SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Depending on what the PI finds out this week, I may confront my husband early next week.

Are there things that you didn't do that you wish you had? Conversely, are there things you did do that you wished you hadn't?

What kind of conditions did you put on remaining together?

The most common advice here is to not let him know how much you know. Let on like you know more. Keep him guessing as to the scope and range of your info.

Never reveal your sources. Ever.

Tell him you know he's been cheating. Say as little as possible. He will try to find out how much you know,and won't admit to anything else. So let him talk.

Have a voice activated recorder nearby,so you can record the entire conversation. You will be in a lot of pain,and may gave trouble remembering everything he says.

Don't mention reconciliation. If he knows you're willing to give him another chance right away, he will approach things with much less intensity. You want him to really want that chance. Make him work for it.

I'd also tell him you've spoken to an attorney,so he understands you're not fooling around.

I am not sure I am ready to be offering much advice but I will tell you that every time I addressed an affair or suspicion of one with my spouse he always denied at first. Any evidence I let him know I knew in the end was all he ever admitted to. I have never had full disclosure! I always even bluffed that I knew more than he thinks. Even with that, he never confessed to more than I shared.

I agree that you should not let your source be know. or how much you know!!’ One way to possibly indicate that your spouse is trying to be truthful would be to hear from them full disclosure of the affair without you having to inform them of all the details you know.

Best of luck. Stay strong!

If you believe you have the evidence, make sure you've seen a lawyer before you confront. If you want to leave, don't confront...just have your lawyer send them a divorce or separation agreement petition.

Also, make sure you are safe before you confront. Tell a friend and make sure your cheater can do no further harm. Think they won't? Think again, they just fucked around on you. They have no problem harming you.

Protect yourself.

Depending on how you think things might go, consider having an audio recorder (VAR) with you to (secretly?) record the proceedings when you confront. The evidence could come in handy should events turn ugly.

ETA: upon review, Hellfire already suggested the VAR, but for other good reasons, too.

[This message edited by TurnedTurtle at 7:34 PM, October 18th (Thursday)]

Leave the shit on the kitchen table and take an unannounced vacation for a week. Don't answer calls or texts.

Actions speak a lot louder than words

Do you really want to stay together? My only regret was not filing when I found out, instead I got gaslighted.

[This message edited by justabrokendream at 7:49 PM, October 18th (Thursday)]

If you want nothing more in life than to save your M....do not let him know that.

If you want to save your M be ready to lose it. It seems counterintuitive but trust me. When a cheater realizes they are about to lose it all they wake up.

Be prepared and know what you want and need from him to save and attempt R. Again be ready to enforce consequences if he fails to step up.

See an attorney and understand your rights his obligations and how this will play out should you choose D.

All of this is great advice but let me emphasize not to reveal your sources. Don’t even mention you have a PI.

Go get your hair done and put on some great clothes. A few ladies did this and it gave them confidence even though they were trembling inside.

all of the above advice...plus - don't be very emotional. Be tough and don't give any.

I was to angry and vengeful...so that is one thing I'd recommend you NOT be.

This sort of depends on yours and his personalities and how you two communicate.

If he is a habitual liar, then you need to drop a few facts on him that cannot be spun. On the other hand, if he is a decent sort, you can probably have more of a conversation about it.

My guess is that either way he will deny at first. We all have self defense mechanisms built in and no one wants to be called out for something like this. So I wouldn't let that concern me.

Tell him you know what's been going on, give him enough facts so he gets it, let him deny and twist things at first... and then demand the whole truth. It may take some time from him, but this is to be expected.

Like others have stated, think now about whether or not you truly want to salvage the marriage and spend the rest of your life with a betrayer. If not, then a scorched earth approach is fine. If you do, demand instant and full accountability.

Needless to say, this will be very emotional and could get ugly. If you have any concerns at all, I would have a friend there or like Marz stated, leave the evidence on the table for him to see and be 100% non contact from him for a week or so and also inform everyone via FB... of what is going on. Then, when you are ready to see him, he should be more humble. Oh yeah, if the OW has a spouse..., provide him with the evidence as well. He will need it for the divorce.

I wish you well. Be strong, but also be very smart.

Best advice is to not reveal your source and to let him do most/all of the talking. You want to see if he is going to continue lying or if he has more information.

You can say I know you are having an affair I want to talk about it and see if I want to salvage the marriage. If he then lies and says he isn't you tell him you have hard undeniable proof that he lying to you. That maybe you can work things out but not while he is lying. If he tells you it was a ONS you can say you have hard proof that it was more than that and you are willing to talk once he starts telling the truth....If he starts saying you made him cheat because you weren't_________, or _______ or... you can tell him you will take 50% of the blame for problems in the marriage but the affair is 100% on him and that is what you are talking about right now. If you decide to reconcile you can talk about the problems but his affair is what you are talking about right now.

you can ask him to hand over his phone to prove he isn't cheating and then give it to the PI to find more evidence (deleted text). If he refuses to give you the phone you have your answer on if he will truly do anything to save the marriage.

