SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

One of the most helpful things I read shortly after d-day was https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/reconciliation/what-every-wayward-spouse-needs-to-know.asp?

I recommend printing it out and asking your W to read it. That is, keep SI to yourself for a while - a couple of years minimum. If your W finds it, on her own. great. But this can be a safe place for you to work out your thoughts and feelings, if she doesn't know about it. Another option is to agree to strict ground rules that allow each of you to have a safe place on SI.

Many BSes jump into R without considering all their options. I'm pro-R, but I it's difficult, and it's easier to stay the course if you know you can kill your M, survive, and thrive without your WS.

Besides it takes some months to determine whether or not your WS is a good candidate for R> Right now ... you're lucky if you can add 2 and 2 reliably.

Whether your W is or isn't a good candidate for R, getting through d-day - I mean this gently - you may think your M suddenly gets better. In a sense, it may actually get better than it was during the A, but the work is just beginning.

I never doubted that I wanted R, but I doubted again and again and again the we would R. There's so much healing work to do, and you can't know if R will work until you've done a lot of it.

IOW, prepare for a marathon, not a sprint.

[This message edited by sisoon at 1:22 PM, January 27th (Sunday)]

dupe

[This message edited by sisoon at 1:21 PM, January 27th (Sunday)]

Do you know the length and depth of her affair?

If she doesn't fix what's broken you could get this again.

Everyone is correct. Cheaters lie a lot. She only confessed because she had zero choice.

Better take some time before jumping into R and do not jump into marriage counciling. She needs IC first and Foremost.

Don't fall for you caused her affair that was a choice she made

Thanks again everyone for their help. It lit a fire under my rear the last few days.

Sisoon, I appreciate the info, I have read it and plan on giving it to my W.

Marz, the affair lasted approximately 2 years. It started out as a work friendship about 10 years ago, and he and his family became friends with our family. Over the last 2 years his marriage fell apart (without my knowledge) and they divorced. My WS told me they started out as friends, and it turned into lots of conversations about them being together. She swears (I don't believe her obviously because she has lied so much)that the relationship was not sexual. I asked her why she didn't tell me about the affair, she told me that she was ashamed and embarrassed, which I (because I'm obviously a sucker) believe has SOME truth in it. I believe she didn't tell me because she felt she could get away with it along with many other reasons.

I have made it clear to her that R is not possible without total brutal honesty between us. For the sake of my family (we have 2 children) I want to R more than anything, but have come to the realization that it may not be possible.

I have also made it clear to my WS that the facebook posts are her problem to deal with and a natural consequence of her actions. I really think she was using this as a way to distract me to be mad at her AP rather than her. I am DONE worrying about it, and I feel a tremendous weight off of my shoulders.

[This message edited by joecardinals at 1:56 AM, January 30th (Wednesday)]

She swears (I don't believe her obviously because she has lied so much)that the relationship was not sexual.

Sounds like it is time for a polygraph.

You do not know what really happened. You do not know if this has been her only affair. The only thing you can be sure of is that she is a cheater and a liar.

How can you attempt R without knowing who and what you are dealing with?

And if she is telling you the truth, she should jump at the chance to put your doubts to rest.

Sounds like it is time for a polygraph.

I was thinking the same thing

Speak with the loser’s ex-wife. Odds are that she knew of something going on there.

A 2 year affair with constant contact and not sexual. It's possible I guess but not probable.

I'd polograpgh. The sooner the better

I agree with Sharkman. The other man's ex-wife may know much more than you do about the last 2 years.

Would she be willing to talk to you?

Joe, I'm with the others that you should have her do a poly and definitely talk to OM's ex. Don't be surprised to learn that your wife was the cause of their divorce.

As for her affair being non-sexual after so many years of contact, that is so unlikely. Men future fake their mistress to keep the hot sex going. While the WW is thinking about their relationship going to the next level, the WH is enjoying pushing her into ever more wanton sex acts.

How has your WW been with the kids? I've read threads of so many WW that have spoken of the extreme disappoint they feel when they find that the future talk was fake. Many of these women are depressed for years. They admit not being emotionally present for their kids.

Before marriage, I had an extensive dating history. I jokingly tell my son who's in his early 20's and still trying to figure things out, that I have a Phd in dating and got my bachelor's in females. Anyway, in my l experience, the only women who went off the rails were ones where I routinely had sexual relationship with.

