SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

For those of you who did improve your sex life after the affair how did you do it ?

i kind of forced myself to do it. at the start... it was hard and i kept seeing him and them and we'd have to stop. now there are some instances where the sex feels the same as before but majority of the time i just want to cry.

i feel like we are getting there one painful sexual encounter at a time

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[This message edited by loladoll at 1:54 AM, December 13th (Thursday)]

Honesty about how we felt about sex. No question unanswered. And lots of research. There’s some great resources out there. Recently I’ve been trying an approach recommended by a sex therapist and it has been a lot of fun.

littleAvocet what is your sex therapist suggesting

Our sex life was fine before and during the affair. It wasn’t the reason for his cheating.

I have to ask, why do all of your posts sound like poll questions?

Alas, I wish I could afford a real therapist. I’m trying something from a book by a sex therapist called Emily Nagasoki. It’s an approach designed to change the pursuing dynamic that we’d fallen into. You build up intimacy in stages after agreeing a set time period for not having sex.

For us, it was engaging in emotional intimacy in our marriage.

My W had always been ambivalent about sex. She wanted but feared the pleasure. Often she'd go into sex ambivalently.

One requirement for R was that she would say, 'Yes,' if she was ambivalent. She could still say, 'No,' and she could stop in the middle, but her default had to become 'Yes.' We negotiated that very early in MC.

It's been rewarding, even when I wear out before she does.

I didn’t. Our sex life is awful. It used to be amazing.

I was having better sex when I was 17 then I am as a married man of 37. It’s about as much fun as it sounds. After a recent talk with my 17 year old nephew, I realize he is also having a better sex life than I am. That’s a sobering thought. (Don’t worry, I gave him the proper lecture).

Meanwhile there are cheating men out there, and when their BWs find out, they give them sex like never before. I find this topic to be incredibly triggering, and I won’t put up with it forever.

[This message edited by Fenderguy at 9:53 AM, December 13th (Thursday)]

Meanwhile there are cheating men out there, and when their BWs find out, they give them sex like never before.

We had HB and that came to an abrupt end. It was weeks before anymore intimacy and then it sucked. I haven't had one real pleasurable experience and it is going to take a lot for me to even consider trying again. The emotional break-down afterwards is hell and I hate him for it when it happens.

It was strange how discussions about HB would pop up, it was like he was proud of those nights and used them as "see, we can get there," etc. But it just kept pissing me off that he was using that as some proud moment in his life and I laid into him. I kept feeling like a piece of meat rather than the broken, depressed person that needed to be taken care of; our marriage could absolutely no longer be about sex. It has to be about the intimacy, being emotional, being a stand up guy that makes me want to be with him. And he better damn well not make feel like I am some dog that's gotta be trained to feel like I want him again. You know what? Don't fuck somebody else.

The only way I am going to feel like I want to have sex again is if he breaks through my ice barrier and makes me fall in love with him again. If I want it, I'll tell him, but it's not going to be because I desire him. Nope, at least not now.

No longer will I let him take me for granted for all of the work I do everyday to make our life valuable and worth something and raising our kids while being a sidekick dad holding onto my coattails taking credit for our wonderful kids' accomplishments and beautiful souls. I had to take everything into my hands when it came to raising our kids because he was so selfish and didn't realize the time and money that it takes to raise them.

Sorry, maybe I went a little off topic, it hasn't been a good day. Just wanted FenderGuy to know, I understand.

After D-Day 1 we had HB and I thought true R. Sex life was great until False R. Then our sex life plummeted. So I'm like Fenderguy in that respect I don't feel attracted to or connected to my WS in an intimate way. Sex is sex now.

We didn't have any HB. It took six months after dday before we had sex again and it was awful at first. Not because of mind movies, as I don't think about his AP at all when we are intimate. The problem we had and are still working through, is re-connecting with each other. It's a very slow process.

I'm like crazy blindsided except I eventually stopped having sex with him altogether.

That's what his ap is for

This is the one area in which I feel lucky vis a vis others that are here.

We've had a great sex life since the affair (even though I didn't know about it for five years) and since the disclosure of the affair.

The one issue that has come up is mind movies when I'm with WW. She's been great about that, though.

Counting myself lucky on this one thing.

Well I’m at the point where it’s a very simple choice. If I stay, I’m damning myself to a life of mediocre, passionless sex with a woman who couldn’t care less. BUT, I get to be a Dad to my kids EVERYDAY, which is important.

If I leave, I could find somebody else and have a normal sex life, and become a weekend Dad. A child support Dad.

To me, it’s really no choice at all. Kids > sex life, every time.

[This message edited by Fenderguy at 3:22 PM, December 13th (Thursday)]

Option 3 is to get my sexual needs met elsewhere. But it’s not the sex I’m craving. I get plenty of passionless duty sex, no need to get it anywhere else. What I’m lacking is an intimate connection, and a partner who actually wants to have sex with me.

Plus I just couldn’t go through with it.

Fenderguy, I totally relate to everything you’ve written. I just wanted to say you’re not alone. I have the exact same shitty dynamic in my M.

Kids > sex life, every time.

If only these cheating a-holes understood the importance of this.

...oh, wait!! They were too smart, they weren't going to ever get caught, no consequences!

Our sex life improved drastically, but the price for it may be too high. It could also be that my baseline was so low. I am one year after DDay. We went through months of HB. I used sex for emotional reassurance and confidence building. I basically needed reassurance daily. I was also buying clothes and lingerie to lift my mood. I was in competition with AP in my mind even though my H ended the physical part of the affair 1.5 years before DDay. Wearing new clothes made me feel sexier. Then, I also liked the weight loss from the loss of appetite and started working out again, which helped with confidence and thus sex life. In short, I tried to focus on improving myself to boost my sex life.

After HB is over and TT revealed more dirt about my WH, I am not so generous in bed anymore. I get grossed out by what his skin has touched. If he had swam in feces, I wouldn’t still be this grossed out. So the following “solution” may not apply to you, but you may get the general theme. I think about what makes our relationship unique still. It’s going to be different for everyone. For me, it was he never loved them. So, we go with making love all the time. Eye contact, face to face, missionary where I feel I belong and safe. Sometimes I imagine the APs watching us make love, knowing that they will never be treasured like that. (Thanks to an SI suggestion.) The moment we go “hot” like during HB, I am out. It’s too much like his affair sex and I wonder if he is comparing us, etc.

The factors that we have going for us now:

1. We are emotionally more vulnerable.

2. There are no secrets driving a wedge

3. I feel completely in the right to not do anything I don’t want to even in the middle of love making, I can change my mind and he understands.

So to reclaim your love life, I would suggest working on yourself and going with what made you two special. Don’t limit yourself to positions and sex acts, think about feelings and moods and maybe places or hmmm...character. For example, WH was “strong and confident” with APs. I want “soft and gentle.”

I think sex life evolves, something that works now may not work next month or vice versa. I think you have to target exactly what’s bothering you and keep trying.