SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello friends.

I am a single, female in my 30s. I was previously marred in my 20s and found out my husband of 4 years was having an affair. That's how I know about SI. You all were wonderful during such a horrible, trying time in my life. I ended up divorcing him and I've healed and moved on life - I don't even remember my screenname here cause it was just another life!

Fast forward to now. I've been seeing someone for a couple of months. I do not want to go into details because I'm paranoid. He also works in my industry- and I don't want any of this traceable. It is not a full blown relationship, we haven't had the exclusive talk. But we have been seeing each other and sleeping with one another (protected).

I found out recently he's been engaged to someone this entire time and the wedding is this year. I'm SICK TO MY STOMACH. I can't believe I'm in this situation. Obviously - the relationship ends, I am not interested in him, ever after this. I can have a pity party about my love life later. But now, this poor girl is marrying him and has no idea. Side note, he's foreign, living and working here completely legally. However, I don't want her to be used for a greencard or something, that would make me feel sick. And now I wonder if that's why he's getting married?? Either way, she has a lot to lose. There's also something terribly wrong about letting a woman marry someone without knowing this. This wasn't a one time thing, he is actively pursuing me - and God knows who else.

She needs to know - but how. It's delicate, I work in the same industry and a part of me is worried if he knows I squeal, will I get slut-shamed? Will this impact me? It's different for women then men. I have narrowed it down to a couple of options but want your input. I am suppose to see him this week. He doesn't know I know.

OPTION 1

Confront Him, Tell Him He Needs to Tell Her Or I Will.

He's doing a terrible thing, but he doesn't seem like a terrible person. I dont believe anyone is 100 percent horrible. I dont know why he's cheating, maybe he's scared, maybe it was just me, maybe he's looking for a way out or maybe he's just a total man whore - whatever. It's not my place to figure that out. But a part of me wants to be compassionate - like hey I have been cheated on, you have no idea how much pain it will cause her and yourself down the line. The truth always finds a way, tell her before you get married, because she will find out after and it will be worse. And it will be painful for you too! (my ex husband had a horrible time after I caught him - as he should have, but people do make mistakes). Also, it may be easier for her to hear it from him rather than me.

I could tell him he has 48 hours and needs to give me proof that he's told her (whatever that is, it has to convince me - burden is on him) and I guess I follow up with her? I could also say other people know (not say who) and say she's going to find out from them, me or him. Threatening him with the follow up of the truth. WAYWARDS - what do you think? Would you appreciate this approach if you were subconsciously trying to get caught? Or be angry / lash out?

The fear is of course that he'll get angry, lash out try to cover his tracks, etc. But if I can deliver this in a tactful way to him, matter of fact - maybe it wont screw me work wise down the line. I'm also - dare I say it - grown so much since my own experience. I dont want to just lash out and put people in buckets good or bad, i'm looking at the big picture. I dont want to do things to seek revenge on him, ya know? Even though part of me wants that..

OPTION 2

Send Her An Anonymous Email

Tell her I was seeing him, we were intimate and it was ongoing. Tell her I didn't know he was engaged and I am ending it immediately. Tell her I'm so sorry and that I have proof if she wants to talk / validate what I'm saying. My worry is she'll forward this email to him right away and he'll know it's me, and I'm in a shit storm for putting him on blast (or maybe he'll ignore me, who knows). Also, the BS in me would want to tell her, hey I've been through this before, if you want to know the truth, dont forward this email to him right away (that's the instinct) and gather the info before you confront him so you can see if he's lying. But who knows how receptive she'll be.. and then it feels like I'm telling her what to do. I want to help her, but I know to her, I'm the other woman. I want to be sensitive to that and know my place, keep it general and fact based. If she wants to know more, she'll tell me.

OPTION 3

Send a super anonymous email to her saying I'm so sorry but XXX is cheating on you. I just found out, it's confirmed. I'm afraid of revealing my identity so I can't give you details, but if you look closely you'll find the evidence. Look closely at his phone, travel, etc. hire a private investigator. (Or maybe i even say, I can validate it but I wasn't sure how receptive you'd be and he doesn't know I'm sending this. Respond if you want to connect and I'm happy to share).

ALL shitty options. I dont want to be involved in this mess but she has to know, right? I guess I could say nothing but that feels so wrong. BS, would you believe the 3rd option? Just an email out of the blue saying your fiance is cheating?? I dont know if I would - but maybe? It would raise suspicion, especially if he was acting strange -maybe I'd start to connect the dots and do some digging. Where there's smoke there's fire.

UGH

I just dont know. I need your help, I can't see straight and need some advice. Thank you in advance!

I am leaning toward the 3rd option. I did the whole, "tell your husband or I will" with my WH's AP and I really wish I would have not involved her at all. It gave her credibility in her spouses eyes and he was more willing to rug sweep because she "confessed".

You didn't do anything wrong since you didn't know he was engaged. So why worry about what people will say? Tell him it's OVER, not to contact you again and block him -- and then tell the Fiance and then walk away. No contact with either of them. You are lucky you found out! Good luck.