Do not agree to MC he needs to go to IC to figure out why he cheated and why he put your marriage at risk.

If you get to a point of giving him a to do list don't tell him he needs to do this so that you can reconcile. Tell him that you will consider reconciling if he starts doing these things to help you heal.

- timeline of events

- Complete transparency

- NC letter that you see and approve before it's sent.

- IC for him

I don't know the details but if it's a coworker one of them needs to get a new job.

Ok I read your other post. Sounds like the OBS already knows so I wont give you advice on that. It also sounds like he is a serial cheater and you won't ever get all of the information but that he will promise you anything to keep his marriage and rep intact.

I would go hardball and ask for anything and everything that would help me to trust him again and then see if I could live with a life where I had to get tabs on my husband 24/7. I'm glad that you can support yourself and walk away from this marriage if you have to. Serial cheaters that are able to cheat with no signs of problems at home are scary...

Good luck

[This message edited by Freeme at 8:55 PM, October 19th (Friday)]

Not revealing your source is great advice, but I found out through my "mistake" of divulging my source there is more than one way to find out whether they are worthy of any resemblance of consideration for reconciliation.

I found out through placing a GPS device on her car and divulged the source fairly early on after DDay. What she didn't know was how or where it was or what type of GPS technology (she thought it would be hooked to the battery of the car and when she didn't see it, had thought it wasn't hooked up. Nope!).

Keeping the device on her car at my discretion was one of my must have items. In my mind keeping the GPS was until I/we could get some sense of normalcy and trust back; in her mind it was for eternity. Her defensiveness and resistance to the GPS must have among a poly must haves was what finally made me walk. Having shown the device to her at one point while it wasn't on the car even led to some cat and mouse games in hindsight. She used a car wash essentially in the back yard of her AP one time, doing reconnaissance I think to see if I would say something; I did. Deviously smart on her part. I even detected through the device she had found it at one point and I suspect was likely trying to manipulate it. They're pretty reliable and you get to know what's normal and weird after using it for awhile.

We went back and forth on it for months after some good days and some awful days. The defensiveness just got so old and after months of "trying R" she flat out insisted it be taken off the car and that was it - alright...get out! Like they say, those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing. I got my answer.

[This message edited by Kintsugi at 10:21 AM, October 19th (Friday)]

As others have said, first rule: Never reveal your sources. If how you know this is his first question, he is calculating how much he can lie about to smooth everything over. Shut him down with, "If I hear one single lie from you, I'll stop you and help you pack your bags, end of discussion."

Freeme has listed a lot of good advice. Let him start at the beginning and tell you the whole story. Start to finish. Only ask short question, let him keep talking. "And then what?", And the other times?" Don't get to deep into the "whys" and "how could you's" until you get a complete narrative of his actions.

Once you confront, you can expect him to erased and delete everything that will incriminate him. Texts, pics, emails, apps, everything.

At some point, you'll want him to hand over his phone. If he refuses or delays, be prepared to stand up, tell him he needs to figure out where he will be sleeping from now on, and walk into the bedroom, drag out the luggage and start shoving his clothes in it. ( He'll most likely be deleting and erasing shit on his phone like mad about this time, then hand it over)

It's critical that he understands that any attempt to hide or cover-up the truth results in immediate divorce. It's the truth, right now, no more second chances, he needs to make that decision on your marriage, to your face, right now. If he needs time to think about, he can take his chances in court.

For me, knowing the whole truth with all details was critical for me to make MY decision to even try to R.

You won't get a second chance at this.

His attitude at that moment will tell you if the marriage has a chance or not.

Good luck!

At DDay2 my confrontation was short and sweet.

Kids were home so I could not let loose.

I very quietly went to him and said I know you have been cheating with OW. Is this true? He said yes. Then I asked a second question - was that true? He said yes. I asked a third and he lied.

I left the room.

He knew I caught him in a lie. Few days later I told him I was D him b/c I had nothing left and I was done living with his infidelity. I had to save myself and look out for my kids.

Luckily he received the message and the wake up call. It was the bucket of cold water he needed. Reality set in.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 12:46 PM, October 19th (Friday)]

I met with a lawyer first. She said to record the conversation and have a list of questions written out to ask that you know are true. Keep repeating them until they tell the truth. Never reveal your source of information.

In an attempt to avoid the lies (they can really push you over the edge, no matter how "ready" you are to confront), I would tell him you already know the answers to some of your questions, but there are some you don't. You will be asking questions from both categories-at this point tell him you will be back in a few moments-he will need that time to have what you just told him sink in. Hopefully the break will afford him the opportunity to know lying is not an option-may try anyway, but gives him the chance to not torture you with BS.

If I could do it again...

I would be much more calm.

I was angry and let that take over.

Cool, calm and collected.

Don't reveal your sources.