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Luna10,

I think I'm still in the place where you WH was as you describe. I too find us having a "good day" and just relishing the feeling of us seeming like "us" again. R is hard, hard work. IC is hard, hard work. Right now, even work is hard, hard work. A good day here and there can recharge a lot of emotional batteries and fill our empty hearts with hope. The last thing I want to do on a good day is to say, "Wow honey, what a great day we had! Hey, you know what we should do? We should talk about that time that fucked you over and ruined your ability to really ever full trust or love anyone again. Wanna?" Ok, I'm making light of it, but it's the truth. What I forget is that, no day is ever really a "good day" for her, and that talking about it seems to almost always help her. Even when talking doesn't go well, sometimes it helps just to have talked about it anyway. It is hard for me to wrap my brain around the fact that talking about it helps her. But it does.

I love what he said to you, and how he said it. My heart feels those things, but when I consider bringing the words from my heart to my lips, it never comes out right. I worry that (as an example) saying something like, "You don't have to suffer alone" implies somehow that I don't care enough to suffer, or that I'm judging her or telling her what's okay and not okay to feel, etc. I worry so much about hurting her more by saying the wrong thing, that I end up saying nothing, and often, saying nothing is so much worse than saying something wrong.

DaddyDom I’ll put something extra here because I think I wasn’t entirely clear the first time: my WH doesn’t have pity parties anymore. When he joins me in my anger he’s not feeling sorry for himself, he’s just acknowledging MY feelings. What do I mean by that? In the early days he’d go into “poor me” mode. Poor me I’m not your rock anymore. Poor me, I destroyed our marriage and it is oh so hard to fix it. Nowadays he acknowledges that he did what he did. That he had a loving, clever beautiful wife and he gave it all up for unicorn land. However he always tells me how he’s 100% committed to fix us. He tells me how I am the perfect match for him and no amount of work will make him give up because he doesn’t contemplate a life where we’re not together.

The truth is that when dday happened I decided that there are two ways for me to heal: suffer alone and heal or suffer together and recover our marriage. There’s no option for me to suffer alone and recover our marriage. I see a lot of cases on SI and in real world where the BS carries their pain alone with a hope that the marriage will survive. No sir, I will not quiet down my pain and carry it alone while my WH continues to live his life like nothing much happened. He can participate to our healing or GTFO.

You said you’re worried you may say something mean when you get triggered in an argument. That baffles me. What possible can you say mean to ISSF if you truly believe she’s the best woman you can live your life with? That she didn’t wash the dishes in time? That she didn’t bring you a coffee in bed on a Sunday morning? What is it? Because if you’re throwing mean stuff in her face then you really haven’t yet grasped the magnitude of the pain you caused her. I don’t know how my WH does it but in the last 10 months he truly put me on a pedestal. Only last night he told me again how grateful he is for putting myself through this pain for his happiness. Because ultimately that’s what I am doing. He knows me, he knows I don’t take shit and I usually cut and run.

So what are those mean things you’re afraid you may say? Because if you’re still repeating the mean behaviour you had during the A then you should truly asses why you’re seeing your wife in such a negative light. I can understand the concept of rewriting history during the affair to give yourself permission to act like a POS. My WH did this too. He turned me into a monster. But once the WS is out of the fog they should understand that concept themselves. And acknowledge that it was their fucked up mind who made them magnify human flaws their spouses had and ignore the qualities and positives.

You want to laugh? My WH told his ow I didn’t even make him a tea after him working all night. Which obviously means I didn’t appreciate him or cared for him. I know he believed it at the time. However he truly ignored the fact that he was “working” (talking to his ow) every night for two hours from his work laptop. While me, his wife, was doing dinner, caring for the kids and looking forward to an hour of snuggling up on the sofa with my husband. Do you think he told his ow how appreciative he is that his wife is doing all that so he can talk to the her?

Anyway I went on a tangent, I am obviously still in massive pain and still projecting.

