SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Read up:

You will never get it 100% because you aren't on the receiving end but this will help.

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/reconciliation/what-every-wayward-spouse-needs-to-know.asp

Is the AP a coworker? Friend to you and your H?

How long have you been married.

I'm assuming your H discovered the affair? No confession?

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/articles.asp

There are many great articles here. Start reading.

Knowledge right now is what you need.

I never deemed my husband worthless nor did I ever stop loving him no matter what any book says. I simply wanted two men at one time. I never thought of leaving him or my family. I was a cake eater.

You're saying that you never stopped having loving feelings towards your BS. The problem is that doesn't mean much to many BS. Many BS view love as a verb. It's not just a feeling you have inside, it's the choices you make and the actions you take with your BS in mind.

You might as well be saying, "I never stopped loving him no matter what any book says," meanwhile he's laying on the floor bleeding to death and YOU are the one standing over him holding the knife.

An affair is one of THE most hurtful, unloving, abusive choices someone makes, one that affects your marriage completely, and your husband had zero say in the matter. Does that sound like love to you?

Dday for us was about six months ago. He has asked countless questions about my affair and AP. I have asked every single question with honesty and in detail. This was the advice of my IC but he is still stuck on the romantic and sexual details. I dont know what to do.

An affair is hidden with lies and deceit.

If you were him would you believe anything at this time?

You are in self preservation mode. Back off and respect his wishes to be alone but be available if needed. He needs to be able to think. His decision is out of your hands.

The good thing is. He's still there and apparently hasn't filed.

How long was the affair?

[This message edited by Marz at 10:50 PM, December 31st (Monday)]

1970, please take ibonnie's post to heart. Love is much more than a feeling, and we show the people we love that we love them by the choices we make with regards to them. Love is respect, it's consideration, it's kindness, it's sacrifice, it's making the well-being of your loved one a priority.

An affair is proof positive of an absence of love. It's disrespect, it's utter lack of consideration, it's meanness, it's selfishness, and it's making the well-being of your loved one less than an afterthought.

You can't tell someone you never stopped loving them when you've just driven a knife into their guts and twisted it a few times for good measure.

My AP was a coworker. He quit his job after his wife discovered the affair and made him get a new job. AP was not a friend to my husband. We have been married 16 years. I confessed to the affair after AP's wife discovered it. I thought she might call my husband. She never did.

I confessed to the affair after AP's wife discovered it. I thought she might call my husband.

Two good things.

A confession is always better than discovery. Even under your circumstances.

AP is no longer a coworker. No contact will be easier. Affairs are like addictions if you have contact the affair will continue.

How long was the affair?

Did you ever introduce AP to your husband, family disguised as a friend, etc?

Did you ever have him in your home?

The reason I ask is these actions can cause even more damage.

[This message edited by Marz at 11:48 PM, December 31st (Monday)]

You don't know whether or not your AP was having sex with others.

Cheaters lie a lot.

It would be wise to get a full STD test ran.

You never know how these things are going to turn out. It is totally up to him at this time.

He's been there for 6 months so he is thinking about his options. He didn't file upfront. So there is a chance.

Your actions will tell him more than your words.

Spend time reading and understanding as much as you can.

There is a wealth of knowledge here. Remember 2-5 years.

Infidelity never goes away completely but it can dissipate over time if you are willing to put in the effort. It takes two !!!!

You can't do it alone.

Never say it was a mistake. This was a choice. A decision you consciously made. It just didn't happen.

Take full ownership and fix yourself. Your H may come around. He may not but if you don't remake yourself it could happen again and ruin other relationships if this one ends.

[This message edited by Marz at 12:06 AM, January 1st (Tuesday)]

1970: All of your posts so far are about what you want, or what you are trying to do. Real empathy is shown by figuring out what your BH wants and making that happen.

Frankly, to me, though your posts give us very little to work with, you sound narcissistic and entitled. I am trying to be helpful, like many posters here, but there is so little to work with. And I don't just mean so little information in your posts. I mean the tone of your posts is all about you. As the WW, your focus should be on your BH, yet, even though your posts contain almost no information, we know a lot more about you than about your BH. The opposite of empathy.

You will probably get a lot more advice if you post in General, with more actual information about your A, and about how/when/why your BH discovered it.

[This message edited by Butforthegrace at 8:09 AM, January 1st (Tuesday)]

You will probably get a lot more advice if you post in General, with more actual information about your A, and about how/when/why your BH discovered it.

The description of the general forum says, "Betrayed Spouse venting is to be expected and emotions may run high."

Let's be real -- if she posts in general, she's going to get hit with lots of responses from hurt BSes that are going to come across as an attack to a new WS. She'll probably be on the defensive, and rather than see the useful advice through the responses from hurt and traumatized betrayed spouses, tune out the advice. Do you really think she's going to find useful advice there right now? And not just feel attacked, blame SI and not return?

