SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Anyone in R with a bipolar spouse?

Hardest damn thing.

My Wh is going thru a tough time and his dr is switching meds up. He is being very MEAN. I can’t get why someone would be cruel to their spouse like he is.

I have to keep telling myself it’s the illness. He doesn’t think you’re worthless. But damnit it’s hard. And after all the affair stuff, I definitely feel like he should treat me well! I took him back!

I've only had two real experiences dealing with truly bi-polar people. One was a client, and her husband had told me of her problem. Anytime she got stressed, like negotiating a remodel contract, she became belligerent and down right rude and nasty. I let it all slide, and once she became comfortable with me and the work, I never saw that side of her again.

The other was one of my brothers many wives. That bitch was bat-shit crazy. It lasted a year, and that was 11 months too long.

Honestly, I'm not sure it's worth the effort. Would I want to spend my life tiptoeing around their mental issues? It's not selfish to live your own life and be happy.

[This message edited by twisted at 9:59 AM, December 19th (Wednesday)]

I was married to a bipolar wife for 14 years. I didn't know she was Bipolar until the last 2 years. She had been diagnosed when she was younger but never believed the diagnosis and never mentioned it. Looking back I should have known, but I was young and didn't really understand what bipolar was. My ex didn't want R, she just wanted out. Her EA was basically her way of giving herself permission to get out of the marriage. Her AP didn't even know that there was and EA, it was all in her head. I didn't want the divorce.

The behavior you describe is pretty normal for a person with bipolar whose meds aren't quite right. I always said living with my ex was like being married to 4 different women, and I think one of them actually liked me. Mind you, my ex wasn't medicated until the about the time we divorced, but never stayed on meds very long. So mood swings were normal and extreme. I heard guys talk about their wives being moody, I had little experience with women, so being young and naive I assumed what I was going through was normal. I have been remarried for 11 years now. My current wife apologizes for being moody, I didn't even notice she was moody....

I know it takes time for the new meds to work, and getting the right med is tricky too. My ex could be mean at times and sweet others. She could be very self centered and mean when she was manic. She called my place of work to get me fired out of spite one time, just because she was mad at me. Luckily, she told me her intentions and I was able to warn HR of her impending call, and she did call. This was after we had been divorced for 7 years.

As my ex got older she managed to alienate all of our kids (we have 5). She would refuse to take her meds, would see and hear things, and was homeless most of the last half of her life. She died of an aneurysm about 2 months ago while living in a homeless shelter. We had been divorced for 18 years. The kids and I tried to help her over and over, but she would use us and then tell us how horrible we were. She would self medicate with alcohol and marijuana.

Your in a very hard place, it's hard living with someone who has bipolar, probably just as hard as having bipolar. For me it was an emotional rollercoaster every day. I would call home before I left work and she would be in a great mood, I would walk in the house a half hour later and she would be screaming at me. I never would never know who I was coming home to.. My ex was an extreme case, and I believe the abuse she suffered as a child contributed to the way she handled the disease.

Hang in there. I do understand what your going through. On the rare occasions my ex was on the meds and they were working, she functioned well and was a very nice person. Once they get him balanced out things will be better. Be patient, getting the right med and the right dose is not a quick process.

Take care..

My WH is bi-polar. He had a few depressive episodes that led to his diagnosis, then started meds. Turns out he was far undermedicated and was put in a hypomanic state for months, that was when the A with an ex-girlfriend happened. Mostly sexting and long distance EA, but turned PA on one occasion.

The stress of Dday several months later and the discovery period led to more mania. At our first MC session, I witnessed a total manic episode similar to what Twisted described with the ranting, belligerence, the insults. It was enlightening for me, it really showed me the difference between the real him and the illness. That there are in fact 2 different sides. Before I felt like I was just making excuses for his cheating. He also attempted suicide around that time.

We went back to a new family doctor, who added a new med to stabilize him out of mania and gradually started long-term regimen. Those few weeks were a real roller coaster, and he spent a lot of time groggy and zoned out. But once up on the correct doses things improved. They've been better for almost a year.

He also self-medicates with weed, which I don't like.