I wanted to tell you two more things: my WH started to open these conversations about how I am feeling and the affair (I can see you’re in pain, please talk to me) when he realised that with each conversation things improve. When he realised that him opening those conversations even if we had a good day and laughed all day are the missing part of the puzzle. Guess what, when he talks to me himself without me mentioning anything, it takes away the need in me to remind him of my pain. Do you show appreciation daily for the gift she’s given you? Because nothing makes me feel better than when my WH comes to me, hugs me out of nowhere and says “I am so greateful to be given a chance to still be in your life”. And when these words are said at a random moment, sometimes when I’m cooking, sometimes when I’m laughing with WH knowing that they may trigger a dreaded conversation but nevertheless not fearing it, it means the most.

The other thing: my WH wasn’t a deep person. I think throughout our marriage he had two modes, happy or meh. He is a simple chap who on dday could not probably describe feelings and emotions. Life for him was simple. So when I see the change in him now, when I see the lack of avoidance, when I see he’s willing to take anything I throw at him and open up to be emotionally naked in front of me I’m starting to believe he may be genuine.

We cannot teach you how to open up to your wife’s pain. We cannot give you a map. All I can say is drop the fear and shame and be there for her.

As to not being worthy of her and less than... my WH feels the same. But he also says he’ll make himself worthy of me with every day that goes by.

[This message edited by Luna10 at 4:59 AM, November 28th (Wednesday)]

Just to add (can you tell I’m a “oh one more thing!” Person? ).

I know my posts come across like it is all lovely and amazing in the Luna affair household. All forgiven and moving forward at a pace.

With all this effort my WH puts in, he’s not perfect and neither am I. I wish there will be a surgery I could have to remove the feeling of resentment. There isn’t one. And with all that this shit is hard and I am still not sure we’ll make it. I’m acknowledging his efforts but ultimately he needs to keep his actions consistent while I work on what his affair did to me and understand if it was a dealbreaker or not. My self esteem is still shattered, my view of him altered maybe for good and I still need to learn to live with it.

DaddyDom,

So recently, I bought a motorcycle, and when I got it home, I immediately cleared a space in the garage so that I could park it in there. That really upset her because she said that I only took action when it affected ME, but not because it was important to HER. Which is a fair assessment of what happened.

I think this quote is exactly the problem and a representation of how my BS feels that I treat her also because although I don't drive motor cycles, this is exactly the kind of thing I would have done. Action only when I was to my benefit has been an unfortunate trait of mine and of selfish wayward thinking. I know this was perhaps not the norm for you because like you said, there are many things you do just for her. Being mindful of how my actions and words will affect my BS has been such a struggle for me and I appreciate this example as I know I would have been caught off guard but then immediately realized this as hurtful with my BS. I have found that mindfulness is a very difficult thing to be vigilant with when you have lived your life with a selfish mindset for so long.

Hi Luna,

I don't have much time to respond but you've been so wonderful about replying and being so open with me about your own experiences, I really appreciate that, thank you. ISSF and I talked for only few minutes last night... I had asked her if she saw this post and what her thoughts were.

She told me that she felt my responses to people seemed to go right back to avoidance mode. She feels that I am still so far up my own ass (my words) that I can't get out of it except for the occasional moment. She expressed her pain to me, and her frustrations with me having blame her for things (a.k.a. making her the "bad guy"), or calling her out on her flaws when I did so much damage to her. Then we discussed the fact that I am still not making room for her pain in my life and in our relationship. I feel horrible about all of this, and can feel the need to be there for her even as my internal demons want to stay focused on my own shit. I have a lot of work yet to do, and I need to figure out how to put my own pain and bullshit "in a box" now and then so that I can focus on her and what she needs.

A lot of what I took from your words and the words of others is the simple fact that I am still so very focused on me that I am not making room for her pain, and have so much shame that I can't face it myself, let alone share it or get out from under it in order to be there for her. Which just ends up fucking her over because she needs me to get out of my own head and be present and vulnerable with her.

