SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My XWW and I are now divorced. I'm in my own place. She has the house, I got the cash. We split everything else 50/50 and we're on our way. I feel the urge to try to help the next couple and not just the BS, but the WS as well.

My XWW and I went through a False Reconciliation. I can see now that she wasn't interested in R until it was too late and I was done. By the time she was ready for anything, I was two steps out the door.

Perhaps a list of signs that the Reconciliation is False might have helped me call it quits sooner or at least allow me to bring it up in MC to get talking about it.

Some are obvious. Some are less so. I invite anyone wiser and smarter than me to add to this list for the next unlucky members who need hazard signs.

1. Still seeing the AP. Well, yeah. If they are seeing the AP. If they've broken no contact, you are in a FR.

2. Seems disinterested in anything advised by the MC. Smiling and nodding in MC, but getting home and either ignoring the advice or saying they want to do that. Probably a FR.

3. Lack of empathy. Self absorption. Get over it type of attitude.

4. Justification for the affair rather than remorse.

These are just a few. I know there are others, but these are top ones I experienced. Anyone else?

[This message edited by breatheme at 7:42 PM, October 23rd (Tuesday)]

Saying, "you have to trust me."

Um, no... I don't.

This time around (actual R), WS says he understands why I don't trust him, and goes out of his way to show me he's telling the truth.

I am with ya going through it now, literally found more tonight, my ears are ringing.

I am with ya going through it now, literally found more tonight, my ears are ringing.

Here are some signs I see now in hindsight:

--Quick to anger or quick to get defensive.

--A willingness to share their feelings, but not to listen to yours.

--A lack of interest or contact with mutual friends.

--Not attending extended family functions.

--Does not want to make future plans like vacations, get-aways, parties or family reunions with you.

--Keeping their phone/computer/tablet around them 24/7.

--Changing passwords.

--Suddenly removing friends or family members from social media accounts.

--Unexplained withdrawals/expenses in bank accounts or on credit cards.

--Spending more time with single friends or spending more time with acquaintances that were never close.

--Frustration with your "inability to move on"

I'm sure there are more. I was in False R for six years. If I think of more, I'll add them.

Let’s not forget I’m trying then not reading the book, doing the work or was that covered.....aka not doing anything lazy in relationship, insensitive

Blame shifting

You’re the issue

My fake reconciliation also included…

Not willing to sacrifice anything.

Not making any plans with the BS

Pushing you to "just get over it already" is not a good sign for any kind of reconciliation.

In hindsight, and apart from the continued lying and gaslighting and contact with his COW, which are self-explanatory:

1. Anger and defensiveness. My xWH couldn’t take the heat for more than a few days, max, before blowing up at me. “You just keep needling me about the affair and it makes me angry!”

2. Agreeing to do things for R, but then never following through. He managed to read one full book. In six months. “I don’t have any time for myself with this huge list of demands!”

3. Inconsistency. In MC, he was one guy. With extended family, someone else. In private, someone completely different. At the time, I thought he was just a wreck but now I think this was intentionally done to keep me in a near constant state of anxiety. Goes hand in hand with the aforementioned lying and gaslighting.

What he put me through during the six months after his affair was far more cruel and abusive than the affair itself. How somebody can see another human being in agony and then continue to treat them so horribly is a mystery I will never solve.

My CH had me duped big time. I had no idea we were in false reconciliation until DDay2 when I called the OW and found out the A was ongoing.

A few very minor warning signs:

He was very short tempered with me

Refused marital counseling or any outside help st all

Refused to discuss anything

The ILYBNILWY speech

He wanted a D but it was b/c “he couldn’t give me” what I deserved. It’s the “it’s not you it’s me” routine

The day he told me “if we D you will get tons of dates b/c you are still so hot” I should have known something was up. I couldn’t figure out why he would at that. It was so bizarre.

Until you know the truth and then it all makes sense. The OW was still in the picture.