I've never really been the target of his insults though, even in his bad moments. He can be thoughtless, self-absorbed, inconsiderate. But fortunately he is not mean or condescending to me or the kids.

I refuse to walk on eggshells in my marriage, even with bipolar. He knows that being responsible with his medication is a requirement of our reconciliation. So far, it has been worth the patience. Good luck to you on this journey.

Thank you for your stories- it’s nice to know I’m not alone. He has had his diagnosis for 8 years. I’m so damn frustrated that I told him to forget the doctors and pills, I liked him better when he was off all meds. Atleast then he got out of bed on the weekends.

He stays in bed all day Saturday and Sunday. Every weekend. For the past 8 years.

He blames me for everything, including things like, “I wouldn’t have done that if you’d been a better wife...”

I turned 40 a few weeks ago. I asked him to take me to a really nice restaurant as my gift. I wanted to dress up (I’m a stay at home mom and never get to dress up ). He told me, “you’re not worth it”

His psychiatrist told him to find a new doctor since he was not helping him... they have tried every medicine out there

We talk about his behavior all the time and how I’m not fufilled emotionally, and how I’m more of a caregiver. I’m not sure if if he’s a narcissist. Or sociopath as well.. but he’s selfish to an extreme degree, wants everyone to like him, and asks people what others think of him... this is a tough marriage

[This message edited by Gottagetthrough at 6:14 PM, December 20th (Thursday)]

Ugh. Mental illness. My WH is an extreme depressive. My former roommate was bipolar (she still is but I’m told her meds are good and she’s doing well...for her). Living with her was a nightmare. Oh the moods...at a drop of a word you could go from happy to locking the bedroom door and literally throwing everything that was glued down onto the floor and then passing out and sleeping for days with all the shades drawn in total darkness in the middle of summer. It was agonizing. I felt like a caretaker and suicide prevention agent or a psych ward nurse half the time. I’d be afraid to leave and then so relieved when I was gone I didn’t want to go back. 3 years of that was like a lifetime. Dealing with my WH’s total depression isn’t fun either but it sounds like a cakewalk compared to your situation.

Iis there any way you can get a way for awhile and let your head clear to see if you really want to do this anymore? There is no shame on giving up on something when it’s so abusive. You don’t have to be a martyr

Is he seeing a family doctor or a Psychiatrist? A psychiatrist will have a much better ideal of what meds will work for him. My ex went to a family doctor at first, and that didn't work at all, the only real help came when she started seeing a Psychiatrist regularly.

He’s seeing a psychiatrist- a new one so this last one told him to get a second opinion about what meds to use... he was not improving with the last doctors help.

My H I was diagnosed as bipolar after Dday. I had no idea but looking back ok things it makes sense. He cal also be mean and cruel but he never goes back to sologize later: he is on meds. Recently he wAnted to go off. I do not think it excused his cheating in any way. I know it is a mental illness but I have a very hard time determining his general jerkness verses being bipolar. I don’t k ow that I care anymore. I’m tired of the big swings and dealing with it on top of all the other hurt and pain.

Jesusismyanchor- I get that. I went to an appointment with my husband once. (I used to always go, now not as much.) I told his psychiatrist that he needed a med check, since he was just generally being an asshole all the time. With Wh there, he said, we’ll, some people are just assholes. It’s their personality, not having to do with bipolar at all.

He may be right there. I have met a lot of assholes in my life, and most were not bipolar.

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[This message edited by Broken5152 at 9:19 AM, January 11th (Friday)]

right after we were married my wife had the flu and I was taking care of her. I don't remember the details but I was trying to get her to take something and she went off on me bad! Ive never been talked to and hurt like that Ever, even after her EA. She tore me down limb by limb. I was heartbroken beyond belief. She spent about a half hour tearing into me. But I kept care of her and a day later she was better and able to go to work. She's never mentioned it since, that was 19 years ago. The things she said still hurt because she wasn't that sick and I think she really meant what she said but I chose to believe differently. Really nasty things. Oh well life goes on whether you want it to or not, with or without you. I don't know if shes bi polar or not but she can flip from one personality to another very fast.

Having said that I feel bad. maybe said more than I should have.....DOH!

