SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So you're and a half ago my significant other a 10 years had an affair. His first physical affair but he had had emotional ones every year since we've been together. I couldn't get over the physical and we did couples therapy and we both did individual therapy but two months ago I decided to end the relationship. Problem is because we own our home together and neither of us have anywhere to go and we have one 6 year old child we are still living together until I can get an equity loan to buy him out of the house. The first month after The Break-Up I was fine even happier than I've been in a long time. Now that it's getting into being almost 3 months I'm really starting to second-guess and regret my decision and wondering if I should have just given it the 6-month idea of being platonic roommates but still going on dates to see if you could rebuild my love and Trust. And even scarier is now that both of our families and all of my friends know what let us to this point I will lose a lot of people in my life. One of them being my best friend and someone who is more like my sister that has been in my life for the last 17 years. She would lose her s*** if I went back to him and probably never speak to me again without angry she got at me for even just bringing it up. Is it normal to feel this regret and pain from finally walking away or did I really make a mistake

Why do you regret it. You say he has always cheated. If you had moved out or forced him to move you wouldn’t feel this way now. Sell the house and split it don’t buy him out. The sale will be faster.

Is it really regret? Or is it fear?

Everyone second guesses themselves around here. Everyone.

You're thinking about trying to reconcile with a serial cheater. The common wisdom around here is to run. Sure you may lose some family and friends along the way. But remember, you didn't cause this. He did. Anyone who would judge you for walking away from a cheater honestly doesn't deserve to be part of your life.

Follow through with the divorce. If in, say, a year's time he has really done a crap ton of work to make himself a safe partner, then maybe you could test the waters for reconciling. But you'd save yourself a world of pain by walking away.

There's a thread here in S/D called "Fear vs. Reality". I'll bump it for you. It'd be a fair guess that you're stuck in the fear regarding the "what if's" if you left. But as I commented on another member's thread, think about the "what if's" if you stayed. You'd always be looking over your shoulder for the next time he cheats. And almost 100% he will, because he hasn't done enough work to figure out why he chooses infidelity to deal with his issues.

I can't think of one person who ultimately regretted leaving their cheating spouse. Sure, initially you'll second guess yourself. But once everything settles and you look back at your M, leaving will have been the best choice FOR YOU.

[This message edited by squid at 10:45 AM, December 2nd, 2018 (Sunday)]

I didn't want to thread-jack the other thread so I'm quoting what you said here:

And I am constantly confronted with staying with the life that I've known since I was 19 or being alone and possibly never finding anybody again. Not being able to afford to live on my own. Him actually changing and me walking away without giving it another chance. I guess right now I'm in a state of constant fear and I recognize no realities yet and I'm struggling to not take him back like he is begging because according to him I'm his soulmate and the only person he really wants to be with and love and take care of and have more children with.

Soulmate?? You mean the kind that stab each other in the back? Hogwash.

What he's really telling you is that he wants you as his "Plan B" to stay at home and take care of the kids while he's out looking for his "Plan A" fantasy. Cake eating at it finest.

He's had 10 years to "change". The person that you see now is who he really is. Not the person that you thought you married. He's cheated on you since the beginning of your relationship. I guarantee once you get some space from him and things settle down you'll feel a lot better with your choice. I'm not saying he can't change, but he's shown you over and over who he really is. And he's ratcheting up his pattern, escalating from EA's to PA's. What's next? LTA's with a love child?

There's a quote we like to use around here: "When a person shows you who they are, believe them the first time."

Really sorry you're here. Hugs.

His first physical affair but he had had emotional ones every year since we've been together. I couldn't get over the physical and we did couples therapy and we both did individual therapy but two months ago I decided to end the relationship

I know it is hard to go through this. My first husband was this way. I didn't make it that far. But he didn't wait that long to have a "physical affair"

It took me a while to realize that infidelity is infidelity I was not the first person in his life. I wasn't even the second person in his life. (I ranked about 6th) It made D much easier.

You deserve someone that can put you before themselves. Unless DH is willing to put you first (even before your children) BEFORE HIMSELF then unfortunately it won't work. As husband and wife we are supposed to put each other first otherwise marriage doesn't work.

Could it be that you are just scared of being alone and not used to being alone? 10 years is a long time to be half of a couple. It feels foreign to be alone. But that doesn’t mean it is wrong. When my divorce with my XH was finalized we both felt scared and talked about reconciling right away. I KNEW I didn’t want him back but it felt more comfortable to me. We had been separated for months and I was not yet adjusted and missed being half of a couple, even though logically I knew this was 100% the right choice to make. My brain knew it was right but my wimpy heart wanted a warm body to cuddle at night, even though it was attached to a douchebag personality. We talked about it and during that time he confessed that he had fucked my best friend a few weeks before, after we had separated but our divorce was not yet final. That sure snapped me back to reality! But my brain knew before that – this was the right choice for me. It is ok if you are struggling or if it is hard. It is hard for everyone in the beginning. Give yourself some time.

I want to echo everything that’s been said by previous posters. I was so distraught four months after the divorce was final that I decided to give him another try. In my heart I knew it couldn’t work, but I was desperate to take a break from the pain. It lasted maybe six weeks tops. His words were just words and he was doing nothing to change or to own what he had done. Fast forward five years. He is cheating on his new fiancé. It is who they are and it is what they do. Please don’t let the fears and challenges of starting over blind you to what your life would look like if you stayed. The cheating would never have stopped.

I was second guessing myself tonight....after a rough day with D details....I just wanted the pain to end… it would be devastating in my case, to ever really consider it....You just want the pain to end so badly...

Then I spent a few hours watching, reading and ordering more books on narcissism...WH is NPD x 1000..and I have to remember the real man...not the pretend man he portrayed...I really liked that pretend guy...

DId you journal? did you collect information about your situation? IT does good to go over these things, when you hit a bump...NOthing has changed... Its exactly the same...

I always point out to myself...if my marriage failed after a great start...with great hope...and great promise. Every opportunity...how could it survive after an A, and all the verbal and emotional damage after the A? How can a cheater return from that far away place? ITs not likely to succeed at all...and also...NPD...there is never hope...I keep moving forward..Its just a bump.

[This message edited by cancuncrushed at 11:31 PM, December 3rd (Monday)]