SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

"You and your emotionally fucked up family can die alone for all I care."

"I regret ever meeting you."

"The affair went on so long because you are so out of touch you didn't notice."

"Good luck finding someone as smart, beautiful, kind, sexually voracious and devoted as me who won't cheat on you." Bleh, I almost threw up after that one.

"Everyone I talk to about my affair says it's no big deal."

I can't believe I've been on the receiving end of stuff like this, but she gets to claim that I'm the one breaking up the family by separating while she wanted nothing more than to fix things.

This is an incredibly unfair topic... how am I supposed to identify the single, worst thing that my ex said or did? It's impossible to pick just one!

Some of my favorites of the moment...

1. Background: I make about 80% of the our combined income. We had discussed a divorce in which she would hire an attorney and I would go without, trusting her to seek fair divorce terms. Later, I decided that I wanted to hire my own attorney. Her response:

Great, what is this going to cost me?

2. She repeatedly has told me that I am a bad father because she does "all of the care giving for the kids." Besides being not true, she was told in marriage counseling that she needed to ask for help if she wanted to have a reasonable complaint. She never asks.

3. I used GPS information kept by Google to track her location when her AP was in town. She stopped at his hotel for 45 minutes one morning. She claims, and I am not making this up, that she waited in the lobby of the hotel for 45 minutes because she wanted to give him something. The "something" was never defined and she saw him for three consecutive nights (i.e., she had plenty of opportunity to give him "something" at those times). She maintains that she never even went to his room and that he was rude in making her wait in the lobby. (p.s. I plan to ask her about this story in mediation as an example of her lying, gaslighting and emotional abuse. She will either have to tell the truth or she will have to tell a lie so absurd that her emotional abuse will be self-evident).

[This message edited by barcher144 at 10:02 AM, December 1st (Saturday)]

So many stories, so little time...

There’s the fact that he decided to move us out of state in with his parents and then started the A.

There’s the fact that because he will sometimes do the kids’ laundry when they are spending time with him, it somehow means I don’t do the kids’ laundry?

But probably the worst thing he said in general: lots of things “said” that were never substantiated by actions.

Countless atrocities, but the one that takes the cake for me (BS)...

"If this is what it took for you to be the the best person you can be, it was worth it in a way."

Just, wow.

Huh. I can finally remember without being triggered. They're just memories now. Heck, I might not even remember everything anymore but here's a few:

-Used DS. Would talk to me in front of DS and tell me that DS said this, DS said that, about new men coming around. DS would get mad and tell his dad to stop lying. In the months following me leaving Asshat, he seemed obsessed to catch me with another man and just made them up when he couldn't; I guess he wanted us to be "even" .

-When DS wouldn't want to go with him for visitation, Asshat would threaten DS with having me arrested if DS didn't go. DS was four at the time.

-Forcing DS to call his AP and later a different girlfriend "mommy".

-Sent me a picture of him and his older-than-his-mother AP celebrating New Year's together at 12:01 a.m. when DS and I were both sick with the flu and walking pneumonia.

-When still together and discussing having another child, I half-jokingly said I was worried what another pregnancy would to do my body since DS left me with a bunch of stretch marks. Asshat's response: "It (my body) couldn't look any worse."

-He told me he never loved me. He only used me to get away from his family.

Those are just a few off the top of my head and I'm sure other members here could chime in with more of what Asshat has done over the years. I could remember more but it's a waste of head space to try and remember.

[This message edited by lilies21 at 6:57 PM, December 3rd (Monday)]

Weeks after our then 16 year old daughter found out about her Mom's affair, recovering alcoholic XWW screamed at her:

"Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! YOU'RE the reason I want to get shit-faced drunk! YOU'RE the reason I want to put a bullet in my fucking head!"

Then she ran from the house, hopped in her car and peeled out of the driveway at a high rate of speed.

