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I appreciate what y’all are saying but not convinced that I can’t be friends within the same community of people if I have eyes wide open and firm boundaries. And that means trusting my gut and my gut tells me that her intentions are good. Sure, she has said some things that show an ignorance of what betrayal feels like but she’s fundamentally a good person. IMHO, although I also have seen enough shit to know that even your best friend can surprise you with what they are capable of. My eyes are definitely open and I will never trust anyone completely again.

She didn’t say the A was an honest mistake or an accident or anything like that, I think it’s accurate to say an A is a mistake as in something that should never have happened. I wasn’t quoting directly. G would totally agree that they made extraordinarily bad choices and that they are responsible for the consequences. But if my husband is deserving of forgiveness how can I expect G to shun the AP completely? G wasn’t involved in it, I didn’t even know her when it happened. I’m not judging people who wouldn’t tolerate this, just saying it’s nit a dealbreaker for me to just be friendly with someone who has done very bad things to me. Close friends, I couldn’t deal with, but a casual friendship?

We all make choices about the degree to which we expose ourselves to triggers. We can’t avoid the rest of the world completely. I chose not to move away from this neighbourhood so I’m reminded of things associated with the A on a daily basis. It sucks but I didn’t want to uproot my life. I know that wouldn’t work for everyone and that makes sense, but I’m happy with that choice, personally. With time it has gotten way easier and I may be using the word triggered a bit too loosely when I describe my friendship with G. Being reminded of the A no longer is as traumatic as it once was, thankfully. I just find myself unsure how to handle this friendship because of the association and was looking for advice on how to navigate it.

I think what I’ve gained most from this conversation is how important it is for me to not talk about the A with G, nor my present-day marriage, and that I think that’s what was bugging me, because part of me enjoyed exactly that. And getting trickles of info about the AP, with whom there has been NC for several years, so naturally I’m curious. Boundaries. So important.

Thanks y’all for listening and offering your perspectives. I really appreciate this community and have found a lot of unfortunately hard-won wisdom here. Hugs to you all.

Yes the AP is shameless and she was very drunk when she told G, apparently. She tells herself she was the victim in all of this so told quite a few people in the community. Including when she was sober.

They are close enough to have had drinks together with other women but without kids once or twice over the last few years.Yes, that may be too close. That’s what I’m figuring out. But the fact that AP has moved away makes me think it is possible to be friends with G.

Time will tell...I haven’t made my mind up one way or the other. Believe me, I’ve cut lots of people out of my life over their reactions to the A. I’m capable of being ruthless!

[This message edited by Piratequeen at 3:13 PM, November 30th (Friday)]

Piratequeen,

I am a WW, D-day was almost three years ago and my BH considers us reconciled. My perspective comes from a different situation but similar circumstances. Not A related at all.

My BH has a man, let's call him K, who works for him during the week. They became friendly and since my BH wanted to help him out because K has had some life struggles, he now also works for me on the weekends as a farmhand.

The more I got to know K the better I liked him. He is now treated like one of my kids. We invite him to celebrate the holidays with us. If he is here on the farm working, he joins us for dinner. He has went out with us for dinner and drinks. He has become a member of our family.

My BH and I trust him completely. When my BH travels, K is who I am to call if I need help with anything. He has never let us down.

K is also someone who others may not want to have anything to do with. Other people would probably not even give K the time of day, let alone have as a friend or part of their family.

K is a former gangbanger. (Retired) A convicted felon, who did a few years in prison for armed robbery and assault. He has hurt people. I know he has. His brothers share the same neck tattoo from being a member of the same gang. Yes, his brothers have been at our home too. So when I say that K would take a bullet for either my BH or me, he really would. He had become that good of a friend to our family.

My whole point being that if we had judged K by his past, who he knows or what he's done, we would have missed out on one of the most loyal and trustworthy friend in our lives. That is no exaggeration.

I did talk to him early on about what he sees or hears on our farm, stays on the farm and just asked him to not take it to the job during the week. K understood and agreed and he never has.

He has proven to be worthy and earned our trust and friendship. Just as I hope that we have proven to K to be worthy of and earned his trust and friendship.

I have only judged K by how he treats me and my BH. Unless he ever proves otherwise, he is staying our friend. If the day comes that he ever breaks our trust, we will handle then. But we don't believe that day will ever come.

Maybe G will turn into the kind of friend that K is to us, I don't know but you won't find out if you don't give her a chance. This is just my opinion.

Mine was a double betrayal. We were friends with AP and OBS. Yep, both WH and AP cheated with their friend's spouse. All of us are in a fairly small group of high school and college friends. I still have to see AP sometimes, it sucks. I do have friends that are still in touch with AP, mainly because they are friends of OBS.

I have asked those friends not to share anything about me or my marriage with AP. They are disappointed with the behavior of both AP and WH, and we all now know that AP is a serial cheater and pretty disgusting, no morals, and a serial liar. My friends tolerate her because of OBS but I really believe they share nothing with her. If I thought they were I would drop them as friends. I did drop one person that call the A a "little mistake" and was so sorry for AP (WTF).

Thanks for the different perspectives. It helps.

It is hard to trust again after a betrayal, especially a double one. I don’t want to miss out on a great friendship but also don’t want to get hurt. Of course.

My first step will to be more circumspect about what I say and secondly have a conversation about what I need from her. And keep my eyes open!

My WW’s AP was my best friend for 20 years. He has a sister with whom we were close before the affair. My wife occasionally does things with the sister, I do not. I don’t begrudge my wife’s separate friendship with the AP’s sister. She is unaware of the A as far as I know. I see no reason to poison her world with her brother’s sins, and no reason to deny my wife an innocent friend.

Love that quote about emotions!

Hugs, Piratequeen.

Being a BS is horrible enough, add in close friends or family members supporting the A, that's even worse. But to have your bestie as the AP, I can't even imagine. Both if your closest friends and confidants (WS & AP) conspiring against you, talk about a mind f@#k. I am so sorry.

It's stories like these that make me thankful that my Wh's APs were paid for.

I don't have any advice because our situations are so different, but I did get a little shiver when you wrote that G and AP are a lot a like in some ways, and that anyone could have made such a mistake.

If G is similar to the AP, and honestly believes that, you should stay far, far away from her. Because obviously her moral compass is skewed. She, too, could by a psychopath that hasn't let her mask slip. Birds of a feather, and all that.

I hope you find your healing. This stuff is so hard.

Thanks so much for the kind words. It has been a lot to heal from and I know it will take a long time.

What G said was closer to pretty much anyone who was in a bad place in their life could make regrettable choices. I agree with that. It doesn’t excuse or make it okay in any way, but betrayal is common for a reason. I found it difficult to watch any movies or tv for a very long time as it seems infidelity is a popular plot line.

I do feel uneasy about the similarities in personalities and am trying to figure that out. She may be another narcissist. I seem to be drawn to that type for some reason. Or she may just be an outgoing and fun person. It can be hard to tell the difference.

Thanks for listening everyone!

[This message edited by Piratequeen at 5:11 PM, December 1st (Saturday)]