SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My WW(47) and I(47) have been married for 25 years. We have three kids (15, 18, 20).

She had a one year long EA/PA with a married coworker. She fell in love with him and they had sex on a regular basis for one year. Her affair ended sixty days ago after AP's wife discovered their text messages. She called me to let me know about their affair. She also sent me the text messages. My wife's AP dumped her to reconcile with his wife.

After my wife confirmed the affair I was crushed. She was the love of my life and I had no idea she was having an affair.

Within the first few days I asked the following questions to decide if I wanted to stay married, separate or divorce:

Did you love him more than me?

She said "Yes"

Did you wish you were married to him now or in the future?

She said "Yes"

Are you still in love with him?

She said "Yes"

Did you enjoy sex with him more than me ?

She said "Yes"

Do you still desire him sexually?

She said "Yes"

She answered these questions without any emotion or consideration. None.

All of these answers indicated our marriage is over so I saw a divorce lawyer. I terminated our joint credit cards and split our bank accounts in half. I also split as many investments as possible into two different accounts with equal equity.

She knows I am taking steps toward divorce.

She also knows I have been looking for a house to buy in the neighborhood. I will need her to sign the title of the new house to avoid causing problems with the court system in my state which frowns on one spouse spending large amounts of money on anything after a divorce becomes imminent. The way around this is for both spouses to sign the title for the new house and agree to split the houses as part of the divorce settlement with cash compensation to make up the difference. She has already agreed to this process which will allow me to get into my own house as soon as possible. She has also agreed to keep our current house in a settlement.

The last sixty days have been terrible but since I asked such direct questions about how much she loved him and their sex life I moved to the divorce decision very quickly. We havent talked much in the last sixish weeks until several days ago she sent me an email explaining to me she has been in an affair fog since the affair began and believes all of her thoughts and feelings towards her AP are distorted by this fog.

She says she now looks at her affair as the worst thing she has ever done in her life. She says she sees her AP as a liar who was probably just using her for sex. She said she went along for it because it made her feel excited and intoxicated but these feelings were not deep love. She then told me she deeply loves me and does not want me to divorce her. She asked me not to move out of the house or if I do move out of the house not to file for divorce.

I have read about the fog for the last several days. I dont understand it. It makes no sense to me.

I want to ask you about the fog.

What is your definition of the fog?

Could the fog have made my wife believe she loved another man if it was not true ?

Could the fog make my wife believe she loved another man more than me if it was not true ?

Could the fog make my wife wish she was married to her AP?

Could the fog make my wife believe she enjoyed sex more with another man than me if it were not true?

Could the fog make my wife still desire another man sexually ?

Could the fog make my wife answer such sensitive questions as coldly as she did ?

I asked my wife if she still loved her AP. She said no. I asked if she still had romantic feelings for him. She said her feelings were so confused and all over the place that sometimes she has romantic feelings for him and misses him and other times she hates him.

She also told me she feels terrible for destroying our marriage and told me she loves me and doesn't want to get divorced.

I must admit this is a difficult decision. I loved my wife until Dday but I have pretty much made up my mind to get divorced. I actually thought divorce was the only way forward based on her answers to my questions.

Right now I am thinking I will buy a house and move out and wait a little while before filing for divorce to see what will happen.

I would love to hear your thoughts about the fog and my wife's change of heart in sixty days.

[This message edited by NotToday1971 at 5:24 PM, December 1st (Saturday)]

In my own experience, people tend to give their truest answers when they don’t have time to think about them.

Now she has had sixty days to understand her married lover isn’t coming back. Of course that has impacted her answers.

Maybe the new question should be if he was available, what would she do?

Heart, Are you saying you do not believe in the fog ?

My personal opinion is that the fog is bullshit. An affair is a choice made consciously and willingly and the WS is perfectly capable of considering outcomes and consequences both before starting an affair and for the entire duration of an affair. The reasons for starting an affair vary, but all of them are unacceptable and every single WS who is not mentally deficient knows exactly what they're doing.

