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So don’t get me wrong, in any circumstance the AP is less than the spouse. The wayward is always, always affairing down. The AP has no morals, and in all the ways that matter aren’t a good person.

But it sucks when she’s prettier than you and you just randomly think of it through the day.

Blah!!! Just needed to get that out!

Gently, if it was YOU who was prettier...there would be something else about her that you would randomly think about. We tend to obsess over many things...but in the end...NO Betrayed would want to switch places with ANY adultery co-conspirator. Integrity is a very BEAUTIFUL trait . One day you won’t see her “beauty”...you will see her brokenness...and THAT isn’t pretty at all.

This is a hard one for me, because, in my view, it's simply not possible that every AP is a "step down" in all aspects. Overall, yes, I think that most are not as good as the spouse (taken holistically). But my W's AP, he was/is a much better talker than I am. He's was much better at saying things and telling her things that made her like/love him. He's a bit taller than me. He has aspects that are "better" than I am. And that's hard to stomach, especially when it comes to sexual things (for me personally). But there are, no doubt, male and female APs out there who are incredible in bed. The best sexual experience of your life kind of stuff. They do exist, perhaps in a higher than average proportion because they get more practice (and know what works for more people). And I know there are AP's out there better "equipped" than I am. Just like there are AP's out there thinner/tighter/etc than my wife. It's hard to accept but I know it's true.

Now, the really hard one.. There are better men than me out there. Now, I say this with a pretty positive self image, good luck finding him (is what I'd say to my wife), but I know he's out there. Just a "better version" of me. Now, that said, it's almost 100% that you will not meet him as an AP, but, if my W and I D'ed, yes, I'm sure it's possible that she'd find a person who was "better" or, perhaps a little softer, a "better fit" for her.

I'm sure there are aspects of her AP that my W wishes I'd emulate or had. I know it intellectually, but it's really hard to accept.

Overall, I think it's true, most A's are a "downgrade" for the WS. Men who are looking for an A usually have to cast a "wide net", trying many times to "land" a willing participant. It's hard to be "picky" if you're dead set on having an A. And morally, assuming the AP knows, it's almost always a downgrade. Someone willing to do that to another person (the BS) is morally compromised to a significant degree, it's part of the reason, IMHO, why A's rarely turn into anything lasting. It's too hard to see past what the other person did to their BS and picture yourself (as you should!) as being the next person to have that done to you.

Want2BHappyAgain is so so right. I was obsessed with thinking that one of my ex's AP's was prettier and more talented than I. After 8 months I ran into her at the bar that she works at. In my mind, her looks morphed into her dodgy decision making and sleazy reputation. I wouldn't trade with her for anything. Nothing about her is beautiful or talented.

I know for a fact that I would find any non-cheater much more attractive than any cheater. If we're talking the 1-10 scale, cheating automatically cuts in half the cheater's attractiveness,while the non-cheater gets a (+2).

[This message edited by GoldenR at 9:34 PM, November 11th (Sunday)]

This reminds me of something actor George Burns said. When he was 100 or so, he was asked in an interview if he ever cheated on his wife, Gracie, when she was alive. He thought about the uncomfortable question for a moment and finally admitted he had several times. When asked why, he stated that Gracie was not a beautiful woman and he cheated with beautiful women. Then he paused and added that if had been married to Marilyn Monroe, he would have cheated with ugly women.

The moral of the story for the purposes of this thread is that people betray for the sake of betraying and not necessarily for what the AP looks like. So it really doesn't matter.

My H was addicted to the A because it was easy. No kids. No mortgage. No sick relatives. No bills to pay. No crazy schedule. No responsibility. No housework or chores. Just go out and have fun. Which we were also doing but it wasn’t “new and exciting”.

But with her he couid pretend to be something else. She believed all his lies and crap. She saw a Corp exec with a nice car and money. Well traveled. Interesting. Funny.

She didn’t see his inc mplete projects at home. She didn’t see his conflict avoidance personality and how he buries his head in the sand. She didn’t see that his wife was sobbing on the floor at DDay1 and he just stepped over me to go to a BBQ and left me there. She didn’t see his utter selfishness until he dumped her at Dday2.

His AP was not special. She was just there filling a need he had. A need to flee his “boring” life and pretend to be something or someone else.

Funny how the 3x he wanted a D I said “ok”. The last time I said he was free to go and be with her (OW). I’m was not stopping him - funny how he quickly realized he didn’t really want her and begged and pleaded for me to reconsider.

The AP in my case had two things I didn’t - she was 29 and new to him. That made her exciting initially. But when she started pressing him to leave me - to be with her - I guess her true colors showed and she lost her appeal.