You asked about me saying something mean to her... I won't go into this too much as it just zaps us back into "about my pain" but I need to in order to answer your question. Because of the non-stop bullying and abuse in my youth, my triggers are focused on any situation where there is conflict or the potential for conflict. Moreover, if I percieve anything as a critisicm/complaint/blame/demeaning statement (whether it really IS one of those things is another discussion) then what tends to happen is that my fractured personality tends to kick in, and my "16 year old self" takes over, and at that point, my emotional level is that of an angry 16 year old boy. I say mean shit just to be hurtful, not because there is an actual thing to be mean about. Sixteen year old me is very hurt and angry, and is as spiteful and mean as they come. I realize that this does not apply to most WS's, and it complicates things for us because there are so many balls being juggled in terms of our individual triggers and needs and so on. I'm a victim and I'm an abuser, she's a (my) victim, my kids are victims... IC is helping me greatly with my own pain, but I need to learn to be there and to share my empathy and support with my family who I alone hurt.

Only last night he told me again how grateful he is for putting myself through this pain for his happiness. Because ultimately that’s what I am doing.

I need to remember this too. We've been together 22 years now. That's almost half my entire life. ISSF is such a part of my life that I honestly can't even imagine my world without her in it. The thing about people is that often, we take for granted those things and people who we count on the most, usually because they are always there for us, so we don't even have to think about them. It's not that I "forget" I had an affair, but I have trouble placing it in our lives sometimes. I'm so used to being the victim (not of her, of my childhood) that I don't know how to be the supporter. And that's hurtful to her. It's not even that I'm doing something wrong in some cases, rather, it is my lack of doing something right that hurts her most.

Anyway, more later when I get a chance, but thank you for your advice and examples, they really are helpful. We have MC tonight and I hope we can discuss some of this there.

islesguy,

I think we are very similar in how we think and act. I guess most WS's are. If it weren't so painful it would be fascinating to study and to see how we all got to be this way in the first place.

I'm sorry that you struggle with this as well, but thank you for also letting me know I am not alone in it. I think most of the hurtful things I do to her are based more in "lack of empathizing with her feelings" than in "doing something wrong". Cleaning the garage wasn't a bad thing, in fact, it was what she wanted. It was however the reason and timing of doing it that made it so awful, because it magnified my ability to dismiss what's important to her while still taking care of what is important to me, and to her, that must feel like me twisting the knife in her back.

DesertLily,

So of course you logically understand how your BW feels, after all, you've been there. BUt you don't feel it because those emotions are locked up tight and shoved way back in your mind, probably even surrounded by barbedwire and marked with a skull and crossbones. And for so many, many years, your very survival has depended on you not opening that box.

I want to thank you greatly for this response. I don't think anyone has ever nailed it quite so succinctly for me. The thing is, it is much easier to wrap your head around this concept than it is to fix it. No one in my youth really ever apologized for something big. Yeah, sure, if they bumped into you, they might say sorry, but no one ever came to me and said anything such as, "What I said earlier was really harsh of me. I shouldn't have said that and it was wrong. Please forgive me." I don't say that to gain sympathy, just as a fact of how it was. The end result being, I never really experienced how people feel and show their care and remorse, not as a victim, and not as an abuser. Instead of learning how to talk things out and atone for bad behaviors, I simply learned how to not be a punching bag, and that involved a lot of anger and pushing people away. Which, by the way, just leaves everything in your life completely unresolved. In my case, this turned into a breakdown of epic proportions not too long ago. But I digress...

It's ironic, isn't it, that now your survival, and that if your family's, is dependent on your ability to open up to those feelings. Because make no mistake, in order for you to feel your BW's pain, to empathize and move forward in R, you're going to have to connect with your inner child and crack the lid on that Pandora's box of hell.

Yup, this. ^^^ Honestly, the thought of it terrifies me to my very core. We all know the rule about Pandora's box. You don't open it. Period. No questions. Just don't. Because nothing good will come it. And that's how I feel about my internal box. Going there feels like entering the arena naked and unarmed while facing an army of soldiers.

Only by getting in touch with your feelings, the feelings of your abused, neglected and abandoned inner child, will you be able to express true empathy for your BW. But to do so, you will have to have great courage, strength and fortitude.