Other than that he was never late, no missing $, no hotel receipts, no secret phone or anything like that. He’s not on social media at all so there is nothing suspicious there. But he did use Skype to chat with her a few times and he did change the password to an email account. That is the one thing I knew but just sssumed he did it for a valid reason. Turns out the reason was so I couldn’t see he was communicating with the OW and making plans to dump me.

I'm with 1stWife on there not being any blatant signs.

The only one I could say would be a red flag and still is his unwillingness to discuss A related conversations or getting really upset and defensive when A is brought up.

Besides that he was attentive, he arranged date nights for us, we were getting along great that was until 2 years after initial D-Day when MOW spilled the beans.

Our M hasn't been the same or recovered since.

He used a burner phone and I couldn't catch it.

Telling you:

1. that you are a paranoid

2. that you will never get over his cheating (because he have never stopped it)

3. that you will never forgive him (he knows that his continuing cheating is not forgivable)

4. that you two should move on and stop talking about A.

5. that you should change to meet his needs.

6. what is not ok with you

7. that there have not been anything beautiful to remember between you.

8. what a miserable your marriage have been.

9. how unhappy he is.

10. that he has no time to spend with you or work with your marriage issues.

11. that he is soooo tired all the time.

12. that you should hate him. (because he knows, how hateful he is for you)

13. that he fears, that I will make him and his OW pay for the cheating. That I can hurt him and his OW.

For me (for the context: continued contact with the ow being “friends” for another 4 months):

He was an emotional wreck. One minute all in, another minute stating he cannot live like that. When asked to move out refusing.

He was literally doing everything to be transparent (he closed all the communication channels with her, she wasn’t allowed to call or email hence he was fully transparent) but after dday 2 I realised it wasn’t actually everything. Before dday 2 I would send a text and he would take his time to get back with reassurance. Sometimes he wouldn’t answer my calls as he was in a meeting. He would tell me he only wants me but when I saw what he was capable of, after dday 2 in order to make me feel safe, I realise how detached he was between dday 1 and dday 2. My safety and reassurance was coming second. After dday 2 I don’t remember any missed calls, any texts not answered within 2-3 minutes, he would FaceTime to show me his surroundings or I would FaceTime and he’d answer no matter what he was doing, meetings, he would send me date stamped pictures. He reported any sightings then and there. All this still happens and we’re 10 months past dday 2.

Before dday 2 - he’s say all these things of how he cannot live without me, I’m his world but it sounded like a broken record and there were no emotions behind it. These words would come as reassurance. Now he tells me without any conversation and out of nowhere how grateful he is for still being allowed to be in my presence and spend time with me.

Before dday 2 - being completely dramatic. (I learnt why later, pressure from ow). One day he’d come home euphoric telling me how much he loves me and how happy he is, the next day he’d come home crying and suicidal. I had no clue what to expect each day.

Putting me in a box emotionally Monday to Friday, he admits that during the week he would detach from me as he had his ow to support through her heartbreak ( ) and reattach at the weekend. Now he calls me regularly during the work hours and is fully attached at all times. I can feel I come first in his thoughts at all times. He calls to ask how I feel, is there anything bothering me, do I still have anxiety, do I want him to come and meet me for lunch, calls to tell me how he feels, sends texts expressing gratitude out of nowhere.

Never wanting to talk about my emotions by himself. Saying he’s tired living like that, we need a break from all the emotional talks. Now opening the conversation himself and telling me himself how he feels and how he believes I feel.

My biggest clue was the lack of work and general selfishness. Would talk about the A but not too frequently because it made her feel bad. Would not do much around the house unless directed by me. Would rarely cook or initiate sex. Much of these behaviors existed before the A.

There was a phrase in the "Not Just Friends" book that said that cheaters were generally the ones that did less in the marriage because they were less invested in the marriage. That one really rang home to me and I believe that it also applies to False R. If you/we are the ones doing most of the work in R, then it is False R. If anything, the wayward should be doing more.

I pointed that out and she is doing better now. I just need to be careful to not lean in too much because then she sits back and lets me do all the work.

