SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

As a general housekeeping matter, my apologies if this is not the correct forum for updates. Let me know and I can move further updates to the general forum. But this is where I posted, and it's where I read most of the posts, so I'm sticking to it here.

My last update in October I mentioned that she reached out to me via email saying she wanted to meet up. We did not meet up, I just figured it was for the best.

All in all I am doing OK. Surviving I guess. I've dealt with pretty severe depression my adult life, and that (expectedly) came back pretty strong towards the end of the summer and stuck around for a bit. Not the worst depression I've experienced, but it was definitely a tough stretch there for a bit. But thankfully I was prepared for that and had a plan and support network that minimized the damage from that. It's always kind of there for me, but I'm pretty much on the other side of that. As long as I keep doing the things I need to do - therapy, exercise, and not isolating - I will be OK. I also rarely drink these days, if ever. Never really had an issue with it in the first place, but just felt it was temporary relief at the expense of long term growth.

I have not started dating, but I've thought about it for a bit. Up until Nov of last year it was a "hell no" type thing for me, now it's a "eh, maybe soon". This has irrevocably changed me, and I want to bring as little of this baggage into my next relationship as possible. I also haven't been physically involved (edit: as defined by Bill Clinton) with anyone, because I can't separate the physical act with the emotions. There was one brief encounter but I had to back away from that.

I started a new job the last year as well as moved into a different community where more of my college friends lived. I know you guys recommend against this stuff, and I can understand why, but these two changes worked out very, very well for me. Being closer to my college friends was crucial - I feel a sense of belonging/fitting in around them that I did not have where I lived before.

However, I have subsequently learned from another email that she was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. When I read the wikipedia page on that my jaw hit the floor. It just explained so much of her behavior. In a way I'm really surprised just how well she insulated me from the negative effects of that until this happened. It was just directed at other people in her life and not me - I made suggestions on certain things while we were together, but believe it or not personality disorders require training and experience that I just don't have. I'm sure there are quite a few betrayeds who have this in common with me. It also helped me realize that I have codependent tendencies (as in what therapists call codependent - not what the general public tends to think) which I have been addressing in therapy. I've embraced the idea of "not my circus, not my monkeys" that I first heard here. Anger towards her has slowly transformed into pity. I still care about her - I truly wish her the best and hope she can be one of the people who, in 10 years time and proper treatment, has zero BPD symptoms. I'm just not going to go along with her trip.

tl;dr: Havent seen her. New job, moved in with a college friend. Was depressed, am now less depressed. Not dating, but thinking about it. Turns out she was Borderline Personality Disorder.

Original Post:

https://www.wwew.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=621673&AP=1&HL=

Update 1:

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=630190&HL=63727

[This message edited by wocket at 5:26 PM, January 7th (Monday)]

Sounds like your doing a lot right. You'll be ok, and at this point I am sure you know that already. Be good to yourself! You'll know when your ready to date.

Your doing great!! The important thing is that you are rebuilding your life and you are out of infidelity. The rest is just healing and time..

Hi Wocket,

Many thanks for the update. I was wondering how you are, and it is good to hear that you are in a better place physically and emotionally.

It sounds like you are making a lot of progress in many areas, and that even if you may not feel 100% in any of them just yet, you are headed in the right direction, and you are going to get there.

I think you are making a lot of wise decisions, and that your 'gut' is worth listening to. It has not steered you wrong so far.

We are rooting for you, wocket.

BPD is a trainwreck... Be happy you got out when you did.

Wocket! That’s a great update! I don’t know why people were against you moving closer to friends and away from the scene of the crime but it makes perfect sense to me....and it’s worked out well for you.

I’m curious about your codependency, your statement that there’s a difference between a therapists version and what the general population thinks. Can you go on a bit more about that? I struggle with understanding codependency...I’d like to hear more about your therapist’s take on it.

I’m glad you returned to update us....and I think it’s fine here in JFO if this is where you call home here at SI!

I don’t know why people were against you moving closer to friends and away from the scene of the crime but it makes perfect sense to me....and it’s worked out well for you.

I think I remember seeing somewhere that you should refrain from making major decisions about jobs and location for the first 6 months to a year. But now that I think about it, most of those decisions were made right around the 6 month part (edit: or really just before that). I also only moved 40-50 miles away, so it's not that far.

I’m curious about your codependency, your statement that there’s a difference between a therapists version and what the general population thinks. Can you go on a bit more about that? I struggle with understanding codependency...I’d like to hear more about your therapist’s take on it.

In a nutshell, codependency is setting yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. And that person is cold because of their own dysfunction (classic example is alcoholism).