These words feel so enormous and scary. As you said, I've always avoided having these feelings, I think because they all require me to open that box. Courage is born of fear, strength born of weakness, and so on. In order to be brave and true, I have to face emotions that I don't even have words for, and have never allowed myself to deal with. In some ways, it feels like being a person who has never been sick a day in their life, and then later in life, gets a cold and it damn near kills them. I thought I was getting along fine without my deeper inner connection all these years. The abuse of my childhood stopped, and I had the family I always wanted. So I just existed on cruise-control for the past 20 years.

I don't think your Bw wants you to have a breakdown, but she does want you to have a breakthrough. After all, it was the denial of your pain that grew a monster. And it is by bringing that pain into the light that the vampire explodes into harmless dust.

And this - this wraps it all up neatly. You are right, she doesn't want to see me weak, or even strong, she just wants to see ME, and more than that, she wants me to see HER. How crazy it is that the very same abuse that crushed me is what I ended up dumping on her, and now she's suffering and I'm over here like a lump on a log, unable to help because I'm too attached to my own problems to see hers, even though I caused them.

I think I need to read these words daily for a while, and remember that her pain, in truth, is simply an extension of my own, because I made it that way. When I can let mine go, then I hope that means it/I will cease being a feeding source for her pain as well. Then I can be there for her and help her through it too.

I'm glad I had some words that resonate with your situation. I recognized what you're going through because I'm right there, right now. I can't connect emotionally with anyone but my children, and in order to heal me (and perhaps later my M), I have had to start opening the box.

My childhood was torture. On the trauma index, I went through them all repeatedly. I cut off all those emotions, left home at 15 and never looked back.

I got my GED and waited tables to put myself through college. Fell in love, got married and had children. Almost two decades later, my past and present collided sending me spiraling out of control. And now the only way I can move forward is to confront my past.

I'm opening my Pandora's box only in the presence of my IC. I'm also doing EMDR specifically for these memories. And before I leave, I do a mental exercise to close the box and lock those feelings and memories up tight so they don't leak out all week long.

During my last session, I stopped breathing and she had to bring out of it to my safe space. I was choking, like invisible hands had wrapped around my throat and began to squeeze the life out of me. Scary, scary stuff.

I pray you find the courage to face your demons, because you're worth it, and so is your precious family. (Your BW is an amazing woman. I read her posts. She's helped me tremendously.)

I think most of the hurtful things I do to her are based more in "lack of empathizing with her feelings" than in "doing something wrong".

Yes, I completely agree with this and am usually blindsided by her reactions to my lack of empathizing. It is very depressing to realize that I was being hurtful without seeing it but having it have to be pointed out to me.

DaddyDom one suggestion: we all know you are very good with words. You seem to be capable to write from your heart here on SI and say the most wonderful things about ISSF and how much she means to you.

Have you thought about this: rather than writing all this here, which probably makes your wife feel like you’re looking for external validation, sit her down and tell her all this? I can imagine it is crazy making for her to read all these amazing words here about how you feel about her and then have an argument where your 16 yo self comes out and tells her mean stuff. It must feel, for her, like gaslighting all over again: her husband is telling other people virtually how much he loves and appreciates her, while behind closed doors where nobody can see he turns against her.

I don’t know a huge amount, except the basis, of what a fractured personality means. I realise that’s a huge addition to recovering from infidelity. But... do please make sure that you’re not using your lack of control over it to hurt your BS even more. She doesn’t deserve it.

Hearing someone means listening. Hearing someone means not turning the conversation towards yourself. Feeling empathy means forget about yourself, just listen and offer all the comforting words and actions you can think of. Don’t shut the conversation down. Don’t postpone it. We cant postpone how we feel. Be in the moment. Listen now. It is about her pain, not you.

And what Luna just said:

DaddyDom one suggestion: we all know you are very good with words. You seem to be capable to write from your heart here on SI and say the most wonderful things about ISSF and how much she means to you.

Have you thought about this: rather than writing all this here, which probably makes your wife feel like you’re looking for external validation, sit her down and tell her all this? I can imagine it is crazy making for her to read all these amazing words here about how you feel about her and then have an argument where your 16 yo self comes out and tells her mean stuff. It must feel, for her, like gaslighting all over again: her husband is telling other people virtually how much he loves and appreciates her, while behind closed doors where nobody can see he turns against her.

