I want him to inflict that on those who sought to humiliate him.
Mene I really appreciate your input so much, but I differ with you here. I don't think it's wise for me to act out of revenge and anger.
Maybe they are trying to manipulate me. So? To what end? So they don't experience pain from having their affair exposed? Yes, I would like them to feel that pain...it might make me feel nice. For a bit. But what then? How does it serve my goals?
Way too much fervor about telling the OBS on here at the moment, and not enough focus on you. It’s your decision to call or not, on your timeline, for your reasons.
It’s not clear to me at the moment what your overarching goals are here. What are you thinking at the moment? Give R a shot? Clean break? Scorched earth?
I appreciate you chiming in, houseofplane.
Yes I should have been more clear about my goals. At least my goals right now. They're clear in my head, maybe not so clear in my story.
I'm not interested in R. I want it, but for the wrong reasons....because I'm afraid. But now I can't go back. I knew I'd be afraid and I knew I'd want R, which is why I forced myself to see what was in all her messages. To see what she said and sent to him. I can't go back from this. At least that's how I feel right now.
So here is what I have figured out about what I want to do.
My goals: protect me. protect my kids. keep as much of what I WANT in my life for myself. I want my kids. I want my financial security.
So I thought about how everybody is saying to tell the other person's wife (sorry I can't remember all the acronyms here) right now - immediately! Blow up their life, expose and stop the affair, save her from potential further pain and embarrassment. How does any of this serve my goal?
I don't care if their affair continues since I'm not interested in R. In fact, it may work to my benefit as she'd have to travel and see him out of state more. I could use this in a custody fight to keep my kids more.
If I try and seek revenge and they stay together, it could leave him bitter and resentful towards me, which could potentially be taken out on my kids since my wife will undoubtedly retain custody to some level. Just something to consider. It may be a risk worth taking, but not if there is nothing for me to gain.
Yes, I would love to do right by his wife and inform her. It would make me feel good....maybe. If she took out her rage and anger on me in that phone call, I would feel sick, and I already feel bad. Even if she doesn't and the call goes well, what do I have to gain? Temporary satisfaction? I am more concerned with myself, my kids, and my goals than I am with her. Sorry, but that's how I have to be right now.
So. I am going to wait until tomorrow. If the cheater spins lies about me, so be it. I feel bad for his wife if she believes them. Clearly they already have issues if she filed for divorce previously, so I assume she'll believe that he is still a cheater. I will still call her later in the day or on Monday to offer her the information I know in case she wants to use it as fuel in a custody fight.
I don't lack dignity and I'm not codependent. I'm trying to rid myself of emotional decisions and evaluate EVERYTHING against my goals.
[This message edited by collapsed at 8:18 PM, January 5th (Saturday)]