Your wife was telling you the truth when you questioned her after DDay. She was in love with her AP. She did prefer him romantically and sexually. She did wish she could leave you for him. That's why she continued the affair for such a long time and why she didn't come clean about it. You became her backup plan and now she's trying to get you to believe you're not her backup plan because she doesn't have Option A available to her anymore. "The fog" she's been in since DDay was her mourning something she had no right to mourn, and that e-mail is nothing more than her trying to secure Plan B.

[This message edited by firenze at 5:49 PM, December 1st (Saturday)]

Nottoday1971.....

Gently, when I was in your shoes, I thought the fog was a thing. Now, I think each of us are responsible for the decisions we make and the consequences that come with those decisions. I don’t think your wife or anybody for that matter was tricked into having sex with another man. It was a choice.

[This message edited by Heart at 5:54 PM, December 1st (Saturday)]

Heart

In my understanding the fog does not excuse behavior. Rather it exaggerates feelings of love and sex.

Everyone else on SI

Am I correct that "the fog" creates exaggerated feelings of love and sex that already existed ?

[This message edited by NotToday1971 at 6:03 PM, December 1st (Saturday)]

I tend to stay away from Fog posts as there is such a difference of feelings on it.

I was in a 4 month affair. I believe I was in the fog. While I was in my affair I even googled what I was feeling because it was so unlike me. That is where I first learned the term.

For me it took a good 5 months after dday to come out of the fog, and to accept my actions and realize the destruction I caused and for the shock to wear off. My affair ended just like your wife's. It was like breaking up with a romantic partner. I grieved the loss but soon woke up to what the reality of my affair was.

[This message edited by pinkpggy at 6:16 PM, December 1st (Saturday)]

What if he wasn't a liar? What if he wasn't married? What if he he decided to divorce his wife? Who's woman would she be? His or yours?

pinkpggy

Can the fog actually make a WS love their AP more than their spouse?

Can the fog actually make a WS want to be married to their AP rather than their spouse?

Can the fog actually make the WS feel sex with the AP was better than sex with their spouse ?

Can the fog make the WS so cold to the BS after Dday they answers questions that cause incredible pain to the BS without flinching ?

Jorge- all the questions my husband asked and still asks. He felt like plan B.

[This message edited by pinkpggy at 6:18 PM, December 1st (Saturday)]

I am so sorry for your pain.

As a BW myself, I also don't believe in the fog. The fog is a good excuse for feeling emotions for someone else that shouldn't have been felt by your spouse.

My WH told me that he never experienced this other than "missing a friend...the habit of talking to her everyday."

The AP told my WH after dday (yes, he was in touch for a couple of weeks ) that she felt physical pain. He denied that he ever felt the physical pain that "break-ups" bring.

I actually believe him here...I did not see any pining at all.

Again, I don't believe in the fog. We have all experienced difficult break-ups where we are "in pain." An A is not a "break-up." It's an A. As much as I hate to say it, I agree with the other posters who say that what is said in the first few days after dday are the true feelings.

But I will say this-move out, go live your life. But if you still feel you are deeply in love with her and want to choose the difficult road of R, then at least try. Try for yourself not for her. Try because if it doesn't work, then at least you can say that you gave it your all.

Sometimes it's a dealbreaker. For me, it was a dealbreaker. I have given him another chance...actually more than one chance. But it's ok if it's a dealbreaker for you and you won't be able to live with her decision. You didn't make the decision nor did you give her permission to do what she did. It's a natural consequence of her bad decisions.

Strength to you.

Jorge

You present excellent questions. I have thought of all of them.

The short answer could be yes. But I can't lie and say I didn't have those feelings. I had them all. It was intense. But then you wake up and realize the truth.

Like the sex- I thought the sex with AP was amazing. But in reality he had to take Viagra, he was on the smaller side and had performance issues. But how he made me feel was what actually felt good, his attention to me, my need for him to stroke my ego. Not the sex.

There are many layers involved.

pinkpggy and Jorge

Can you please explain "Plan B" to me ?

Pinkpggy, what kinds of questions did your husband ask you concerning Plan B?

[This message edited by NotToday1971 at 6:27 PM, December 1st (Saturday)]

Pinkpggy

Are you saying a WS can wake up and realize they didnt love the AP at all much less more than their spouse like my wife ?

Are you saying a WS can wake up and realize they actually didnt want to be married to their AP if that was their previous hope like my wife ?