I don’t know a huge amount, except the basis, of what a fractured personality means. I realise that’s a huge addition to recovering from infidelity. But... do please make sure that you’re not using your lack of control over it to hurt your BS even more. She doesn’t deserve it.

I haven’t interacted with you in a while, but let me share with you the impression I am getting, and this may come across as blunt. You and my fWW are very similar in how you have been asking the same questions over and over for a long time. You ask yours here in eloquent posts that often, in the past, made me wish my wife could do that. But tonight I realized the difference is that you spend a lot of time and energy here asking for help but really not making much progress ... and my wife will not, she pretty much refuses to see any benefit from asking for help from a bunch of strangers on what she has dubbed “ my site.” She has stubbornly missed out on a resource that I had hoped might help her, challenge her, provide insight into what the BS feels like, and maybe even give her the chance at some positive feedback when she does make a little progress. It breaks my heart that she can not, will not, even try to find the benefit in that. She is trying to go it alone: what are the chances of success, eh?

You are at opposite ends of the spectrum, and neither of you are making much progress, as evidenced by the continuing disappointment your spouses express regularly. You hammer away in angst over not having hit that right “spot” yet, but you are scratching the itch without asking if you are either getting warmer or getting colder. You are asking everyone else how to hit it except your wife. My wife is asking no one, just hoping everything will eventually get better.

Luna is right. You might make more progress if what you share here was directed to your wife IRL, and with the hearing and feeling mentioned in the first quote.

Duplicate post. For some reason becoming more common although I have not changed a thing about how I post.

Things that make you go “hm-m-m ...”

[This message edited by OneInTheSame at 4:29 AM, November 29th (Thursday)]

Oneinthesame,

You hammer away in angst over not having hit that right “spot” yet, but you are scratching the itch without asking if you are either getting warmer or getting colder. You are asking everyone else how to hit it except your wife. My wife is asking no one, just hoping everything will eventually get better.

I keep asking because I need to understand, to my core. Failure is not really an option. My wife also says that I don't ask her, that I do what I think she wants, instead of what she actually wants. To be fair, the things she says she needs are simple... to be seen, to be heard, to be cared about and to know that there is actually room for her in my heart, which seems to be very full of itself with no room for her anyone else. Unfortunately, I can't go to Target to and pick up a box of "seen" and a can of "heard". Those are things that must be defined within myself and within her. In the same way that you and others here may be tired of what seems like me asking the same questions, she gets tired of it too. So I try to spread the questions around a bit and gain wisdom where and from who I can.

One reason I keep asking is because things change, and I need to try and fit things together in my head along with the new info. All this work I'm doing in IC is giving me fresh perspectives on how I think/feel/react, and so I'd like to bring the topic up again but with (what I hope is) a better understanding of her thought process and mine.

I'm sorry that your spouse isn't on SI, I do think it would help. To be fair, I've heard of a good many spouses "getting it" on thieir own. I think it is helpful however to have people to work things through with, people who have been in your shoes and felt your pain. I'm okay with trying and failing. I mean, I'd rather not fail, but failure only happens when trying. So in a way, not failing (and not succeeding) means you've quit trying. That can't happen.

I've given up on there being a timeline for this. It will happen when it happens, so what takes place in between now and then is all dependent on how much effort I put in, and how much understanding of my wife that I gain. I can be embarrased or frustrated by my lack of grasp on this, or I can swallow my pride and just keep trying. I choose the latter. She deserves my undying love and effort. And I deserve to be the best person I can be, regardless of how this all turns out.

DaddyDom, my fear for both you and my wife is that somehow you were never “wired” for what we need post-A. Things before my wife’s A weren’t great, and mentioning possible counseling fell on deaf ears. But I had not been broken into tiny pieces, crushed, kicked around, and emotionally traumatized yet, so I didn’t know she would not be able to say “come here - I can see you need a hug,” or “I want to sit by your side and grieve with you.” Fuck — I couldn’t even get a comforting hug for months, and the first one was to comfort me over another matter.