Circumstances leading to them going voff was from me breaking the relationship off. An affair or dating partner of TWO YEARS where supposedly no sex was involved would be sad, disappointed, but probably not so angry that they would attempt to embarrass themselves while trying to out and embarrass their lover.

BTW... I'm sure you already know this, but the odds of it not being sexual is desperately laughable on your wife's part. You're at the surface level of a deep, involved relationship.

[This message edited by Jorge at 7:59 AM, January 31st (Thursday)]

Not sexual is hard to believe. Have you seen any of their communications? Text messages, emails, phone messages? Anything? Or are they all deleted before you could see them? She is trying to protect herself because she knows the truth of a physical relationship with this man may be a deal breaker for you. Poly is a way to go. Also see if you can recover deleted test and emails from her phone, pads, your computers. Have her give you a full timeline of the affair, which I bet is much longer than 2 years.

Adults in LTAs within close proximity have sex period, is it possible ? yes it's also possible that I play the lotto win millions and then all of a sudden decide to donate the entire prize to the neighbors, of course she's still lying and TT, talk to OBS and find out what she knows, time for polygraph, you should not R with an unremorseful WW, she needs to apologize to all family and close friends for her huge betrayal, she wasn't embarrassed enough to not have the A. If you insist on R demand she signs a postnup in your favor in case she cheats again in the future, remember she's now a proven cheater and a liar and this may not even be her first rodeo. Please demand she gets tested for STDs (you should too), another consequence of her A.

She swears (I don't believe her obviously because she has lied so much)that the relationship was not sexual.

No way in hell. A two-year long affair with no sex? She's lying.

Assume she and the OM had lots of sex. Tell her it is up to her to prove otherwise by taking a polygraph.

I wouldn't waste money on a polygraph.

Two years with 2 adults that had physical access to each other, not only did they have sex, they did it as much as they could. And if there's anything she refused you, she did it with him.

You can't reconcile with just you doing the work. If she's not honest, she's not R material.

I'd tell her she has one chance to come clean, and if she chooses not to, you will consider the marriage over and will file

I interrogated my WH for days. At first, I wanted to believe him so I stopped and believed him it was only an emotional affair. But, my gut told me that it didn't make sense. So, I interrogated more and more and each time he gave up more information until the night he finally disclosed that they kissed....well, nothing in the adult world ends with just a kiss. After hours and hours of more yelling and interrogation, when I didn't have any proof, I told WH that I was going to call OBS for the truth. That's when he finally told me that it was a PA--for 1.5 years. It was gut-wrenching and he screamed in my face that it was all of my fault...PTSD about that night to this day.

OW was a coworker, too. They had worked together for 8 years prior to this happening. COW marriage fell apart as well--like your WWs OM--during those 8 years and she and WH weren't really friends, they just ended up f*** buddies. Your WW already confessed to a close relationship, an emotionally intimate one. A betrayal already, a relationship that was never discussed with you or revealed to you. There is more here than "just friends."

I think you need to either threaten to call the OM. Not saying you should actually call, but your WW will know that OM wants to destroy your marriage and would probably tell you the truth about the sex. Or, you contact the ex-wife to see what she does know.

If none of the above is an option, a lot of people on here say they get "parking lot confessions" right before the polygraph.

Just trust your gut. It will be painful, I am so sorry. This was not your fault, you didn't deserve this.

UPDATE

This morning I checked her cell phone records and found that she has in fact still been in contact with her AP. Everything she has told me has been a lie. Thank you to all of you that gave me some "tough love" on this forum, and kept me focused on finding out the truth. I also found that the day after she sent her NC letter, she called him. I feel like such an idiot for believing ANYTHING she said, and like the wind has been knocked out of me.

[This message edited by joecardinals at 12:15 AM, February 1st (Friday)]

I am sorry for your new discoveries even though they were not unexpected.

Please take the necessary steps to protect yourself and look after your children.

You don’t even need to confront her at this point. Filing is your only next step. You need that filing in place to start protecting you legally.

You can pull it back at any time, it doesn’t 100% mean divorce, but it does protect you as well as get the most likely ball rolling. She’s not ending the affair.

I'm so sorry, joecardinals.

We all want to believe for the best, but must prepare for the worst.

You don’t even need to confront her at this point. Filing is your only next step.

I would file, then confront her by having her served with D papers. Definitely see an attorney or three - it's good to consult with more than one.

I'm wondering if the AP and his XW divorced because of the A (and she never told you).

Hang in there and keep posting - we're here for you.

Sending strength...

Lala