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Since he doesn't know you know, why don't you set him up, just tell OBS about the A, tell her you will provide more evidence in person and let her know when and where is the next time you will meet, that way she can catch him with you at a restaurant, park or your place, (she will claim that she followed him or had him followed) and you can play dumb saying "who is she?" her reply "I'm his fiance who are you ?" and you say on "we've been dating for a couple of months, you bastard !!!".

But I would simply suggest tell her the truth, just contact her and send her all the evidence, give her your number in case she has questions. It's the right thing to do, I doubt he will try to make your life difficult, he is being deceitful to you and her, get tested for STDs.

And it will be painful for you too! (my ex husband had a horrible time after I caught him - as he should have, but people do make mistakes). Also, it may be easier for her to hear it from him rather than me.

A mistake is when you unintentionally take the wrong exit on a highway, an A is always a willingly conscious DECISION, it doesn't happen unwillingly and/or by "mistake".

My best advice for now and always is to tell the truth! That’s the moral high road! I’m a BS (my thread is affair baby coming)

Go No contact with Him immediately! Get tested for STDS immediately. Please help this engaged betrayed immediately by outing him. How did you find out he is engaged?

I confronted the two OW my WS was cheating with directly because I discovered the affairs on his phone. I texted them and found out they knew about me and our child and they didn’t care!

Don’t make any excuses for the cheater he is a bad person and he’s using you and his fiancé and who else????

The best method to reveal is to email her directly and tell her her how sorry you are and that you didn’t know that he was engaged and that you ended it immediately with NO contact! That will be best for you and her long term.

She will not ignore you and the truth uncomplicated will guide you through all the twists and unknowns that arise even career threats. All a person really has in life is good character dont let him destroy yours. No one is perfect but being moral is a choice and this guy put an engagement ring on another woman’s finger and promised his exclusive love to her with the intention to marry her and is actively pursuing you! He is not a good person he doesn’t respect women. What you do next will show your true character. Stand tall hold your head up you are not the one at fault here you must be feeling very betrayed and triggered I’m so sorry that you find yourself on S.I. again.

Here's the thing about Option 4 - if he didn't confront you (and why would he if he has been keeping secrets, he wouldn't think you'd be the one to reveal, since he's intentionally kept you in the dark as to who he is, knowing you had previously been cheated on) he's more likely to think someone else told.

at least to my way of thinking, I can't imagine he'd think you were on to him.

I sent an anonymous email to a BS (not as an OW! Just as a person who knew what her WH was doing) and....she didn't believe it! If I provided "proof" to her she would have known it was me and that would have compromised my husbands job.

His co worker was cheating on his wife and everyone in the office knew it.

But, the anonymous email doesn't always work and sometimes the WS can just spin it so that it sounds like some crazy, vengeful person "made it all up".

Thanks all for the replies, I have a lot to mull over.

I understand it's important to tell the woman, that part I've been pretty steadfast on.

It's good to see that no one thinks option 1 is a good idea! I needed to hear that from people that would know - and I apologize for the BS out there for posting this in newly found out. I don't want to trigger anyone. I also genuinely wanted to hear from WS.

If I go with option 2 - I planned to say everything that was suggested. That I am ENDING IT - I will help where I can, that I've been in this position (but I don't want to elaborate and make it about me). I am telling her whatever she chooses to do is her choice, I am here to help,I just wanted to offer truth. And that I will not interfere in her relationship and I won't ever reach out again unless she explicitly wants to hear from me. Maybe I could say...

"Part of why I'm reaching out to you is that I've been in your shoes and I wish someone would've told me sooner. My only intention is to offer help where I can and only upon your request. If I can kindly suggest it, as someone who's been in your position, I would wait to confront him until you feel you have enough information that would enable you to spot something he's saying as false or truthful. If you want to know more, I am here"

The thing is, I don't feel I can tell her "dont tell X I am emailing you this". That seems a brazen ask - to keep a secret for me - after delivering some pretty serious accusations. What loyalty does she have to me? I know in this hysteria and shock, some people would go to the cheater directly with everything - and I understand that / but it also exposes me. Maybe I just have to accept that, I will be exposed if I tell this girl. I dont want to send her an email that's so anonymous that she doubts it - cause that email would only hurt her without proof -thus defeating the purpose of the email entirely and causing pain for no reason.

