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Dragonfly123 (original poster member #62802) posted at 1:21 PM on Sunday, January 13th, 2019
RIO I hear what you’re saying and you already know that I err towards your way of thinking. My gut feeling is that he wasn’t actively and consciously seeking an affair but I could be wrong about that. I certainly know he was fishing.
addicts wife you’ll find no argument with me here. He is sorry but for himself. I’m under no illusion about that. That’s why we’re seperated and heading for divorce. I’m a firm believer in only reconciling with a truly remorseful spouse mine isn’t. But I do believe him when he says he wishes it hadn’t happened. It certainly didn’t go his way.
When you can’t control what’s happening, challenge yourself to control the way you respond to what’s happening. That’s where the power is.
Rideitout ( member #58849) posted at 1:22 PM on Sunday, January 13th, 2019
Why do people believe the WS is sorry when the affair didn't work out.
I don't believe all WS's are sorry. And some don't "want it to work out" they want to have sex with someone new, not find a new H/W. So "working out" doesn't really hold context there other than "they are upset they no longer get sex from 2 women/men".
But, to answer your question a little better, yes, I think a lot of WS's are VERY SORRY for what they did because they realize that they did something awful and that the payoff was not worth it. We all know the guy who goes out one night and has way too much to drink, makes an ass of himself, and wakes up in the morning deep in remorse for what they did. Would give anything to take it back and undo that night. There are certainly WS's like this, suffering a hangover and didn't even really enjoy the drunken evening. And there are also WS's who did the same thing but feel entirely differently about it. Same hangover, but they look at their drunken evening with a measure of pride, they drank more than everyone else there and they were the life of the party. They don't feel the same (or any) remorse about what they did, just the positive memories of the drunken evening remain. There are certainly WS's like this too (I know my share). The difficult thing is to figure out which you've got, the guy who's deep in his shame for the drunken antics and will never tough a drop of booze again. Or the guy who apologizes for knocking a bottle of wine on your dress but, inside, is smiling to himself about the "fun" he had and thinking about when the next time he can drink is.
Some WS's are terribly sorry. There are a lot of them on this board. The WS's that are planning their next drink typically don't come here, but I know they are out there, because I know some. The thing I'd really like to know, what are the proportions? And is my W really sorry, or is she just like the guys I know, can't wait until she's alone with her GF's to relate the details of her A and brag? I don't know, and I'm not sure we'll ever know for sure. It's what makes R so hard in a lot of ways.
addictswife ( new member #69315) posted at 1:37 PM on Sunday, January 13th, 2019
Dragonfly--but being sorry for himself can be two different things. It can be true remorse for what he's done and the damage he's caused his family (and self) but quite likely just sorry he ended up without his wife and without his affair partner. Would he be equally sorry if it worked out beautifully and he was madly in love with his AP? Unlikely.
Dragonfly123 (original poster member #62802) posted at 1:52 PM on Sunday, January 13th, 2019
Addictswife, pretty sure we’re saying the same thing here 
When you can’t control what’s happening, challenge yourself to control the way you respond to what’s happening. That’s where the power is.
pearlamici ( member #67631) posted at 3:06 PM on Sunday, January 13th, 2019
That was great dragonfly - in fact I'm not great at putting my feelings into words - so I copied and pasted your letter and then went back and changed it to fit my situation (just to keep for myself).... it makes me feel so much better to see my thoughts collected. Thank you.
~Bad marriages don’t cause affairs. Affairs cause bad marriages.~
Dragonfly123 (original poster member #62802) posted at 6:28 PM on Sunday, January 13th, 2019
I’m glad it helped ypu Pearl and haapy you changed it to help you process! (())
When you can’t control what’s happening, challenge yourself to control the way you respond to what’s happening. That’s where the power is.
Dragonfly123 (original poster member #62802) posted at 6:31 PM on Sunday, January 13th, 2019
RIO just read your last post properly, beautifully put! Wish there was a device we could use, a bit like a tricorder to scan a wayward for remorse, chance of reoffending that sort of thing... it would help a lot!
[This message edited by Dragonfly123 at 12:42 PM, January 13th (Sunday)]
When you can’t control what’s happening, challenge yourself to control the way you respond to what’s happening. That’s where the power is.
Catwoman ( member #1330) posted at 8:01 PM on Sunday, January 13th, 2019
Am I the only one not comforted by "it could have been anyone"? That makes me feel like no matter what I do, my marriage isn't safe.
A marriage is only as safe as the individuals in it. This is why people say you cannot "affair proof" a marriage; you can only affair proof yourself. Your spouse has to affair proof themselves.
This is a big reason why I think IC and eventually MC is very important in healing from an affair. The affair happened because of weaknesses in the WS, not because of attributes in the AP. Unless you shore up your boundaries and understand what made this course of action attractive, you remain vulnerable to affairs.
Cat
FBS: Married 20 years, 2 daughters 27 and 24. Divorced by the grace of GOD.
D-Days: 2/23/93; 10/11/97; 3/5/03
Ex & OW Broke up 12-10
"An erection does not count as personal growth."
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