This is what I went through:

The 1st read flag, lied about any A detail unless I had definitive proof. TT went on for 18 months. Each time I was promised I now knew everything.

Would always turn our conversations A related back to my short comings.

Would promise to do whatever it takes to make this right. I asked him to read how to help your spouse. Took 6 months to get to page 36, and only read after an arguement. Never read past page 36.

His way of trying was periodically buying flowers, helping fold laundry, and maybe loading the dishwasher here and there. According to him he bent over backwards and nothing worked.

Said I didn't appreciate the efforts he made.

Starting hanging out with single friends and family members.

If I was having a trigger, he'd cross his arms, sigh, and say a pretty contemptible "I'm sorry" sometimes with an eye roll.

Started making excuses not to be home.

Started saying I was controlling if I asked where he was.

Asked how long I was going to take to get over this.

Started lying about where he was and who he was with.

Accused me of telling everything bad about him to family and friends, but only good stuff about myself so he'd look like the bad guy. (I wasn't talking to anyone, but OK)

Refused to even try IC or MC.

Changed passcode on his phone.

Turned location off on his phone.

I was in such denial and co-dependent. Amazingly, it took me going to IC myself before they started jumping out at me....

Reading some of these reminded me of some more of my own:

Detachment: My xWW was removed from the R process. "Going through the motions," but it never felt legit.

Emotional Detachment: Would not talk about her feeling with the AP, would not talk about their history. Protected the A above the R.

Answered Questions... to a point: For a long time I could only get yes or no answers. Few details. I had to snoop to get the answers I needed. We would always reach a point of transparency where the A was more important than the R.

Protecting the AP: As above my xWW was protecting the AP. I think he had his own problems and didn't want to lose his kids. He'd have to pay alimony etc. Somehow his needs were more important than mine.

My xWW was never all in for the R. That's maybe the main red flag I should have seen. She wasn't all there. Her interests, the A, the AP all seemed more important that the R.

When they tell you ILYBIANILWY, believe them. Take them at their word. That might be the most truthful thing they are saying.

There was a phrase in the "Not Just Friends" book that said that cheaters were generally the ones that did less in the marriage because they were less invested in the marriage. That one really rang home to me and I believe that it also applies to False R. If you/we are the ones doing most of the work in R, then it is False R. If anything, the wayward should be doing more.

I think there is a lot of truth in this. Of course, if you ask them, they’re giving sooooooo much and they deserved to have the affair because they were so unappreciated.

In hindsight, I was doing everything to reconcile and my exWH was doing juuuuust enough to squeak by, hoping I wouldn’t notice. I finally did. And then I realized that this had been the pattern throughout our entire marriage.

I've always been of the opinion that cheaters want to get caught. There's something wrong with the M and they want out or they want it fixed. I still stick to that. There were problems in my marriage, we grew apart and then she had an A. In retrospect, there were many better ways to deal with our issues, but that doesn't matter now. It was broken and the FR did not fix it.

[This message edited by breatheme at 1:07 PM, October 26th (Friday)]

My absolute favorite happened a few years ago. It was a solid year of false R. She was trying to cake eat, keep her husband supporting her while trying to find a path to a new life with the AP. The AP, was dating more than just my client's wife, he had a few of them on the string. Two months before the D is final, she finds out. Guess who's apoplectic about keeping her husband. She is literally trying to tear herself a new one, trying to convince her STBX that she had a change of heart and now really really cannot live this life without him. She kept that up right to the second he announced his engagement. She lost her shit, she told all of her friends that she would break up his happy new life and make him come back. On the wedding day she downed a bottle of pills. Her ex sent her a get well card.

Wow these hit home for me. The anger and the resentment of feeling controlled by the BS. Telling you that they love you and can't imagine a life without you by their side and then turning around and calling the AP as soon as they are away from your side. When caught STILL communicating with the AP getting mad that you looked at the phone records and stating that they were just arguing. But of course every text had been deleted so there was no way of knowing what was said. The entire situation sucks. As the BS we shouldn't have to work this hard.