SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I do agree that it would be a bad idea for you to offer a separation to your BH. I think your only hope for R, albeit a slender hope, is to cling to him as tightly as you can and tell him that if he wants you gone he's going to have to physically push you out of the house.

Sorry, this crosses the line. WS does not have to offer separation/divorce. But there are kids involved here. We all know many BS here whose primary, maybe only, reason for reconciling is kids. WS charged on heedless of impact on children, perhaps even banking on the fact that the hands of the BS would be tied.

To recommend to a WS that they make separation/divorce physically difficult is inviting a spiral of abusive behavior, IMO. Presumptively there is an agreement here that adultery is a morally valid reason for separation/divorce. Implying that physical resistance to that is okay is putting the needs of the WS ahead of the marriage.

Striver, I disagree. If the WW were to offer separation/divorce so soon after DDay, the BH would most likely see that as a confirmation that she has given up on the marriage.

There are multiple threads here on SI where couples successfully R'd, or at least have moved forward on the path of R, even where the BH flat-out told the WW that he wanted a D and he wanted her to "get the fuck out of the house." In most of those threads, the WW stubbornly indicated some version of "I'm here forever, because I love you. If you want me gone, you'll have to force me out, because I'm not giving up on us." In the case of many BH's, that is actually what they want and need, a WW who will fight to keep him, who will show some sign of being proactive and engaged in proving her love for him.

Butforthegrace,

Don't agree. Read Hikingout, who is typically one of the WS here who is on a good path. I do not recall her ever threatening her BH with problems if he divorced her. She did beg and plead. That is okay.

WS already blew up the marriage, already has made their opinion, at least during the A, loud and clear. In this case of the OP I don't know what she could do to walk what she did back. People are giving her push back, saying that she was lying about what she wrote isn't going to work. I don't know what you do to fix that.

At this point this thread is just another impatient WS who has not really done her work. OP needs to stop denying that she wrote what she wrote. She did it, she needs to own up to it. That would help me whether the marriage survived or not.

If you are reading my post as suggesting that 1970 "threaten problems", then you are misreading my post. To 1970, if that is what you are reading, then I apologize. The poster Striver refers to is specifically one that I'm thinking of. There, her BH told her flat out that he was done and wanted a D, but rather than roll over and accept that as a fait accompli she made it clear that she was not going to choose to leave on her own and did not want a D.

@Fenderguy..that might be good advice if you're giving it to a remorseful WS. But that's not the OP. She's still lying,still

minimizing, is here asking how to make her husband get over it(not through it), still selfish, and her posts show a lack of empathy. It's all about her and how she's upset he wont believe her. To tell an unremorseful WS,who is six months past dday, that her BH needs to get with the program and start working on the marriage in the next six months or she should file is incredibly unfair to her husband. Especially considering the added abuse.

[This message edited by HellFire at 8:17 AM, January 2nd (Wednesday)]

The OP's husband's sexuality has been literally obliterated - not only by the fact she had a physical affair, but by all the things she wrote to her AP that her husband read. Sex is everything to most men - their whole identity is wrapped up in their sexuality. In the end, this is the crux of the matter. Does anyone really believe he will EVER come back from this if he stays with the OP? Even if he doesn't stay with the OP, he's going to need some extensive counseling to help him understand that it wasn't HIM that made her cheat - it was HER and it continues to be her. He may stay because of the children but I highly doubt that marriage will ever bring anyone any happiness.

I know marriages can come back from affairs but seriously, how often does one come back from a situation where the husband has been so completely destroyed by reading his wife fucked and enjoyed fucking another man more than him?

My observation has been that women often under-estimate the degree to which a man's sexuality is highly fragile and will retreat if threatened or injured.

