SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I still remember it like it was yesterday. The hour (about 9:00 p.m.), dark out, kids watching some cartoons in their jammies. Me connecting her phone to the computer and running the program that would reveal hundreds of text messages that finally revealed the depth and breadth of her affair. The feeling of my blood running cold and my mind racing as to what to do next. Confront? Leave? Take all her clothes and thrown them in pile in our cul de sac and light them on fire.

At last, I decided, the kids did nothing to deserve that trauma, so I created a firewall inside of my soul to protect them and chose to confront her privately in our living room. I opened a bottle of wine and when she arrived, I toasted with her "to the truth and the friendship it brings".

Fast forward to today. After a year of solid hell, followed by years of therapy, book reading, podcast listenting, TED talks and long talks into the night with my WS, she is finally a bona fide fWS. She discovered that the AP was cheating on her too. Maybe even with an underage girl. He was pure garbage. And the whole time my love was true. I had never cheated (we don't count porn use and occasional strip clubs attendance as cheating because I always was honest about it with her, sometimes we would even share that as part of our foreplay, and since dishonesty is a cornerstone of cheating...), and so the blame and responsibility for this horrendous affair was clearly all on her.

I felt for her. It was a lot to take on. I could see the pain it put her through to realize her integrity was shattered. She was someone who valued integrity and justice above all else and here she was bringing devastation to our marriage and family and to her soul mate just to sleep with a snake, a scorpio without a shred of dignity. Probably a sex addict without a sense of decency.

But now, it finally feels like it is in our rear view mirror. It had been months since I even needed to come onto SI. I used to post nearly ever day. Post and read. Read and follow all the great advice. I did not CAUSE the affair. I am ENOUGH! I did not ONE thing to deserve being treated so badly, to have my mind raped over and over by the mind movies. I cannot believe how healed I feel. The triggers I learned to lean into and not avoid, finally feel powerless over me. I can even write this without feeling like crying, an impossibility as little as a year ago.

Our relationship has improved. It not anything like it was before. We live in it, day to day. I promise no more than that. I am MY OWN soulmate. I am my own best friend. I stay and work on this new relationship with fWS ONLY so long as it works for me. If she acts out of love, there is a hint of cheating/flirting/etc. I know I have the strength and resolve to walk out that very second I discover it. I have a room with friend I can move in with without notice. I even have female friends ready to comfort me and have offered to be my port in the storm. Yeah, I deserve that, so don't judge me. No more all eggs in one basket for me. Actions have CONSEQUENCES. I have learned to take care of me first.

I am filled with gratitude for this community. All the sage counsel and all the SUPPORT!!! I could not have gotten here without you. I will be checking on this post for the next week to see the responses. Tell me how YOU are doing. Ask me advanced questions if you are struggling. I could teach a fucking course on this shit now.

Peace and love and hugs and loyalty to all of you who have been betrayed in this way. You will find a way to feel safe again. Mostly with yourselves. Learn to be happy alone first, then add others as YOU see fit on your terms.

Excellent post. Thank you for sharing.

We are doing well too.

It is GOOD to see you in here again...and with such a GREAT update too my friend !!!

My H and I are happily reconciling...and the gaping wound he inflicted on me and our M has healed and the scar tissue left behind has made our M stronger!

THANKS so much for sharing such a POSITIVE story...and “paying it forward” like the ones who were here for you did .

That's a good update. It appears there are many different types of reconciliations. As for you, you're not putting all of your eggs in one basket. Same for me. But it's that fact that torments me.

You don't trust her as before (just to be Captain Obvious). But you trust her some. What level of trust did you have to have before you determined that she was a formerly wayward?

@AlphaBeta: I trust her differently. I still have her passwords to her phone and email, but I don't check on her constantly. In fact, it's only rarely, like if she fails to respond to a text message for an inordinate time or some other anomaly in her schedule. She has time and time again passed the test, each time I have checked where she is, or just done a quick look at her text messages. More importantly, we talk deeply about our feelings and she makes my intuition and gut feel good about things. She is amazing in the bedroom and let's me know in dozens of small ways that she is truly into me.

Part of this healing is that we've both worked on the marriage. I have changed too. I am much more open emotionally and communicative. I am less harsh in our arguments and put an end to bickering before it blows up into a huge fight. She notices and let's go before it gets too bitter. These were contributing factors to her ability to rationalize the affair. Not causes, but part of the whole picture.

I don't put all my eggs in her basket, but I am also not playing the field or having a revenge affair. I'm still monogamous. But my heart knows it could end at any time. Either of us could end it. We're not trapped but choosing each other each day. And it feels like play more often than work. Hope that helps.

Good to read your positive update, Aumanny! 4 years here, too, and I feel I've conquered the final hill. Life has returned to a new, improved normal. With the typical squabbles and successes of most typical marriages. I think we're going to be okay, but if not, I've learned what I need to go forward on my own. My H is no longer W, but he's not perfect and at times I see why our M went off the rails when it did, well before his A season. But we're working to be better partners for one another, which is very new to us.

