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So I'll be divorced seven years this summer and while I always told myself that I wouldn't gravitate to men who are similar to my ex (who impregnated a woman a month after our divorce was final) I ended up in relationships with the same type of men!

So I meet this guy about two years ago under the guise of "I should hate this person as he's the exact opposite of everything I am and believe but let's find some common ground to prove anyone can be friends no matter what differences we have". We ended up becoming friends then more than friends for about seven months. We broke up in February of last year and didn't talk for nine months. I'd see him st work on rare occasions but we mostly ignored and avoided each other. He's a true alpha male...wants to pursue a woman, doesn't like when I make requests and wants to be the person steering the relationship.

Believe it or not this is the type of guy I've been wanting to meet for a LONG time. I'm an alpha woman at work and with my friends but I don't want to be the alpha in love...I want someone else to be in control and would rather be the beta so to speak. I know that sounds insane but I'm sick of dating men who can be easily controlled where I make all the decisions. Anyway, we've been back together since around Halloween and I feel like I've been doing thIngs all wrong. I'm trying to be in control of how the relationship goes and he just won't respond. I have to change how I've always been with men and it's so hard to be patient sometimes because I crave his time and attention.

I want this guy...I love to argue with him but also love talking to him and I am so attracted to him. Does anyone have any tips of what I can do to show this guy that I want this...want us without coming off as too much? Thank you!

[This message edited by sef85843 at 3:29 AM, January 29th (Tuesday)]

I have to change how I've always been with men and it's so hard

May I suggest it is so hard because you are trying to go against your natural behavior, and doing so is likely not sustainable in the long term. You need to be who you are, not what you think he wants you to be. Either it is a good, natural, fit or it's not. Don't twist yourself into a pretzel to try to make it happen. Just be yourself.

I will say that I do understand. I am very alpha at work and in many aspects of my personal life. But it gets tiring. There are many times I want someone else to take the lead. For no other reason than to give me a break! But there's another aspect to it, and that is what took me a long time for my SO to understand. In many things I simply don't care. As in truly do.not.care. SO and I will be maybe trying to decide where to go out to eat. I will tell him to surprise me. In the beginning he thought I was just being nice, or intentionally passive to let him be "in charge." I would just laugh at him and tell him how wrong he is. Nothing "coy" about it because I truly don't care and will eat anywhere. If I am truly in the mood for something in particular I will speak up, but most times I don't care. That mindset took him a long time to grasp, and even now he still sometimes questions why I acquiesce to him. Why? Because I don't care! No games. It is who I am.

After my D I made a firm commitment to myself to be authentic. People can like it or leave it. Cuz guess what? That's right...I don't care!

I have to agree with Phoenix.

When I am tired of running the show, I simply sit back and let fWH handle things. There are things I need to control / have my way, and things that I don't care about.

For example, I haven't planned our last few vacations. There are exceptions - one hotel that I absolutely wanted (and yes, I went crazy looking at the website after the hotel was booked, kept going back until there was a vacancy), or activities that I decided were a "must see." Now, if fWH asks me to research hotels in XYZ citiy, I will do that but the fact that he is asking me first makes me "not in charge." - I'm more helping out or doing my share if that makes sense. I'll give him three top options.

There was an upside - I am a planner, so would schedule something for each day, etc. But we have learned that the kids are happiest when they have days off just to go to the pool, or ride bikes or watch a movie in the hotel room (even though we can do these things at home!).

fWH is in charge of choosing electronics (televisions, computers), I put my foot down with furniture. Of course I will give him my input and will takes his.

Are you in IC? You might explore why you need or want control in some areas of your life and not in others.

I would also point out that "not being in control" is a type of control - always being passive, not having to "own" any of the choices. And NOT making a decision is a way of making a decision. For example, if you want to make "a next step" in the relationship (exclusive, moving in together), if your SO isn't ready, the mature thing to do is discuss it, see if it's going to happen in the future or not, and if not, decide to stay at the current level or break up. Simply waiting doesn't help either of you.

If you really wanted this, the best thing to do would have been to talk to him about it back when you were still dating. If you've been apart and didn't even talk for nine months, there's a good chance he isn't even available any longer.

Did you go so long without talking because there were bad feelings from the breakup? Or did you both simply get busy with your separate lives and not find the time?

If there's no acrimony and he isn't in a new relationship, maybe you should ask him out for coffee. If he goes and things aren't stiff and awkward, just tell him that you're still attracted to him and wondering whether the two of you could find a way to try again. See what he says and go from there.