Know why your spouse and I just want whatever you can muster? Because apparently you and my wife were there for yourselves and another for the duration of the affairs. My wife said it made her feel good to help her ex-gf, an anxiety-riddled pathetic mess: she said her ex was just happy to have her there. Of course she was! But what my wife wasn’t during that time and after was fully here for me through medical tests, a breast biopsy, flares, struggles. She certainly blew it around our first wedding anniversary. I was abandoned.

Do you realize how much ground you have to make up? It seems both you and my wife are fumbling around expecting to receive some magical personal clarity before our needs can be met. Did you have to think about it so hard with everything you did and shared with your AP? I know my wife seemed to be back on auto-pilot pretty quickly with her ex. That thought guts me.

I am being hard on you, I know. It frustrates me to no end that another BS has to endure wondering if their emotional needs will ever come before your certainty about what you are processing.

Like I shared with my wife:

“Say something, I’m giving up on you.”

Some days I am not sure I am even a consideration unless she chooses to make me one, while I can’t seem to fix dinner without hoping I’m giving her something she will enjoy. She is part of nearly every decision I make. For six months I was nowhere in her heart. 💔

DD-

I’m going to start with - I didn’t read the thread so I may be touching on things others already have.

That single genuine tear you want from your brother? Never going to happen. I was horribly abused by my mother and sister and ended up with a case of Stockholm Syndrome- I was raised to believe that I was garbage- I honestly believe that the only reason why my mother even had me was because she thought my sister may get sick one day and I could be the built in organ donor.

These two horrible people put me through hell - they took what they wanted when they wanted it and I let them. I have so many horror stories- but that isn’t the point. The point is - I had to finally come to the conclusion that they will never admit to nor feel bad for what they did. I will never get an apology nor the acknowledgment I thought I needed to move on. I cycled through all the emotions and something finally became very clear to me - I am not responsible for them. They are responsible for what they say and do - I am responsible for my reaction. I am no better than either of them if I take my shitty mood out on my BS - I turned around and did something neither of them could do - I was honest. I was honest with BS about everything. My past, my present, what I wanted in the future... my resentment, martyrdom, my need to be everyone’s favorite person, the external validation, my ego, my lack of self-worth, why I lied all the time, why I always had to look like the good guy, my feelings of inferiority and inadequacy, feeling persecuted all the time, being a know-it-all, my shitty boundaries, EVERYTHING. As time went on I realized that I no longer needed an apology or even acknowledgement- I became every single thing they tried so hard to prevent me from becoming. When I was a lying cheater I was rolling around in shit with them and giving then every chance in the world for them to continue believing they were right. I began listening to rumination videos to stop myself from being stuck.

Comfort ISSF by being 100% with her - let her in in a way that you have never let anyone in. That is true intimacy! Get out of your head and stop the impulsivity - pause when you come into her presence - instead of seeing her and chattering like a little kid stop and be silent for a moment - let her speak if she wants, let her sense your presence and ask what you’re thinking or tell you what’s on her mind. You have come very far and that’s great but don’t stop now - one foot in front of the other.

Comfort ISSF by being 100% with her - let her in in a way that you have never let anyone in. That is true intimacy! Get out of your head and stop the impulsivity - pause when you come into her presence - instead of seeing her and chattering like a little kid stop and be silent for a moment - let her speak if she wants, let her sense your presence and ask what you’re thinking or tell you what’s on her mind. You have come very far and that’s great but don’t stop now - one foot in front of the other.

Excellent advice!

And I want to say, DD, that this thread has been triggering for me, and I apologize for taking it out on you.

cptprkchp,

Oh no, I don't expect anything at all from my brother or my family, ever. In fact, I no longer speak to my brother or mother because I know they will never change. But what I had always thought, up until recently anyway, was that I had "escaped" the family curse of repeated abuse. In some ways I did. But as you can see, the damage done was only damage masked, not dealt with. BTW, I saw your responses to my wife (ISurvivedSoFar) and thank you so much for those. They were as helpful to me as they were to her I think.

