SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi Dking,

I read your post but have only read a few replies.

I want to disagree with those who say to "divorce now".

My situation 4.5 years ago was very similar to yours. Wife had affair with superior at work...lied when confronted....rewrote our marital history to justify the affair AND her first husband cheated on her so she knew the damage an affair would cause. One step further, she admitted a year ago she did it to hurt me. (And it worked as you already know)

Your in shock now which is normal. Don't make any decisions until you're on more stable ground. Find a good shrink for yourself. You already told the OBS which is good.

Now, tell your wife to quit her job NOW. Look at my tagline. Do not do what I did. Having your wife to continue to work with her affair partner is torture. Biggest mistake I made was not forcing her to quit sooner.

Once your on solid ground then decide if this is a deal killer. I would have bet money it was a deal killer for me until it happened. Life is more complicated than macho one-lined bravado statements. This is a big fuckup by your wife. You didn't do anything to justify it or deserve it. This is on her.

However it affects you and your child. Take care of yourself. Watch what her actions are (like does she quit and go no contact with the om). Don't listen to words, watch for actions.

For what it's worth, my wife and I are still married and doing pretty well. It's a long journey so don't rush anything. You've just had a bomb dropped on you. Get over the shock before doing anything. Good luck man. We know how it feels.

Exposing the affair to HR and forcing your wife to quit or the OM to quit may be the correct course of action.

Consult an attorney ASAP. Depending on the rules for divorce in your jurisdiction, your wife's earning potential is based on her recent employment history, not necessarily her immediate at the moment employment status. Your responsibility to pay alimony depends on your state's rules. Your wife may be required to work and your support based on the presumption that she is working.

Your marriage cannot survive if she continues to have contact with OM at work. Guaranteed. They cannot be working in the same building, going to the same meetings. You'll go insane because you have no basis for trusting her, and she will have every opportunity to continue her affair. You cannot get out of infidelity if they continue to work together.

You may not want a divorce, but the fact is you may not be able to control the trajectory of your relationship and you may end up divorced no matter how much you want to save your marriage.

ACCEPTING that this is a possible outcome for you can help you choose the correct course of action. If you remain hopelessly committed to your M no matter what your wife does, if you think you can brute force reconciliation just because YOU want it, you will set yourself up for a life of infidelity. Don't do that.

Everyone else's comments about appearing weak above may be really harsh, but there is some truth in there. Don't beg, don't plead, don't say you want to work it out or are committed to working it out. If you've already said those things, tell her you have changed your mind and you are no longer sure what you want with respect to your marriage and it will depend quite a bit on how you see her behavior shape up (or not) over the coming months.

The 180 is to help you disconnect from your wife so that you can step back and not feel so desperate to save your marriage, and so you can focus on your own health, and focus on protecting your children. 180 is to change your focus. You are no longer working on being the husband she needs. You are working on being the best partner to YOURSELF and best parent to your children. She is no longer the focus of your work and attention, and you don't base your decisions on what she wants or needs. It is really really really hard to do but it will help you tremendously if you do it.

I’ve been playing aloof. I don’t speak to her unless spoken to first usually. She has taken over going to the grocery store and cooking our food, packing breakfast and lunch, etc. she cleaned the house. She initiates conversation. I politely join and we speak that way. I have been to IC and will go again tomorrow. She has been for IC and should go again this weekend. We are trying to find someone to see for us MC. I did tell the OBS, haven’t heard anything yet, but yesterday WW was choking back tears and said she had a bad day. Perhaps her man caught it from his wife and broke up with my wife to save his marriage. I don’t know. She gave me some line about being scared her adult son (previous marriage) would commit suicide someday. I’m not so sure that’s all there is to it because we’ve had that fear in the back of our mind for years and I don’t think he’s in that bad of a place. Anyway, much nicer today and I remained just as aloof. A bit more email sent to me at work from her, and when we got home she made snacks, dinner, and 2 days of breakfast. I had a terrible day emotionally having almost lost it in front of my employees, thinking about how I got here. Still down when I got home and she asks how was your day. I say tough. And she asks why. I say tough emotionally and walk off to the living room. She follows with a snack and asks if there is anything I want to talk about. I say no, but effort noticed. Somethings different. But I don’t know what.

She is doing damage control so you do not expose her

PA the HR department at her job.

She does not want to quit her job and have true NC

with the OM. And, she continues to protect her OM

because a work exposure could cause her OM to get

fired. Which would harm the OM and force total NC on

your WW.

It sounds like she's playing "good wife" waiting for things to simmer down. And she's still ambivalent as to whether or not she wants to R.

Just ask her straight up, "Are you committed to saving this marriage?"

If she hesitates, then file. It's really that simple. Nothing will knock her off of that fence then filing divorce papers. You can always stop the divorce process if she takes her head out of her ass. If she doesn't come around then you'll be that much further into getting out of infidelity. That's the focus around here.

Quitting her job would be a bare MINIMUM requirement for R. Period. No negotiations. I kind of agree with others that reporting them to HR may complicate things if you go to D.

Establish your boundaries and enforce them. Keep up the 180.

Still down when I got home and she asks how was your day. I say tough. And she asks why. I say tough emotionally and walk off to the living room.

My small suggestion is when she ask "why" tell her. Tell her exactly why are had a bad day emotionally. "I am having a bad day emotionally because I am so hurt by your affair." Let her know. She might not get it but she needs to understand that your are in pain and why. Verbalize it. Others may disagree with me but this is how I see it.

As you noted, she's probably choking back tears over the other man; she's in love with him. She's only playing wife to you again because the other man chose his wife over her. She doesn't love you now any more than she did when she was riding the other man. She's going through the motions of damage control. My ex did the exact same thing.

As others have said, call her HR now. Make sure that they know what's been going on. Make sure that you give them whatever proof you have also. Then let the chips fall where they may.

I now have to agree with others here who have said that your wife is not a candidate for R. She's in love with someone else and she's going to do this to you again. When she was screwing the other man she convinced herself that she could have a better life with him. She's not going to let go of that dream. After the dust settles she'll be looking for another man to fulfill that dream with.

Get with a divorce lawyer and start the wheels in motion. The only way I see her relinquishing her dream, if she has the desire to, is by bringing sudden, harsh, immediate consequences down upon her head. Let her know that you want a separation and she's the one that needs to move out. Then have her served with divorce papers as soon as possible. Follow your lawyers advice and document all communication with her. You can stop the process up until the final decree is issued. That gives her a long time to prove that she's worth giving a chance. Separation has a two-fold benefit; it enforces consequences upon her and it allows you time alone to clear your head and determine if you really want to continue a relationship with a betrayer.

All of this comes down to you needing to prove in her eyes that you have more value than any other man she might decide to size up. You also need to walk her through the consequences of her behavior like you would any child. As I said before, you've got to take charge of this situation and enforce consequences. You want to do whatever is necessary to ensure that she's a better, safer partner.

Hey, OP, hope you're doing ok.

This is not your fault. It is your WWs choice. We know your pain. And remember it is not your fault. The advice given is wise. Keep posting.

dup

[This message edited by Tallgirl at 7:18 PM, January 29th (Tuesday)]