It sounds like a lot of people are opting for option 3. I just want it to be believable enough to her so she's not like 'wheres the proof? this is a mean joke, F this person" I wish I could flush out a viable option 4 in my situation - but I dont think I can. And I dont want to say 'if you want to catch him cheating I can meet him at X time at X place" cause then I am waaaay too involved and that puts me in a possible dangerous situation.

Thanks again. I'm glad to have you here to help me see through this mud.

I received an anonymous letter about Xhole back in the 90s (before email). It shook me to my core, but was just an accusation with no evidence of any kind. Me being me, I immediately confronted Xhole. He denied and immediately offered a VERY plausible lie to explain it. I believed him because a) no evidence, b) I had no suspicions or red flags before that, and c) he is an excellent liar. Of course hindsight is always 20/20, and looking back I should have investigated further.

That being said, whatever you do, provide evidence.

Anonymous/ named whichever but make sure the betrayed knows. I think all of us would have liked the choice of knowing we were marrying a cheater or not. Add as much evidence as you can, dates/times stuff he can’t wiggle out of. If he blames you you can put it down to the behaviour of a ‘concerned friend’. Entirely plausible.

Another concern here is that you don’t fall for any of his bull. By calling it off it’s highly likely that you become very exciting and more of a challenge. He’ll say anything to hook you back in. Please don’t fall for it. Please be careful with your heart. He is not a ‘good man’ in any way shape or form, he is abusing his soon to be wife and using you as an unknowing accomplice to that abuse.

Good luck seeking...

Best advice I think:

Seeking Help, I may be the odd person out here but I see no reason to do anything anonymously. You have not done anything wrong and you are correcting the situation by working to fix it. First of all, out him to everyone, not just his fiance. Protect yourself by telling your higher ups in your career. He will probably try to move on to some unsuspecting woman since you've dumped him and his fiance probably will too.

IF fiance doesn't believe you, well then that's on HER, not you.

the "Protect yourself" - from your post appears you are co-workers/employees and there may be some

employer rules regarding associations with fellow employees. See your HR and get a readout from them.

Also, I think you are "over-thinking" what/how to do the honest revelation.

I was once you...except I knew nothing of the fiancé beyond the script that he had told me. He had BEEN engaged in his last relationship and had broken it off because she was jealous and possessive and always thinking he was cheating. He painted her as a stalker type - which worked brilliantly in so many ways. It very subtly set the expectation for my behavior (don’t be like my prior girlfriend or I’ll end the relationship) and it gave him credibility over her should I ever have a run in. Which I did 5 months after we were dating.

Evidently she had broken it off a couple of months after he and I had started dating. I don’t know how much she knew about me exactly....but she had caught him cheating too many times. When after he contacted her again, she either happened or managed to be in a place that we were and she confronted him. She was calm, somewhat vague...more of an enjoying him squirm. This was how it appeared at the time. When she turned to tell me about the man I was with, I cut her off...just refusing to be engaged in conversation. I would go in to date this guy for over another year before being married to him 18 more. While I often thought about his XF and wondered what she would have told me had I just simply listened, it never occurred to me that he was still engaged when we began dating. NEVER. That just simply rocked my core of understanding that someone could do that - and still does now that I know that. It truly speaks to where these kind of people are in the pathological scale.

I tell you all this for a very important reason: how you handle this can either prevent or bring about the very thing that you are most concerned with personally for yourself in this unintended involvement (your credibility). Power in this situations lies with facts...the irrefutable truth. Less words, less scheming, and simply allowing the evidence to speak for itself. It’s part of why I chose my s/n. If you are wanting the very best outcome then the simple truth - served straight up - is what will bring it.