I think the wayward forum is a lot more compassionate for WS who are perhaps just starting on their journey to "get it." Rarely have I seen a WS that truly gets it right off the bat, and shows remorse, rather than regret.

I hope you keep reading and posting, 1970.

You've had much feedback here. I think you know his spirit has been assassinated. He simply could not have experienced more humiliation and emasculation than saying what was said to him. I realize you can't express yourself without him permitting you to do so, but at the same time, you must recognize he competed for his own wife and was soundly defeated in the game of love and sex by the AP. If this was a football game, it was 50 to 0 and the other man had 50. Your husband was whipped badly on his own field and the opposing team’s dominance has him questioning himself and his worthiness.

A few thoughts from his point of thinking:

* You stated you meant the things you said at the time they were said, but you no longer believe them. The fact that you meant what you said at ANY time is what's significant and is what your husband recalls and feels when you walk into his space.

* The affair concluded because the AP's wife found out. Your husband has to be thinking, what if she didn't find out. Your confession was damage control by beating AP’s wife disclosure to the punch. In other words, it was where you said, I'm recommitting to my marriage because I love my husband. It was an act of desperation to control the fallout. You get a little credit for confession, but as you well know it wasn't of your own accord, circumstances forced you.

* Your husband may be thinking the only way you're not with AP is because AP didn't want you anymore. His Plan B status was confirmed, and he knows your affair ending was not because of him but because of what was happening in AP's life and marriage, not his. Further humiliation here.

* AP was irresistible to you, but you were just another AP to him. From your husband’s perspective, AP’s swift disposing of you reminded him that AP left him scraps. Problem is, those scraps are that of his wife. Emasculation personified.

* I believe anger felt by many BS comes from not just the pain of the betrayal, but also being confronted with two unattractive options. He either does nothing and lives with the shame of staying with the person that dehumanized him or divorce and lose the most important part of his life, his family and children. He loses big with either choice, so he's stuck with nowhere to go and seemingly no path to peace and personal happiness.

* Device monitoring - I was betrayed once by 2 fiancés. Not only was I livid from the betrayals, but what increased my anger was considering checking on my own fiancé to see if they were f'ing other people. I was embarrassed and humiliated at just the thought of this, so I never did it. I determined neither were worthy of my heart and commitment if I felt the need to monitor their activity. So, with respect to him not caring about your whereabouts or devices, it's possibly a humiliating trigger for him.

It’s saying, AP had a spell over my wife that I never did, and it’s conceivable that he’ll resume contact again in a few weeks or months and the affair will continue. And once contact is made, my wife is his to have and there’s nothing I can do about it. More than likely is his uncaring disposition is preserving his sanity to defend his heart. There's no pain like pain of a broken heart.

* He not only lost you, but you professed the AP as a strong preference. Your husband simply isn't healthy enough to place his heart in your hands or anyone's at this point and for the foreseeable future. His focus is no new hurts. Checking your location and devices places his heart at risk again as he may see clues of re-connection and he's not risking that, so his best defense is indifference.

* Regardless of your current thoughts of AP, I don't even think YOU know what you would do if the AP divorced or separated from his wife and contacted you. You have a track record of feeling different at different times. If your husband is rebuffing you and AP's wife has kicked him out, the AP's contacting you for sure.

Your affair was so lustfully charged, it’s possible AP's influence remains in you making his advances undeniable. Addictions defy logic and reasonable thinking of loved ones and such. Just like your marriage, kids and husband meant nothing to you before D-Day, so too can it be meaningless in 2019.

Your vulnerabilities and boundaries haven’t been tested, so it’s easy to talk tough. Months from now with your husband still ice cold, the warmth and attention of a man will present itself in time. I’m a man. I know how many men think. They know vulnerability and easy sex when they see it. It’s unmistakable for an experienced opportunist.

* Only he knows, but his apathy might simply be depression and sadness.His inability to engage and monitor your activity may just come from not having the emotional energy to do so. Being defeated can place one in a funk and depression where few things are meaningful. Not saying this is the case, but it's very frequent that the strongest willed people have thoughts of suicide following discovery, so keep in mind he might be not only be unwilling to engage you, but possibly incapable as well.

Lastly, you may have two things going in your favor.

1) A few weeks back, a poster shared a story very similar to yours. I won't reveal the name, but if he's your husband and he informed you about this site, then that has to be a good thing. Any suggestion from him on how you can come to grips with what you have done is good. It's small, but still.....

2) If he stays for the kids, you may have the luxury of time. You don't have to try and evoke responses from him, just diligently and quietly supply acts of servitude without seeking positive feedback. Just do it and be happy at the opportunity to do so. Keep your distance, but at the same time, fully observe his needs and when you can fulfill them with little to no words. Right now, his language is no language.

