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I experience frequent feelings of sexual worthlessness due to my wife's affair. I am also frequently physically jealous of her AP and my wife's desire for him.

If you made any progress on the feelings of sexual worthlessness and jealousy please tell me how you did it.

This is a major struggle for all of us whose WS was in a PA. I wish I could tell you there was some magic trick to getting through the mental comparisons and wondering “am I better than AP?” There isn’t. I will tell you what helped me beatvhe fact that my husbands OW was 14 years younger than me, thinner, larger butt (which he likes) and no csection scars.

1. EMDR therapy...takes the sting out of the mind movies and allowed me to focus on my healing

2. We had no hysterical bonding really and I think that helped me prepare myself mentally for the rebuilding of intimacy. I can’t be vulnerable with someone who I don’t trust.

3. OW may have been younger and better shape, but I am a truly good person who is kind and supportive and runs my home like a well oiled machine. If that isn’t attractive enough for him, he can walk through the door and not come back.

4. Your spouses AP may have appeared to be better looking or more buff or more tan or whatever. But each and every one of us has flaws we conceal. My husbands AP had large feet, probably a woman’s size 11. That makes me giggle to this day how she was not built proportionately.

Also I would caution to you to make sure you really want he answers to some questions. I left no stone unturned and I knew all the sex acts and the positions, etc. These can be harsh and many BS here have either demanded that their WS engage them in the same acts or refuse to do them altogether since they did them with the AP. Looking back now that was harmful to me for a long time and hindered my progress. I would still do it the same way, but it hurts like hell.

[This message edited by Marie2792 at 10:27 PM, December 22nd (Saturday)]

Sorry you're here and know exactly what you mean. Truth of it is, unless your wife is brutally honest, you will never know if he was a pornstar or a pencil dick. He could look like george Clooney or george burns, fact is, your wife wanted someone to feed her ego because she was screwed up! Not that you couldnt or didnt tell her the same things he did, but because someone else said it is was exciting and new and gave her a thrill. The "high" from the new relationship makes it much more appealing and rewarding. Had a counselor tell me it's like a new car, your proud to ride in it, keep it clean, show it off, have pride in it till it gets a little age or scratch or cost you some money, then it does what you need but it ain't the same. Being a guy, made sense to me. You need to look at what he is, a lowlife slime that pursues married women that lies, steal and cheats to make himself happy.

I might not be the best looking sob in the world, bit there are lots of women who would LOVE to have a man that is faithful, loyal and truly love them, that's me. And I will guarantee you if I left mine tomorrow it wouldn't take long to find a woman who was looking for someone just like that and was willing to give the same back.

Give yourself a break brother, this wasn't about you, or even him so much as it was all about her!

I doubt this is helpful in your particular situation, but I left my 42-year-old husband who cheated on me with prostitutes in their early 20s and had a ONS with a 26-year-old hot soldier. I had sex with a man 19 years my junior who was way hotter than my XWH. My WH had to pay for it.

If there's a point to this, it's that if you had been a cheating douche in the marriage, you also could have had someone younger and hotter than your spouse and it's pretty easy to do it. That they did and could is no reflection on you. That they cheated makes them pathetic, period. You could have done the same and found someone hotter than your spouses, but you didn't. You didn't because you are good people with empathy and honor. You would not have made them feel that way.

[This message edited by DevastatedDee at 11:33 PM, December 22nd (Saturday)]

Here is a small (not at all complete) list of female celebrities who have been cheated on:

Halle Berry

Eva Longoria

Sandra Bullock

Jennifer Aniston

Sienna Miller

Elizabeth Hurley

Shania Twain

Christie Brinkley

Reese Witherspoon

Denise Richards

Katy Perry

Jennifer Garner

What would you say if one of these women came to you and told you they are having feelings of sexual worthlessness due to their partner's affair?

Do you really think any of them got cheated on because they are no fun in bed?

Cheaters don't cheat because there is something sexually wrong with their partners. Cheaters cheat because there is something wrong with THEM.

My WH told his AP I was "too skinny." I am 5'2 and weigh 115 pounds. Also that I don't give enough oral, etc. (sorry for TMI)

All this tormented me for a long time and I wasted way too long feeling insecure because my WH was a broken, shitty person.

I started getting over it when I realized: the AP was an insecure, obese woman. My WH was using me, his loving wife, as a pick-up prop. He was playing on HER insecurities about HER body, to make her feel like the thing she was insecure about (her weight) was actually the thing that made him want her. And he did this at my expense.

He did this because he had chosen to become a very, very ugly person. I never stopped being beautiful, or desirable, or deserving of a partner who wanted only me. Once this really sunk in, I had my worth back, and it was no longer anyone else's to rob me of.