So my advice to you would be to stop focusing on this asshole and how he may can further hurt you - that’s playing the game in his field. And instead focus on what kind of information you would need if you were in the situation that this other woman is. What information/evidence would give you clarity and

certainty of the truth? That is the information you need to give her. Keep your apology straight and to the point - focus instead on the relaying the evidence. You can assure her of your motives (that you are out of the R), offer your availability to her if she has further questions (if you are willing to do that) - but your attitude should be clear that you are a victim of this the same as she is and you are simply doing for her what you would have wanted her to do for you had she been the one to find out this information first.

The quickest way to lose credibility is to try to do this is some less than completely straight-forward and direct approach (ie, some level of anonymous). At worst you look like some crazy stalker girl - and at best, you look like a genuine OW (you knew he was engaged but didn’t care) trying to win. You have to remember that he has controlled the narrative all along. And he will likely try to control the narrative afterwards. That’s why being wholly truthful in all areas is so very important. Any level of deception will be felt...and that is the ground he will till.

I’m sorry for this situation. It is truly horrific.

[This message edited by truthsetmefree at 7:29 AM, January 5th (Saturday)]

I sent an anonymous email. Blew the AP to smithereens. Met up with the BS twice. Ah, the world had come off my shoulders. Karma.

Josie’s option!

You have no fault here. As soon as you discovered his status, you ended things. I believe in just being honest. Hiding behind email addresses with a different name and sending anonymous letters is deceitful and the kind of action we discourage here. Having been a BS yourself, you knownthe kind of pain that dishonesty causes. I’d call her on the phone, pay her a visit or send her a message to please call you. What she chooses to do after is her decision. Maybe she doesn’t want to know or maybe you’re sparing her a world of hurt. Either way, tell the truth. This is on him, but make sure you can prove what you say or he will argue that your crazy or that he wasn’t interested in you so you’re upset, etc.

Good luck! Please let us know how it goes.

The quickest way to lose credibility is to try to do this is some less than completely straight-forward and direct approach (ie, some level of anonymous). At worst you look like some crazy stalker girl - and at best, you look like a genuine OW (you knew he was engaged but didn’t care) trying to win.

I think you're right to a degree, the more I try to hide the details / who I am, the more skeptical she'll be and the more I'll lose credibility. Knowing what I know now, if I were to get an email like the one I need to send, I would respond, I would be calm and fact gather. But if I hadn't been betrayed before, I might shut the person out. I dont know..

Ok, so I have a good email drafted. But it's still from an anonymous email (to start). In it I'm saying I'm willing to provide any information I can, I just didn't know how receptive she'd be to start. I'll tell her I have text messages, photos etc. and that I can provide dates, times, etc. (but I dont want to unload all in the first email, it feels a little like rubbing it in her face and she may not even want it). So I want to say, if you want to see the evidence, I'll provide it to you but I didn't want to send everything over if you weren't ready / didn't want to see it. It is your choice and I won't reach out again unless you want me to.

You think something like that would work? i just feel providing attachments, etc. from an unknown email address could 1) put me in spam or make it look like spam and 2) be too much for her at all at once - remember I still dont know the girl or how she'll react. Maybe I can something to the effect of: I have text messages, etc. if you want to see the proof. But so you know I'm telling the truth: he snores terribly or did he tell you he was out of town on X date? I have proof he was X. I'm trying to think of body markings but not sure if anything is terribly obvious (no tattoos) but trust me that snoring is LOUD. It could wake the dead! I also dont want to provide details that will just be painful.

I'm carefully wording and rewriting an email and have been for the last couple of days.. I plan to send it this week.

