Hi BetterBoat19,
BH here. I don't often read or post on the wayward side forum. Your story is one of the reasons why.
There are so many similarities between your story and my first marriage that I almost think I am replying to my XW.
What I am about to share is not meant to hurt you, and I apologize in advance if this is the case.
First, this marriage ended almost 21 years ago. The marriage lasted 13 years. During the marriage, my XW was engaged in a lot of the infidelity activities that you have also experienced. The sex at a wedding, friends and family witnessing some of this and telling her not to share this with me, the use of alcohol, seeking attention of other men in front of the husband, sex with someone else while on the phone with me. Problems with ED post affairs, the "get over it" comment, and on and on.
In your first post on this thread, the one word that "jumps" out a lot to me is the word "I".
Go and look at that post. How many "I"s do you count? Now, look for how many times you reference you spouse.... Be honest with yourself, is there self centeredness there?
In that first post there is very little about how you are helping your BS heal. In fact, throughout all your posts I have trouble finding anything related to how you are helping him heal. The only reference that I can see, is you claim to be totally transparent. If so, that is a good start.
I also don't see much in the way of consequences for you. Very little exposure, still at the same job, etc. From your posts, it seems there has been over 10 years of rug sweeping.
Here is my fear he lived in my betrayal for 10 years and we never really talked about it and when we did it was always directed at what I did and how I could do such a thing which I get but it was very hard for me to hear.
Doesn't this sound like you want to rug sweep? Poor you, don't want to hear it? Look around this site, read some other threads, your BS is going to have to go through this again and again and again. Even more so, if you have not been 100% honest. Most BSs have a "sixth sense" when our WW are lying to us. Perhaps it is because after 10 plus years of lies, we instinctively know when the wayward is lying most times.
I told him one time a few years after that he just needed to get over it and we never again talked about it.
My XW said the same thing to me, and we never again talked about it. The strange thing is I remember that discussion as if it happened yesterday. I even remember the smells in the room, the way she had her hair in a ponytail, the cloths she was wearing, the shoes she had on her feet. But most of all, I remember the expression she had on her face as she uttered those words "just get over it".
Please talk with your BS about this, if he is like me, there is a lot of pain there. Damn it, over 20 fucking years ago and it still makes me cry. Don't let this go on for 20 years!
So yes to answer your questions I am remorseful, I am transparent, I have cut off any contact, and I understand the damage I have caused and I hate myself for it. I came looking for help from others that have been where I have and seek advice. I am ready and willing to do the work.
What does remorse look like to you? There isn't much in the way of remorse that I see in these sentences. How many "I"s do you count? More like selfishness, not remorse.
I can’t walk away and i do love him. I want to be a better person and not let this ever happen again.
Then start looking at yourself, find out your true "whys" and fix them. Don't be so quick to blame the alcohol, or some other substance. They may have been a contributing factor. That is your first impulse.
"All I have to do is not drink and I am a better person."
I believe you are going to have to dig deeper into yourself to find your whys. Don't accept the first excuse that comes to you. Be willing to go a little farther.
A few years ago, an old friend told me that I should never go into my own mind alone, it is a scary place. Go with a good therapist to help you find your way.
Find yourself a good therapist. And just like finding your whys, don't accept the first therapist that agrees with you. A good therapist should challenge you to dig deeper, and encourage you to be brutally honest with yourself.
