so very sorry for the loss of your family member and glad the service went well. ((()))

1Wvgirl,

From you updates, I find you incredibly strong How are you doing?

I second JustWow, you should contact the OBS just to be sure; it’s a common lie to say that the OBS already know.

I wish you strength!

Did you record the confrontation/confession?

I concur that you should contact the other betrayed spouse(s), if any. I think you mentioned that one of the OW may be a divorcee? If so, is there a way to out her?

1WV, build a list of things you will need from him to feel safe moving forward. His phone, email and social media accounts should all be open to you now. He needs IC badly because he is a serial cheater and he needs to answer to you how you can ever trust him again when he acted like your marriage was perfect while cheating. MC can be on the table after he has had some IC.

My husband has agreed to take a poly graph. How that goes will determine my next steps.

Just one thing that I do not recall seeing posted when you provided your update.

JMHO and a suggestion: Your H needs IC. If he's had multiple As, there is something very broken in him that you cannot fix, and he will not very likely be able to fix his issues without professional help. In other words, him making all of these promises and feeling guilty and regretful in the moment could wear off when temptation arises again. IC can help him get to the root of the issues of why he strayed in the first place, dig deep so he can heal the brokenness, and help him become a safe partner for you. If he does go the IC route, make certain the IC specializes in infidelity.

Wishing you the very best - I am very glad that he confessed and is going to take a polygraph. All good things.

Hugs!

Lala

I wanted to update everyone. I required that my husband take a polygraph test. He did. He passed with flying colors. When I confronted him, he told me everything. The affairs were not as extensive as I suspected. He had sex one time with one other woman. He had admitted to having in appropriate messages with one other woman.

I know when I reported here on the confrontation, I was advised (and rightly so) that it was rare for someone to come completely clean with just one confrontation.

I'm glad my husband was the exception to that rule.

I've decided to forgive my husband. I love him. We are going to put this behind us and move forward.

In my first post here, I said that I felt like my life was a lie. I feel like I've got my life back.

Thanks for all of the advice and support.

Glad to hear that you got the truth the first time and the poly confirmed it. That will go a long way in healing your trust. It sounds like your husband really wants the marriage and his rep to stay intact. I wish you the best.

I would caution you that your coda sounds suspiciously like the ending was too easy. Most instances of infidelity don't end so cleanly, nor so easily.

I fear there will be a denouement. I hope for your sake there is not, but we will be here.

Keep in mind the general wisdom of SI is that it takes a long time for a WH to reach a place of true remorse, where he is helping you heal from the trauma he inflicted on you. He should, at the very least, read "Not Just Friends" and "How To Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair". You should too.

You should also consider outing the APs, and your WH to some extend. Little can take the thrill and sugar coating off of an affair (from the WH's perspective) better than the light of day.

Good luck.

[This message edited by Butforthegrace at 7:11 AM, November 1st (Thursday)]

The other spouse knows about it. He was the one who informed me of the affair.

The other people he had in appropriate text message with are single. There was no sexual contact between them, not real emotional attachment. Very serious flirting that went way too far.

I don't have blinders on. I know there is a problem that needs fixed. I still have a GPS on his vehicle that he does not know about. We are moving forward. He understands that it will take a while for me to completely trust him.

Had he not done so well on the polygraph, I would be singing a different tune. That went a long way to give me piece of mind. I trust the examiner who performed the test. He is the best in our state. I feel like the results were accurate.

I'm not minimizing what he has done. He's got work to do. I intend to keep holding him accountable. He knows how serious I am. I will not be made a fool of twice.

I have taken steps to secure myself financially. I have the freedom to walk away today if I need to. He knows that. I can support myself. Our kids are grown and on their own. The only thing keeping me in our marriage is my choice to stay. He knows that, too.

1Wvgirl

Ok, that seems as if things have gone as well as can be reasonably expected so far. That the 'whole bucket of shit' is now in the open is a major + towards real R.

Now the next stage is tricky. You have to rebuild trust. My normal suggestion is take things slowly, do regular spot checks on WH's electronics.

Look for actions rather than platitudes that show WH is serious about R. One indicator can be that WH is more concerned about the harm done to his family rather than woe is me antics and a private pity party. As WH is a serial cheater, it will be more difficult for him to reform than the average cheater. Some say that serial cheaters never change: that is not so, but serial cheaters are less likely to reform than the average.

Remember that WH is a practiced liar, he manged to conceal his As for years. It is very possible that WH will learn to cheat smarter.

I believe that false R is the worst situation of any on SI.

WH needs intensive IC. Forget any MC for now, that can come later. WH has long established patterns of cheating behavior to discard.

You both should read 2 books: ‘Not just friends’ by Dr Shirley Glass and ‘How to help your spouse heal from your affair’ by Linda Macdonald.

As WH is a serial cheater I think that you should deploy the classic 'VAR in the car' sometime soon. This will give some extra reassurance that WH is playing fair.

R is a long haul of 2-5 years. There will be good and bad periods. There are no guarantees that R will work.

Please allow no rugsweeping at all.

Stay Strong.

Thank you. All good points.