My ex would go off on me with rants like that often. What a terrible person I was, How i never really cared about her. That alternated with what a great husband and father I was... I was always there, She never had to get out of bed to nurse any of our 5 children,I would get up and bring them to her. She was a stay at home mom, .. I guess in reality when she wanted to leave I should have been relieved.

I was relieved when I found out about her diagnosis, at least I wasn't going crazy and I though "at least this can be treated" and it might have been, if she would have just taken the pills.

When the relationship ended I remember reaching a point where I was looking at myself in the mirror and asked myself. "Why did you allow yourself to go through that" multiple years of IC later I realised that i was Co-dependant with major abandonment issues. IC changed my life.

Broken- I’m so glad that we can be here for each other, I also thought I was the only one going through this. It’s a crappy club to be in, but being able to see, it’s not me! My feelings are valid ! Is great.

It’s not me- yeah, codependent here. But I really think I stay because of finances and kids right now. It’s just I feel like I’m literally put through the wringer and just got out, and my head is fuzzy and I don’t know which way to go.

WH is AMAZING sometimes. When we were separated single dads would ask me and the kids to go out on play dates— which now I think was more than that. But the dads and I would always get around to talking about our exes (both men I’m thinking about were also separated at the time) and my mind would wander a bit and I’d think, nope, couldn’t date you. You’re not funny and silly and generally goofy like my WH. I LIKE my Wh. I LIKE hanging out with him. When he’s not irritable and manic and yelling at me for not putting fabric softener on his clothes or for not being nicer to his mother in 2004.

Our marriage counselor actually told us “I think Gotta likes the unknown parts of the relationship. I don’t think she’d be happy with “boring neighbor Bob” down the street.

I don’t know if that’s good or bad now, I took it as I should work for the relationship. Now I’m thinking maybe that meant I needed more IC.

[This message edited by Gottagetthrough at 6:53 AM, December 22nd (Saturday)]

If you think you might have needed more IC, maybe it wouldn't hurt. I learned a lot of coping skills for dealing with the manic stuff. I also learned when not to take things personally and how to live as a health person with or without my ex.

Honestly, if she hadn't left me I would probably still be going to IC occasionally just to deal with the abuse that comes with living with someone who is Bipolar. The sad thing is I really don't believe she ever meant to be abusive, she just reacted to what she was feeling and didn't have the tools she needed to handle it better. It had a lot to do with the way she was raised, by a bipolar mother, she honestly didn't know a healthy way to to deal with things, an I never set strong boundaries to protect myself.

I can say that for years I took things very personally. After his diagnosis I was somewhat freed from that, but not completely.

Now I realize his moods may not have been directed at me, I was just collateral damage. I could not have changed things. It was beyond me to make him happy. I want crazy for thinking my H was more than ‘snappy’. He was an absolute roller coaster ride that I didn’t know I bought a ticket to ride. I could never figure it out.

I do really have a hard time determining where the bi polar begins and A-hole ends with my H. His Christian IC told him that he was an A-hole My pastor sister told me everyone knows he can be an A-hole. He is just Really funny sometimes so people like it unless it is turned on them. Welcome to my life. It’s just hard for my personality type to have empathy for someone that doesn’t have empathy for me, or anyone else ( he doesn’t). I’m not the best example. It feels like I’ve paid the price for years from his issues.

I’m just putting true thoughts our there as his W. I do think it has helped me get to a place of forgiveness. I just don’t j ow that I can live this way.

[This message edited by Jesusismyanchor at 6:31 PM, December 22nd (Saturday)]

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[This message edited by Broken5152 at 9:20 AM, January 11th (Friday)]

My WH is bipolar type 2. He is doing his last week of TMS and I honestly can't believe the difference in him. He was already working on becoming a better person/husband, but he seems like a completely different person now. He is patient, thoughtful, compassionate, kind, he doesn't take everything as a personal criticism, he isn't having obsessive thoughts like he used to, he has follow through instead of getting stuck on "it will never work anyway so why try". Our insurance covered it (we have a co-pay), but I honestly can't believe the difference. If anyone is interested I will update in a month and let you know if the changes were long lasting.