Do you think she'd believe the 3rd option? Or is it too vague?? When discussing it with a friend, they told me I better have evidence and share more information - or it's easier for her to think someone is just messing with her. He could say 'that's stupid, who would say that, there's no facts, etc. it's probably a crazy stalker ex'.

I dont know - maybe it's just enough?? If I share too much, he'll know it's me. But if I keep it super vague, maybe he can think someone saw us together.. or hell if someone knows and blabbed to a friend..

PS, if I had a dollar for the amount of 'crazy stalkers that claimed affairs on innocent people' I'd be rich

I also lean toward the 3rd option.

@JeanieGirl

You're right but.. I worry this could impact my career later with his contacts, etc. He's got more power than I do.

he doesn't seem like a terrible person

^^^ Stop. Please stop...

You have been a BS...his choice to cheat is terrible. His moral character is lacking. Please do not make this okay for him.

He is lying and deceiving everyone in his life. That is not a good person. Right?

I say option 2.

You were her. You needed to know. Do her the same justice.

Be brave, tell her the truth. You would want to know and she NEEDS to know.

Do the right thing for the right reason.

(((be strong)))

Me personally, I would go with option 3 but I would also attach any evidence in that anonymous email, screen shots of texts, emails etc. As a BS, I would want all that evidence rather than just an anonymous email with nothing to back it up. Provide her with everything and go completely NC with him. She may respond to your email and want more information, give it to her

There is no reason for anyone to feel like someone is making that up. Maybe mention something about him no one else would know (tattoos, marks on body, etc.). If you give him the heads up, he could definitely spin it that way though.

Option 4. Send her an anonymous saying “Your fiancé and SH29 are having an affair. “ and when his fiancé confronts you, pretend that you’re finding it out for the first time and tell her everything.

Of course this only works if he doesn’t know you know and since l, if he doesn’t know you know, he can’t trace it back to you, he’d be less likely to retaliate.

Hmmm, good advice on option 4. Even though I HATE lying.

I'm just worried that, while my path crosses with his circle, it doesn't with hers... meaning, it'll be hard for him to believe someone could call me out by name.

What if I say 'X is cheating on you. I saw him with a woman on X date and time, kissing, holding hands and saw them leave together.' Or even, I saw X at this hotel with a woman, kissing, I waited downstairs and he never showed. I cant reveal who i am but if I were you, I'd check his phone, business travel, etc. There have to be clues'

I hate giving details cause i know it'll hurt her, but if i give her something factual.. maybe it helps tip her off? Like if he said he was out of town that night we were together...

??

[This message edited by SeekingHelp29 at 4:38 PM, January 4th (Friday)]

Also, I can't send an anonymous email and provide proof like screeshots, etc. I know she'll forward it to him and he'll immediately know it was me. So really, the 2nd option is revealing myself too. Which I want to avoid.

Unless she is able to contact me and keep it private, but I know what it's like. That's impossible. If she wants more info from me I'd give it to her.

I hate that I'm' blowing someones life up like this. She seems like such a sweet girl. UGH

BS ONLY

[This message edited by SI Staff at 12:33 AM, January 5th (Saturday)]

Option #2. Apologize, explain you had no idea, AND that you've been cheated on before and are now divorced, and you want to spare her the pain you went through.

If she finds out she's cheating, odds are that your name is going to come up anyways. He can spin it as you're jealous or he tried to end things.

I think option #2, while awkward, is your best bet. ALSO, I would definitely include that in your experience confronting right away is NOT the way to go, because cheaters lie, deny & cover their tracks. Please advise her to do some digging on her own first & offer to talk to her and/or send her screenshots, etc.

You can also say that you've ended the relationship, because you have no desire to be the "other woman," and reassure her that you won't have any more contact with her WF.

You are doing the right thing by notifying the fiance.

Check your private messages.

Notify the fiancé.

Send her an anonymous email. Give her the details. Be sympathetic. Tell her you had no idea and feel horrible and have severed ties with him when you found out. Tell her everything. Tell her she can ask any question via your anonymous email. Tell her you want to be anonymous because you don’t want this to hurt your career. That you didn’t ask for an affair with a man who is about to get married. That was the last thing you wanted. You are doing the right thing by informing her.

Get someone you know who lives somewhere else to send you and the fiance an email telling you he's cheating on each of you.

"Dear Sue and Mary, I've struggled with whether I should tell you this but I've decided that I must. George is cheating on both of you with each of you and I've come to realize that he might be getting ready to add a third woman to his life and so I have to let you know. I'm so sorry to do this anonymously but I'm afraid it's my only option."

Seeking Help, I may be the odd person out here but I see no reason to do anything anonymously. You have not done anything wrong and you are correcting the situation by working to fix it. First of all, out him to everyone, not just his fiance. Protect yourself by telling your higher ups in your career. He will probably try to move on to some unsuspecting woman since you've dumped him and his fiance probably will too.

IF fiance doesn't believe you, well then that's on HER, not you.

I like the josiep solution, except that you don't need to use a real 3rd party. Create a fictional/anonymous person who claims to work in your industry, and send a single email to both you and the fiance. This makes it more plausible that the person would have reason to know you, the POS, and the fiance.