Fine, just speak with actions. His actions and body language will tell you everything you need to know over time. People don't stay mad forever. The pain will always be there, but in time his heart will soften. Him staying for the kids enables you to craft a long term, slow-moving strategy of actions.

It could be reading the bible and going to church every Sunday, coupled with an aggressive schedule of IC, showing no frustration and a quiet determined disposition that he sees consistently over a long time. You may have a long time to prove to him your devotion. Of course, it'll never be the same, and he may not want to reconcile, but if you can help him get to the point of just recognizing your presence, that would be an accomplishment.

[This message edited by Jorge at 4:01 AM, January 1st (Tuesday)]

I think you need to accept the reality: currently he may still be in this marriage for the kids and to have time to recover. Once he recovers (like all of us BSes) he will make that decision of staying and recommitting to the marriage or divorcing. What is left for you to decide is this: have you got it in you to become the best wife a man could wish for? Even in this dire circumstances? This is probably the worst thing that ever happened to him and a lot of us BSes. I know that the only thing in life that would hurt more than this is losing a child, other than that the betrayal of your spouse is the worst pain I have experienced.

So rather than set your expectations high for reconciliation in your shoes I would prepare myself for some really tough times. Really tough. This could be the toughest times you have ever experienced. You’ll be constantly put down, devalued, called names, rejected. Basically he’ll make you feel the way he feels now every second of his day.

Your choice is: have you got the determination to show him you’re a changed person? Have you changed? Do you understand the change you need to make in order to become a person worthy of his love and commitment?

You both need counselling also. You to understand what made you so entitled to destroy a man’s reality and be so deceitful and him to get the support he needs to deal with the hole you’ve thrown him in.

What are you really expecting your husband to do?

You humiliated him. You emasculated him. Please don’t minimise because that makes it worst.

His mind is consumed by the betrayal. And of course he’s only staying in this marriage at this stage for his children. He is making that sacrifice. You know, the one you didn’t make for your family when you decided to have an affair. Many BS would have dumped their cheating wayward partners if they didn’t have children. Your children have saved your ass. For now.

You have a very long road ahead. Don’t expect miracles. Be kind. Give the man room. And give him your undivided attention. Place yourself in his shoes for just a day and see what it feels like to be stabbed in the back by the person they should be seeking safety from. The person they trusted.

I embellished frequently in those sexts to compliment my AP and make him feel good so he stayed interested.

I also saw my husband's emails to OW. He also told me that he was lying to keep the affair going. When asked how it was possible for me to believe that he was lying and not telling the truth in the emails, he told me that he remembered writing them and and remembered trying to come up with the words that would be most effective to keep OW interested Point is, that she was ALREADY interested, so why bother embellishing? In addition, he was lying about everything then, so not too much of a stretch imagining he was lying to her as well. Still to this day think that he was full of shit about the lying to her part as he still felt that she was sooooo amazing , but he has been scrupulously honest since his head popped out of his ass when he realized he was getting the boot. I have not found one instance in which he has been dishonest in the last 2.5 years (DDay October 1, 2015), but I still check. Oh yes, I still check.

Our therapist told me (in front of him, LOL) that he was a fucking liar and that I should not believe anything that came out of his mouth. I should watch his ACTIONS instead. I was told that it would take at least a YEAR of IC for my WH to become a better human being, and he was right. Our therapist told HIM that he needed IC and that he needed to put his big boy pants on and sit through all of my repetitive questions (due to the trauma), sobbing, screaming, etc., and answer honestly WITHOUT getting defensive, for there is NO DEFENSE for what he did. He did not get to participate in what I needed to begin to heal. He lost that right when he had an affair.

I wanted to die when I found out. The affair took everything I thought I had. I am a strong person and it broke me into pieces. I was diagnosed with PTSD. Your husband is trying to deal with an intense trauma of your creation. If he does give you the gift of R, know that you will have to work harder than you ever have for anything. Also know that, while he may agree to stay in the marriage he will never forget and that he will suffer as a result of your poor decision making for the rest of his life. It gets better for us, but the pain never really goes away.

I wouldn't give the OP false hope. Some people might not stay mad forever but there are people whose hearts will never soften towards their cheating spouse.

1970 have you given any consideration to telling your husband if he needs a separation from you that you understand and will support his choice? You leave the house...leaving the children with him, of course. There is no reason he should lose time with his children and they are the only thing keeping him hanging on right now. Maybe not having you there will help him, maybe not - but at least offer him the choice.

People don't stay mad forever. The pain will always be there, but in time his heart will soften.

I am not going to voluntarily give my husband a separation. I want to stay married. I want our children to have both parents in the house as they grow up.

It rings hollow that now your children and marriage are a priority

If he needs the time/separation a truly remorseful person would do what was needed in order to help him heal.