4 years is a long time to battle infidelity. Thank you for sharijng your update! Cheers to you and all other vets out there.

[This message edited by psychmom at 9:22 PM, November 7th (Wednesday)]

Aumanny99 Thank you for this inspiring post.

Question: when, for you, did the disgust of the physical aspect leave you? I cherished my wife’s body... but now? I’m very sad that the deep intimacy has gone away. Sex is painful most days. Mindmovies are there but EMDR softened them quite a bit. I don’t know anymore. This is year two and the pain is VERY different. I never thought I was unworthy or unattractive. I know it wasn’t my fault. I just haven’t been able to get a grip on the “used goods” aspect of her having sex with someone else. She was naked with another man... a lot. This data point has been a hurdle I cannot seem to shake.

Side note: my WW has done everything she can to make me feel safe. She’s an ideal partner now. Remorseful and working on herself.

I’m just not feeling the same about her. It troubles me as I’m very afraid that I am now sentenced to this feeling. Sex just doesn’t have the same rewards for me anymore. Her sexual experience with the AP sickens me.

I think I remember your early posts, and I'm so glad you came out of those depths of despair. It's great to read how far you've come.

I'm so glad for both of you that your W has become a good partner. Obviously, you'd thrive even without that, but it's really nice to have a partner....

BTW, my experience has been that a relationship can keep getting better. The love we felt for each other 10, 20, 30, more years ago just isn't as deep or as satisfying as it is now. I wish you continued growth and partnership.

@STBXH: The "disgust" as you call it, ended after a very intense period of hysterical bonding sex. It felt primal to reclaim her in this way for me. We did it in such a passionate and ultra physical way, using positions and techniques we never dared to even try before. I don't want to get into the details out of respect for my wife and for this site. But I will let you imagine what that was like. It felt like what a new couple goes through in discovering one another. From a male perspective, I wanted to destroy any remnants of fond memories of the AP she might have had and replace them with new memories of a period of passion and intensity, with new peaks that eclipsed anything else.

Afterward, in the years to come, I would have PTSD type flashbacks from time to time, but as I learned in therapy, instead of suppressing those mind movies, I leaned into them. This was excruciating at times, but led to more objectivity. I started to watch the mind movies as adult movies for my enjoyment. I figured if I was going to leave her over this, I might as well enjoy them. This was like a brain hack, because it totally took the power away from the movies, and turned them into fuel for my own lusty fire.

Part of this is very individual. Some people marry someone they see as pure and the thought of them EVER being with ANYONE else ever is disgusting. This is not how I think at all. Neither of us were virgins when we first got together. I was never disgusted by her exes before we got together. The key here is to turn the AP into just another ex. But to do that, I need to break up with her post DD and get together with her again, as if from the beginning, as a new start. For many, this might mean a period of living apart, no sex at all, not even kissing, to create that break from the past. My therapist recommended the opposite so I went with that. But each person is different.

Here's the thing though: Is this disgust feeling not going away? How much time have you given it? If it does not seem to be fading, you owe it to yourself to break it off and leave her. She deserves to know you feel disgusted with her and nothing she is doing is erasing that feeling. No one can dictate to you how you SHOULD feel. Your feelings are fair and just for YOU. Stand up for yourself and don't settle.

Usually, they say time will erode this feeling and it will just fade. NOT true if you need to feel it and don't want to let it go. Part of you is choosing that feeling, maybe because for you her affair was simply unforgivable. You are entitled to YOUR judgment. You are the king of your life, the master of your domain. If she needs to be permanently demoted out of your life, so be it. Forcing yourself to live in disgust is ridiculous.

Give me strategies a try, but don't wait forever to leave if you truly cannot be happy with her.

We will support you no matter what. You were the victim. But now, it's in your hands how you react and what actions YOU take. Take control of your life and live it to the fullest.

[This message edited by Aumanny99 at 11:34 AM, November 8th (Thursday)]

@sisoon: Yes, our love has deepened. Having survived the affair storm, has made us re-think our lives and our love. Do we love each other? Why? What makes the relationship worth saving? Are we willing to do the work? Is she willing to take FULL responsibility? Am I strong enough to not blame myself? Are we willing to forgive and start anew? Is the chemistry between based on healthy love?

The answer to these questions has led us to very deep and abiding and very sexy love. I did not know this was possible. There are no easy answers and the future is still uncertain. But that is part of what makes this journey exciting, isn't it?

I would have PTSD type flashbacks from time to time, but as I learned in therapy, instead of suppressing those mind movies, I leaned into them. This was excruciating at times, but led to more objectivity. I started to watch the mind movies as adult movies for my enjoyment.

I appreciate your sharing how you dealt with this aspect. I think a lot of us struggle with post DDay sex and it helps learning of a technique to manage it.

Thank you