SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So he finally gave me the truth........why do they lie for so long?

I’m not angry, I’m not surprised, I’m nothing.......

I don’t know why they lie for so long. One of the many things that makes this so tough.

To me, TT did more long term damage than the infidelities. It helped to hear a podcast infidelity expert say that spouses who really want to keep the marriage are the ones who TT. They want to protect their image in our eyes.

Remember they make the decision to betray us and all of their values through infidelity rather than face their real issues. Why in the world would they be stronger and more able to face those issues after they have shown us their weakness? They make it worse for themselves.

That's my logical brain answering. Here's the answer from my emotions - $%#@$!

TT #1 dday did you use protection? This was something he knew I took very seriously, we talked about this and agreed if ever either was stupid enough to cheat we would not put the other in danger, crazy but I really felt strongly about this.

So his answer was Yes. He showed me a box of condoms he bought. I believed it, for a while. Until my gut said ask again. Finally after weeks or even months I got first TT on this. Yes he used them but only a few times but then they stopped. To say I was was devestated, horrified and scared for my health is an understatement!

Reasons I was given then:

1. She couldn’t get pregnant so they didn’t need them.

2. It’s how it was in their day (no mention she could have had a Fn disease!). He’s not hugely older than me and protection was certainly, part of my days!!

3. He’d been with her years ago, knew her to be okay and she was married now too so thought she’d be okay! Omfg!

Again I believed him why wouldn’t I? What difference now in admitting he stoped using them to admit he never did? But again a month or so later I questioned that. I kept questioning it for close to a year maybe. He has stuck to his story until now.

Final TT on this - “No” he never even once used protection with her.

We have been in a really bad place recently and partly because I just knew in my heart he was still hiding the full truth. I think this has held back and now set back our R.

TT #2 I can’t even bring myself to think about right now but to say similar to above, I got part of an admission last year, but omission of the most important part. I don’t know what to do now. I’m now feeling a mix of emotions and a really heavy sadness in my heart.

Have you told him that you need the truth, all of it, and getting it selectively will kill R?

Behaviors are odd and yet predictable. We as humans do not change unless we are impacted. That's a good general rule and one I had to learn the hard way. I don't think my WS took me seriously until I started changing my behavior - getting my own bank account and a post nup.

Where are you on the journey? Can you make some changes for you that will help you feel empowered by establishing new and different boundaries?

Waywards while they are being wayward live in an alternate fantasy world where their lies are believed and they get what they want because they want it. Ditto to the other posters that said TT does more damage and erodes more trust than the actual disclosure. It is very hard to trust when the improbably lies keep coming. "No, I don't recognize those texts. They must be from someone who keyed in the wrong number." Uh huh.

I suspect you are not angry, surprised, or anything because you have zero trust left so nothing said can have any impact. You are relationally at rock bottom and numb. A smart WS would realize, "Gee, I have nothing to lose at this point so I might as well fully disclose everything and start rebuilding trust from a new foundation." Nope.

Hang in there Angel...your user name says it all. You will get there!

Isurvivedsofar, yes he had been told over and over the damage TT does. He thought if he told me in part it was not as bad as full lying or as devestating as the full truth. He thought with the first lot of TT I would let it go. Part of me wishes I did but I couldn’t ignore my gut. He didn’t get it, to me the TT it’s so much worse, the lies, damn lies! I’ve gone through hell knowing in my gut there was more, him not giving me the full truth. He had the power to help me heal faster and held it back. I’ve struggled to heal and I think this is why.

Toabetter30th, I kept saying is there anything else? He said ask anything I needed so we went over other things that plagued me but he’s not TT any further but who knows now!? We have been here before! I have nothing left to trust, you described it perfectly. I feel sooooooo stupid again.

Also the realisation that there is nothing left special fior us that he didn’t do with her. Nothing. I

Yep TT plays with the brain. Makes you think your going crazy because the input doesn't match the output.Funny how it takes them so long to come around. Protecting ones ego seems to override common decency. Took months to get the"truth". Or what their version is to protect what little integrity they have left if any. Found it baffling on how many people during it start the lies. One thing for sure for me. I found out who my friends were and who they were not. That was a lesson I will not soon forget. I did do this though before I confronted my ww with the facts prior to D day. I read a ton of info on how to get someone to tell you the truth written by ex cops and interrogators. And how to tell when someone is lying.When I confronted her I stayed calm told her what I knew and how I knew it. She admitted most of it right then. It took a while longer to get the rest. I find and some might not that if they aren't getting bombarded by our pain they seem to open up. But it takes a monumental amount of inner strength to pull it off. I prepared myself for almost two weeks before I confronted her. But it wasn't my first rodeo either.

Angel he cannot understand it because it doesn't impact him - it impacts you. Make it impact him.

The condom lie was one of my TT discoveries, too. That was the one that really broke me. (Like you said, nothing special left between us.) The subsequent TTs were actually worse lies from an objective standpoint, but the first TT that told me he is not the person i thought i married was the worse.

Most people in affairs are there for the risk, the illicitness, and the self destruction. Not using a condom is part of the game. There could be disease but also it could have resulted in another child. If she could lie to her husband, how could he trust her about being on contraceptive? They are not thinking straight during an affair.

May be now is the time to sit him down and have him tell you anything else while he has nothing else to lose.

My wife of 26 years let my best friend bareback her for almost three years. She lied about this for six months after I discovered the affair. She adamantly maintained that they always used condoms.

They never used condoms.

Liars lie.