Up until this point, DD was very angry at her mother and vented that anger at her frequently. After this outburst, DD was afraid of angering her mother (presumably for fear she would cause her to kill herself). But since DD was still full of anger, she chose to take it all out on the safe parent.

Make no mistake, XWW said and did HORRIBLE things to me. But nothing hurt as much as this vicious psychological attack on her/my own daughter's well being.

"You said you wanted me to make some friends"

FRIENDS. Not lovers, not girlfriends. Buddies!

It's hard to remember all of the zingers, but probably one of the most hurtful was WH saying, "It really just felt like the past five years I was more or less just trying to grin and bear it."

WTAF. He was having a LTA.

MamaDragon said:

"You said you wanted me to make some friends"

Oh man, that's a doozy!

This is nowhere near the worst thing my STBXH said to me during our marriage, but after he blindsided me with the news that he had filed for divorce, I bitterly commented on how long we had been married when he decided to end it. His response was to counter with a claim that he had been miserable for many years.

In the first place, I would be WAY better off now if he had left me back when he said he first became miserable, so it's not like he did me a favor by staying.

In the second place, "I've been miserable for X years" is cheater speak for "I've been cheating for X years and am going to blame it all on you even thought it was entirely my choices and actions."

Based on that response, he cheated more than half of our marriage. And we were married thirty years.

After DD#2. After the confrontation. After the negotiations. After I made him an offer and he countered with a different number and I accepted it. After we went though all the household stuff. After I had already started the refinance on the house. After we filed. After the D was final. . .

He (or possibly OW) starts thinking he should have been entitled to a lot more. Starts raising his voice to me "You can't deny that I took it in the shorts. I THOUGHT I COULD TRUST YOU TO LOOK OUT FOR ME."

Did you? Did you now? How does that feel?

DD#2 I love you but I care about him more. False reconciliation 2.5 years later Her actions of acting happy, saying she was happy when asked until the moment she left. No words were needed for that blow

While my ExWW was explaining to me why she needed to move out after 17 years together to get "some space", she said " I have to leave the marriage, to save the marriage" and convinced me of that??

She said she wanted to try new things, like scuba diving. O.k, I would love to try that....months later my son told me about mommy's work friend who is a master diver...

2 years later and several trips scuba diving, they are still at it.

Still wondering if she is saving the marriage

I was also told that I'm lucky our son loves me at all??

She also yelled at me for 10mins because I got him a tutor, and said she wasn't paying for half and in that 10 mins of yelling she said at least 10 times that she wasn't a bad mother???.....like, all of a sudden for no reason. I explained to her that I'd never said that, which made her even angrier.

Halfway through his baseball season I got, "don't sign him up next year on my days"

The odd time she would bring him to a game on her day she would sit in her car or walk around the park staring at her feet.

So many weird things she has done and said. The constant lying is the one that still gets me 2 years later. Never admitted anything, and openly lies to me and our son about doing something with her new soulmate.

Its not even good lies, or even plausible lies. Like a 15 year old trying to get out of something....very funny, but sad at the same time. Guess the shame and guilt still weighs her down.

(Just realized the title of the thread...I will leave though because it felt good to write it down!!)

[This message edited by LostandFound75 at 5:12 PM, December 16th (Sunday)]

My ex wasn't particularly nasty, apart from the regular blameshifting, entitled and not taking full responsibility of the A or the problems in our M.

After some very shady behavior post Dday and cell phone records that she would neither confirm or deny (broke NC) and me having to turn into Infidelity Detective she said:

"This has really brought out the worst in us."

Then, I suppose from feeling as if she'd never fall in love again:

"If it wasn't for this I don't think I could ever feel this way again."

Then me, in full Pick Me Dance mode, asking her if she ever thought of me during the A.

She said, "Absolutely! I wish you could feel what I feeling!"

How abso-fucking-lutely thoughtful you are.

I have a new one... it happened yesterday.