At that point, it became his job, if he wanted any chance at R, not to prove to me not that I was beautiful, etc. (because I already knew that), but that I was not WASTING MY LIFE with someone who would prefer me to be anything other than exactly what I am, physically and sexually. I can say that he has done that, every day. This isn't why I am no longer insecure, it's just why I'm still here.

So my advice is this:

1) When sexually worthlessness arises, TURN IT AROUND. Your wife's A was not about YOUR lack of worth, but HERS. Think about the worth she sacrificed to do what she did. AP too. They did the moral equivalent of smearing shit all over themselves. What they did wasn't sexy. It was gross.

2) When jealousy arises, remember that what your WW offered AP was the WORST, GROSSEST, LEAST ATTRACTIVE part of herself. The dregs and offal of her personality. She made him her dirty little secret. She gave him a liar and a cheat. He did the same for her. You are so much better than that. There is nothing there for you to be jealous of.

3) To the vast majority of women, there is nothing sexier in a man than devotion and fidelity. There have been so many threads here about women who have lost physical/sexual attraction to their WH's after the A. Because what they were attracted to in the first place was not the objective physicality of their H, but the belief that he was a good, loving, loyal man. Without that, whatever good looks or prowess in bed might remain, it is like an empty skin. NOT sexy.

3) Understand that there are many women who would look at you and see THEIR version of "perfect," physically and sexually. You DESERVE to spend the rest of your life with one of THOSE women, and not waste your time with someone who cannot see you in that way. If your wife is one of those people, you will need her to prove it to you (if R is on the table). If not, she is not WORTH YOUR TIME. This is how you need to re-frame your thinking.

YOU ARE THE PRIZE.

WorstClubEver Your list of all the gorgeous women who were cheated on makes an excellent point. Thank you.

[This message edited by iPhone at 2:38 PM, December 23rd (Sunday)]

I am experiencing the same feelings. I feel unwanted and discarded. And traumatized by WH Affairs.( meaning I don’t know if I can allow myself to have sex again, to fearful of getting that close again. Living a celibate life is hell, especially when you find out your spouse has been screwing someone else)) WH continued to treat me like a queen while saying he had ED while he was screwing his whores. He started withdrawing sex from me when I started confronting him about his affair with mow #1. WH was angry that I confronted him, had another affair bc he was angry I told OBS.

I deal with a lot of loneliness do to his screwed up thinking of WH.

My wh used comparisons to get the m/cow to up her game. He never disparaged me, but held me up as a woman she couldn’t compare to. How fucked up is that?

But I have huge insecurities as a result of the affair. I can’t compare to a woman who pulled out all the stops so she could blow him. She would drive hours on a Saturday afternoon, leaving behind a husband and 4 kids so she could show my wh what he meant to her and what he could have. They were all about showing how awesome they were, not about how much they cared about each other. And he played right along and triangulated her, telling her he wasn’t leaving me ever (while driving to the hotel to bang her) so she would try even harder. And now, even 4-5 years later, my self confidence in having sex with my husband is shot to hell.

So the ow doesn’t have to be younger, hotter, etc to cause the insecurities. This one was a married piece of white trash who was always on her knees. I’ll never be that and he wanted that.

WorstClubEver,

Very great points, but what about when the cheater marries her AP? That's my situation. It's very hard to stomach that this pathetic OM gets to spend nearly the same amount of days with my DDs as I do, since my exWW and I have 50/50 custody. And, he shows up to functions at my kids' school. Neither my exWW or OM have faced any true consequences to their actions, and the unfairness of it all is so challenging for me to deal with.

GTS

Gently, you and they and I make the comparisons based on images/thoughts/feelings in your head. They come from messages you/they/I generate. It's probably a result of turning emotional pain inward and blaming yourself for your WS's failures as a person and as a partner.

You generate the comparisons. You're the only one who can stop them.

I'm not saying it's easy. I'm just saying it's eminently possible to stop the messages and that only the person making the comparisons can stop them.

[This message edited by sisoon at 10:36 AM, December 24th (Monday)]

WorstClubEver, thank you for that post!

Worstclubever - thanks for that.

A straight up brilliant understanding and explanation of both the necessity and value of self worth.

But in my case, I am overweight and I know that is a turn off for him. I was when I met him but gained more after. Up and down in my weight, I am on the up, was during the affair. She is like anorexic thin, 15 years younger, and absolutely beautiful. It's gut wrenching. But like it has been said, I may not be a raving beauty, but I know in my heart, I am a good person. The fact that she did what she has done with my husband makes her an ugly person. And him, as well.