Are you saying a WS can wake up a realize they didnt enjoy sex with the AP at all even if they thought it was better than sex with their spouse in the fog like my wife ?

[This message edited by NotToday1971 at 6:31 PM, December 1st (Saturday)]

At the left hand side of the page is a section that says library. It contains a wealth of information and question and answers section that you may find helpful.

Plan B is the plan of staying with your spouse if the affair doesn’t work out. Many BS feel they are plan B after an affair.

Sorry for your pain.

Pretty simple. Plan A was the lover. He's unavailable, so you're Plan B. She probably pursued him aggressively for a few weeks and confirmed his unavailability. She then turned to you, Plan B. The divorce plans awakened her to the reality that she's coming up empty. Plan A is gone and Plan B (you) is almost gone.

Her consequences are coming home to roost. With the answers she gave you, you'd be checking on her night and day for quite some time, if not for the remainder of your married life. She didn't blink an eye in telling you he was better than u in every possible and meaningful way.

If he wasn't caught by his wife and based on answers she gave you after D-day, the affair would still be going on. He pretty much controlled every facet of her being. She still "feels" his presence per her answer to your question concerning romantic feelings. Tough to get past that.

Jorge

You present excellent questions. I have thought of all of them.

Pink, how do you answer him? Your response might help not today 71.

@NotToday1971

Based on your post, your WW would have LEFT you for OM if she had had the chance at Dday or shortly after (maybe even today), she was DUMPED by OM so after mourning her intense long A with OM (besides STILL now having mixed emotions of hate and love and missing him) she's coming to terms her plan A (OM) has left the building and her plan B (YOU) is about to leave as well so this is a last ditch effort to keep you keep aka plan B in place, maybe forever or maybe until she can resume the A with Plan A (OM) or another Plan A enters the picture (a new A with OM2) in the future, heck as a matter of fact she's now a proven cheater and a liar so this may not even be her first rodeo.

I know you're trying to see if your WW is honest about the feelings she had/as for OM or not, but one thing is for sure, ALL CHEATERS LIE, even if you give her the benefit of the doubt, to her those feelings were very real at the time and she would have made ALL her decisions based on what she thought was true at that time, that she loved/enjoyed OM more than YOU her husband of 25 years, therefore she would have left you for him, he didn't even give her the chance but she would have left you had he just snapped his fingers (maybe even now).

I'm not saying (R) is not possible but an LTA like hers involves thousands for lies for months, maybe sloppy seconds, exposing you to STDs, etc., have you exposed her A with ALL family and close friends ? has she apologized to her children and both your parents for her HUGE betryal ? was this a workplace A and if so has she quit/offer to quit her job and find another one ? in order for R to even have a chance at success your WW needs to be trully remorseful (not just regretful she got caught), she needs to HATE the A and OM and not because he dumped her and lied to her (what if he hadn't lied) but because the A destroyed her family, her reputation and dignity and your WW at least right now is not even close to that, not by a long shot.

File for D now, it takes a long time and you can stop it before it's final if by any chance your WW comes around and shows true remorse and begs you for a 2nd chance, commits to NC FOREVER with OM, sends an NC FOREVER letter approved by you (no sweet goodbyes) if any of her friends knew about/enabled the A they need to go as well, offers FULL on demand access to her phone and ALL her electronic devices and passwords, gets tested for STDs (you should too), offers to write a timeline of the A with all the details you need, offers to take a polygraph to back up her answers and to see if this was her only A since you've been together, apologizes to the entire family and agrees to sign a post-nup giving up alimony and taking less from marital assets then and only then should you JUST CONSIDER stopping the D and offer her the gift of R, or NOT!!!, either you get out of infidelity.

Can you please explain "Plan B" to me ?

Her AP was plan A. Your wife told you as much. He was her preference, not you. She wanted to have sex with him, be with him, and marry him. The affair would still be going on to this day if not for his wife discovering and outing it. If your WW's AP had been willing to leave his wife for your WW, your WW would have left you for him.

The weeks since DDay have been her coming to terms with the fact that she can no longer have what she truly wanted: her AP. Now she's trying to keep her backup option: you. You are Plan B. Not what she wants, but what she'll take now that her preferred option is off the table.