I am not responsible for them. They are responsible for what they say and do - I am responsible for my reaction. I am no better than either of them if I take my shitty mood out on my BS

My past, my present, what I wanted in the future... my resentment, martyrdom, my need to be everyone’s favorite person, the external validation, my ego, my lack of self-worth, why I lied all the time, why I always had to look like the good guy, my feelings of inferiority and inadequacy, feeling persecuted all the time, being a know-it-all, my shitty boundaries, EVERYTHING

I became every single thing they tried so hard to prevent me from becoming. When I was a lying cheater I was rolling around in shit with them and giving then every chance in the world for them to continue believing they were right.

All of these things touched me, for various reasons. There is so much of myself described in here, as well as how I need to handle it.

I'm curious - obviously, you had an affair as well, and the things you describe as feeling/thinking/doing are my story as well. Yet you are in a different place now. What did you find the hardest to overcome in terms of changing how you felt and reacted to things? What made the most difference in your recovery? How do you overcome triggers from your own childhood when your BS gets upset so that you can be there for him when he's triggering instead of falling into your own triggers?

And I want to say, DD, that this thread has been triggering for me, and I apologize for taking it out on you.

I'm sorry that this was triggery for you, although maybe that's good, as it allowed you to express some thoughts and feelings in a safe place. And your advice and stories do help. Yeah, I felt a little deflated at points, but to be honest, that's what I need to work on. I think it's okay to feel badly or even guilty, the problem is me getting so lost in my own pain that I end up not being there for her, and so this is just more practice for me to learn to accept who I am and what I did, and learn that I need to be able, whatever it takes, to put that aside for her. Better yet, I need to learn how to leave that crap on the floor and move on without it.

DD-

ISSF is a doll and I am so in love with her!! (I am a woman- don’t panic!!)

First, I learned to PAUSE! I was very impulsive and it came off as insensitive ALL THE TIME. Even when I didn’t mean it to. The problem with me was that I was forever in my own head and when I spoke without thinking it was me, me, me. I learned to shut my mouth and open my ears. Wait before reacting.

Second, I really HEARD what my BS was saying when I stopped and paused. I started coming at things from a different perspective- you know how sometimes we take things wrong because we put our own spin on them? KNOCK THAT OFF!! When you listen - listen from a neutral place. Forget being persecuted your whole life, forget having to protect yourself, forget trying to look like the good guy and BE the good guy.

Third, practice radical honesty. When I used to answer questions impulsively I impulsively LIED. My impulse was to LIE!!! Going with the pause - when you answer a question stop, think, and answer honestly. The truth hurts sometimes but finding out you have been lied to hurts more.

Fourth, stop ruminating on the past - I was abused horribly but dwelling on it only made me a miserable bastard. I started watching rumination videos on YouTube. I had to stop drinking the poison and waiting for everyone else to die.

Fifth, I became everything that I believe my BS deserves. The admiration and respect I get from being who I should have been all along is better than anything!!

Sixth, take independent action when need be - if you recall her asking for something in the past - DO IT!! Did she tell you to hug her? Did she tell you flowers or a gesture of love would mean the world to her? DO IT!! Think of her often and fondly. Get to know her all over again from your new neutral perspective! She is an amazing lady and it would be a shame if you lost her because you couldn’t just listen to her.

I have a million more but I won’t overwhelm you. Don’t just read this and nod.. read it and DO IT!!!!! Please!!!

Oh!

When I start ruminations on the past I’ve developed a code phrase. When I start thinking about the past I say loudly “I WANT TO GO HOME!!” Home is the present - with BS. He knows this and understands what it means. Depending on how many times he hears it he may ask if I need to talk or what keeps bugging me. I suppose it’s my crazy version of the bat signal - it shows I’m in distress. I do it even when he’s not around to ground myself.

I am a better person because I want to be. I had to stop being the know it all - I had to stop doing BS’s thinking for him. I had to humble myself and remember that asking for forgiveness instead of permission was wayward thinking.

My mother and sister HATE that I am everything that neither of them could ever be - a real person, an honest person- and I have to admit - I absolutely love that they hate it. I thought different was better but I was wrong- better is better!!