JT 4855: I agree with you. 1970 tells us she mocked and belittled her BH's sexual prowess in writing to her AP. Most men would never be able to get over that to a point where they could re-establish a relationship with the WW who said those awful things. She may as well have tied him to a wooden chair and pounded a nail through his dick into the chair for the amusement of another man, but then, after getting caught, promised him that she would be safe for him in the future. I honestly give this marriage very little chance.

Are you in IC ? I'd bet you don't really understand the root of why you made the choices that you did do you ?

Therein lies his issues. You are asking to understand something that didn't make sense to any but you. You need to start digging within yourself to see what made this choice seem acceptable to you. I totally believe the snap back to realty moment for you. A lot of WS follow a similar pattern.

You need to slow down and be patient. Right now everything needs to be about rebuilding trust. Research ways to do that.

Put yourself in his shoes. How believable would he be if you read and saw what he did ?

Talking to him while has no trust is pointless. Your #1 priority is lining up your words, and actions.

Also I know this is a little more complex, but I'd bet you are still lying to yourself on some level and maybe even harboring resentments. He sees that. He knows you better than you give him credit for. He believes everything to date is to keep the family intact only. You want to keep everything "the way that it was." I hope you unserstand it will never be like it was before. Different is just different, not better or worse. He is a means to an end and understandably feels less than loved by you. (His thoughts not yours or mine). Further your words aren't worth anything until you can restore trust nothing you say will ever ring true to him. Work on building trust. Actions and word need to line up perfectly.

Get into IC. Start there. Give him the space he asks for right now. If you want to be the best wife you can be then IC is the right place to start.

Don't mean to pile on but I agree with a lot of the posters. You are not remorseful at all. You are in survival mode and still have a wayward mentality.

1. You confessed to your BH because you want to beat the OBS to the punch and think that you will get credit for confessing as oppose to the OBS telling your BH. You did it for selfish reasons.

2. You're trying to back track on the things you texted to your AP regarding your BH's sexual inferiority. Again, you are doing this for selfish reasons.

3. You're planning to give your BH an ultimatum regarding his efforts towards repairing your marriage. Trying to dictate where he should be in the healing process. Again, you are doing this for selfish reasons.

I am not trying to bash you but you have no empathy towards your BH. What you are feeling is regret. You regret that you got caught. You regret that your no longer get to have SUPERIOR sex with your AP. You regret that you can no longer cake eat. You're doing the actions mentioned above so you can move on because it is uncomfortable for you.

Kindly answer this questions honestly.

1. If the OBS did not find out, will you still be having an A?

2. If the OBS did not find out, will you confess your A to your BH?

3. If the OBS did not find out, will you take back the things you wrote about your BH's sexual inferiority?

I already know the answers - NO, NO and NO

You need to comprehend the full extent of your family's destruction due to your selfish decision.

[This message edited by Hotdog at 10:15 AM, January 2nd (Wednesday)]

Well, the fact that your BH is still in the house and the fact that you are posting here mean that you have something to work with.

A few honest and hard observations: You are absolutely correct that your BH right now is staying for the kids. He also does not, cannot, trust a word you say right now. To him what you said in those texts was the absolute truth and any denials/minimizations on your part about their significance are self-serving lies. This is his reality now.

I'm a BH who was instantly done once my ex-WW's emails came to light. I've read through this thread and have thought about what she could have done to change that outcome. There are a few things, but honestly I'm oddly hesitant to offer them to you right now. I think because I "know" your husband very well but don't know you well enough yet. For right now though I recommend not offering separation but not fighting it if he wants it. Also resist the urge to control the outcome here. Give him his space. He likely loves his children more than any stepfather ever could but neither of you yet realizes that he can still be a loving father even if you are divorced. Accept this, and ask yourself now how much you really value having this man as your husband. Is the hard road really worth it to you?

Is your BH in IC?

How was your marriage and sex life before and during the affair?

Were there sexual acts offered the AP which were denied in the M?

This thread is being locked as 1970 will not be returning.

That's too bad, it seems she was motivated at least. Hope it ends up ok for all concerned.