Winner winner chicken dinner as my nieces say

[This message edited by The1stWife at 9:10 PM, November 9th (Friday)]

Even if you think the OW is prettier than you, beauty is in the eyes of the beholder. There are plenty of people that would disagree. Also, ugly goes straight to the bone. So although the external wrapper may be attractive, the inside is a rotting, filthy piece of shit. She has nothing on you and has nothing that you want.

This is a hard one for me, because, in my view, it's simply not possible that every AP is a "step down" in all aspects. Overall, yes, I think that most are not as good as the spouse (taken holistically). But my W's AP, he was/is a much better talker than I am. He's was much better at saying things and telling her things that made her like/love him. He's a bit taller than me. He has aspects that are "better" than I am. And that's hard to stomach, especially when it comes to sexual things (for me personally). But there are, no doubt, male and female APs out there who are incredible in bed. The best sexual experience of your life kind of stuff. They do exist, perhaps in a higher than average proportion because they get more practice (and know what works for more people). And I know there are AP's out there better "equipped" than I am. Just like there are AP's out there thinner/tighter/etc than my wife. It's hard to accept but I know it's true.

You left out loyalty, integrity and honesty. Cheaters never have those qualities. If that's what a wayward wants let them have at it. There's a better life to live without them.

Now, the really hard one.. There are better men than me out there. Now, I say this with a pretty positive self image, good luck finding him (is what I'd say to my wife), but I know he's out there. Just a "better version" of me. Now, that said, it's almost 100% that you will not meet him as an AP, but, if my W and I D'ed, yes, I'm sure it's possible that she'd find a person who was "better" or, perhaps a little softer, a "better fit" for her.

There is no "the only one" or "soulmate". There are others that could fit that bill. Again it's the package taken as a whole.

I'm sure there are aspects of her AP that my W wishes I'd emulate or had. I know it intellectually, but it's really hard to accept.

So what. It's the whole package that counts.

Overall, I think it's true, most A's are a "downgrade" for the WS. Men who are looking for an A usually have to cast a "wide net", trying many times to "land" a willing participant. It's hard to be "picky" if you're dead set on having an A. And morally, assuming the AP knows, it's almost always a downgrade. Someone willing to do that to another person (the BS) is morally compromised to a significant degree, it's part of the reason, IMHO, why A's rarely turn into anything lasting. It's too hard to see past what the other person did to their BS and picture yourself (as you should!) as being the next person to have that done to you.

It's exiting, new and illicit until it isn't. Then the reality of what they lost comes into play if they have a shred of decency. If they don't then it really doesn't matter now does it?

They never figure on the consequences when some one like you takes a hard stand, doesn't wallow and ends it fast.

You see they thought they were the prize until it dawns on them you were.

[This message edited by Marz at 11:51 PM, November 9th (Friday)]

So don’t get me wrong, in any circumstance the AP is less than the spouse. The wayward is always, always affairing down. The AP has no morals, and in all the ways that matter aren’t a good person.

But it sucks when she’s prettier than you and you just randomly think of it through the day.

Blah!!! Just needed to get that out!

I'm a tall good looking guy and could have had my pick but I'm also smart. It's the whole package that matters long term. A smart person looks deeper than superficial beauty.

Your problem is you married a dumbass.

Ive seen this subject pop up several times in recently. My view on this is the AP may be physically different from the BS. Younger more attractive, whatever. It goes without saying APs are pieces of crap. That is really not the point, they are irrelevant. My take on the A is (and why I won't make it to R) the A makes the WS inferior to the BS. As a BS you can look in the mirror each morning and be secure in the knowledge you are a better person than your lying cheating POS WS. It's not about comparing yourself to some stranger. Its realizing your WS isnt a quality human being.

It's times like this that I thank my cheating wife for shielding me from things. Much like how she blocked me on social media and it helped me maintain no contact even better (blocked on Linkedin so I couldn't find the coworker AP in her connections, blocked elsewhere so she doesn't have to be reminded that I exist in the world, the person that, yes, she in fact cheated on and abandoned). She didn't tell me who the AP is because she didn't want me blowing up his spot, maybe because he's married, maybe because she thought I'd confront him (and in the first 2-3 weeks, I might have).

But I have no idea what he looks like, what his capabilities are as a partner, nothing. He's just some asshole in the world who scoops up married women. That's all I need to know to realize that those two aren't going to last forever. Good.

I started a very similar thread recently... and I can see that it doesn’t matter what the affair partner looks like... you struggle with the whys either way.

