My wife and I started dating right before I graduated high school, and not quite a year later we married. We both had addiction/substance abuse problems in the past. I had battled mental health problems most of my life (diagnosed BPD).
About 6 or 7 years into our marriage things started to unravel. I was working unpredictable and long hours that semi-regularly required overnight travel. By the time we had our 3rd child (mid 2006) things were really bad at home. I started drinking more as well as smoking pot. I really didn't like my wife during that time, nor the way she treated me. I would say the relationship was emotionally abusive from both sides. I always had a gut feeling that her complaints about the marriage were way out of proportion to the actual problems. I started hanging out with a couple of friends from work who lived close by, and a couple of different times I decided I had too much to drink so I waited until morning to drive home.
The last time I did that my wife informed me that her brothers were driving down with their trucks and trailers to come get her and the kids and that they were going to live with her parents. I was livid, and in shock. This was my first experience with "the light-switch effect". It was like she was an entirely different person. 3 days later they were gone, 1800 miles away. There were many times before she left and while she was away that I accused her of wanting to cheat. There was enough evidence in her voice and in her choices that followed the common pattern I was seeing amongst married couples our age. Married women, including her friends and relatives were choosing to destroy their families left and right in order to scratch any and every itch a wayward woman might have. Usually the justification was that the husband was "abusive". I was also accused of being "abusive". I always thought that was BS, and stemmed from the wife's unsuccessful attempts to manipulate the husband and his ability to defend himself.
I began flying up to visit every few months to see the kids and my wife. Most phone conversations were ugly but when I would go up there we were usually able to set things asside and have fun. The sex during most of those visits was exceptionally good. I did tell my wife in very clear language, many times, that if she began seeing someone to the point where it was getting physical, that she needed to tell me (and vise versa) and that would be the end of it. She agreed. Many different times I reiterated this and I often asked if she had been seeing anyone. The only thing I heard about was a boss she had that wanted her to go to a trade show with him, and it seemed like it was implied that she was going to keep him company. As far as I know she didn't go, but years later I did find out there was at least some intimate physical contact. My wife has always claimed ignorance and innocence in relation to that situation. I think she loved the attention, and is really good at lying to herself about why she does certain things, and what she is or isn't aware of.
After she had been gone about 18 months she started to warm up to moving back, and eventually we moved her back. I was really excited to have my family back, but it was obvious we were nowhere near back to "normal". Our problems returned, and the marriage has been in rough shape ever since. About 7 years after returning, she sat me down and said she had a "relationship" with a guy I went to school with while we were separated. She said it was short lived and just a lot of making out. She said there were "no orgasms". Once she got that off her chest she went on as if nothing changed. I was in shock and disbelief. I had a million questions, and I know 2 of the first questions I asked her were 1) did they start having intercourse but stopped and 2) did they start having oral sex but stopped. She said no to both. For the most part, for the next 3 years she tried her best to sweep it under the rug. Knowing what I know now, I should have divorced her right then and there.
For the longest time I was devastated. The fact that she was acting as if nothing happened made it all the much worse. After a couple of years of giving her the benefit of the doubt, I started to snap out of it. I decided to turn my life around and become the man that any and every woman would want to be with. Basically I just went back to being who I was when I first met my wife. I started to hold her more accountable, and about a year ago she confessed she did suck his dick "but for like 5 seconds" and on another occasion they started having sex but stopped almost immediately. And at least on one occasion she stayed overnight at his place. The last year or so she has been swearing on everything holy, the bible, her mothers grave, and our childrens lives that she has told me everything and it was the truth.
A few days ago I found out that he also began giving her oral but stopped short. Also the "almost sex" happened in her bedroom at her parents house while our kids were sleeping. Today I found out this guy also came with her brothers to move her back home. I assumed they met through her brothers but I had no idea he came down with them to help her move. Also today I found out she had some kind of pen-pal relationship (as well as phone calls) with some guy who was in prison at the time that happened to be related to a friend of hers. There must be another half dozen things that came out over the last year that I had no idea about.
A lot of her family knew about this relationship. Out of all the times I visited them, not a word was said. The effects of trying to internalize this and make sense of it has almost destroyed my sanity. The worst part of all is the gas-lighting. My gut was right from the start, yet I was fed a steady diet of lies.
Again tonight, she swears I know everything. My gut says its bullshit and she sucked him and fucked him every which way. I dont know a single man (and probably not even a woman) that would believe the story I am supposed to believe. She has followed the cheaters script at every turn. The only reason I have not left yet, is because I know that I am very difficult to live with.
Im not afraid of moving on without her, Im not afraid of having to replace her. That said she is really important to me. She had my kids (I assume there mine). We have a lot of fun together. We look like the picture perfect American family. The things she has admitted to are not yet a deal breaker, if they are true. I cant afford to believe they are true though, so I dont. Ive been making plans to move out for a while to get some clarity. My wife did post her story on the wayward forum, so hopefully we can both get some insight in to how to begin reconciling or how to start moving on.
