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An unhealthy relationship that is "intact" is not helpful to children, IMO.

As long as you have not filed, she can do anything. She can take the kids out of the country without your permission. She can spend money on lingerie and hotel rooms to meet her boyfriend.

If you are not ready to press forward, start therapy. You are being used. It is NOT healthy for your children to see that, to learn that "any relationship is better than no relationship," that it's ok for one partner / spouse to take advantage of the other, and the betrayed partner to allow it. You will confuse them. Your WW is not healthy and your relationship is not healthy.

Push through with the D for your kids sake.

Keep pushing forward.

For your sake, for her sake, and mostly, for your children's sake.

You need to get out of her world of infidelity.

She needs to be on her own to either figure herself out or continue down the delusional, fantasy-world of lies, deceit, and betrayal that led her to infidelity.

Your children need to have the best-case scenario of stability with whatever custody resolution is settled on.

Your children also need to see you forcefully living up to your convictions, values, and boundaries so that they will do the same when they are adults.

Hopium s a dangerous and addictive drug. Better lay off the breadcrumbs they won't get you anywhere.

Except an extended stay in limbo.

[This message edited by Marz at 8:10 PM, February 6th (Wednesday)]

It ends when you say it does. No one can do it for you. Dig deep, realize your worth and decide you DO deserve respect, not the crumbs she is throwing you. Implement the 180 to help you emotionally detach. And above all, know your kids are watching and learning from you. What would you tell them to do if they ever find themselves in this position? Would you encorage them to stick around and continue to be used and disrespected? Your idea of "intact family" is not what they are seeing. Don't fool yourself into believing that to justify being used.

Maybe you like it?

Maybe you haven't had enough and maybe you never will.

She has shown you zero respect, even now as you get ready to divorce, has openly told you nothing will ever change and yet, here you are.

Maybe you like her having all the power and decision making over what happens in your life and when you bring your kids as a reason for enduring this sort of treatment..well you're in for a long ride until she says she's had enough and does what's best for her.

What exactly are you looking for? People to tell you to get a move on with divorce or to cut the cord and move on? You can post 6 months from now telling everybody "Guys I need to move on but can't" Everyone will have moved on with their lives but you.

At some point you need to take responsibility as well as accountability.

Can someone please supply me with some moral fiber? I know this cannot go on but I hesitate to disintegrate the family unit just yet. I know I am being taken for a ride here. I trick myself into thinking "one more week with an intact family - that's good for the kids." but really I am a coward.

You are a good man, a good person, a kind person. And you think and feel and see the bigger picture far greater then she does or ever has, so therefore you taken the pain of what this final nail is going to do onto your own shoulders. It is what infidelity does to a BS and how extremely painful it is to have to make these decisions.

You have a WS who has imploded your heart and your soul, one who did not really think thru the destruction of what would happen and now also wants you to "slow it all down" so that she can keep her comfort level and home and the children in tact..... pretty cruel. All done with a smile on her face to the rest of the world I am sure.

This burden has been put upon you, it is not fair, none of this is fair. You have been dealt a huge blow and are now the one left to clean it up. I can just say that you had a moment of weakness, you had a moment where you wanted to just stop and not let the madness swirl around you for one moment, but now you get back up on that horse and you have to keep plowing thru. It does not make you a coward, it makes you a kind caring human being and also one who is stronger than he realizes.

Sorry to hear about your situation EE. You're co-dependent and like her, you enjoy the 'comfort' of rug-sweeping the affair and pretending that everything's normal. No one likes change and infidelity tends to bring the most heinous changes into your life. Gathering up the courage to man-up and take control of your life is difficult for everyone; you're not alone in this. The eventuality is that she's going to be gone and you're going to be without her and the kids as a crutch. You have to bring your mind and heart to that realization and begin the process of mentally separating yourself from her. The sooner you start the process, the less difficult it will be to make the hard decisions that need to be made to live your life free from your betrayer and to take your life back.

Read in the Healing Library on this site about the 180 and employ it. It will help you to start the mental separation journey and it will help you to make positive decisions with your future in mind.

Another member pointed me towards you thread.

I read it and I just can't believe my eyes.

Exactly the same behaviour.

My STBX only works on a part time casual bases, I pay her far too much money.

She has moved out in December and yet to see a lawyer.

She wanted me " to wait and give us a chance" even after she moved out.

It's all the same crap.

You and I can't understand this behavior and I think I know why:

We have always been the provider, payed for the family, worked hard.

Our natural response to financial separation is that we want to get it over and done with, so that we can plan and know what our new budget is like.

Our WW always had everything provided for. They are not used to work every day.

When my wife wanted a new car, I got her a new car.

I cannot remember ever being in such situation.

When I wanted a new car as a 18 year old, I worked night shifts in a factory to get the cash for some beaten up second hand car together.

I never had anyone coming to me, giving me cash for being a nice guy.

So, we can't even contemplate, what it would be like to have everything served on a silver platter - but that has been their reality until now.

Keep on pushing....

Love yourself enough to refuse to tolerate the intolerable.

Atg: That helped. You are right. When we saw the mediator the mere thought of not keeping the car (we have one) clearly violated her sense of entitlement. She was shocked, shocked!, that she may have to take transit to work - which I do every day. And I paid for the car. Like you, I had to pay for my first car with my first salary, from army service, paid for with sweat. No one every offered to buy me a car. Yet I immediately feel the urge to provide, and to help. You know, being able to change a tire and such is a validation of playing the role of the man in the marriage. Old fashioned and probably paternalistic but there is that. I know I have been fired from that job but I sometimes want to go back and work for free, so to speak.