Our son as a birthday coming up in early January. I wanted to discuss with her getting birthday presents with him, mostly to make sure that we didn't get him the same thing.

He has become obsessed with Hibachi restaurants for some reason (background: it's his 7th birthday), so I thought that I would take him out to dinner. I mentioned my idea to the STBXWW and she replied:

I thought that we would all go out to dinner as a family.

To which, I simply replied:

We are not a family anymore or did you forget?

It would be impossible to pick one thing he said or did that I could call the worst, but here are some examples:

* He told me he'd rather smoke weed than have sex with me, and then initiated pity sex a few hours later out of guilt.

* He told me cheating on his first wife with prostitutes wasn't cheating because he didn't know them and because he'd paid them.

* He continues to lie about me and rip on me to his family, friends and other people I loved - in order to preserve his reputation. Apparently I am the crazy, jealous, insecure ex who hacked into his computer to find love notes between him and OW #1, and of course how evil of me to talk to people about what he did to me. Why couldn't I just fade off into the woodwork as he headed off into the sunset?

* When I gained 25 pounds from steroidal medicines prescribed to treat my life-threatening lung disease, he verbally bashed me so badly that I hired a personal trainer to to try and get the weight off while struggling with IPF at the same time. He insulted me during this time frame and told me that I was "too round and had too many chins." When he left me he said, "Shame on me for wanting to be with someone I can be attracted to for the rest of my life."

* In 2015, picked a fight with me and left/ghosted me for two months, because he was pursuing another woman, but wanted it to be my fault. I had just been diagnosed with IPF.

* Told me I was bad for him, that he was 'miserable' with me, that I was the only person who ever brought out his temper. Even though I observed him lose his temper with others, even though others told me they had seen him lose his temper. Even though I never once raised my voice to him or treated him badly. Somehow I brought out his temper.

* "I haven't been happy for a long time."

* Told me I was a slob. All I ever did was clean up after him and do laundry for him. We had beige carpeting that was beginning to look grungy, so I bought a carpet cleaner, and I never once got to use it. He insisted we use it together, but was too lazy to take the thing out of the box. We had it for two years, and when he left me, it was still in the box.

* Reamed me for snoring, getting bacon grease on the stove top once (that he claimed never came off) and a dot of mascara on the carpet, and said I "lied" about the source of a one-inch stain on our bedspread. When asked for reasons he was leaving me. While denying he had ever betrayed me or cheated on me.

* As I was crying on the phone, mid-dumping, begging for answers, was saying things like, "I just don't want to deal with you anymore."

My only solace is knowing that he betrayed EVERY SINGLE PERSON he was ever with, and that pattern will continue because he will never own up to his mistakes or seek the intense help he needs. He will end up alone and miserable.

Those are a few examples.

[This message edited by NorCalLost at 11:11 AM, December 22nd (Saturday)]

STBX's carelessness made me miss the last call from my dying best friend.

His carelessness and selfishness made me miss a another friend's funeral and another friend's wedding.

He exposed me to STDs that I luckily didn't get.

He kept me in false R for six years because he was too much of a coward to tell me the truth.

He's made me angry at myself for ever trying to have a relationship with him.

The worst thing stbxWH#2 did was to have a secret wife overseas and had 3 children with her. He named their oldest daughter the same name as our daughter that died as an infant at 4 months old.

So many things, but the one that sticks out the most is that giving her gummy bears for her birthday was a joke. Gummy bears was a staple in one of their sexual conversations. Said gift was given during "reconciliation" and I found out about it months later.

The worst thing stbxWH#2 did was to have a secret wife overseas and had 3 children with her. He named their oldest daughter the same name as our daughter that died as an infant at 4 months old.

I really do think the world would be better off without some people in it.

Hollywood loves to whitewash cheating and portray adultery as true love, but based on what I have read on this site, your average cheater is so selfish, heartless, and unfeeling, that most cheaters are nothing but monsters in human form.