@Marie

I have thought about calling her. I found her phone number. I wonder if it's better to deliver the news that way but I also worry I'll stutter and have a hard time finding the words... and what if she hangs up right away - and will she feel blindsided if I call? Sometimes with email you have a chance to gather your thoughts, reread, etc. We all know being betrayed is a blur. But also, email is more definitive and traceable.

I think your approach is very wise as well as very compassionate. Giving her the choice also requires that she takes ownership/responsibility for how much she learns. That's empowering...and that's a really good place to start a hard conversation.

As far as email vs. phone call...I can see your concerns. I do think emails are usually the best way to go when having to step into someone's life in a hurtful way. It allows you the ability to carefully craft your words...and her the time and space that she needs to deal with them. It would be a very clear method to me...with the exception of maybe worrying that she had not received the email - or that he may have the ability to intercept it. But again...that's part of giving up the outcome. Ultimately, your responsibility is not to "save" this woman from marrying a horrible guy. It's just simply to give the information - to do your part...and then let Life handle the rest of it.

I think that your best solution would be to be honest with her. You have been tricked and bear no fault in this mess and you should keep that in mind in making your decision. If you absolutely can’t be exposed as the exposer, send another anonymous email telling her when and where your next date is.

[This message edited by Gunnut at 10:53 AM, January 5th (Saturday)]

I'm sorry you've been put in this situation. I agree with those who say you have done nothing wrong. You have no reason to hide. Find the fiancé and tell her the truth, in person. Tell her your story and how you don't want that to happen to anyone else. She might choose to sweep it under the rug. But that's on her. At least you will know you've done the right thing.

Please don't send an anonymous email. She won't believe it, and he will find some way to cover for it. I got some anonymous phone calls many years ago telling me my husband was cheating. Of course I asked him about it, He made up some story about it had to be someone else with his name, a mistake. I had no proof, the woman didn't tell me anything. I could have been saved years of living a lie if that woman had had the courage to tell me the details.

This guy sounds like a total shit who uses women. Yes he's doing a terrible thing. To you, to the greencard fiancé, and who knows who else. Please make sure that poor woman knows the truth before she makes this terrible mistake.

I’d flat out tell her. Let her know who you are. Leave no room for “misunderstandings or crazy”. If anyone dares slut shame you, file an HR complaint. If it continues, sue for sexual harassment in the workplace. You have every bit of power, socially and legally, in this situation. You only lose it by going underground.

I think that a lot of people in this thread are not undedstanding the reality of the situation for YOU. You need to understand the reality for yourself because you can get hurt, at least professionally. In my view, the reality that people here don't like is that the BS often does not believe the info at first, and even worse, sometimes blames the messenger. It has happened many times that the BS does not even want to hear from the other BS, and they are both betrayed! The inclination to deny the evidence and believe whatever a WS says is strong. You must be careful.

1. You have done nothing wrong, as everyone has said.

2. But you have told us that this man can professionally hurt you.

3. It is very generous of you to want to extend yourself to try and help her get the truth. Because of the truth of #1 and #2, many people would not do that. They would stay out of it.

4. It is very possible that the BS will do the things you have said--immediately confront her WS and accept his story, whatever it is.

5. That can put you in a vulnerable situation where, if he finds out it was you who told, you end up professionally harmed while the BS stays with him. You will feel burned!

6. Knowing the truth of this possibility, anonymous is most likely the safest and fairest way for you to handle this. Include as much info as you can without exposing yourself to this woman though. Give her every chance to believe it.

All you can do is try, but as Phoenix1 says, the BS may not believe any of it and you cannot make her. Do not get caught up in trying to save her from herself, if that's where this goes. Her life is not more important than your life.

Set up a phony email. Sign up with a read receipt company so you know she opens it. Attach any dates, times, details you feel ok with, and leave it at that. I think it is right to tell someone, but it is out of your control if they believe you or not.

As they say, this guy and his future wife--not your monkey, not your circus. You are doing the right thing trying to let her know, but it's out of your control after that. Don't risk too much.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 10:46 PM, January 6th (Sunday)]