Think of a time you have trickled the truth in your life, about anything. We’ve ALL done it at one point in time or another, about something. The reasons are simple:protect the self or (and sometimes and) protect someone else from something. The thought process is profoundly similar.

I recall when my father was in a massive motorcycle accident. He was severely injured..neck broken in three places, total facial reconstructive surgery, over 9 months of inpatient treatment. For a few weeks it did not look as if he’d survive. My fathers mother was in her 80s at the time and my fathers younger brother had been killed on a motorcycle years before so I decided not to tell her if the accident, at first to see if he would survive the night, then to see if he would survive the surgery. Once he survived the first surgery on day 4 I decided to tell her that he’d been in an accident but I lessened the severity significantly, making it seem like he had a few bruises but nothing to worry about. As time went on I told her a little more of the truth but tried not to panic her. As he got better she learned more and eventually he came to visit her so she saw for herself.

Basically I use this as an example NOT because it’s the same thing except I can relate a bit to trickle truth as a way of trying to protect someone or even yourself. I’m not saying I can relate to the TT my WH did for over a year but I understand the REASON that TT happens. It’s not an excuse but more of a tool for ME to realize that this is not such an unusual phenomena...which makes me feel a bit better about me and my self esteem doesn’t take such a big hit.

It really blows my mind how often BS are lied to about WS using condoms. The life risking behaviour is unforgivable. And I’m still unsure if this TT is the deal breaker now. I’ve been very flat since finding out and ws is terrified it’s over and it’s why he only gave half truths. I honestly can’t say what I want to do now. For the first time ever, I said to him I wished I’d never been with him this pain almost out weighs all the good faithful years.

Thisissolonely, thanks for the reply and I do understand the reasoning behind some tt, but in an infidelity situation I feel that the WS watching the bs suffer, it’s nothing short of cruel and selfish to continue to hide the information they are asking for. I believe in my case if stupid ws had got it out earlier I could have processed and moved on quicker but I’ve been processing only on my gut feelings and have been stalling R for most of this year.

[This message edited by Angelvictorious at 6:16 AM, November 25th (Sunday)]

I’m so sorry you have gone through TT like I did. It truly is traumatic. It feels like torture. It feels like you can’t find an even ground to stand on. It feels...unsafe. It proves they still lie. On the flip side, once you have all the truth you can start to heal. R will not be successful without truth. Even if you don’t are, you can still heal. TT starts the clock all over again and makes it harder.

Why do they do it?

Self-protection I think there are many other rationalizations/justifications but it really does come back to that.

Jesusismyanchor, that’s exactly how it is. This is what I tried to get through to him that TT sets things back and makes it harder to move forward and me to never fully feel safe even when there is nothing he is doing to make me question him or really to feel unsafe about. It’s the knowing “something doesn’t make sense and until I can process the truth I can’t go fully into R with him.

On a breakthrough note, I had a sex question pop in my head that wasn’t that important to know the answer but I asked to see if that answer would change just so I wouldn’t need to ask it again, because my instincts told me the answer so far wasn’t really true but knowing it would put it to rest and not alter anything for me at this point, if that makes sense?

He answered quickly like he always did, his go to answer! A red flag went up. I said is that you’re answer at this point? Because we are at the very bottom of the barrel, we can’t go any lower now, it’s not going to make me decide any faster what to do and anymore deciet will kill R off forever, and so again I ask for the final answer? He changed it to the truth. And it really makes no difference to my decision. But if I feel he can finally “get it” what the TT does to me and stop answering in half truths, then it will make a huge difference to our recovery if that’s what I chose. I said to him once I have the full truth, I won’t ask whatever question again, I will not need to. We had a really good discussion about it and he said he does understand.

I think (really hope) he does now because before he would have stuck to the answer he gave and I’d be here in a few months after chipping away at it to reaveal the true answer, he has never change an answer that quick. So that’s why I’m thinking it’s a breakthrough.

Any thoughts welcome on that.

His big fear was and right now is me leaving. He was so scared I’d leave after I got the full truth to my questions. And the stupid thing is that the half truths were almost on par of being as bad as just giving the full truth at the time, he should have just told me the. and got it over with in one hit.

For good measure I told him if instead of bagging SI for “ws bashing” he should haveactually read more in here, he would have learnt a lot faster how to come clean fully and why. And to top it off, I couldn’t help but say that for the most parts, SI helped keep me sane and a lot of advice was spot on. At least I don’t think I will cop any more shit about this place being a bad influence/advice from angry people and ws basher.

[This message edited by Angelvictorious at 4:45 PM, November 25th (Sunday)]

I eventually opted for a lie detector test because of TT: This was actually the only way I received FULL disclosure, and felt that I had received all the information. I think it is pretty common for WS to think they can’t tell you or you will leave. The truth is you might. They don’t get that you should have the full information to make an informed choice, or that discovering that they are hiding more can cause you to leave anyway.

I’m not sure what hurt more...knowing he did more or knowing he kept lying to me when I was alresdy so traumatized, or how hard I had to push just to get a truthful answer: I will say stay on something if you feel you don’t...you probably don’t have the truth. Once your eyes ar open, they are open and you know what to look for.

It sucks, like having a child. I’m going to ask you again Littke Johnny and now I want you to tell the truth this time 🙄.

I will say I’m glad he may be learning you will not settle for less and you are not so easily lied to. WS can take awhile to realize this. I hope that he gets to the point of telling the truth without you pushing for it.

Hugs to you