Anyway, momentary weakness, already passing, per ardua ad astra ...

I’m glad I could be of help.

And just like you I experience ups and downs with the process . I think that’s normal . But the beauty of the process is that your WW shows her true face - and that makes the divorce easier and easier .

A little late to the party but here's my two bobs worth.

I was like you, many of us were.

When it became clear I had to cut the chain, anytime I felt myself slipping back into her bullshit, I would go back to my default setting.

"How would I hope my kids would respond in a similar situation? What advice would I give them? How would I want them to act?"

With hindsight, I now know the real reason I never told my parents of my situation.

They would have been aghast that I tolerated it for so long. And fair enough as well.

I am now disgusted with myself for tolerating it for so long. All for the right reasons I then believed. The truth is I was just scared.

I don't want my kids to be like that, just as my parents never wanted me to be like that.

It takes time, but when you stop taking the poison you let her feed you, you will start to feel better.

Stay strong and lead by example.

She blatantly admits that she'll never have feelings for you again so she's

incapable of providing what a husband wants from a wife but yet she wants you

to continue to bring what a husband brings to his wife. Comedian Chris Rock brings

this to light in one of his stand up routines. He cracks on how the "family" courts mandate that the man continue to provide what the wife has grown accustomed to but the wife doesn't have to bring what the man has become accustomed to.

But back to your situation. It's the fact that you still sincerely care for her after such a betrayal that actually repulses her. She doesn't see a kind hearted man that is swallowing his pride in order to protect the family. She sees a weak man that can be manipulated by offering half hearted civility.

Why are you even doing the mediation with a woman that betrayed you in such a manner? It should be full steam ahead to D with you coldly concentrating on becoming the best version of yourself. It's time for you to stop being kind and considerate and instead be the selfish one.

One last thing, I've consistently seen that women in general do NOT think fondly of past men in their lives that were kind, sweet, and generous. Nope those guys fade from memory. The guys who treated them like a disposable items is the one they pine away for years over.

EEguy,

I think you really, really must talk to a therapist or counselor who specializes in infidelity. In the yellow box on the left of this webpage is a link to some counselors. If there's no one in your area, call the one in Boca Raton, FL and she might help you find someone. She offered to do Facetime sessions with me if I didn't find anyone.

And now to the point: You talk about getting this D going so you can move on. And I think you should do this immediately because she has already moved on.

I also believe the concerns about her taking the children out of the country are well founded. I believe you need to see a good attorney yesterday and get the D papers filed and the restraining order to prevent her from taking the kids. I believe she's playing you while she lines up all her plans. Do not trust her for one second. Remember the parable or allergory about the frog who helps the crocodile get free of a trap and then offers the frog a ride across the river and then eats the frog and the frog is so shocked and the crocodile says, why are you surprised? I am a crocodile after all, this is what I do.

I also encourage you to go back and read other threads in the just found out section of this website. Look for the long, long, long ones. The people who are giving you advice are doing it based on experience and knowledge. Please don't think you situation is any different.

She's a predator. She has already moved on.

You, I'm afraid to say, are just like thousands more of us here on S.I. who are slapping our foreheads every day and saying, why didn't I listen when I had the chance? And now here I am with less money, my kids less than I want, etc., etc. We try to be fair. We bend over backwards to be fair and reasonable. Just gives them an extra opportunity to kick you where you're exposed when you bed over, your ass.

Personally, it is my opinion that you should make her move out ASAP. You will not be able to think straight and make good decisions as long as you have to see her everyday. Hire a Nanny to help out and send the XWW packing. You will never, ever regret doing it.

She's told and shown you everything you need to know.

Why live in denial of who she is?

That will just get you a whole lot of nothing.

Oh boy, I read through this thread and it's like deja vu all over again.

My XWW only worked part-time (still does), asked for the car that I purchased for the 1st time with my own money. I got left with the minivan. Dragged her feet through the whole D process. Asked for mediation. Dragged her feet even more when she saw she wasn't going to get near what she felt entitled to (marital vs non-marital financials). And then finally submitted.

EEguy1412,

I hope by now you can see she's just like every other cheater we read about here on SI. She's not going to have an epiphany and suddenly go back to the woman you thought she was. She's wearing her mask with pride. Classic, entitled cake-eating.

As much as possible, stop engaging her. No more conversations except about kids and finances. Make her pay for her own stuff. When I was in IHS I stopped buying XWW groceries, if I ordered out I didn't even ask what she wanted only what the kids wanted. I stopped folding her laundry, and asked her to stop cleaning up the house. Consider your marriage dead, so no more duties owed to her.

Stay strong. Stay the course.

There must be some sort of 'if you cheat, follow these rules' manual in the world. It is continuously surprising how much the POS behaviours line up.

Mine did the exact same thing. Kept prolonging the D.

Now I am trying to sell a house in a down market.

Go full steam ahead!!!! Push hard and don't slow down the process. The process (dealing with lawyers etc) is slow enough as it is.

You are all so right. Back to the lawyer now. I won't go back to mediation.

Good I'm glad you are moving forward. I can't stay married to someone that has clearly stated she only wants to be married as friends. Are their any specific milestones in your prenup? Meaning if you are married X years it changes? Is there any reason in the prenupt she signed that would make her want to stay married longer?

Just because you want something badly doesn't mean it'll happen.