I haven’t been an active poster in a long while but I come in and read when I need some logic. This topic has been discussed here many times and in the last four years I have established my own interpretation of it. My husbands AP was 22 years younger than him, 14 years younger than me. On Dday the photos I saw of her were enough to tank my self esteem pretty hard. She was young and pretty and she had been with my husband that night and must have been so amazing he lied to our daughter about running late to pick her up from work and lied to me about his activities for a few weeks. I struggled with the photos I saw of her and there were many. As the days past and I endured the hell that is infidelity aftermath, I noticed a few things about her such as her beautiful nails were fake, she bit her own nails down to nubs; her eyelashes were threaded and not as luxurious as they appeared and her hair was a wig, albeit a very good one. For a time I satisfied myself with those comforts, that I was the real deal and even at 41, I was beautiful and authentic. Yes she was a promiscuous, naive young woman who inlater discovered had 5 children with as many different men, all of whom were in foster care. I joked about it with my best friend and was horrified about it at the same time. The reality was however, that mocking her or laughing at her sad life did not change the fact that my husband had cheated on me and broke his marriage vows, altering our history forever. When I met her in person 7 months after Dday, she was pregnant with her 6th child. She was very tall, awkwardly so and had big feet and poor fashion sense. More over she was sonbroken in her life and very lost. In that moment I realized if it wasn’t her it would have been someone else. Another broken soul who really didn’t think much enough of herself to not jump into bed at the nearest hot sheets motel with a man she barely knew for 48 hours. And to continue that for three weeks, never sharing a meal or going to a movie. She never knew h was marrried until the weekend preceding Dday. She gets a lot of male attention on her social media and now has 7 kids, 6 of which are in foster care still. With an 8 th grade education she will never earn money enough to support those kids and have them with her. The kind of men she attracts are not doctors or lawyers or stock traders. She still lives home with her mother.
Since that dday I have since learned the identity of a previous OW. This two night affair happened when I was much younger and in better shape. The OW was a year older than I and while we weren’t friends she and I had friends in common and knew he was married. Yet she chose to have sex with my H in a garage, not even a hotel or car or her apartment. She is not attractive. Gangly, unkempt and not as concerned about her appearance as I in fact was then and still am. But she was broken. Never married, no children and has never lived on her own. Today she is missing half of her teeth and looks 20 years older than me instead of one.
The truth of the matter is that you can put lipstick on a pig and it’s still a pig. A few extra pounds, a couple of wrinkles around the eyes and a sprinkling of silver hair do not take away from the woman I am and the love and commitment I made 25 years ago. I am the mother of his children. I helped him bury his father and continue to help care for his mother. I struggled with reconciliation for the first two years and I even posted in D/S once or twice. He married me for more than my looks. He has spent the last four years doing hard work on himself so he can improve his chances of not cheating again. He is recommitted to our marriage in a way he has not ever before done which is why I stay.
Did he affair down? Of course. But a broken person is only capable of attracting broken. Physical traits do not disguise poor morals, low expectations and a lost soul. Whether an affair partner is a stranger or acquaintance, whether they know what relationship status a prospective sex partner has or not...they are not as beautiful as you are. It took me a long time to understand that and believe it. The kind members here said to me over and over again. You can take take then at their word.
[This message edited by Marie2792 at 11:41 PM, November 10th (Saturday)]
Me: BS,48 (41 at dday)Him: WS, 56 (49 at dday)Married 27 years, together 30 Dday : 9/9/14 3 week PA