In my experience most people take the two components of the word literally - two people that "need" each other or they hang out a lot. Which tends to actually happen in codependent relationships, but it misses the part about placing others needs above your own.

Sorry about the edits. I have some particular quirks in my writing style that would make it too easy to ID me if someone I know stumbled on this. I feel the psuedonymity allows me to be a bit more open than I am with friends in real life. Like how I am with my therapist and psychiatrist.

[This message edited by wocket at 4:46 PM, January 7th (Monday)]

Hope to not offend anyone, but in dealing with my ex-wife's so bizarre behavior over the years our son and I came up with a phrase:

"Crazy sets the agenda."

Unfortunately, I did not have the skill set for dealing with her behavior and finally realized the solution for my own well-being was to divorce her and move on.

[This message edited by michzz at 4:52 PM, January 7th (Monday)]

Wocket its great to hear from you. Im glad you are near friends. Hope you plan something fun for yourself in 2019.

Sounds like your doing a lot right. You'll be ok, and at this point I am sure you know that already. Be good to yourself! You'll know when your ready to date.

Your doing great!! The important thing is that you are rebuilding your life and you are out of infidelity. The rest is just healing and time..

Hi Wocket,

Many thanks for the update. I was wondering how you are, and it is good to hear that you are in a better place physically and emotionally.

It sounds like you are making a lot of progress in many areas, and that even if you may not feel 100% in any of them just yet, you are headed in the right direction, and you are going to get there.

I think you are making a lot of wise decisions, and that your 'gut' is worth listening to. It has not steered you wrong so far.

We are rooting for you, wocket.

These posts are very helpful - keeps me in good perspective. Reminds me that while I was served a shit sandwich, I have washed my mouth out and brushed my teeth instead of smearing it on my face and taking another bite. (n.b.: you can still wash your mouth out and brush your teeth in reconciliation. It just wasn't the path for my situation.)

That said, posting here just causes me to think about what happened. Which is necessary for healing to a degree. The above posts caused me to focus on and be proud of the progress I've made - which is a pretty big deal for me. But as someone prone to rumination I don't think it's helpful for me to be here daily. It's too easy for me to fall into the "woe is me" thinking/behavior, which is not helpful.

I'll probably follow this for a few days and then go away for a bit. I will probably be back. I hope that when I get some distance I'll be able to pay it forward and share what helped me with others on their own threads, but no promises.

[This message edited by wocket at 5:11 PM, January 7th (Monday)]

BPD is really hard to deal with. I thought my WS had it for a while before my Dday when I learned of the breadth, scope and depth of his betrayal.

Now he's convinced he's a sex addict - and I'm inviting that there is more going on that that for him to explore with his therapist. The betrayal is like a bright line, but the thing that wore me down and made me miserable for years before I learned of the betrayal was the BPD type behaviors which were very much directed at me.

Anyhow, my sympathy to you. It's all just really really hard.

I'm happy you are doing so well with so much support!

Best wishes. Happy you are doing well,

You are a good man and you will be fine

What an interesting turn.

Dealing with a BPD spouse is very difficult and there is no "cure". It typically takes a long time, a lot of therapy and a lot of training for BPDs to learn to regulate their emotions.

It sounds like you dodged a bullet and got out relatively easy.

Figure out why you were attracted to that "type" of woman because most folks will intuitively recognize those issues, realize that it is unhealthy, and run. You didn't.

What an interesting turn.

Dealing with a BPD spouse is very difficult and there is no "cure". It typically takes a long time, a lot of therapy and a lot of training for BPDs to learn to regulate their emotions.

It sounds like you dodged a bullet and got out relatively easy.

Figure out why you were attracted to that "type" of woman because most folks will intuitively recognize those issues, realize that it is unhealthy, and run. You didn't.

Yeah, I am definitely working on that. Codependency is a big one. Going into how/why I feel the compulsion for codependent behaviors in therapy has been very helpful.

But in my defense she worked hard to prevent me from seeing the worst of the negative symptoms. She was very, very, very good at it. And when they came up, I rugswept and stayed in denial. It really only exceeded my capacity for denial after we moved in together, which was fewer than 3 months before d-day and the subsequent breakup.

The other side is that people with BPD actually have traits that can be very attractive, especially early on into the relationship. To be short as possible, they can make you feel very special. She didn't hide those from me, and at the time I thought they were positives. Now I know different.

Hi, wocket, I remember your story fairly well.

I am glad to see you have made so much progress in just over 6 months.

You did the right thing....you got yourself out of infidelity quickly, and IMO you dodged a huge bullet.

Keep on keeping on.