My STBX has left me and his two small boys for a woman prettier, younger, two small children the same age as mine, I deal with dreadful feelings of inadequacy and feeling like I let my beautiful boys down by not holding onto their father by being ‘more’. It’s hell. And all the rational thought in the world doesn’t stop these thoughts flooring me at times.

But I pick myself up and try to remember that I’d rather be me with my two beautiful boys battling through single motherhood, with my aging face and kind heart than her. She’s won no prize. And he’s ended up with a monster underneath all the glitter.

(((So confusing)))

"If a person has ugly thoughts, it begins to show on the face. And when that person has ugly thoughts every day, every week, every year, the face gets uglier and uglier until you can hardly bear to look at it.

[This message edited by ibonnie at 2:03 AM, November 10th (Saturday)]

The big question is "why would you want to be with someone who's that superficial"?

That's really a bad reflection on you.

I understand this. I used to think my exH ap was much prettier than me even though I was 15 years younger and it really hurt me. I was very young and vulnerable at the time and thought I was hideous by the time my narcissistic ex was through with me. The very sad result was that I put myself through numerous and unneeded cosmetic procedures (boobs, nose x2, chin, lips fillers and Botox) all before I was out of my 20s.

I really fixated on the appearance aspect although this has a lot to do with my disfunctional upbringing - my sister and I were constantly valued and appraised on our looks by our mother, and reinforced by emotional abuse from my ex.

The funny thing is, that now I’m the age she was I came across a photo of her from back then on one of my ex’s family members social media and she wasn’t really that pretty at all. Plus she wore really age innapropriate clothing, nasty overbleached hair and looked like she probably had an eating disorder and was herself botoxed to the point of caricature. I can see her for what she was, a woman desperate to hold onto her youth who was ruled by insecurity (also BPD I believe but that’s another story!)

I eventually became comfortable with my appearance, no more Botox or cosmetic enhancements for me and at the age she was am accomplished, confident, happy and with the best man I’ve ever known to exist. I believe that she’s still single (she and ex had a drawn out drama filled relationship which ultimately ended when he met someone who could provide better narcissistic supply) and I dare say is still extremely insecure.

You might think OW is prettier but there’s probably a lot of ugliness and turmoil under the surface and in time you’ll move on from this, she’s stuck with herself

[This message edited by yuvas at 2:12 AM, November 10th (Saturday)]

I was expecting Tarzan and my wife's paramour was Cheetah. He is over 20 years younger than her or me.

I am always so blown away by how supportive and helpful you all are! Thank you!!

This isn’t something I constantly dwell on, but some days it pops into my head and I just feel crummy.

I have grown a lot since Dday and even more since I realized I was the only one of us in R. We are now separated and I’m focusing on me and my kids and trying to not think about all the junk constantly.

I wholeheartedly agree that being beautiful on the outside isn’t the goal. It’s being a beautiful person on the inside. Having integrity, being kind, all of the things that make someone a good person.

AP’s don’t have that inner beauty, and yet I’m a female and so I tend to take into account the physical aspect more than I should. Lol

Your problem is you married a dumbass.

Marz honestly this made me laugh out loud! I love how straight to the point you are!

SMSA, I actually find your point incredibly insightful. I have felt similar things, it’s hard to not turn it into a prideful “Holier than though” kind of thing, but I do feel as though I’d be settling to stay. He’s not quality person, and I’d like to think I am.

IBonnie, I haven’t read that quote before, I love love it!!! Saving that for later!

Dragonfly, I may have the timeline wrong, but I think we are at a similar place in our journey, recently separated, and focusing on my kids has been so great for both them and me. I am such a better mom when I am not constantly dealing with all the drama that came with being with him.

You might think OW is prettier but there’s probably a lot of ugliness and turmoil under the surface and in time you’ll move on from this, she’s stuck with herself

Yuvas excellent point.

My XW is certainly a high functioning cheater. Stuck the landing, left me to marry someone else who is now the kids' stepdad.

Far as I know she can fool and bully everyone in her life. She lost the friends that were attached to me. But I'm sure AP has his own friends. Maybe she likes them better.

She stands to inherit a lot of money. She has that too.

Maybe she can fool the world. Not my problem. I just coparent the kids and need to say my FUs to her.

All I know is that I would not cast her as Scrooge in A Christmas Carol. It would be nothing but excuses and justifications. She would learn nothing. The show would close in one night!

if my W and I D'ed, yes, I'm sure it's possible that she'd find a person who was "better" or, perhaps a little softer, a "better fit" for her.

RIO, it’s far more likely if you guys D’ed, you’d find someone far superior to your WW then the other way around. You see, the bar is set really low with replacing waywards.